PDA

View Full Version : Mariachi, Cackled -- (Flash Fic, 200 words)



WechtleinUns
March 30th, 2013, 10:40 PM
The voice of a loud and cackling mariachi mixed with eighty thousand feet and hands, clap clap stomping to the tune of Queen. The air smelled of sweat and cotton candy. Adam was hunched over. His eyes followed every movement of the ball. His knees were folded up, and every time the spurs scored a basket, he stood at attention.

The third quarter booted up within six seconds. Every able bodied man was on his feet with every score. Except for me. I forced my hands and legs to keep their calm. Adam had invited me, and though I felt disgusted by all these carnival colors, all this cheap and greasy food, and all this static noise, I felt somewhat responsible for him.

I was doing this because Darleen had been there for me. Nobody wanted to be there for Adam. And so... I needed a break. Leaning slowly to my left, I touched his shoulder. "I'm going to take a walk. I'll be right back."

"Oh...oh...ok." he said. Standing quickly, I scaled up three rows and scouted for a route. But for the roof, I couldn't find my bearings, and the field was filled with angry jacked up jocks and screaming chicken women. Scaling right-ways a bit more, I found a narrow path to lead me to the gate. As I walked through the portal, I was eyed by center staff. He glared at me and touched his ear, muttering quietly, as I walked past.

(fin.)

This was written as an exercise in evoking atmosphere, which I hope will improve my writing. Thank you for reading. :)

Hunter56
March 31st, 2013, 02:08 AM
Hey WechtleinUns,

Even though I am still an amateur writer, I'll try my best in giving you my thoughts lol.

This piece does have the atmosphere you were aiming for in the exercise. The only thing I have trouble with is that I believe not everyone will really know where this place is and what's going on exactly.

Luckily, I realize that it's a San Antonio Spurs basketball game :D Though I think for someone who doesn't watch basketball they will have trouble knowing what's happening.

WechtleinUns
March 31st, 2013, 02:17 AM
Thank you very much, Hunter56. I'm glad I was able to get it right. Also, I think you're right about not everybody knowing the setting. I have historically had problems with others, where I assume they know what I know. This has been a problem my whole life, though in recent months I have been improving. Thank you very much, Hunter. I'm glad. :)

Doc_Gonzo
March 31st, 2013, 01:15 PM
Hello WechtleinUns.
As an Englishman and someone who has never actually seen a Basketball game (It's not popular here), I agree with Hunter56.

I picked up a Stadium atmosphere but I had to read it twice to get what game was being played. Only the single use of the word 'basket' gave it away.

Not knowing the game makes it difficult to critique and I may have some misconceptions about it. I always imagined it as being played on a 'court' and not a 'field'. The use of the word 'field' made me think of a grassy area and without any other basketball related terms that I recognized, I wondered briefly if it was a fictional game.

I hope that helps and please excuse my ignorance of the sport!

WechtleinUns
March 31st, 2013, 03:51 PM
Ah. Doc_Gonzo, thank you very much! I see now precisely what hunter56 was talking about, and you've driven the point home quite clearly. Gonzo, if I may ask, how is the word "field" used, "across the pond", so to speak? As you explained, you have never been to a basketball game, but I suspect that there may be more to it than that. Hmmm... maybe I'm reading too much into it, haha. Thank you very much, Doc. This is very valuable information! :D

Doc_Gonzo
March 31st, 2013, 04:51 PM
Glad to be of help :smile2:

Over here, we'd use 'field' to mean a usually grassy area, either for grazing livestock or growing crops (farming) or in a more general way, we call grassy areas outside schools 'playing fields' and sometimes 'sports fields'. Hmmmm - now you've got me thinking!

A more refined area of grass for playing sports would be a 'pitch'. Football, Cricket and I think also Rugby are played on what we'd call 'pitches'. A field would mean a rougher area of grass to me.

I do realize that the word can also refer to a 'field of view' - an area of vision, but I haven't heard it used that way here.

WechtleinUns
April 2nd, 2013, 08:16 PM
Que interesante! Over here it is used much more often in the 'field of view' sense. I'll have to be more careful with my words, then. Haha.

EvermenEXE
April 5th, 2013, 08:44 PM
The atmosphere is very well set up, but the direct mention of what sounds like a ball game right after you describe the crowd makes me think they are playing a game in a woefully cramped area. This is a tad abrupt for me but it still doesn't distract from the atmosphere you've set up. Good job on that!