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Ranji
March 26th, 2013, 05:41 PM
~This is a random piece of writing that I just came up with. I may include it in my non-existent novel. I need to know if the style works or it sounds forced. If any other mistakes out there please let me know. Don't shy away from negative criticism. I thrive on that! :)~



Darkness encompasses her body; embracing the evil in her. It brought the deepest pleasure; pleasure one could attain nowhere, but with an equal measure of pain. Pain that was unbearable; pain that broke her heart and toyed with her mind. Pain that tortured her very soul and set fire to her body. It had wiped her memory clean, leaving her no hope to cling on to. She was reduced to a small shroud of a body; a body with a faint ticker and nothing more. The receding voice of her mind was fading away to the abyss for eternity. The little breath in her desperately tried to agitate the darkness, to try to push out the needles it embedded in her; to no avail. The tentacles of pain refused to let go, digging in deeper with every move.
For those ghastly crimes she had committed, such a punishment was befitting. The elders had always been cautious, repeatedly chanting out for her change. On countless occasions she had defied them, thrusting back their charitable advice. She had continued in the engagement of wrong not for a selfish belief; rather with the profound thought of being benevolent. The noble cause in her nudged her to implement these horrifying activities; the soul in her assured her that her act was nothing less than a penance. A penance that brought peace to some and suffering to others. After all, Pain and Relief come together as sisters.
Something along her journey had suspended her heart. It had ripped apart her known knowledge and brought on a new revelation. It had plucked her from her homeland, Nesada and dropped her in this chasm, a chasm of torture.
Betrayal had reduced her. Nothing now could bring her justice.

Jon M
March 26th, 2013, 07:21 PM
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Ranji
March 26th, 2013, 07:32 PM
Well it actually doesn't have a back story to add onto. It was completely random.
Oh yes, It was supposed to be in past tense. My mistake.Thanks for the criticism!
When I say pain, I don't mean physical pain. Don't you feel at peace and tortured in darkness? That's what I wanted to portray I guess. It's in a way, metal torture.
I really didn't intend it to be vague, it was something that popped into my head. Hmmm...I'll try to bring in more of a story.
On the other hand, any opinions on the style itself?