PDA

View Full Version : Judgewood: Chapter One (535 words, violence)



Red Heron
March 24th, 2013, 04:44 AM
Read the intro here (http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/137640-judgewood-intro-235-words-violence.html)! It's itty-bitty.

Don't be shy! All thoughts, especially the critical ones, are welcome.

~~~

I'm not a handsome guy, and I didn't look my best when I first came to look at the apartment. Thin brown hair receded into a widows peak, tired brown eyes hanging over dark pits, a lined, worn face with a few days stubble to complete the package. I wasn't going to be picking up any respectable dates soon.

None of that explained why the old man kept a hawkish eye on me as he showed me the place. Well, I did laugh inadvertently when he told me the last fellow shotgunned his brains all over the kitchen sink after strangling his girl in their bed. So that may have done it.

I think he sensed something off about me from the start; that was just the clincher. It was very active that day. Chattering and giggling in the background like a Lovecraftian DVD commentary. I wandered through the dead couples apartment in a fugue, drifting through their atmosphere as the old man showed me around. Their belongings hadn't yet been claimed, and being a young couple, their obscure tastes were proudly presented.

We're individuals! They spoke to me. We're unique little snowflakes, see?

Ha, no, you go crazy and die just like everyone else, even if you read Frank Miller, sit on extra large bean bags, and collect posters for shitty horror movies made before you were born. Maybe especially. After all, I'd been palling around with my little hitchhiker buddy for as long as they'd been alive, and I'd made it that far.

I understood why the kid chose the sink. Above it was a large window overlooking Lake Maria, Judgewood's centerpiece and main source of tourism. She was wide and clear beneath a wonderfully clouded April sky, and I'd fallen in love with her before I'd set foot in the apartment. She seemed to lance the tension and despair from my infected head with every second I rested my eyes on her.

"I'll take it."

The old man hunched his shoulders, as if expecting a blow. I stifled another laugh. His back had been turned to me as he showed me the pantry connected to the kitchen, so I'd picked a good time.

"We haven't even discussed rent." Mistrustful eyes searched me over.

"I doubt you're asking much, what with the little drama that played out here." And if you are, I don't care, I kept to myself. "Let's sign some papers."

"It's one-thousand a month, plus utilities. I take care of the trash and the driveway." He eyeballed me.

I remained placid.

"Their stuff won't be gone till next week." He continued.

"Whatever. Can we do this thing?"

As we signed our Hancocks, I noticed how feminine and graceful the old man's hands were. It mused on breaking them, one knuckle at a time.

"Shut up."

"Excuse me?" The old man asked, surprise and fear darting across his face in equal measure.

Woops. "Nothing, my apologies. I believe we're done here."

The old man was glad to hear that, happily showing me out the door and down the stairs. Must be pretty desperate if he's willing to rent to me, I thought as I shut my car door and began my drive back.

I had no idea how much power it was beginning to exert.

Apple Ice
March 25th, 2013, 12:05 AM
This is a good opening chapter. There's a good feel for the narrator, I felt he was quite funny and a bit of a nob. I'm excited to see where this will go.

bioclasm
March 25th, 2013, 02:07 AM
Good job. Looking forward to more.

ASWright
March 25th, 2013, 10:43 PM
I've enjoyed it so far, its very reminiscent to me of Darkly Dreaming Dexter. However I found the fragment 'maybe especially' didn't quite fit, I would recommend changing it to something like 'Ha, no, you go crazy and die just like everyone else, even if you read Frank Miller, sit on extra large bean bags, and collect posters for shitty horror movies made before you were born it doesn't help. After all, I'd been palling around with my little hitchhiker buddy for as long as they'd been alive, and I'd made it further than that.'

Folcro
April 7th, 2013, 01:05 AM
I like your style. Smooth and dry. The content is interesting--- two people who seem to neither know nor care what they're getting themselves into. I would definitely be interested to read more.