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knightforce
March 24th, 2013, 04:33 AM
Natalia. He prayed silently to Christ that she was still alive.

He opened the door to the warehouse and there they were, crouched in ink black uniforms amongst the shadows, the steel crests and mouthpieces of their masks glinting in the moonlight. Without word or warning, the nearest of the ninjas ran silently across the floor, seeming to float rather than jump into the air and melting into a kick aimed at KnightMask's head. KnightMask exploded off the ground, the power of his steel-corded muscles carrying him higher than his attacker. He twisted over the ninja mid-air and locked his steely arms about the black clothed warrior's waist, smashing him to the ground with a savage crunch as he landed.

Two rushed forward, one lagging slightly. KnightMask blasted into the first ninja. Powerful brown arms ripped the black clothed warrior's legs out from beneath him. Briefly KnightMask held him aloft before bringing him down with sledgehammer force. Letting the momentum of slam carry him, he brought his legs forward like a released catapult into the next attacker, his legs smashing him in the face and sending him sprawling across the floor.

Then one was coming at him with a flying knee. KnightMask fell back with the attack as a shadow from the light, so that the blow just missed. As he fell, he threw up his powerful legs to snake around his assailant's thigh and knee while he caught the man's foot with his hands. A swift torque yielded a cry of agonized pain that echoed through the building, the first sound to come from the ninjas. In the time it takes to describe, the whole sequence could have repeated itself several times over.

A dozen more seemed to pour from the shadows, swarming over KnightMask in a black wave. They were many to his one, but his iron sinews and cobra speed were coordinated by instincts honed over a lifetime. And so the many gave way to a whirlwind of slams, throws and locks until the masked wrestler finally stood alone over a pile of motionless bodies.

There was nothing triumphant in his aspect, however, even though his enemies lay beaten. There was no catharsis, no satisfaction for the man who normally found solace in combat. He had but a single thought, repeating over and over. A mallet pounding in his brain.

Natalia.

A name wrapped up in an image of black, silken hair swirling like mist about a soft, golden hued face and thin almond slits from which brown, crystalline eyes looking out at him.

He moved toward the staircase across the room, when a shocking tableau burst upon his vision. Two figures awaited him. One was Jorge Rodrigo, the man he'd defeated and injured in the finals of the submission-wrestling world championships. And in Jorge's arms, held fast with a choke-hold, was his daughter, Natalia.

Jorge, an esteemed Brazilian jiu jitsu practitioner, had become a pariah after being defeated by KnightMask, himself trained in Japanese catch-as-catch-can and seen by many as a clown unworthy of respect due to the mask he wore. Some speculated that the injury he endured in the contest also made him unable to continue competing. Others speculated, wrongly, that Jorge had been in collusion with KnightMask to throw the fight. Things got bad enough that Jorge and Natalia's life became endangered.

KnightMask, feeling guilt over the ruination of Jorge's once promising career, entered the XWF in order to provide for Jorge and Natalia, the latter whom he'd known most of his life. And yet now he saw it was Jorge who held Natalia hostage. He was the one who'd brought him hear and sent the ninjas after him.

"Alright...alright...I wanted to make sure."

"Make sure of what, Jorge...? You said you'd let her go if I came. Here I am. She's your daughter, man, for God's sake. Let her go."

"I wanted to make sure that my little motivational spur had worked...so that I know I was going to get the KnightMask I wanted...not the softy I saw get knocked around by World 1-International, Arnaud Chevailler, Agony...and most recently, the Iron Valkyries. I don't want to fight the self-righteous wannabe superhero who plays nice and tries to be everyone's friend."

"What are you talking about, Jorge...?"

"They say some knights never really show what they're made of unless they've got the right fair lady watching the joust. But I like what I saw."

Jorge pushed Natalia to the ground, where KnightMask saw that her hands and legs were bound up with wire.

"We're having a rematch, right now masked man. You want her to live? Take me down. Because if you don't, if you fail to defeat me...I'm going to kill her."

Suddenly Jorge's eyes were ablaze, raging with the burning fires of battle rage. It was a fire well familiar to KnightMask, so that when he saw it he knew that he could no longer talk to Jorge anymore than he might reason with a rabid wolf.

And yet, KnightMask was stoked by his own fires as well and the flames were now burning fiercest of all at the sight of Natalia prone and helpless upon the floor. And so the masked wrestler shot through the air, aiming for a leg-scissors on Jorge but instead falling on the ground and coming together in a life and death struggle.

They wrestled for what seemed an eternity, the two men with nerves and sinews of fire and steel. It was age against youth, experience against tenacity. One style defined by patient positioning and opportunism, the other by sudden, dynamic seizures of holds and continuous chains of attacks. The approaches, had they existed in a single man, would have made for perhaps the most complete submission grappler ever seen.

KnightMask was a whirlwind of submission attempts, Jorge an impenetrable defender. Each attack by KnightMask lead to another either by virtue of skill and strategy and when that failed his strength, speed and agility created a bridge between assaults that otherwise could not have been connected together, twining seemingly disparate holds together in an awesome chain of unceasing attack.

And yet, bit by bit, KnightMask's attacks began to slow and Jorge's counter-attacks more difficult to escape until finally KnightMask fell back for a leg-lock to slow and sloppy, so that Jorge was able to fend off his legs as they attempted to twin serpent-like about his own leg and instead pin himself atop the masked man. KnightMask fought to escape, only for Jorge to slip behind him, locking his legs about his torso while seeking to seize his throat in a rear naked choke.

KnightMask glanced over to Natalia, the one whose life was held at stake by the outcome of his contest. The red light of dawn had slipped in through the cracks of the warehouse, touching the walls with crimson fire and illuminating the horror in her thin eyes. Somehow, her hair seemed to fall over shoulders and back like the black hood that in medieval times was thrust over the face of those about to be executed.

Jorge had finally sunk in the choke. His execution was perfect and KnightMask's immediately felt his consciousness ebb away. A desperate gamble played out in KnightMask's fading mind. Releasing his hands from Jorge's arms, he allowed him free rein to pressure in his choke, while he reached down for one of the Brazilian's legs, gripping his toes in his hands while digging into the inside of his knee with his elbow. Desperately, he torqued the the foot up towards his chest, putting all his fast-fading might into one violent wrench.

He heard a loud snap, even as he passed out.

Jagunco
March 24th, 2013, 11:32 AM
Got to ask mate, you do any training youself?

Red Heron
March 24th, 2013, 12:16 PM
Is this from later in "A Jobber's Tale"? I'm glad to see you're still working on that!


KnightMask was a whirlwind of submission attempts, Jorge an impenetrable defender. Each attack by KnightMask lead to another either by virtue of skill and strategy and when that failed his strength, speed and agility created a bridge between assaults that otherwise could not have been connected together, twining seemingly disparate holds together in an awesome chain of unceasing attack.

This paragraph was way cool, I really enjoyed it!

I really like the goofy tone of your work in general (ninjas! super serums!), mixed with actual knowledge of wrestling and martial arts. Makes it a very unique read!

Some minor nit picking to follow.


Letting the momentum of the slam carry him


He was the one who'd brought him here and sent the ninjas after him.


...so that I knew I was going to get the KnightMask I wanted


And so the masked wrestler shot through the air, aiming for a leg-scissors on Jorge but instead falling on the ground and coming together in a life and death struggle.

I really didn't like how they just wind up "falling on the ground", could that be replaced with something more detailed and interesting?


KnightMask's attacks began to slow and Jorge's counter-attacks became more difficult to escape until finally KnightMask fell back for a leg-lock too slow and sloppy

That's it. Keep up the good work!

knightforce
March 24th, 2013, 06:59 PM
Yeah, actually submission-grappling is a pretty major part of my life, although the gym I was teaching at shut down and I haven't trained since, its been maybe a month...? Strange feeling. I think I started trying to write to fill the void somewhat.

knightforce
March 24th, 2013, 07:08 PM
Is this from later in "A Jobber's Tale"? I'm glad to see you're still working on that!



This paragraph was way cool, I really enjoyed it!

I really like the goofy tone of your work in general (ninjas! super serums!), mixed with actual knowledge of wrestling and martial arts. Makes it a very unique read!

Some minor nit picking to follow.









I really didn't like how they just wind up "falling on the ground", could that be replaced with something more detailed and interesting?



That's it. Keep up the good work!


Thanks a lot! I really appreciate the nitpicking because I know sometimes I finish sentences and just do not notice everything wrong with them. I'll fix that part with the failed scissor attack...you're right, just falling to the ground is pretty boring, especially if I'm going to go into detail about the fights. I kind of got lazy there.

Olly Buckle
March 24th, 2013, 08:03 PM
KnightMask exploded off the ground, the power of his steel-corded muscles carrying him higher than his attacker. He twisted over the ninja mid-air and locked his steely arms about the black clothed warrior's waist, smashing him to the ground with a savage crunch as he landed.

Two rushed forward, one lagging slightly. KnightMask blasted into the first ninja. Powerful brown arms ripped the black clothed warrior's legs out from beneath him. Briefly KnightMask held him aloft before bringing him down with sledgehammer force. Letting the momentum of slam carry him, he brought his legs forward like a released catapult into the next attacker, his legs smashing him in the face and sending him sprawling across the floor.

There is a repetition in 'steel corded muscles' and steely arms', I think people overplay repetition sometimes, but it did strike me as I read, it also made me notice how many action words begin with 's'; steely, sledgehammer, slam, smashing, sprawling. S has a soft and sibilant sound, perhaps if you replaced some of them with hard consonants it might help give a bit more 'edge' to it?

knightforce
March 24th, 2013, 08:55 PM
You know, I was actually wondering if I over did the whole steel/iron kinda thing. I'm having some difficulty figuring out which metaphors are appropriate. I was thinking about using the term "adamantine" or "adamanite" in reference to the mythical steel, but I thought maybe that'd be too far out even for me. I also didn't feel fully comfortable with likening KnightMask's legs to a snake, but I was hard-pressed to think of something else similar to the movement.

I'll try to challenge myself a little more with the metaphors. Thanks, I'm going to go back and see if I can't adjust that somewhat. Maye iron, if I had to over-use one, would be better...?

Jagunco
March 25th, 2013, 12:03 PM
I didn't know how to put it politely about the overuse of metaphors I must admit I'm pleased someone else did. its good (in my mind at least) to put the odd one in but when its every sentence it get a bit much. One or two at the beginning then people get the idea and anything after that gets in the way.

I'm going to do what I hate people doing here just to illustrate but take this bit for instance...

'Two rushed forward, one lagging slightly. KnightMask blasted into the first ninja. Powerful brown arms ripped the black clothed warrior's legs out from beneath him. Briefly KnightMask held him aloft before bringing him down with sledgehammer force. Letting the momentum of slam carry him, he brought his legs forward like a released catapult into the next attacker, his legs smashing him in the face and sending him sprawling across the floor.'

I would probably have written a bit like this...

'The first two rushed him. One on point and one lagging slightly, probably hoping to get a dirty shot in when Knightmask was busy. Noting this The big wrestler dipped his shoulder and met the first with a charge of his own. The force took his target from the ground. Knighmask coiled thick arms behind the ninja's knees and shoulder slammed him. One down and the bait was set for ninja two to take advantage of what looked like a prone position. A thousand brawls told Knightmask he was coming without needing to look. The wrestler rode slams momentum in a tight roll and left both legs spear out towards the ninjas attack and was rewarded wth the THUNK of ribs breaking under his heels.'

It depends what kind of writing you like better mate. Mine tkes longer bu the action takes less writing.... if that makes any sense. I really hope you don't think I'm being cocky by writing this and I'm not saying its better than yours but thought a different prespective of the scene might help....

Shutting up now

Actually no I'm not I was interested that you shose grapling as a means to take down multiple opponents, hence my questioning if you'd trained or just watched UFA a lot.

knightforce
March 25th, 2013, 03:34 PM
Ha--! At first I took it as a compliment when you asked if I trained, which is not to say that I necessarily take it as a slight now. But now I see that you asked out of skepticism.

I actually don't watch the UFC too much or really like it particularly. In fact, that's not at all what influenced me to grapple; it was the Japanese shoot-style professional wrestling. I love submission-grappling though. I don't know, a lot of my matches have been pretty quick. Actually, 99% of them. Rolling/flying/general dynamic submission entries can finish a match almost instantly. Grappling is slower when you try to work your way down the positional hierarchy. When you use dynamic entries to get straight to the submission, its much faster.

Of course, that's in a controlled, sport situation, not a street fight, but hey, its fiction anyway. But I would presume that perhaps some people, given the predominance of Brazilian jiu jitsu, think of grappling as slower than it has to be. Takedown, advance position, assert control, go for submission...that takes a lot longer than "Rolling knee-bar."

knightforce
March 25th, 2013, 03:47 PM
As far as the metaphors, I was trying to get around the fact that, for a lot of the moves that I envision, and I guess I basically write KnightMask as a superhuman version of the style I try to utilize when I compete, was how to accurately describe these moves to people that don't grapple. Actually, not only am I describing submission-grappling moves, but moves that are unusual even within that realm. So, that was, for me, a challenge. How do you describe rolling, flying, spinning submission attacks? A lot of experienced grapplers don't even know the moves exist, let alone people not familiar with the sport/art.

Maybe if I can get some better metaphors, the effect you're talking about will be alleviated somewhat. Hopefully. We'll see, I'm gonna try what Olly was talking about, getting the harder edge to them and maybe that will help.

Jagunco
March 25th, 2013, 04:12 PM
Lol sorry mate I meant no offense. I've grappled about five times in my life and each time swore it would be the last. I have done some anti grappling and escapes to regain my feet but never for the purpose of combat sports

As you say though its fiction so grapple away, dynamic grappling would be interesting to see. Also well done for not falling into the trap of just naming the moves and confusing the rest of us.

knightforce
March 25th, 2013, 08:38 PM
Well, honestly, I think there is a point to what you say, I mean, honestly, I'm take a sport that I participate in and putting into a totally different kind of setting...I just sort of figure, given that this fictitious character is a zillion times quicker than a real person, that maybe he can pull it off. I guess part of it is that, you know, I'm naturally going to be prone to glorifying and romanticizing the my particular sport and writing it as though it is the most effective, deadly thing in the known universe.

knightforce
March 25th, 2013, 08:44 PM
And I should say, I am so, so thankful for the feedback because, obviously, it makes me think and realize things that I'd otherwise not consider.

For example...I think maybe putting the particular martial art/sport that I participate in and have a great personal investment in into the heart of a story can be a big danger, possibly. Like a director casting his wife as the lead.

archer88iv
March 25th, 2013, 10:23 PM
You know, I hadn't thought of it, but I suppose there is that danger. Then, I'm not the "invested" type in most cases. But...

...For all that there may be a danger involved, there's also an opportunity. If you can avoid the pitfalls (for instance, the potential that you might alienate the uninitiated), there's definitely something to be said for writing about a topic you know well: giving outsiders a look in is what it's all about, right?

Jagunco
March 27th, 2013, 01:54 AM
its all true mate. I once read a book that was meant to be about some guy training in capoeira and I have never cringed so much in my life. While the writer had obviously done come capoeira training he displayed absolutely no knowlege knowlege of combat sports of full time training, and he couldn't write his own name nevermind a book. I was embarrised more for him than I was for myself whne I found out I couldn't spell embarissed about a minute ago.

I thought your approach to describing grappling to the layman had some promise.

Actually on a side note as well I can tell you're a R E Howard fan as he was fond of 'Steel Sinews' and all that lol

knightforce
March 27th, 2013, 03:37 AM
Yeah, I love REH, minus the racism, etc. One thing, that this thread made me think about, was whether or not you want the reader to have some license with exactly how they imagine the fight scene in your head or if you should essentially micromanage the audience in terms of the pictures they're going to get.