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View Full Version : The Night Shift - Paranormal Horror/Strong Language/Potential Violence



BrandonTheWriter
March 23rd, 2013, 04:34 PM
I really like the idea of this script I'm writing. I'm thinking of continuing it but I want some feedback first. I've got a good back-story in mind too that will potentially come in to play later on in the script.

The Night Shift (2013)
Marcus Smith is working the Night Shift in the Office Complex where he works. Throughout the night he is terrorized by an unknown presence.

*FADES IN*

INT - OFFICE COMPLEX - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT

On a clock that reads the time: 12:00am. The Camera then pans to the face of Marcus Smith, a middle-aged man with black hair and as the camera pans we can see he is wearing a suit. The camera pans over his shoulder as we watch him working on his computer. A fellow employee (Steve) comes in to his office.

STEVE: Hey Marcus, you not coming?
MARCUS: No, I've got to work the night shift.
STEVE: On a Friday? Really?
MARCUS: Yes, unfortunately.
STEVE: Well anyway, me and the guys are heading off, we're going to lock up this part of the office. I'll leave you with the spare key. Tom will be on guard downstairs if anything happens.
MARCUS: Yeah, tell him to not fall asleep again, I know what he is like.
STEVE: I will, see you Marcus!

Steve walks out of the office and the Camera follows him to the end of the hall as he locks the door and proceeds down the stairs that can be seen in the hallway.

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT - OFFICE COMPLEX - GROUND FLOOR - NIGHT
Steve can be seen with a few employees, they look like they are about to go for a few drinks. Steve talks to Tom who is on watch.

TOM: Where are you going?
STEVE: Just going for a few drinks with the guys.
TOM: Have fun guys!
STEVE: Why don't you come?
TOM: I'm on watch all night, I could get fired leaving it. Plus, no-one is here to watch the place.
STEVE: There is.
TOM: Who?
STEVE: Marcus is doing the night shift tonight, he'll be here all night. He'll watch the place.
TOM: You sure?
STEVE: Yeah he'll be fine. He can always call us if anything happens.
TOM: He's up in the Fifth Floor though right?
STEVE: Yeah, but I've given him the spare key for the night. Come on man, have some fun for once!
TOM: Oh alright, I better not get fired for this!

The camera watches them as they walk out of the Office Complex and lock the main doors.

* FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT - OFFICE COMPLEX - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT
Marcus can be seen getting a coffee from the Coffee Machine, he suddenly hears a noise and walks out in to the hallway with a coffee in his hand.

MARCUS: HELLO?! Is anybody there?

Suddenly the Janitor walks out from around the corner much to the surprise of Marcus.

MARCUS: HOLY SHIT! You scared the shit out of me!
JANITOR: Hey Marcus, I'm just getting this floor done and I'll be gone. Where have the rest of the guys gone?
MARCUS: They went out somewhere, not sure where. I thought there wasn't anyone else here except me and Tom?
JANITOR: They always forget I'm bloody here. I always have call Tom to come and let me out as they don't leave the bloody key with me!
MARCUS: Hey, it's alright. They give it me before I went, want me to let you out?
JANITOR: If you wouldn't mind.
MARCUS: So, why you working so late anyway?
JANITOR: I couldn't get in today, there was a death in the family so I was at a funeral all day.
MARCUS: Oh, sorry to hear that.
JANITOR: It's alright. So, you letting me out then? (Laughs)
MARCUS: (Laughs) Oh, yeah sorry. Come on.

Marcus and the Janitor walks towards the exit and Marcus lets him out.

MARCUS: How come they only lock this part of the complex and not the rest?
JANITOR: Oh don't ask me son, we've a got a bunch of flaming idiots working here! Thanks for letting me out!
MARCUS: No problem, have a great night!
JANITOR: You too!

The janitor can be seen walking down the stairs as Marcus locks the complex back up and he begins talking to himself.

MARCUS: A Janitor without keys? What kind of work place is this? (Laughs) Better get that coffee before it gets cold.

Marcus sits down near the coffee machine and his phone rings.

MARCUS: Hello?
DAUGHTER (On the other line): Daddy?
MARCUS: Hey sweetie, what are doing up this late?
DAUGHTER (On the other line): I'm scared.
MARCUS: Do you want me to stay on the phone with you again until you can sleep?
DAUGHTER (On the other line): Yes Daddy, please.

Marcus begins singing children's songs to his Daughter and the camera fades out.

*FADES OUT*

*FADES IN*

INT - OFFICE COMPLEX - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT
Marcus can be seen waking up, he is still near the coffee machine. The phone can be seen on the ground and he's noticed that he fell asleep with his daughter on the phone. He hangs up the call and walks back to his office.

INT - MARCUS' OFFICE - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT
Marcus looks at the clock to see that the time is 12:30am, he suddenly starts hearing loud bangs coming from the exit/entrance area from the Complex Area. He goes to investigate.

INT - OFFICE COMPLEX - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT
Marcus walks over to door and notices that the Janitor is banging on the door, Marcus lets him in.

MARCUS: I thought you'd left?
JANITOR: No, I've been banging on the door for about ten minutes now, you were passed out. Guess what's happened?
MARCUS: What?
JANITOR: Tom has only gone and left on his shift.
MARCUS: You what?
JANITOR: I know. I can't get out.
MARCUS: Wait a minute, does this key work for the door downstairs?
JANITOR: I think so. Would you mind letting me out?
MARCUS: Of course not.

Marcus and the Janitor walk off and down the stairs in the hallway.

INT - OFFICE COMPLEX - GROUND FLOOR - NIGHT
Marcus approaches the door and the spare key works. Marcus lets the Janitor out.

JANITOR: Thanks Marcus. Make sure you lock this place up when you leave okay?
MARCUS: I won't be leaving until the morning, the place should be fill by then anyway.
JANITOR: Oh alright, see you around! Don't know what I would of done if you'd not been here! Thanks!
MARCUS: No problem, have a great night.

Marcus shuts the door and locks it. The camera follows him as he works his way up the main stairs. He can be seen passing the other floors as he reaches the Fifth Floor.

INT - OFFICE COMPLEX - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT
Marcus opens the door and makes his way back to his office.

INT - MARCUS' OFFICE - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT
Marcus sits in his chair and groans. On his computer, Website Design can be seen with lots of coding.

MARCUS: My coffee is gone cold now! For god sake.

Marcus makes his way around the Office Complex and nothing can be seen out of the ordinary. He decides to explore around the Office. Several of the Office Rooms on the Fifth Floor are locked, but the one next to his is open.

INT - JULIA'S OFFICE - FIFTH FLOOR - NIGHT

He walks in to notice a note on the desk, it reads:

"March 19th, 2013
I don't know what it is but I'm feeling something weird in this office, like a presence. I feel it every single night I work here. It's even gotten to the point where I've had to ask for different shifts because I can't hack staying in here at night. It feels like someone is costantly watching you and it's just really uncomfortable. The worst activity seems to be on this floor, the fifth and final one. It's like someone doesn't want us to be here, I can't cope with it anymore. I need to get away from this place,

Julia."

BrandonTheWriter
March 23rd, 2013, 04:36 PM
I put Strong Language in the title because if I continue this, in future editions it's likely to have some strong language because of the situation he'll be in.

Robert_S
March 25th, 2013, 03:47 AM
First up, don't put in camera action, unless you're directing it. You write the base story, but it's the director's job to envision the portrayal.
Secondly, it might be helpful to state what profession Marcus is because white collar workers don't have shifts, per se. They have 9-5 jobs and work late if they need to catch up, so saying he has to work the night shift would not really work.
Third, formatting is fine for a rough, but properly, the name of the character is centered on the page and dialog comes after, also centered.
I'd say the action needs to be more descriptive. Dialog is common.

alexandriadeloraine
March 27th, 2013, 01:32 AM
Hey there OP;

I read through this, but I honestly have to say that so far it reads as incredibly stale and generic. The dialogue
is the most important aspect of your script, and it really falls flat. The phrasing throughout is overly stiff and
formal, rather than loose and conversational like it should be considering the circumstances. I'd really suggest
that you read through your script out loud a few times, and take notes as you go. Since your script is intended
to be delivered in speech anyway, you'll pick up a lot of awkward phrasing and word usage just by reading it
aloud a few times.

If writing is something you really like, you can definitely improve with some practice, but right now your plot is
really lacking. There isn't anything that grabs the reader (or viewer, in this case) within the portion you've
posted. For now, the number one thing I'd suggest doing is that read-aloud.

Good luck;

- Alexandria de Loraine