PDA

View Full Version : Judgewood: Intro (235 words, violence)



Red Heron
March 21st, 2013, 09:41 PM
Post what you think!

Update at post #8!


~~~


I was fighting it, as usual. Beating it with my fists, breaking it's brittle ribs with a pipe, caving it's head in with a rock, painting my dreamscape with it's blood. It begged and bargained and pleaded and demanded and cursed, but I had none of it, and never will. It can rot.

A fresh, sunny, spring morning greeted me when I awoke in my new apartment, 137 Lake Road, Judgewood New York.

Three months before it was darkness and white pain, my spine cracking as my heart burned. I never sleep well in the winter. I fight like I'm stuck in mud, and it slithers away gleefully to wreak havoc on my body.

I crawled out of my bed, noting with halfhearted disgust the sweaty sillouette I'd left on my sheets. I was slick with the stuff from my toes to my balls to my eyebrows. My skin crept as I felt it explore my dermis, noting tendon, vein, arterie, and nerve, relishing the visceral contents of it's plaything. Thank God there was still some coffee in the pot. I nuked that while I waited for a fresh batch to perk. It was 3:58 in the morning, and in Judgewood, a young man was strangling his fiance; but I wouldn't know that till the next month when I moved into their old place.

I drank that pot of coffee in ten minutes flat.

bioclasm
March 22nd, 2013, 02:38 AM
I was hooked, I'll admit, but was then jarred by the "...fresh, sunny, spring morning." I think you could do away with that sentence entirely, since all it does is establish place, which you also do later. I am curious to know what "it" is, and so want to hear more. So you're doing your job ;)

What kind of story is this?

Red Heron
March 22nd, 2013, 02:16 PM
It's a horror story, and thanks for the crit! I'll try to work on ironing out the space between those two paragraphs.

Is your avatar a fractal image?

Ahki
March 22nd, 2013, 04:11 PM
You already know how I feel about this. Now just write more. There's really not enough here to critique.

Robert_S
March 22nd, 2013, 05:14 PM
I like it. It has a directness I prefer in lit. You also folded description nicely into the course of the narration. In other words, description is not an aside, but part of the scene of action as well. I really like this.

Red Heron
March 22nd, 2013, 06:28 PM
I'm glad you enjoyed it and appreciate the style, Mr. S!

bioclasm
March 22nd, 2013, 09:51 PM
Yeah, it's a fractal solution. I've always loved how they look.

Red Heron
March 23rd, 2013, 01:26 AM
Changed that sentence, and caught some spelling errors. Better or Worse?

~~~

I was fighting it, as usual. Beating it with my fists, breaking it's brittle ribs with a pipe, caving it's head in with a rock, painting my dreamscape with it's blood. It begged and bargained and pleaded and demanded and cursed, but I had none of it, and never will. It can rot. I awoke from my night of vigor refreshed and rejuvenated.

Three months before it was darkness and white pain, my ribs cracking as my heart burned. I never sleep well in the winter. I fight like I'm stuck in mud, and it slithers away gleefully to wreak havoc on my body.

I crawled out of my bed, noting with halfhearted disgust the sweaty silhouette I'd left on my sheets. I was slick with the stuff from my toes to my balls to my eyebrows. My skin crept as I felt it explore my dermis, noting tendon, vein, artery, and nerve, relishing the visceral contents of it's plaything. Thank God there was still some coffee in the pot. I nuked that while I waited for a fresh batch to perk. It was 3:58 in the morning, and in Judgewood, a young man was strangling his fiance; but I wouldn't know that till the next month when I moved into their old place.

I drank that pot of coffee in ten minutes flat.

Ranji
March 25th, 2013, 04:58 PM
It's pretty short to critique, but since that's my job I'll do my best.
It creates a horrific image. In a good way. Powerful stuff. Much like his coffee.
It hooked me completely. MORE.
But one thing I would personally change is the part where the multiple "ands" come in to place. Instead, I suggest you use full stops.

" It begged. It Bargained......."
I feel shorter sentences give a more dramatic impact.

Red Heron
March 25th, 2013, 05:37 PM
I would say not to feel any obligation to critique, but you made a good point!

You can read the next part here! (http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/137694-judgewood-chapter-one-535-words-violence.html)

Maz
April 2nd, 2013, 02:56 AM
Very good. Definitely want to read more.
Loved it!

twentysix26
April 12th, 2013, 09:05 AM
Very good, I would love to read more. My only real critique is the word til, I am not a fan of til and I, personally, prefer to read until or at the very least 'til with an apostrophe. But, other than my own personal preference when it comes to til this was wonderful and I would love to read more.

ZayneJ
April 13th, 2013, 07:22 AM
This was actually quite engaging as an opening. You managed to establish a visual style and a bit of character personality all in one fell swoop.