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Fressno
March 20th, 2013, 09:27 PM
Hey! This is my first time posting my written material, and ive never gotten any critique before, so im writing without and guidelines =)
I would VERY much like to hear what you think. whats good and whats not.
i guess there is alot of miss-spellings, so be prepared with the magic marker =)
what doesnt get portayed yet is that this is set in a pre-worldwar 2 era, slightly before hitler invades polen.
if you like it, ill gladly continue to work on it. =)
so here it goes:


The day started as any other day. Robert woke hungovered, like he had for so many nights before. He was almost able to forget the loss of his father, but the blasted mornings and the sobering-ups always got in the way.

Robert pushed the bedcovers over to the side, and sat on the edge of the bed. His arms resting on hes knees.
-”Why father, why?” Robert asked himself bitterly. ”Why now?
Tears started to come out, and a sniffle appeared, as before.
He raised his hand to his head and helt it tight, straining every muscle in hes arms as anger took out its rightfull cause.
After almost draining himself of the will to get up, he heard loud footsteps outside hes door. They were getting louder as the person got closer and closer. The footsteps sounded like the person knew where to go, and was no way interested in getting there in a late fashion. Still with hes hand on hes head, Roberts attention towards anger got halted when the footsteps stopped outside hes door, and a ruckus was heard when the person was trying to press something down his letterbox-opening on hes door.
A pair of sturdy hands coverd with a pair of black leathergloves forced a large letter down, that dropped hard on the floor.
The footsteps echoed away in the hall, this time with more haste. Robert looked a bit suprised, gazing at the letter he saw att the door. If someone with a psycological degree would have been in hes presence, they would have thrown him into the looneybin. Robert almost looked paranoid, trying to read an unopened letter from far away. Hes eyes wide open, hands around hes face, mouth wide open, looking scared, eyes fixated at the letter just laying there peacefully.
Robert woke up from hes paranoidic state, looking around ensuring that he was home and still in hes safe residence. He gave up a smile, thinking -”What has become of me? This is not me at all. Now, get a grip of yourself and live your life!”
He inhaled hard, paused, and exhaled, closing hes eyes. Feeling hes anger and stress washing away. For now.
He stood up quick, straightened hes pyjamas out and walked to the fron door.
Robert stopped when the letter was just infront of hes bare feet. He looked at it, not yet ready to pick it up, trying to make out what it was, who it was from, anything that could linger hes fear.
When he had examined it enough he bowed down slowly, seeing it more upclose. But getting closer to it didnt give answer any of hes answers.
It was nicely written, hes full name: ”Robert T Char”, but hes fathers last living adress in New York, lower manhattan. ”The letter must be important if someone got it to me here in Harlem” He thought.
He turned it over and tried to read to the sender was, but it was to smudged, like it had been in many unknown hands before reaching its destination. The only thing he could makeout was ”Deutschland”.
Roberts eyes widened after been focusing on the smudge. ”Germany?”
He drew blank in hes mind, totaly empty. ”What is this letter?!” the thought, getting impatient with himself, and the totaly disclosed envelope.
”Why am i so scared of this? Open it for christ sake!” Robert screamed inside to himself.
He walked over to the dinner table, sat down and eagerly looking for the letteropener wich had gotten lost under a pile of pencils.
”Get lost, pencils!” He screamed at the now airbourne pencils scattering around hes apartment.
Ripping the letter open with haste, almost cutting himself in the process, he laid down the letteropener and held his breath of what may lay ahead.
A little tingeling feeling ringed in hes chest, like it had done before in hes earlier encounters with strange outcome. Like it was a sixth sense telling him something is wrong, but as Roberts curiosity was wild at that early in hes life, he didnt listen to it. Only pressing it down, ignoring it, as it was just fear, selfpreservation wanting to hold him back from excitement. But what was exciting now? What is my senses telling me? He thought.
His fingers shaking by the expectation, he reached for the contents inside. He pulled out a large sum of letters and what seemed like a airplaneticket. He glanced at the destination with focused eyes, trying to see where it was bound to, and when there could be no doubt, he stared with fully opened eyes. ”Germany?!” he screamed inside with an breathless voice.
He laid the tickets down on the table and started to find the first page of the letter.
”Dear Robert” It started.
”I hope this letter will arrive in good time to you, because my dear nephew Robert-
”Nephew?! Robert asked himself out loud. ”Nephew? I never had an uncle. Father never had a brother!”
Robert read on.
”Because my dear nephew Robert, I want an audience with you as soon as possible. And its most important that you travel here to germany, where I await eagerly to finally meet you. You will be fully compensated with your absence from work, rent for your apartment and such miscalenious expenses.
The ticket you have aquired has no date set, but I will be notified when the letter has reached you, and I await your arrival in no more then a weeks time. It will leave you enough time to get sorted, let duely people know you are leaving for an unknown period of time.
This journey will be the start of something extraordinary in your life. I can guarantee that you wont be disapointed.
Your uncle, Alden H. C. Char.”


Robert read the authors name over and over. ”Alden Char, Alden Char. Ive never heard of that name before. Never from father, no pictures at grannys of him. Nothing. I must see if father has anything written is hes old diaries, thou I havent musterd up enough courage to check his belongings yet.
But this its been four months since he passed away, maybe this is what i need to start turning this continueing nightmare around”
Robert sighed, still having hes eyes focused on his uncles name, but awoken from this tunnelvision, hes eyes moved downwards towards the very end of the letter.
”P.S. I have written down your directions. I hope your familiar with driving an automobile, because one will be waiting for you when you arrive. Use the maps I have accompanied in this letter aswell if you happend to get of course. There will be a very scarce amount of people where you are going, so please feel free to get aquainted with the direction while you travel here.”


Robert slowly took the letter aside while hes eyes still was reading it, like he could find something new he didnt see before, but laid hes eyes on the directions he was given. Some very detailed drawings of roads, landmarks, towns and important legends. Coming to the conclusion that this made no sense now, sitting at the table in hes pyjamas, he put the directions aside and collected hes thoughts.

SarahStrange
April 5th, 2013, 07:10 PM
The spelling errors are really really distracting. If you have Word on your computer, I'd use it fast and spell check the heck out of it. Your grammar can get really mixed and betwixt as well. I, personally, hate grammar. It has always been my enemy lol. I got a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style and my grammar improved by leaps and bounds. You could even look up some basic stuff on the web. Other than that, I think that there could be a story in here. It's just really difficult to see it with the spelling/sentence mistakes clouding it up. I do enjoy the good historical fiction story every once and awhile :)

--SS

Fressno
April 6th, 2013, 01:05 AM
Hey! :)
Thanx for being the first to reply on my thread :)
Im sorry for the misspelling and the grammar errors.
I could blame it on not having english as a main language, but i started learning english when i was 7, so i cant. Im from sweden.

I may have started from the wrong chapter.
Ill write something like an epiloge, so you will get hooked :)
Its gonna be epic.
Epic horror, good story. Something to be made into a good movie or a big budget game. :)
Ill post the new "hooking" part soon :)

chris-mac
June 21st, 2013, 09:56 PM
Could do with the follow up parts as it intrigued me despite the spelling mistakes etc'. Grammar and spelling can always be rectified and studied but my friend you have the potential to tell a story and that is all that counts.

Fressno
August 11th, 2013, 10:43 PM
here is more of the story:


Robert woke up from a long daydream, watching the Atlantic ocean washing waves back and forward. The daydream contained he’s fears, he’s anger and excitement on what lay ahead. Questions still ringing in he’s ears, “Who was this long forgotten uncle? Why haven’t dad ever told me about him? Why is he asking for me?”

He almost didn’t react when the stewardess asked him if he wanted another cup of coffee. For every mile he got closer to Germany, he’s questions increased, and the frustration with it.
He woke up with a twitch when a stewardess pressed her hand against hes shoulder and told him that they had landed. For a fraction of a second he could almost see a face on the seat in front of him, but it disappeared as fast as it appeared.
He paused, trying to remember the contours, the features of the face, but it didn’t want to stick into hes mind.
Robert shrugged it off, watched outside at the sun kissed terminal to confirm for himself they had landed, and exited the plane. Hes big question now was, “how am I going to get to the location? I know nothing about Germany, and my German is as good as gone since highschool”
“Mr. Robert Char?”
Robert swung around nervously with wide open eyes, rudely staring at a little man dressed in black butler clothing, as he would lash out at him. But he just stood there, looking slightly irritated but controlled, waiting for Robert to stop staring and confirm that he was right, which he always was.
“Yes?” Robert answered, fearing the answer.
But the butler didn’t answer back, just raised hes right hand which was gripped around something and opened it, revealing a key.
The butler flicked hes ankles together while bowing, in a fast and well oiled maneuver, and headed off towards the terminal. Robert just stood there with hes suitcase in hes left hand, and hes jacket over hes right arm while holding the key up to hes face, looking at it.
He could see the resemblance of a car to hes right, waiting for him beside the terminal wall.
Should he head off to intercept the butler or should he just leave the troubled man alone and still hes curiosity as quickly as possible?
While he asked that question, the little man had made his way to the terminal doors and was about to be lost to him, so Robert said, “Oh well, never mind. No point now.”
He made his way to the car, and tried the key, which fitted.
It was a brand new car, a lot of round shapes, with two large headlights in front. Perfect for hes endeavors.
“But where in the hell is the baggage compartment?” Robert asked out loud.
He held the backdoor opened looking for somewhere to lay hes suitcase, but there was only room for an engine. “Perfect!” he said irritated.
“But what is in the front of this thing”, he asked himself.
Opening the hood, he saw plenty of space for hes suitcase, and stated for himself, “Germans are strange”.
Getting ready to leave, he organized the maps he got before from hes uncles letter on the passenger seat, and headed off.

BobtailCon
August 12th, 2013, 04:17 AM
Yeah, the only problem I see is grammatical errors, but that's easily fixed.

Fressno
August 12th, 2013, 10:52 PM
heres more:


As Robert got onto the only existing road for a vehicle, the night had caught up on him, making it difficult; almost impossible to see where he was going. But thanks to the little half-moon-shaped car headlights, he could press on, but somewhat slower then before. The gravel road took him into a blend of a forest and hillside environment, lowering the sight forward to about three yards ahead. And as if there was someone saying “go back, leave, go home and forget this”, the rain came pouring down, making it a struggle for an experienced driver. And extremely hard for a average driver, like Robert. So Robert had to wait it out in the driver seat, watching water rinse all the mud and gravel off the windshield. “What am I doing here”, he asked faintly to himself. He made it as comfortable for himself as he could, sitting almost straight up. The raining increased slowly, and as a flavor, it added thunder and lightning. Making it a tad difficult to rest, yet alone, to sleep. He dozed off countless times, but easily awoke by the clashing thunder striking down all around him. Robert angered by the lack of sleep, grinned his teeth, and pressed out a low, but yet powerful reply for the weather gods, “Leave me alone! Or strike me down and be done with it!”
As a response, the sky flashed up, striking down a bolt just a few hundred yards in front of the car, making the ground tremble. Robert sat still, gripping anything he could hold on to, trying to calm his breathing down, as it he was close to start hyperventilating. “But wait a minute” he said to himself. “Was there someone here with me?” As his panic settled, he started to recollect the past minute. He could swear he saw a figure of a man standing before him, just ten yards away, faced towards him. A dark silhouette with white eyes. Taller then a regular man, and more muscular. “Am I going mad?” Robert asked himself while massaging his eyes. “It’s got to be the depravation”, he calmed himself down saying.
As the ringing of the last big lightning bolt faded away, so did the storm. The rains last sound it left behind was the calm settling taps of drops meeting a hard metal surface. Robert fell fast asleep, with a black figure as the last thing on his mind, and cornea.