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View Full Version : The Forgotten Land of Myria- Chapter 14



Nathan_Milward
March 20th, 2013, 09:00 PM
This post is no longer available due to Copyright issues and security. I apologize.

Nathan

Nathan_Milward
March 20th, 2013, 09:04 PM
My last post was the Prologue. I am aware that from Prologue to Chapter 14 is a big leap, but it's just a "scoop" into the middle of the story. I will be post the sequences to the Prologue (other chapters) in order from now on :)

bazz cargo
March 24th, 2013, 04:07 PM
The disaster, in Brisbane. (Doesn't grab me).



Just thinking about it terrorizes (terrifies) me. But there was one moment, a split-second, right around when the wave crashed and I hit the water, where everything in me stopped. My pulse went solid, my lungs seemed to have withered completely, and every fiber of muscle, up to the tip of my fingers, felt as if it had turned to glass. That was just a split-second.
Now this was longer. The same sensation, except it felt like it would never light up. (?) It was too intense. I could barely hear the horns playing, or the hundreds of storming feet that marched their way towards the Chairmen's monument. I could barely see the elders that stood in front of me. Images, and glimpses circled (in) my mind, all of the same subject. I looked down and the glass floor seemed to be getting closer and closer, and only when my knees slammed (into) the cold tiles did I come back to senses.
Alice. Little Alice. Completely undefended. Harmless. What would (could) Theon want with her? How could she possess “powers” that could aid the quest for the Vermillion? It angered me. Too much. I pounded the glass tiles uncontrollably with my fists.
“It-it can’t be! It can’t” I yelled in anger, “I’ve been with her since she was born! I’ve known her more than anybody else!”
I was furious. I looked at the Chairmen who(m) I could tell were feeling (for) my disappointment as well, but I didn’t care. A bitter tear streamed down my face.


“What do you know about her?”


There was dead silence, and I realized I had said that too loud. Their expressions were plain, no more sympathy. I panted in exhaust(ion). Eleazar swooped me up(?), and the Chairmen proceeded bothering (?)to touch the subject.


“Both of you will commence training tomorrow. In a week’s time you will report back here, (ready) to embark.” (Who said this)?


Still a bit embarrassed by my reaction, I simply nodded and headed out as fast as I could, Angus following up behind me.


“Well” Eleazar said as soon as we were unheard,(out of earshot) “those aren’t exactly the right people to set off on.”(?)


“I’m sorry” I said, “I just—”






I don't have the time to work all the way through such a large post. Sorry. These are a few nits I did pick up. And...

But there was one moment, a split-second, right around when the wave crashed and I hit the water, where everything in me stopped. My pulse went solid, my lungs seemed to have withered completely, and every fiber of muscle, up to the tip of my fingers, felt as if it had turned to glass.



Great writing.

Bear in mind this is a public forum, if you post your work here it will invalidate the first rights and make it difficult to get a publisher interested. Posting inside the prose workshop which is not considered a public place will protect your first rights.

Try to keep postings down to about 1,500 words and you will get a better return.
Cool start.

Nathan_Milward
March 24th, 2013, 09:58 PM
The prose workshop. Got it.

Yeah, it makes sense to protect my first rights. Thanks for the heads-up