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MeeQ
March 18th, 2013, 01:32 AM
ADULT CONTENT AND COURSE LANGUAGE
This is a small story I wrote a long time ago for an LM here of Writing Forums. The concept has dramatically changed and with it a new ending. It's longer and a little more American friendly (I used to much Aussie slang) Enjoy!



I hate needles; they prick and poke, and sting. Usually held by some 'failed to get my doctorate imbecile' named Nancy.
So imagine my excitement when I was held up by one. Doing my job, blah-dy blah blah, Whammy! Get some! Being robbed sucks.

I fucking hate gas stations. With my very being.

“Look at my big fuck’n syringe you guy.”

Oh shit balls. “Aren’t you the fuck-wit that always borrows the toilet key?”

I’m not the wisest of Ghandi’s slippers. But, I’m pretty sure it was... it definitely was.

Why is he holding out an empty hand? “What can I buy with this munnies? Nothing? Exactly, so give me yours.”

“Fine, you jackass, but please get that shitty smelly vein stabber out of my face, you can see I’m too pretty to be so bashfully approached.”

Now really imagine my excitement when he looked at his hand, and realised that it might be the only needle he could jack himself up with that night. And he almost wasted it in my neck. Tisk tisk.

“What’s your real name then huh? Hobo Jim? Hobo Harry?”

Jim’s a good name, good enough for a hobo I think. Harry too.

“Kenneth”

Who names their kid Kenneth, honestly? Losers... I looked at his startled face. Hmm needle? Or money? Or that new pink flavoured Twinkie hanging in the window? Yummy.

“Its raspberry flavour, it tastes like shit”

There I go, convincing the Ol' Kenneth that robbing the store should be his highest priority.

“How much you want, Hobo Jim Kenneth the third of Bin'village?”

“Munnies?”

“No, condoms you dick... Actually, scrap that.” Shit, shouldn’t have said that. “Forget I said anything. I want you to breed.” And I don’t want you to take the last pack or I won’t get any. Shit.

So now really, really imagine my fucking excitement when he smelt my desperation for safe, secure, no baby sex.

“I’m taking these, BALLOONS! Wee.” He was gone.

***

“And that babe, is why I’m going to have to fuck your ass.”

Marakuti
March 19th, 2013, 12:54 AM
Okay, I like the concept, but I'm confused.

I'm not quite sure what this short story is about. At first I thought it was about being in a doctors office, then there was a gas station, maybe a convenience store?, and later we were getting ready to have sex (so on a street corner?).

Before I can try and help, I need to know: What's the story about?

MeeQ
March 19th, 2013, 10:05 AM
The story is a retelling in his own words why he doesn't have condoms. It's a crappy, energetic excuse that he's made up, if only to have a reason for anal sex. It's a joke, and hopefully one that pays dividends. Maybe I should break the orginal story up with breaks of him convincing his lady wank that he's being "Fully serious"?

Pluralized
March 19th, 2013, 11:42 AM
“How much you want, Hobo Jim Kenneth the third of Bin'village?”

MeeQ - I laughed like crazy. You're a frickin' loon, man. Loved every bit of it, please post more of this sort o' thing so I can smile more.

Cheers -
Plu

NathanBrazil
March 19th, 2013, 01:39 PM
Don't break it up. It was great when I read it before and it's even better the second time, when my feeble brain is better able to put together the imagery. Awesome.

Marakuti
March 20th, 2013, 12:28 AM
Oh! Okay. X) Well now that I know it's about condoms, this is actually much better. It's fine! :) Sorry for my confusion earlier. You might want to identify that they're in a parking lot (or wherever), but that might also might take away the beauty of it.

I'm sorry if this advice didn't really help, but I think you're going in the right direction with this one!

Red Heron
March 20th, 2013, 04:26 AM
Don't break it up, I like how rude and out of context it is. The final line really helps seal the deal.

pdwalke4
March 22nd, 2013, 06:19 PM
Feels panicked, as though the narrator is rushing through the story. Good if that's intended, maybe needs adding to if it is meant to be a more drawn out moment.

pdwalke4
March 22nd, 2013, 06:20 PM
Forgot to add, maybe more sense of where the scene is supposed to be (in the story and where he is when he is telling it) to help create the mental image for the reader.

NeoTanner
April 1st, 2013, 12:07 PM
I did find this short story entertaining. Though much like the original replier, I was confused on what was happening until pretty much the very end. A retelling of why a man doesn't have condoms but still ants to get some from his woman. Keep going with stuff like this. In my personal opinion, more subtle humor could have been used but you went for the blue collar approach. I applaud that. Keep it up!