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lowprofile300
March 13th, 2013, 05:19 AM
Prey (713 words, an excerpt. Graphic)


In a flash, her left hand reached his shoulder and she stuck the needle in his neck faster than his eyes could relay the message, danger, to his brain. Instantly the ketamine hydrochloride began to take effect and Aaron passed out before he could utter another word. The predator was now the prey. Things are never what they appear.

Three hours past. Precious made sure that Aaron’s mouth and feet were nicely bound with duct tape, and his hands behind him too. She had him naked, lying uncomfortably on his back in the bathtub, with Andrea Bocelli belting “Sentimento” in the background while she poured herself a glass of Vino Coto, red wine hand picked from the finest grapes in Southern Italy wine country. Aaron was starting to come around.

“Nice to see that you are awake, I was getting bored” she said to him as she sipped some wine. “I waited a long time for you, you know. But you were worth it, my goodness, you were definitely worth it. I watched you as you watched me these past few days, and I must say, at first I wasn’t sure you were the one, it wasn’t until you followed me home that I knew it! I knew you were the one! It has been a few months for me, and I can hardly contain myself. Now I realize you have a need, but so do I. It is not often that our kind runs into each other, but I never pass on a good opportunity, never!”

Precious walked back into the bedroom and proceeded to put on her party clothes which she had laid neatly on the bed. It consisted of a clear plastic overall with matching apron, a surgical splashguard and triflex latex gloves. The unusual large native butcher knife from the Philippines was just a sentimental piece from last year; she gripped that in her right hand. It was almost 2am and about time the party got started. She took one long sip of the wine and exhaled. She was ready.

With driven purpose, she stepped back into the bathroom, knife in hand and looked down upon the helpless form in the tub. Aaron began to mumble from behind the duct tape.

“I am going to take that off for a moment ok” she said.
She then leaned over and peeled the tape off Aaron’s mouth. She could tell that he didn’t have the energy in him to scream. He was still very drowsy and incapacitated. He began to speak, but in a whisper.

“I believe in God, he created me, but I am damaged”-

Precious rolled her eyes and sighed as she shook her head. “God didn’t create you. God didn’t create anything, man created god to control his fellow man. And you… you are not damaged, just misunderstood is what you are. But I get you, I totally get you.”

“We have a need that requires attention, and in that way we are very much alike, you and I” said Aaron.

“We are nothing alike. See…You are careless. Want to know why? I will tell you why. You didn’t do your homework. That’s why. What do you know about me, huh? Not enough. Here is what I know about you, Aaron. You were born in 1984 to Edward and Wilma Laborski. You dropped out of High School in the 10th grade to work, delivering pizza. You have been at it ever since. The tattered backpack you keep hidden in your truck contains pieces of clothing from your last victim, part of your growing collection of trophies, besides your tools. You do what you do, for the thrill and feeling of control. I on the other hand, I am doing society a favor, and tonight, you happen to be that favor.”

The butcher knife now itching for some action rose up above her head.

“Wait! Please, wait…I can change” said Aaron.

“Change into what –something normal? And what is that?”

“You can help me –I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have come here. There is enough out there to go around for a long time, for both of us. We will never cross paths again if you let me go” he said.

“Stop it! –you’re not talking your way out of this. It’s not about what is out there, it’s about what’s in here, in this tub, at this instance. It’s about you, Aaron. If you had done your homework, you wouldn’t have picked me and we wouldn’t be having this conversation” she said.

“Then give me a chance, please. You will never see me again after tonight” he said.

“I am sure I won’t” she said.

The butcher knife made its rapid descend on Aaron’s skull. Its sharp edge connected. For three months it waited –it has waited long enough.

The process was repeated over and over until there was little recognizable left of Aaron’s head, but a parchment of bone fragments and blood. The color red was the main attraction on the walls of the tub. Bits and pieces of brain matter fought to gain notoriety amidst all the red, but failed miserably. The party was just getting started, for dismemberment was about to take center stage.

The butcher knife is seeing a lot of action tonight.

Come morning, the sun rose as usual and folks went about their business as always, but the world had one less scum to contend with, and perhaps that was a good thing.

At exactly 9am, our predator was back at her place of work. “Good morning Doc, on time as always” said Jane, the assistant.

“Hey morning, ok, so what do we have here?” said Precious, as she took her coat off.

“We have one sick Labrador pup and a dehydrated stray cat” said Jane. She handed the doctor a folder. Precious scanned the pages, as she lowered her brows and walked into the examination room, where her first patient lay motionless on the table.

“Aw, you poor baby, I don’t know how you got this way, but I tell you what -I will fix you, promise. Oh yes, I will” she said, as she caressed the pup.

This morning, she is in a bit of a rush though, I need to get out of here by 3pm pronto, she thought. She is having dinner again at the Last Chance with Dave, her younger sibling and his new girl, Jessica, the blond he’s been dating these past couple of weeks.

js1268
March 14th, 2013, 01:33 PM
not bad... a little buggy and wordy in places but otherwise strong visuals with a strong macabre theme!

for example:

"She turned left at the light and headed for the freeway, he followed two cars behind making sure not to spook her."

...these are two independent clauses and ought to be separated by a period

"Aaron drove past the development so as not to look suspicious."

...you don't need the word 'as' in this sentence... it's not being used in its proper form as an adverb, conjunction, or preposition.

"It was almost 10pm and the full moon was out, giving light to the darkness."

... "giving light to the darkness" is implied by the full moon being out... you don't need to explain to the reader what the moon is doing...it's obvious that the darkness will be illuminated by the presence of a full moon... if you feel compelled to describe what the moon is doing, try to stay away from lines that sound scriptural (they're cliche)

"An upstairs light was on, which must be where she was."

...this is an awkward sentence... it sounds unnatural because you're trying to use the word "which" in a non-restrictive clause as part of a sentence that should refer to 'precious' in some capacity, but it doesn't... it contains a pronoun (she) without reference to the actual noun in any of the sentences that preclude this one

more appropriately: "An upstairs light was on that told him where his victim was." ... or some version therof

"The world is many shades of gray than black and white. Things are not always what they appear to be. For example a caterpillar is really a butterfly in transition. Life is really a process of dying, and the mind is just another complex machine waiting to be understood. Aaron’s mind was no different, just a little more challenged than most."

.....i would eliminate this introductory paragraph altogether...referring to the absence of absolutes and changes associated with metamorphoses is irrelevant to the story.... also, aaron's mind is challenged? ...doesn't seem it, really...he seems quite clever with all the planning and organizing he's done!

"The process was repeated over and over until there was hardly anything recognizable left of Aaron’s head but a parchment of bone fragments and blood. The color red was the main attraction on the walls of the tub..."

...this is good... grotesque...very strong visual!

lowprofile300
March 14th, 2013, 06:05 PM
not bad... a little buggy and wordy in places but otherwise strong visuals with a strong macabre theme!

"The process was repeated over and over until there was hardly anything recognizable left of Aaron’s head but a parchment of bone fragments and blood. The color red was the main attraction on the walls of the tub..."

...this is good... grotesque...very strong visual!

@js1268, thanks for taking the time to look this over, I made some changes. I am committed to the first paragraph, so I kept it. I found a way to make it relevant to the rest of the story. Thanks again.

js1268
March 14th, 2013, 06:14 PM
you're very welcome 'lowprofile300'.... i noticed your changes... well done... you're getting there!

lowprofile300
March 30th, 2013, 05:47 AM
you're very welcome 'lowprofile300'.... i noticed your changes... well done... you're getting there!

I also decided to show an excerpt instead of the full version.

Bakslashjack
April 3rd, 2013, 02:38 AM
its a little cliche don't you think?
It seemed our predator was now the prey. Things are never what they appear.

Macabre, hell yeah, all about that over here!!!
Get sick. Be sick. and hack that nastiness down.

ZayneJ
April 13th, 2013, 07:14 AM
I do like the Macabre you have going on here. I have issues with sentence structure and grammar sometimes myself, the more complex stuff more than anything, but I think you have something nice to push for here.

lowprofile300
April 14th, 2013, 03:01 AM
its a little cliche don't you think?
It seemed our predator was now the prey. Things are never what they appear.

Macabre, hell yeah, all about that over here!!!
Get sick. Be sick. and hack that nastiness down.

@Bakslashjack, thanks for looking it over. A little cliché doesn't hurt does it?

lowprofile300
April 14th, 2013, 03:05 AM
I do like the Macabre you have going on here. I have issues with sentence structure and grammar sometimes myself, the more complex stuff more than anything, but I think you have something nice to push for here.

@ZayneJ, thanks. The macabre is what I seen to gravitate to, lately. It's always a challenge getting the right flow though.

Unconsoled
April 19th, 2013, 06:12 AM
Hi lowprofile300,

I'm actually new in this site, and your story is the first I've read, so apologies in advance, if my review isn't how people review here or, if I make a mistake or something.


It seemed our predator was now the prey. Things are never what they appear.

It kind of sounds odd here: because we don't really know at this stage who's supposed to be the predator and who the prey. Of course, you tell us later about it through Precious' dialogues but still, it sound odd.


She had him naked, laying uncomfortably on his back in the bathtub, with Andrea Bocelli belting “Sentimento” in the background while she poured herself a glass of Vino Coto red wine, hand picked from the finest grapes in Southern Italy wine country.


This is a run-on sentence so I'd suggest you cut it down. It'll be more easier to read and will also flow better. So, perhaps:

She had him naked, laying uncomfortably on his back in the bathtub, with Andrea Bocelli belting “Sentimento” in the background.She poured herself a glass of Vino Coto red wine, hand picked from the finest grapes in Southern Italy wine country.

Just my suggestion.

I like this story a lot. I like Precious' dialogues at the end, they do sound a bit macabre and I love the fact that you killed Aaron. As I said, your style is pretty cool. But I felt, you might want to expand it a bit, about the parts where he follows her. You could tell us why he follows her? You could throw in some flashback on their background too.


But we won’t know for sure. After all, things are not always what they appear.

I know we, the readers, should assimilate this ending line with the end of the first paragraph and get some proof ( if we can call it that) that this is how it is, but it doesn't really click, I suppose. Try rewording that perhaps.

Other than that, it's pretty good. I really liked it. Hope to read more from you.
Sharyar.

lowprofile300
April 29th, 2013, 03:29 PM
Hi lowprofile300,

I know we, the readers, should assimilate this ending line with the end of the first paragraph and get some proof ( if we can call it that) that this is how it is, but it doesn't really click, I suppose. Try rewording that perhaps.

Other than that, it's pretty good. I really liked it. Hope to read more from you.
Sharyar.

@Unconsoled, Yes, I was having some trouble with the ending too. I went back and made some changes, and I hope this edit flows better. Thanks