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Mariner
March 12th, 2013, 01:15 PM
Brrgh. That's cold. Blue lights. Vague blue lights. My eyes are not fully open. The temperature is unbearable. How long have I been out? Where am I? Am I still me? What happened? So many unanswered questions. The roof was so low I couldn't scratch my itchy brow. I could feel them frosty. Same with the eyelashes and my hair. How long now, til i see the outside world? Sounds. Can I hear sounds? Are they opening the chambers? Now the sounds were getting closer and closer. Til it came to me.


At first it was just a crack. A crack of light. From underneath the opening of the lid. A rush of oxygen and warm air came in. The cold now rushing away and my body was regaining heat. Now the lid trusted up. Stood there were a trio of doctors, all in lab coats. One was at least sixty. His wrinkles made him look older and his thinning grey was an indication of even greater age. He was skinny and had boney hands. Next up was a man in his late thirties. Combed back brown hair with just a wisp of grey. A much fuller figure compared to his elder colleague. Finally, was a women. Again, in her thirties but still the youngest. She was rounder and very odd, unlike her peers. Bright red hair, in a sort of afro. Her cheeks were red and full.


"Welcome" said the ancient doctor. He had a warm voice. "Now stay very still. Thomas, will you do the honours." And he nodded to the younger male, and he operated a crane mechanism to hoist me out of the chamber. But 1st, the girl had strapped me down to the foam. And just like that, part of the chamber lifted away. The ride was uneasy and quick. But I sort of wanted to do it again.


Then was the part of removing me. Thomas now pressing more buttons, and then the foam around me started heating up and started to evaporate. Now I was leaning on a uncomfortable plastic back and the straps were loosening on me. I was impressed with the skill of these men, but then the straps flung straight into the base like whips. The pace on them was unbelievable. If one had hit me, I'd be in shreds.

is this any good? I'm starting to doubt my writing so I just need some feedback.

abbymeg
March 12th, 2013, 01:31 PM
A really interesting idea and I would like to see where you go with it.

You change tense? Is this on purpose? At the beginning it is in present tense, but you have a couple of slips, *Now the sounds were/are getting closer* *the roof was/is*; then you move to past tense. Tense is something that tries to catch me out too and I'm sure someone with a better eye for it will come along and help!

typo - now the lid *thrusted* up?

The other thing is that I wouldn't move from the main action to describe the ages and appearances of the doctors in such detail. If it is a short story, make this much briefer and try and save it until later (if it is really needed for your plot). This is my opinion though, others may disagree with me.

I hope this is of help. I'm new too. Good luck with it :-) .

Mariner
March 12th, 2013, 08:13 PM
Thanks. I'm prone to go to past tense. When did I start going back in tense? What paragraph or sentence?

Mariner
March 13th, 2013, 12:11 PM
I have write an new version which can be seen here-

1-The Awakening


Brrgh. That's cold. Blue lights. Vague blue lights. My eyes are not fully open. The temperature is unbearable. How long have I been out? Where am I? Am I still me? What happened? So many unanswered questions. The roof was so low I couldn't scratch my itchy brow. I could feel them frosty. Same with the eyelashes and my hair. How long til I see the outside world? Sounds. Can I hear sounds? Are they opening the chambers? Now the sounds are getting closer and closer. Til it came to me.


At first it was just a crack, from underneath the opening of the lid. A rush of oxygen and warm air came in. The cold now rushed away and my body was regaining heat. Now the lid thrust up. The light was so bright that I could hardly see. Stood there were a trio of doctors, all in lab coats. One was at least sixty. His wrinkles made him look older and his thinning grey was an indication of even greater age. He was skinny and had boney hands. Next up was a man in his late thirties. Combed back brown hair with just a wisp of grey. A much fuller figure compared to his elder colleague. Finally, there was a woman. Again, in her thirties but still the youngest. She was rounder and very odd, unlike her peers. Bright red hair, in a sort of afro. Her cheeks were red and full.


"Welcome" said the ancient doctor. He had a warm voice. "Now stay very still. Thomas, will you do the honours." And he nodded to the younger male, and he operated a crane mechanism to hoist me out of the chamber. But 1st, the girl had strapped me down to the foam. And just like that, part of the chamber lifted away. The ride was uneasy and quick. But I sort of wanted to do it again.


Then was the part of removing me. Thomas now pressing more buttons, and then the foam around me started heating up and started to evaporate. Now I was leaning on a uncomfortable plastic back and the straps were loosening on me. I was impressed with the skill of these men, but then the straps flung straight into the white plastic like whips. The speed of them was unbelievable. If one had hit me, I'd have been in shreds. I was just standing up. I almost fell over as the sound and my legs were in so much pain, due to the fact I've been in cryogenic suspension for... How long? "Excuse me?" I asked politely, "What year is this?" By the chubby woman replied, "2032" Really. Out for 12 years. I wonder how my legs are still supporting me.

js1268
March 18th, 2013, 06:36 PM
Brrgh. That's cold. Blue lights. Vague blue lights. My eyes are not fully open. The temperature is unbearable. How long have I been out? Where am I? Am I still me? What happened? So many unanswered questions. The roof was so low I couldn't scratch my itchy brow. I could feel them frosty. Same with the eyelashes and my hair. How long til I see the outside world? Sounds. Can I hear sounds? Are they opening the chambers? Now the sounds are getting closer and closer. Til it came to me.


At first it was just a crack, from underneath the opening of the lid. A rush of oxygen and warm air came in. The cold now rushed away and my body was regaining heat. Now the lid thrust up. The light was so bright that I could hardly see. Stood there were a trio of doctors, all in lab coats. One was at least sixty. His wrinkles made him look older and his thinning grey was an indication of even greater age. He was skinny and had boney hands. Next up was a man in his late thirties. Combed back brown hair with just a wisp of grey. A much fuller figure compared to his elder colleague. Finally, there was a woman. Again, in her thirties but still the youngest. She was rounder and very odd, unlike her peers. Bright red hair, in a sort of afro. Her cheeks were red and full.


"Welcome" said the ancient doctor. He had a warm voice. "Now stay very still. Thomas, will you do the honours." And he nodded to the younger male, and he operated a crane mechanism to hoist me out of the chamber. But 1st, the girl had strapped me down to the foam. And just like that, part of the chamber lifted away. The ride was uneasy and quick. But I sort of wanted to do it again.


Then was the part of removing me. Thomas now pressing more buttons, and then the foam around me started heating up and started to evaporate. Now I was leaning on a uncomfortable plastic back and the straps were loosening on me. I was impressed with the skill of these men, but then the straps flung straight into the white plastic like whips. The speed of them was unbelievable. If one had hit me, I'd have been in shreds. I was just standing up. I almost fell over as the sound and my legs were in so much pain, due to the fact I've been in cryogenic suspension for... How long? "Excuse me?" I asked politely, "What year is this?" By the chubby woman replied, "2032" Really. Out for 12 years. I wonder how my legs are still supporting me.

___________

That's cold.- What's cold? If you're referring to the temperature- which I suspect you are- a more proper pronoun would be "It"

Stood there were a trio of doctors, all in lab coats.- The placement of 'Stood' in this sentence is awkward. If you're committed to using the sentence this way, 'Standing' would be more appropriate. Otherwise, something like 'A trio of doctors stood there, all in lab coats' is easier on the reader.

Next up was a man in his late thirties. Combed back brown hair with just a wisp of grey. A much fuller figure compared to his elder colleague.- These sentences are very minimal and the meaning gets lost on who you are referring to; the second lacks a pronoun and the third is so far removed the pronoun 'his' becomes ambiguous.

And he nodded to the younger male, and he operated a crane mechanism to hoist me out of the chamber.- Although two independent clauses joined together by a legitimate comma, it reads like a run-on sentence because the first clause begins with the word 'And'.

I almost fell over as the sound and my legs were in so much pain, due to the fact I've been in cryogenic suspension for... How long?- You almost fell over as the sound... did what? Also, the word "I've" is awkward because it connotes present tense verbage. More appropriately would be the contraction for 'I had'.

By the chubby woman replied, "2032" Really.- Why the word "By"? Also I think you forgot to end the sentence with a period, and furthermore end 'Really' with a question mark.

Great story, otherwise. Compelling! It leaves me wondering what what will happen next!

Marakuti
March 19th, 2013, 12:48 AM
I like the start of this! Clearly a futuristic tale (of adventure) that leaves the reading wondering who the heck the character is and why he's been in cryostasis.

However, the first paragraphs runs a little odd to me. The main character's questions to himself make it seem as if he's been knocked out or kidnapped. When I first read it I thought that someone was coming to kill or hurt him or something. Instead, I felt a little confused when the MC was completely alright with the doctor's actions. I suggest instead of waking up completely confused, the MC should wake up slowly in groggy state as if he really had been sleeping for twelve years. I wake up slow just for sleeping for five hours, myself. You could mention how the character might feel as though his legs were coming out of an arrest or how he didn't recognize the doctors at first, but their faces and names came to him as he lifted himself out of his dream-like state. You could also consider coming out of cryostasis much like awakening from a drug. Not very easy.

Also, the sentence structure kind of gets me. I understand the use of short sentence fragments. He's just waking up from a twelve-year nap and things are probably happening pretty fast for him. Still, I think you should consider lengthening some of your sentences. You could also change some of your wording too. I'll edit the second paragraph as an example.

Paragraph 2:

At first it was just a crack, from underneath the opening of the lid. A rush of oxygen and warm air came in. The cold now rushed away and my body was regaining heat. (At first, I heard just a crack from underneath the lid and a rush of oxygen and warm air came in, washing away the cold as my body regained heat.) Now the lid thrust up. The light was so bright that I could hardly see. (Suddenly, the lid thrust up and the light was so bright I could hardly see.) Stood there were a trio of doctors, all in lab coats. (A trio of doctors, all in lab coats, stood there.) One was at least sixty. (The first was at least sixty.) His wrinkles made him look older and his thinning grey (hair) was an indication of even greater age. He was skinny and had boney hands. Next up was a man in his late thirties. Combed back brown hair with just a wisp of grey. A much fuller figure compared to his elder colleague. (He had combed-back, brown hair with just a wisp of grey. He was a much fuller figure compared to his older colleague.) Finally, there was a woman. Again, in her thirties but still the youngest. She was rounder and very odd, unlike her peers. (She looked younger than the brown-haired doctor, but not by much. Unlike her peers, she was round and odd.) Bright red hair, in a sort of afro. (She had bright red hair in a sort of afro.) Her cheeks were red and full.

Here, when the sentences aren't so fragmented, it keeps a fast pace, but eliminates the almost overwhelming (?) feeling that comes when you put a number of quick sentences together. If you choose to do something like this and spread it over your work, it will seem less chaotic than intended.

Lastly, this sentence: "Now stay very still. Thomas, will you do the honours." Did you mean to put a question mark after honors?

That's all that stood out for me. I hope this helped! :)

pdwalke4
March 22nd, 2013, 06:42 PM
The first paragraph still has a bit of a jump between present and past tense in it a the start "My eyes are not fully open". Only posting it as you said you were going to move it to past tense.

Mairead27
March 22nd, 2013, 07:02 PM
I like the premesis and I'm curious about how this goes. I get the feeling the MC is a science experiment for these three doctors though I could be wrong.

I think the opening needs to be more developed. I don't quite feel what the MC is feeling. Since he's waking up maybe you could describe him coming to his senses more? It all seems rushed to me.

Also using "1st" doesn't go very well in fiction or any kind of writing :apple:

js1268
March 22nd, 2013, 08:03 PM
The first paragraph still has a bit of a jump between present and past tense in it a the start "My eyes are not fully open". Only posting it as you said you were going to move it to past tense.

...in defense of Mariner, not really ...it's virtually all in present tense....technically, yes, there is some past tense... but not as it relates to or affects literary dynamic

Brrgh. That's cold. Blue lights. Vague blue lights. My eyes are not fully open. The temperature is unbearable. How long have I been out? Where am I? Am I still me? What happened? So many unanswered questions. The roof was so low I couldn't scratch my itchy brow. I could feel them frosty. Same with the eyelashes and my hair. How long now, til i see the outside world? Sounds. Can I hear sounds? Are they opening the chambers? Now the sounds were getting closer and closer. Til it came to me.

There is a lot of reflection which comes in the form of questions- which in the larger scope of a story is valid when the present tense narrative voice is compelled to thought, which is what Mariner is doing

What I would do, however, is break this paragraph up into 4 paragraphs. If you keep the paragraph a cohesive narrative, you'll have trouble maintaining the dynamic, IMO. My suggestion- with a few liberties:

Brrgh. It's cold...

Blue lights. Vague blue lights. But my eyes are not fully open. And the temperature is unbearable. How long have I been out? Where am I? Am I still me? What happened?... So many unanswered questions.

The roof was so low I couldn't scratch my itchy brow. I could feel them frosty- same with my eyelashes and my hair. How long til I see the outside world?

Sounds. Can I hear sounds? Are they opening the chambers?... Now the sounds are getting closer and closer, 'til it came to me.

...or some version thereof

Dictarium
March 25th, 2013, 06:36 AM
Despite the minor qualms some may (reasonably) have with the tenses of your verbs, I find this passage to be quite interesting. The simple act of opening a door has several (short) sentences dedicated to it. I've always loved describing mundane acts in lots of detail, so this part was particularly enjoyable for me. As far as constructive criticism goes, I don't know that anyone else has brought this up, but unless the narrator is omniscient, you might want to say that the doctors LOOKED a particular age (60s and 30s respectively). To say, specifically, that someone is in their "late thirties" or "sixties" is quite presumptuous and, if unfounded, is being rather overconfident in one's ability to estimate age. However, if the passage is being conveyed retrospectively from the relative future during which the narrator would already know the ages of the doctors... then totally ignore all of that, haha.

js1268
March 25th, 2013, 02:30 PM
I don't know that anyone else has brought this up, but unless the narrator is omniscient, you might want to say that the doctors LOOKED a particular age (60s and 30s respectively). To say, specifically, that someone is in their "late thirties" or "sixties" is quite presumptuous and, if unfounded, is being rather overconfident in one's ability to estimate age.

...this is a very good point

twentysix26
April 12th, 2013, 07:18 AM
Okay, well I read through this and I must say, I like it, but there were a few things I noticed that I thought could be fixed or were sort of peculiar.

The first thing i noticed was Brrrgh, I know that Brrrgh and Brrr aren't real words, but I think if you use one I prefer Brrr, but that just comes down to preference.

After that there were a few tensing issues, most of the story is in past tense but a few things are in present tense.

My eyes are not fully open. The temperature is unbearable.
should be "My eyes were not yet fully open. The temperature was unbearable."

and


Now the sounds are getting closer and closer.
should be "The sounds were\began getting closer and closer."

another preference thing I saw was that you use "til" I prefer to avoid this word and use until or at least make it 'til with an apostrophe.


At first it was just a crack, from underneath the opening of the lid.
felt odd so i thought "At first it was just a crack underneath the opening of the lid." fit better


The cold now rushed away
feels better as simply "The cold rushed away"


Now the lid thrust up.
should have been "The lid thrust open."


Stood there were a trio of doctors
should be "Standing there was a trio of doctors"


He was skinny and had boney hands.
would be better as something like "He was skinny and had boney hands like death himself." or "He was skinny and had boney hands like a skeleton."


Next up was a man in his late thirties.
feels better to me as "Next to the old man was a man in his late thirties."


Bright red hair, in a sort of afro. Her cheeks were red and full.
makes more sense to me if it says "She had bright red hair in a sort of afro and her cheeks were red and full."


"Now stay very still. Thomas, will you do the honours." And he nodded to the younger male, and he operated a crane mechanism to hoist me out of the chamber. But 1st, the girl had strapped me down to the foam. And just like that, part of the chamber lifted away. The ride was uneasy and quick. But I sort of wanted to do it again.
feels awkward and I think makes better sense if it looks more like ""Please stay very still." he said to me and then looked at the other two and said, "will you do the honors?" On command the woman strapped me to the foam and gave the young man, who I guessed was Thomas, a thumbs-up and he operated a crane mechanism to hoist me out of the chamber. The ride was uneasy and quick. But I sort of wanted to do it again."


Then was the part of removing me. Thomas now pressing more buttons, and then the foam around me started heating up and started to evaporate. Now I was leaning on a uncomfortable plastic back and the straps were loosening on me.
doesn't make sense to me because the first part makes it sound like they lifted him out with the crane when I rewrote it, so in order to continue on the path I am already taking I would change this to "Now that I was out, but still strapped to the foam Thomas pressed a few more buttons and the foam melted around me until I was laying on a stiff plastic board, the straps loosening around me as the foam dissolved."


I was impressed with the skill of these men, but then the straps flung straight into the white plastic like whips. The speed of them was unbelievable. If one had hit me, I'd have been in shreds.
should probably go a little more like "I was impressed with the skill of these people, but before I could get that thought through my mind the straps unclasped and retracted straight into the white plastic like whips. The speed of them was unbelievable, if I had moved like the doctor told me not to I'd have been in shreds."

And finally,

I was just standing up. I almost fell over as the sound and my legs were in so much pain, due to the fact I've been in cryogenic suspension for... How long? "Excuse me?" I asked politely, "What year is this?" By the chubby woman replied, "2032" Really. Out for 12 years. I wonder how my legs are still supporting me.
would feel better to me as "I tried to stand but almost fell, using the lid of my chamber as a support. My legs hurt so badly but that was to be expected seeing how I had been in cryogenic suspension for... for how long? I looked to the chubby woman on my right and said, "Excuse me, but could you tell me what year is is?" as politely as I could manage.

The woman smiled at me and said, "It's 2032, Mr..." her voice trailed off as she looked at my chambers monitor and then back at me "Mr. Doe."

twelve years in suspension, I'm surprised my legs still worked."

Hopefully some of this is helpful, most of it was just what would have worked better for me, but I really did like this I just wanted to offer some advice. I apologize if it's long.

Silenced
April 13th, 2013, 07:18 AM
I liked it, did have some errors that can be confusing but from reading the replies I see everyone else has covered it. I'm curious on how you will continue the story.

Doc_Thom
April 29th, 2013, 09:47 PM
Hey. Newbie here. I liked the concept, but for me the sentences are a bit too fragmentary, you can use a few more commas and hyphens and semi-colons ... the piece would flow a little better for me then.

Strangedays410
June 9th, 2013, 12:05 AM
i don't think you should doubt your writing at all. You've got some good lines in there. I'm wondering about your opening paragraph though. You may dislike this, but I think the passage (especially as the opening of the book) would come on stronger without it. Personally, I would start with, "At first it was just a crack," for a number of reasons. Maybe just drop a line or two in that paragraph to let us know you don't know where you are, other than a very tight space. Otherwise, I know all I need to from it. What do you think?

Jeko
June 9th, 2013, 02:46 PM
I think the story begins at the second paragraph. The first is ineffective and adds nothing.