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View Full Version : true story! (for the most part) wee flash piece, my first.



soleole
March 11th, 2013, 09:04 PM
Here it goes!
I present you: my first wee little story.
More lengthy ones to follow.
No need to be kind, only fair.
I desperately want to improve and I'm so new at this I don't even know if I should leave it as a single run on paragraph or what.
Thanks in advance for bestowing your wisdom upon me.
S.


Isn’t the shower one of the worst places to get a brilliant idea?
There you are, hands deep in your shampoo routine, singing Aretha Franklin completely out of tune and bam! It hits you like a wet towel. How to build that gold-mine gadget that scratches your back and hands you the beer - all with the press of a button. Incredulous, you wipe your eyes and try to scribble the mechanics onto the steamy wet wall but that isn’t cutting it. You’re so excited to have found the idea to secure an early retirement that you jump out of the shower; shampoo dripping onto the new carpet, soaking wet, one leg half shaved, and trying to avoid stepping on the cat you make it to your night stand.

Fumbling around the drawers where you thought you had a pen, where is the bloody pen? damn! it’s in the kitchen, I used it to write the shopping list. Did I get enough apples for the tart? That tart never comes out the way I want it, mom will complain about it again. I should buy more pens. FOCUS! Don’t lose your train of thought. You go downstairs, yep pretty naked, hopefully no curtains half open.

You run to the kitchen not without noticing that amidst all this jumping around certain ‘bits’ weren’t as giggly as they used to, pilates must be working. You smile smugly as you check yourself out on the big mirror in the hallway. Not bad for 36 year old single mother of two. Eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize! You get to the kitchen and frantically look around. Mr. Spots has followed you in spite of your attempt on his life and is looking at you flailing around, perplexed. ‘I need a PEN!’ you yell at him, annoyed he lowers his ears, and just as you start feeling slightly ridiculous asking the cat for help you spot the inked artifact on the corner of your eye.

There it is! You grab hold of it and look for anything to write on. That’ll do! As soon as you find an open space on the back of that old underwear catalogue you never bought anything out of, why have I never bought anything out of these catalogues? Oh right, I barely have time to shave my legs, let alone buy new underwear for no one to see. Especially after that painful blind date last month, that was a waste of perfectly sensible clean cotton knickers. Focus! Where was I? And you stare at those perfectly photoshopped breasts, longingly, blankly. Yup, you’ve forgotten. The idea is gone. You sit in the kitchen and start to shiver. Mr Spots rubs against your leg and offers a consoling meow.

You go back to the shower scratching your foamy little head attempting to rescue any of it, cursing your wandering mind or ADD or whatever they call it. But it’s too late. So much for retiring at 40.

Oh, I know!
Waterproof pen and paper, has anyone invented that yet?*

*author’s note: they have.†
† note to self: buy one.

lowprofile300
March 12th, 2013, 05:47 PM
Here it goes!
I present you: my first wee little story.
More lengthy ones to follow.
No need to be kind, only fair.
I desperately want to improve and I'm so new at this I don't even know if I should leave it as a single run on paragraph or what.
Thanks in advance for bestowing your wisdom upon me.
S.

Isn’t the shower one of the worst places to get a brilliant idea?
There you are, hands deep in your shampoo routine, singing Aretha Franklin completely out of tune and bam! It hits you like a wet towel. How to build that gold-mine gadget that scratches your back and hands you the beer all with the press of a button. So you incredulously wipe your eyes and try to scribble the mechanics onto the steamy wet wall but that isn’t cutting it. You’re so excited to have found the idea to secure an early retirement that you jump out of the shower, shampoo dripping onto the new carpet, soaking wet, one leg half shaved, and trying to avoid stepping on the cat you make it to your night stand.

Fumbling around the drawers where you thought you had a pen, where is the bloody pen? damn! it’s in the kitchen, I used it to write the shopping list, did I get enough apples for the tart? That tart never comes out the way I want it, mom will complain about it again. I should buy more pens. FOCUS! Don’t lose your train of thought. You go downstairs, yep pretty naked, hopefully no curtains half open.

You run to the kitchen not without noticing that amidst all this jumping around certain ‘bits’ weren’t as giggly as they used to, pilates must be working. You smile smugly as you check yourself out on the big mirror in the hallway. Not bad for 36 year old single mother of two. Eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize! You get to the kitchen and frantically look around. Mr. Spots has followed you in spite of your attempt on his life and is looking at you flailing around, perplexed. ‘I need a PEN!’ you yell at him, he lowers his ears, annoyed, and as you start feeling slightly ridiculous naked in the kitchen asking the cat for help you spot the inked artifact on the corner of your eye.

There it is! You grab hold of it and look for anything to write on. That’ll do! As soon as you find an open space on the back of that old underwear catalogue you never bought anything out of, why have I never bought anything out of these catalogues? oh right, I barely have time to shave my legs, let alone buy new underwear for no one to see. Especially after that painful blind date last month, that was a waste of perfectly sensible clean cotton knickers. Focus! Where was I? And you stare at those perfectly photoshopped breasts, longingly, blankly. Yup, you’ve forgotten. The idea is gone. You sit in the kitchen and start to shiver. Mr Spots rubs against your leg and offers a consoling meow.

You go back to the shower scratching your foamy little head attempting to rescue any of it, cursing your wandering mind or ADD or whatever they call it, but it’s too late. So much for retiring at 40.

Oh, I know!
Waterproof pen and paper, has anyone invented that yet?*


*author’s note: they have.†
† note to self: buy one.

I thought that was very good. It made me laugh:) However, I would suggest that you break it up into short paragraphs, like the example above; it is so much easier on the reading eyes that way. Cheers

soleole
March 12th, 2013, 07:00 PM
Thanks for your suggestion and your feedback LP300!! I've taken your advice on board and edited accordingly. Cheers! :)

Bruce Wayne
March 13th, 2013, 10:07 PM
I enjoyed this piece, found it very amusing.

I think this would work very well on the stage as a monologue/comedy routine.

soleole
March 19th, 2013, 12:48 AM
Thanks for the feedback Bruce! Hadn't thought about it, but a monologue might be a good idea :)

Bandage
March 20th, 2013, 06:04 AM
good read, im sure many of us can relate

js1268
March 20th, 2013, 02:55 PM
I like short stories like this. They remind me of how often I might meditate over a photograph hoping to catch a glimpse of a personality- considering the minimalism they offer.

A few issues, though... You've got too many commas combining independent clauses. They can be broken up into sentences and would make for an easier read. Also, considering the way you write, I can see the use of hyphens to break things up, as well.

For example: "How to build that gold-mine gadget that scratches your back and hands you the beer- all with the press of a button."

If not, then simply leave the word "all" out of the sentence. It's not necessary.

And this:

"So you incredulously wipe your eyes and try to scribble the... "

I know what you mean in the context of things, but the first thing I thought of was that you couldn't believe you were wiping your eyes. You're qualifying the verb "wipe" with and adverb (incredulously).

More appropriately, IMO... "Incredulous, you wipe your eyes and try to scribble the..." or some form therof

soleole
March 20th, 2013, 04:47 PM
Hi JS! Thanks a lot for your feedback, very useful and spot on. I also thought I used too many commas but wasn't sure if independent sentences would give the feeling of urgency and continuity that I was wishing the story would convey. I also like the hyphens suggestion, I'll read a bit into the proper use of it since I don't have much experience with them.
So I've taken your advice on board and tweaked accordingly. Thanks again :)

mblank
May 8th, 2013, 11:23 PM
I enjoyed your piece. It was really fun and painfully relate-able. I especially love where your character stops to check herself out in the mirror. It's one of those little things that makes her real. The only criticism I have is that switching back and forth from first to second person perspective is distracting. If you're going to do this, it's customary to use italics to indicate the "I" statements are occurring in the character's mind. Thanks for the funny read!

soleole
May 8th, 2013, 11:45 PM
Thanks mblank! that's great feedback, I will make the changes you suggest. I was wondering about the switching between first and second person and how to fix it. Thanks and glad you enjoyed it! :)

mblank
May 9th, 2013, 12:00 AM
I'm so glad my comments were helpful! I look forward to seeing more from you.