View Full Version : Beginning of Ch16 1164 words

March 9th, 2013, 11:29 PM
I'm currently working on my first story ever. The first several chapters are an utter mess that need rewritten several times over. But I'm feeling better about some of my more recent chapters, and I'd like to post the beginning of one that doesn't require back-story to understand. This chapter is 16 chapters into the story, any feedback, negative or positive, is appreciated.


"What business have ye here?" the guard inquired, peering through the slit on the gatehouse door at Ronin.
"We travel to Valberg, and then on to Karvola. We'll only be here the night."
The rusted metal slit screeched closed, a few seconds later came the sound of a crank turning, followed by one bar after another, three in all sliding from their resting positions. The guard opened the gate only wide enough for one man and one horse to pass through at a time, gazing with suspicion at each one as they passed.
"Could you point us to the stable, and any place nearby we might rent a room?" Ronin asked, watching his party just as intently as the guard.
"Just follow the main road and take your pick. And if any of you have magic about you, it is forbidden here. "
Just as the guard had said, the main road through town, leading from the east gate to the west gate, had dozens of inns, most of them with their own stable.
Dragging Aldrich away from the other two, Ronin began, "Find the nicest beds the town has. Anything less might draw a crowd that..." his voice trailed for a moment as he searched for an eloquent way to say it, "in a poorer establishment, Eyva might draw attention that we don't want to have to deal with." Without waiting for Aldrich's response, he handed him the purse full of gold and a single dagger from his armor before turning away.
"Wait, why me?"
"I've never bartered for anything. I wouldn't know if we were being taken for fools. You sold horses didn't you?"
"That's fair enough, but where are you off to?"
"I've something I need to do."
Just as he finished his words, the still night air was shattered by a series of unending, bone-chilling shrieks.
"You'd better go," Ronin said, turning towards the sound.

He recognized the tone as pain, but it was only one man screaming. Whatever had happened was most likely an accident of some sort, if the town were being attacked, others voices would accompany it. The wailing was unrelenting, he walked through alleys between streets, finding the source three streets south of the main road. A man's crushed and bleeding leg lay trapped beneath the wheel of a wagon. Dozens of town people had gathered around, one of them had begun organizing the others to tip the wagon for fear that rolling it off would sever the man's leg. Ronin ran forward to join the effort, proving to be the extra strength they needed to tip it. Two men who had been waiting immediately dragged the man away before the others allowed the wagon to crash back down, splitting the spokes of the wheel as it landed. One of the two must have been a surgeon or a man of medicine of some sort, he immediately felt up and down the man's leg, a grim expression found his face.
"The bones are shattered like gravel under one's foot," he wiped the sweat from his brow before turning to look the man in the eye, "It can't be saved. I'll fetch my knife and saw."
Ronin followed the surgeon until they were out of earshot of the rest of the group, he could hear the faint sobs of the man behind them. "I might be able to save his leg."
The surgeon turned to face him, "And who might you be?" he answered with veiled indignation.
"Me? I'm no one, just a traveler from the desert, on his way to see a man about a demon. And you?"
The surgeon paused a moment, considering the stranger's offer, "I am the town's humble physician, educated in medicine by the finest medical minds in Shardizzar. I will allow you to try, only so I might see if you know something of medicine I do not, but he will be on my table, and I will be there waiting with my tools if you should fail."
Ronin wheeled back around, striding to the man and lifting him to his shoulder while taking great care not to touch the injured leg, "Lead."

The still nameless physician lead Ronin through an alley to the second street from the main road, they had taken to a jog, Ronin having to slow his pace to stay with the man.
"What man of medicine is so practiced in physicality?" the man panted as he lead Ronin, who was still breathing evenly even while carrying the injured man.
"One who wished you would run faster. Tell me how to reach your home so I might begin my work."
"Follow this street until you reach the smithy, I chose that location to keep my tools--"
"I don't care why, where?" demanded Ronin with a growing sense of urgency.
"Turn left down the first street after the smith's house, then right at the first street after that, there's a sign, you'll know," he stopped, leaning with his hands on his knees, wheezing for air.
Ronin left the physician and the rest of the crowd that had been following them behind, hearing the man shout after him, "First right."
The smith's home was near the end of the row, only a block from the wooden palisade wall. A left turn, then a right turn later, he saw the sign protruding from the second floor of the house, Ailments and Malefices, the house was nestled right up against the palisade. He made no motion to slow as he approached the door, raising his foot to the handle as he came in reach. The wood around the handle gave way beneath his foot, causing the door to swing wide with a crash as it collided with the wall behind it. First right he thought to himself, walking down a hallway that seemed only to have doors leading left, finally at the end, a single door leading right. It opened into a room as long as the entire hallway. His frustration rising, he thought to himself how much more sense it would have made to put the door at the beginning of the hallway, but it didn't matter now. He laid the man down on the surgeon's table, again taking care not to cause further harm to the mauled leg.
"This is going to hurt like nothing you've ever felt before," he warned, "Put this in your mouth," he commanded, pulling off his leather gauntlet.
"Wait," the man gasped gesturing towards a bookcase that held not books, but medical ornaments of all kind. "The bit, is clean," he could barely speak, slurring his words in pain.
Ronin quickly scanned the bookcase, starting with the top shelf and working his way down before he spotted the cylindrical chunk of leather on the third shelf from the bottom.
He stood over the man's head, "Open."
The man reached up, grabbing a handful of Ronin's armor, "Tie me down," he spoken much clearer than before, "So I don't try to kill you."

March 15th, 2013, 05:21 PM
The first thing that I puled me in was the interesting jargon in which you had the guard speaking: "'What business have ye here?'". But, it seemed to disappear in his next few lines: "'Just follow the main road and take your pick.'" If I were you, I'd keep up the same sort of voice for him. It adds to the authenticity of the character.

Other than that, the writing it very good. I got a good sense of the whole scene, so the imagery is solid. The story itself is interesting as well. The character Ronin is likable and believable. Perhaps draw out the scene where he helps to lift the wagon to characterize him a bit more. It might it was more geared to a third person limited. This would allow the reader to get more of what I'm assuming, from this excerpt, is your main character and his emotions and personality.

Overall, good job :)

March 16th, 2013, 04:26 AM
Great job! Excellent narrative pace :D