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Roscone
March 9th, 2013, 07:02 PM
Thera Robinson sits on a towel at the edge of the pool watching the kids swim and relaxing as she reads a magazine. With a natural talent and true to her athletic nature, Victoria Hanson swims laps upand down the length of the pool. Thera sometimes marvels how much she resembles a professional swimmer. Startled suddenly, Victoria stops at the edge of the pool to look back at her twin, Andrea, in an area of the pool much further away. She pulls her small frame up onto the side ofthe pool and turns to sit and watch her sister.
“How did you get over there so fast?”Victoria’s question and obvious unease draws Thera’s attention away from her magazine and to the pool, searching for Andrea.
As if in response to the question, Andrea Hanson swims fast again and her movements seem haunting, inhuman. Too much for Thera to take as she watches both girls, one showing off her uncanny abilityand the other growing more frightened by the passing moments of the demonstration, Thera rises in slow motion, dropping her magazine. Andrea increases her energy and speed as she moves forward in the water, her movements making itlook as if the water is not heavy against her small frame or impeding in anyway. Thera moves closer to Victoria, readying herself to protect the scared child but as yet uncertain how to or from what exactly. Turning flips in and out of the water, causing massive water puddles to fly into the air, then drop suddenly in the same shape in which they’d been invisibly lifted, Andrea isintentionally disrupting the entire pool beyond what the human mind can comprehend.
Victoria wipes water out of her eyeswith a towel, then slips feet first into the water again.
In the same moment and with obvious panic, Thera Robinson yells, “Get out of the water!” She is waving her hands franticallyand pacing near the pools edge. “Come out of the water!” she yells again.
Andrea somehow makes water splash out of the pool violently and with no visible motion of her body or hands. The pool’s water separates from the center creating a divide with water towering on both sides and only a dry center where Victoria is thrown by an unknown force. The sound of her slight frame thudding on the concrete belly of the pool unhinges Thera further. She gasps, holding still, frozen and breathless until she sees that Victoria is unharmed. Her mind races as she tries to make sense of the events unfolding in front of her and how to throw herself into a position to protect Victoria and to stop Andrea simultaneously. Again breathing in response to her own body’s demands for air, she notices that Andrea is sitting on one of the steps by the railing. Focusing again on Victoria lying prone and terrified in the void where water should naturally be as it instead rages on both sides, Thera can only watch in horror.
Andrea looks down on her sister with no remorse, no emotion, only a semblance of amusement sparking at the cornersof her mouth. She tilts her neck, leaning her head to one side and then sticks a finger down to touch the water nearest where she is sitting. When she doesthis, the water calms and its free flowing is at a stand still momentarily untilit changes to a bright and translucent blood red. The change still held the same clear reflection of Andreas face as it had when it was the clear, chlorine blue-green that a swimming pool should be. Thera’s mind struggles to remain steady, her nerves already gone as she trembles with fear for Victoria.
A mischievous smile spreads across Andrea’s face, sharply and with no other evident movements she turns her eyes and full attention to her sister. Thera knows suddenly the reason that Victoriais not moving. The realization that sheis bound there and held in place by her sister’s powerful force somehow seems anatural course of thought.
Victoria whimpers, tears starting toform as she stutters, “I, Mom I’m scared w-w-what, what do I do? I c-c-can’tmove.”
Her heart breaking, she tries tosoothe and calm Victoria as she responds, “Victoria, you have to close youreyes honey. Please close your eyes. Think of yourself right here in this placeand see yourself being free. You have to feel it, feel this moment, feel free.”
Victoria closes her eyes, scrunches them really, looking like she is trying hard to concentrate. Andrea rises from herseat on the step to move to a higher level. The water starts moving out of thepool and flows from the front to the back of the pool, then pulls outward andupward with a rush. The water is raging above all three of their head’s now, looming dangerously over Victoria still imprisoned in the middle and lowestpoint. A few drops at a time fall from the waters highest point and onto her tremblingbody like rain sprinkles.
Thera is frozen in place and hervoice betrays her fear as she yells, “Please stop this at once, free yoursister from this hold you have on her! Andrea! Right now!” Andrea looks at her Mother and stares at her as if she is trying to interpret the strength in herwords. She comes to the conclusion that she has instilled a new level of fearin her mother that will forever change any strength her own mother might attempt to gather for punishing her.
Andrea glares with the same red of the pool now also visible in her eyes as she turns her head slowly back towardsVictoria and says, “Or what Mother?”

abbymeg
March 10th, 2013, 09:27 AM
Thera Robinson sits on a towel at the edge of the pool watching the kids swim this 'and' should be a comma relaxing as she reads a magazine. With a natural talent and true to her athletic nature, Victoria Hanson swims laps upand down the length of the pool. Thera sometimes marvels at how much she resembles a professional swimmer. Startled suddenly, Victoria stops at the edge of the pool to look back at her twin, Andrea, in an area of the pool much further away. She pulls her small frame up onto the side ofthe pool and turns to sit and watch her sister. What startled her - If her twin is much further away?
“How did you get over there so fast?”Victoria’s question and obvious. Unease draws Thera’s attention away from her magazine and to the pool, searching for Andrea.
As if in response to the question, Andrea Hanson swims fast again and her movements seem haunting, inhuman. Too much for Thera to take as she watches both girls, one showing off her uncanny abilityand the other growing more frightened by the passing moments of the demonstration, Thera rises in slow motion, dropping her magazine. Andrea increases her energy and speed as she moves forward in the water, her movements making itlook as if the water is not heavy against her small frame or impeding in anyway. Thera moves closer to Victoria, readying herself to protect the scared child - you can put a comma before but, I think it's a stylistic choice but as yet uncertain how to or from what exactly. Turning flips in andout of the water, causing massive water puddles to fly into the air, then drop suddenly in the same shape in which they’d been invisibly lifted, Andrea isintentionally disrupting the entire pool beyond what the human mind can comprehend.
Victoria wipes water out of her eyeswith a towel, then slips feet first into the water again.
In the same moment and with obvious panic, Thera Robinson yells, “Get out of the water!” She is waving her hands franticallyand pacing near the pools edge. “Come out of the water!” she yells again.
Andrea somehow makes water splash outof the pool violently - try moving your adverb around to make your sentence shorter, give it more impact and with no visible motion of her body or hands. The pool’s water separates from the center creating a divide with water towering on both sides and only a dry center - don't repeat, look for another synonym where Victoria is thrown by an unknown force. The sound of her slight frame thudding on the concrete belly of the pool unhinges Thera further. She gasps, holding still, frozen and breathless until she sees that Victoria is unharmed. Her mind races as she tries to make sense of the events unfolding in front of her and how tothrow herself into a position to protect Victoria and to stop Andreasimultaneously. Again breathing in response to her own body’s demands for air, she notices that Andrea is sitting on one of the steps by the railing. Focusing again on Victoria lying prone and terrified in the void where water shouldnaturally be as it instead rages on both sides, Thera can only watch in horror.
Andrea looks down on her sister withno remorse, no emotion, only a semblance of amusement sparking at the cornersof her mouth. She tilts her neck, leaning her head to one side and then sticks afinger down to touch the water nearest where she is sitting. When she doesthis, the water calms and its free flowing is at a standstill momentarily untilit changes to a bright and translucent blood red. The change still held the same clearreflection of Andrea's face as it had when it was the clear, chlorine blue-greenthat a swimming pool should be. Thera’s mind struggles to remain steady, hernerves already gone as she trembles with fear for Victoria.
A mischievous smile spreads acrossAndrea’s face, sharply and with no other evident movements she turns her eyesand full attention to her sister. Thera knows suddenly the reason that Victoriais not moving. The realization that sheis bound there and held in place by her sister’s powerful force somehow seems anatural course of thought.
Victoria whimpers, tears starting toform as she stutters, “I, Mom I’m scared w-w-what, what do I do? I c-c-can’tmove.”
Her heart breaking, she tries tosoothe and calm Victoria as she responds, “Victoria, you have to close youreyes honey. Please close your eyes. Think of yourself right here in this placeand see yourself being free. You have to feel it, feel this moment, feel free.”
Victoria closes her eyes, scrunches them really, looking like she is trying hard to concentrate. Andrea rises from herseat on the step to move to a higher level. The water starts moving out of thepool and flows from the front to the back of the pool, then pulls outward andupward with a rush. The water is raging above all three of their head’s now, looming dangerously over Victoria still imprisoned in the middle and lowestpoint. A few drops at a time fall from the waters highest point and onto her tremblingbody like rain sprinkles.
Thera is frozen in place and hervoice betrays her fear as she yells, “Please stop this at once, free yoursister from this hold you have on her! Andrea! Right now!” Andrea looks at her Mother and stares at her as if she is trying to interpret the strength in herwords. She comes to the conclusion that she has instilled a new level of fearin her mother that will forever change any strength her own mother might attempt to gather for punishing her.
Andrea glares with the same red of the pool now also visible in her eyes as she turns her head slowly back towardsVictoria and says, “Or what Mother?”

I really like this idea - sibling rivalry turned malevolent.

I've highlighted where spaces are missed and the odd punctuation mark. I think the main thing that would speed the pace up would be to look at your structure as the paragraphs are quite long in places. Also, a few sentences are quite wordy which can be sorted with a bit of reordering, e.g. "With no visible motion of her body or hands, Andrea somehow makes the water violently splash out of the pool." In fact, I would rethink 'splash' as doesn't the water sort of hover above them? Would it rush out of the pool rather than splash?

Another one that needs a rewrite is:

"The pool’s water separates from the center creating a divide with water towering on both sides and only a dry center where Victoria is thrown by an unknown force."


I do think this is a very interesting piece of writing, it just needs a bit of tightening up.

abbymeg
March 10th, 2013, 09:33 AM
Or, "With no visible motion of her body (as hands would be included, or just put her hands), Andrea somehow makes the water rise from the pool." ?

The (pool's is redundant as the reader knows where it is from) water separates and divides. It towers on both sides, leaving the concrete bottom exposed. Victoria is thrown there... Short sentences for impact.

Roscone
March 10th, 2013, 06:09 PM
I really like this idea - sibling rivalry turned malevolent.

I've highlighted where spaces are missed and the odd punctuation mark. I think the main thing that would speed the pace up would be to look at your structure as the paragraphs are quite long in places. Also, a few sentences are quite wordy which can be sorted with a bit of reordering, e.g. "With no visible motion of her body or hands, Andrea somehow makes the water violently splash out of the pool." In fact, I would rethink 'splash' as doesn't the water sort of hover above them? Would it rush out of the pool rather than splash?

Another one that needs a rewrite is:

"The pool’s water separates from the center creating a divide with water towering on both sides and only a dry center where Victoria is thrown by an unknown force."


I do think this is a very interesting piece of writing, it just needs a bit of tightening up.


Thank You. I don't know why when I send a thread the spaces between some of the text change. I really need to go back and fix that. The feedback is great. This is a story I am still working on. I will not let it go until it's complete.

abbymeg
March 10th, 2013, 09:43 PM
It makes for a really interesting novel concept. I would write my way through it then go back and edit it. It will be great - well done and good luck with the rest :-)

Roscone
March 10th, 2013, 10:24 PM
It makes for a really interesting novel concept. I would write my way through it then go back and edit it. It will be great - well done and good luck with the rest :-)

Thank You Abbymeg, I see you have very post you joined a month after me. Thank you for commenting. I definitely have more to the story but this is the only part I had professionally edited. I am trying to see which editor to go with. The story is very complex. Did you wonder why the Mother of the children do not carry the same last name? It is because she was kidnapped and conceived the children from another man.