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js1268
March 9th, 2013, 01:25 AM
removed for rewrite... will repost once complete

bazz cargo
March 9th, 2013, 06:59 PM
Hi JS,
intriguing little snippet. The 'sermon' had me stuck with a religious feel that made it seem like a parable.

Nice the way you fit action and dialogue to help keep track of who is speaking.

Leanne comes across as a smart and rounded character. Tristan is slightly easier to relate to but harder to picture.

As a clip on its own it lacks a lot of useful detail; background and so on. The whole thing moves at a nice speed and I cannot fault the technical stuff.

Thanks for the share
Bazz

js1268
March 9th, 2013, 07:36 PM
hi bazz cargo,

indeed, you nailed leanne and tristan in just this short snippet!... that's a good thing, right?

and i wholly agree... on its own it does lack a lot of useful detail, given that it's only a short clip from a 108,000 word novel... your feedback is very much appreciated... thank you!

Koshka
March 12th, 2013, 08:06 PM
I found the first paragraph more like a lecture than a sermon -- and a very didactic lecture at that. How does the dense single paragraph benefit the reader? I would break it at "I carried on" and (breaking the sentence) "Sadly Salinger realized that." None of this changes the meaning but eases the reader.

I also became a little confused between the cliff and the wall. In the end, which was it, a collision or a fall.

But when the dialogue starts, we fly! The talk bounces back and forth, and we are always sure of the speaker. When Leanne brings in Mom's christmas visit, that is excellent -- pure vérité. As the conversation ends we wonder, will he write the book? I suspect so.

/Koshka

js1268
March 13th, 2013, 02:44 AM
great critique, Koshka!...thank you!

it's funny, i've been going back and forth between the words 'sermon' and 'lecture'!... the latter i now believe is more fitting

also, i really like your suggestion about breaking things with "I carried on"

and yes... the cliff and the wall, collision or fall? ....will clean up!

very much appreciated!... thank you