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starchild
March 6th, 2013, 05:17 PM
Nirvana by StarChild

They say the great dragon-snake lives at the bottom of the ocean beneath the sands of time. And any brave soul who swims deep enough, might happen upon the sinking tunnel which will lead them to the center of the earth. This is where the great beast lives, being fed by only the essences of darkness. Anyone who is fortunate enough to find this secret opening shall be granted awesome powers. This can happen only after winning over the dragon-snake deep in the cave below the sea. The dragon has always been Leviathan. Anyone who can tame this underwater beast, is granted the key to the underworld city of Atlantis.

wehttam
March 7th, 2013, 05:40 AM
Very stylistic. One issue I had was the use of the word awesome. Clearly, the original definition of "Awe-inspiring" is intended. However, the way I read it is in the voice of myself, at the age of twelve, using the more modern definition- "Anything a twelve-year-old would find to be entertaining or otherwise interesting." i'd suggest you use the actual phrase "awe-inspiring" instead of awesome, because I cannot even type that word without hearing my own prepubescent voice saying it.

popsprocket
March 7th, 2013, 08:01 AM
You'd have to defend your choice to open with a bit of exposition like this by telling me what age group this is aimed at. It feels like the opening narration to a hollywood blockbuster that is designed to appeal to 14 year old boys and apart from explosions, it's mostly just fluff.

Tiberius
March 7th, 2013, 09:50 AM
Anyone who can tame this underwater beast, is granted the key to the underworld city of Atlantis.

You don't need that comma.

Nice start to an adventure!

Mariner
March 7th, 2013, 03:48 PM
Very good start. Just a few grammar issues as pointed out.