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View Full Version : Shanghai Island (Working Title) (YA, Adventure, Bit of Romance)



Juganhuy
February 28th, 2013, 08:31 PM
THIS THREAD HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH CLEAN COPY OF TEXT BELOW. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!





Hello!

So got this idea from many outlets, and it fell together nicley I think as far as story. It will be told from both points of view to show inner conflict and growth of the two main characters. Pretty much, boy that has always been picked on is stuck with a girl that hates him for no good reason. The go on a class trip and end up getting kidnapped. When they attempted to escape, they crash on an island. Many events later, they get along (Somewhat)

Below, I included a VERY rough start of the first part/chapter as I try and figure out how to structure it (As far as switching points of view). I was thinking maybe 5 Parts, each with seperate *** as a day or switch point of view. The "Parts" could be a week. I don't now, but any advice would be appreciate it.

I am thinking they will be stranded for about 5 weeks.

Anyways, after a sample of the witing, I included the outline of how the rest of the book will flow. Again, anything that you can think to get the reader emotionally interested and attached would be appreciated. There will other minor plot builders not noted, but tried to list key points.

Thank you and enjoy (What there is of it)!


Part 1
A question that nearly that nearly everyone has been asked is, “If you were trapped on a deserted island, who would you want to be stuck with?”

A month ago, Charley Shares wouldn’t have chosen Evelyn Tosh. Likewise, Evelyn wouldn’t be caught dead being anywhere close to Charley, let alone an island.

They never got along, and to be honest, it was mostly Evelyn that was the problem. Ever since she laid eyes on the fragile boy in leg braces in elementary school, everything about him just annoyed her. It wasn’t that he was mean to her, in fact Charley made several attempts to speak with Evelyn when they were younger, even giving her an extra lollipop in her Valentines card. But something in Evelyn just disliked Charley, end she never could narrow it down to a single thing. As she explained it to her friends, “It’s just there.”

For Charley, he never had a problem with the curly blonde. He had a crush on her when he first was introduced to his third grade class when he transferred in from Idaho. He tried to talk with her, but Evelyn would either ignore him or tease him until he ran off crying. It wasn’t his fault he was a “Tin Man” or looked like “Forest Gump”. After several attempts, he just gave up trying, and focused more on avoiding her.

Charley was born with Scoliosis, which in fact had nothing to do with his legs, but rather his back. He was forced into leg braces by the age of four to help straighten his back, and luckily he got the “okay” from the doctors just before his fourteenth that he no longer had to wear them. He has been brace free for nearly two years now, and things were supposed to change for him. He was supposed to fit in as there was no other reason for others to outcast him or pick on him. That wasn’t the case, however, as the cruelty of the high school kids continued with Evelyn right along beside them.

It’s not that he doesn’t have any friends; it’s just that they are not the ones that would have your back when you needed it.
Charley looked at the bright side of things though. He has another year and a half of High School and he can start over somewhere completely new. He may even get a girlfriend. He dreamed of the day when he can walk into his class reunion as a rich, successful businessman with a beautiful wife on his arm. Dreams. That’s all he has to look forward too.

The key was to stay low, not make a scene, pass all his classes, and then he would be free. Unfortunately, his parents forced him to come on this stupid class trip to China. Charley insisted that he had no interest in China, and would rather stay home for the summer, but they told him it would be a great experience and that he could make some friends. In reality, Charley wanted to go to China, just not with the people who would go out of their way to make his life miserable.

As usual, Charley lost the fight and has been trapped in a large tin can for almost fifteen hours as they approach their destination of Shanghai Hongqiao International Airport in Shanghai, China.

Charley knew the trip was fated for disaster as soon as he boarded the plane. First of all he was stuck in the middle seat at the rear of the plane, right next to the restrooms. If you have ever been on an international flight then you know that using the bathroom is a must, so Charley had the most unfortunate pleasure of watching - and smelling- close to a hundred people pass by to relieve themselves. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was sandwiched between two elderly Chinese men who smelled liked they hadn’t bathed in months. The smell of body odor, oil, and rotting fish are smells that will be forever branded into his nostrils. Just for the sake of complication, the man in the window seat continuously picked his nose and flung the particles any place he deemed fit, which meant on Charley’s feet. It amazed him that the man could get so much out. By the end of the trip, he had several grey and green bugger balls that had been caught in the creases of his pants. The man that had the aisle seat was much more respectful as far as his bodily functions, but he went through a five pound bag of sunflower seeds in a single flight. The combination of mashed nuts and sour breath further added to the smell of the bathroom and the body odor, but in a way it was the worst of them all. The man would split the shells into the small plastic beverage cups, and wouldn’t let the flight attendants take them. The cups were packed with shells and spit that erupted with a sickening stench from the slightest movement. Finally, the man needed to relieve himself so he threw away his cups of shell on his way to the bathroom. This gave Charley hope that the man was finally done with his eight hour snack, but was disappointed when the man returned with four empty cups, and preceded to finish off the half eaten bag. It wasn’t until a few moments ago when they announced over the intercom that w would be landing shortly that the man finally handed off his cups to the flight attendant and proceeded to take a nap.



***


At the other end of the plane, Evelyn was wide awake and ready to go. Her parents had paid extra so she could fly first class, and it was well worth it. She felt bad for her friends, who were stuck back in business class though. She had been anticipating this trip for months, and it was off to a fantastic start. The flight attendant gave Evelyn two bottles of Jack Daniels each time she ordered a ginger ale. It must have been habit by the flight attendant, but Evelyn didn’t complain. As she received each bottle of liquor she would stash them in her back pack. She thinks that she has about twelve bottles total. When she had figured out that the flight attendant didn’t seem to be paying attention, she began ordering more drinks to stock up. The only downside was the frequent visits to the restrooms, but first class restrooms were always empty. She had never drank before, but since this was her big vacation away from home, she thought maybe her and her friends could put these bottles to some good use once they get to their hotels.


Arrive at airport (Charley brought his braces (Forced))

Charley & Evelyn (Assigned as buddies) spend the day in Shanghai (Charley tortured by Evelyn)

Both forgot to turn watches back. (They were warned to set clocks back at hotel. Evelyn missed because she throws a fit. Charley goes to bathroom.)

Miss the bus back to hotel. They were supposed to be on a flight. Evelyn had thrown away contact info in her rage before the left hotel. After a few hours, find their way back to hotel.

Class already left. Tried to explain to hotel clerk. Clerk says he understands (Lies, and calls slavers).

Slavers pick them up and tell them they will be taking them to the destination.

They board small one engine plane. Charley says they shouldn’t Evelyn makes fun of him and says he can stay.

They both bored, and Charley notices they are flying north instead of south. Pilot ignores him. When Charley moves forward to get a better view, another man pushed him down. Man mocks him and said he has just been “Shanghaied”. Charley pushes forward. In the fight, steering controls get damaged and they started to spin out of control.

Plane crashes on island. Charley and Evelyn survive. No injuries.

They survive, but fight a lot. Evelyn begins to regret treating Charley badly, but cannot let herself admit it. They slowly begin to work together.

Charley catches Evelyn on her phone “talking” with someone. The hone was dead and Evelyn breaks down, letting Charley comfort her.

Next day, trying not to appear weak, Evelyn insults Charley.

The kidnappers find the island to recover the plain and its cargo (drugs).

The kidnappers spot Charley and Evelyn and try to catch them. They were able to fend them off with use from guns from crash. Kidnappers flee, but not before dumping fuel over the island near Charley and Evelyn, then lighting a fire.

In the flee, Charley falls trying to help Evelyn escape. He is knocked unconscious and is barely breathing. Evelyn breaks down and begins to tell him she was sorry and that she needed him. She tries to move him but is scared that he has broken bones.

Charley wakes up the second night, with bits and pieces of memory when he was unconscious. Evelyn tries to hold back her feelings. She mentions that they were probably going to miss prom, and jokes she probably was to small now for her dress. Charley said he wasn’t going to go anyways.

Charley tells her that he wants to try and get off the island, that the kidnappers may come back. They build a single person raft out of the old plane, and were able to get just enough charge on their phones from the battery to make a call if they get within range of a cell tower.

Charley leaves, and tells her that if he makes it off and gets them rescued, she will owe him. She agrees and he leaves.

A plane spots Evelyn and rescues her. The rescuers asked where Charley was, and she became frantic, telling them they needed to fly around and find him. They were low on fuel, and brought her back to Shanghai and sent home.

After 2 weeks, there was no word that Charley was found. Evelyn, trying to be strong, but still distraught, decides to push herself to go to prom.

At the prom, her date, which was a prick, kept making fun of Charley. Evelyn slaps him, and there was a commotion. Everyone, instead of the scene Evelyn made, was cheering as Charley entered the room on crutched. People were high fiving him and hugging him like he was a hero.

Evelyn walks over, emotions held tight, not to look weak, and asked when he got back. After an awkward moment of small chat, Charley admitted/joked that he had thought about what he should be owed from Evelyn if he made it back. He said he thought a dance would be pretty funny, but in the crutches he didn’t think he would make it, and didn’t want to put her through the embarrassment. Instead he requests that she “try” and not pick on him.

Evelyn breaks down, and admits that she was horrible to him and asks for his forgiveness. She told him he was a real friend and that she would dance with him, but not because she “owed” him. They walk to the dance floor, and he tries to dance with the crutches. She tells him to let go of the crutches and trust her. She supports him as they dance.

Bruno Spatola
March 1st, 2013, 01:03 PM
It's a great idea, I think. I like those stories where different people are forced with eachother, forced to get along, and finally brought together by terrible events. It may not be original or surprising, but it's always interesting when done well.

Character-wise, it sounds pretty good. I like Charley, definitely, although you lay on his story a bit thickly with his scoliosis and whatnot. You want us to feel sorry for him, sure, that makes sense, but maybe not so . . . easily, if that's the right word. No matter, I liked him, that's what's important.

Evelyn I don't like in the least -- that's the point, obviously. She's going to walk a path of redemption in this story, I get it, but their differences are a bit extreme to me. She's repulsive and Charley's rather lovely. With just the two of them, it could be annoying to read, depending on length. How quickly is she going to see the "error of her ways," so to speak? It'll take careful planning to get that just right.

The ideas you've laid out after the excerpt seem fine. I can't really comment on them properly as bullet-points, but they sound okay. I won't add anything, that's your job, but I think you're on the right track, personally. I liked most of what I read there. I will say that it would be pretty cool if there was something more perilous on the island; a wild animal, maybe. Although their situation is harrowing enough, adding to it wouldn't be a bad thing. Surprise the reader.

I know you said that the introduction is rough, but I thought I'd review it a bit anyway. It can't hurt really, eh?




A question that nearly that nearly everyone has been asked is, "if you were trapped on a deserted island, who would you want to be stuck with?" Is this a question that 'nearly everyone' has been asked? I think that's overstating it a touch. I've underlined a mistake at the beginning, too; not a good sign when the first line has an error, so be careful.


Likewise, Evelyn wouldn’t be caught dead being anywhere close to Charley, let alone an island.'Likewise, Evelyn wouldn't have been caught dead anywhere near Charley, let alone on an island.' You're still talking about their past selves ("a month ago"), so maintain the tense.


They never got along, and to be honest, it was mostly Evelyn that was the problem.

This is probably a stylistic choice on your part, which is fine, but, for me, I really don't like the informal phrases coming from the narrator at times. Just saying!


. . . even giving her an extra lollipop in her Valentines card.

'Valentine's card.'


But something in Evelyn just disliked Charley, endshe never could narrow it down to a single thing.

This sounds a little clunky. Something like, 'But something inside Evelyn just didn't like Charley, and she could never figure out what,' could be better.


For Charley, he never had a problem with the curly blonde.

Slipping in, "curly blonde," is a bit inelegant. There's plenty of time to describe her yet. Nothing major, it just stuck out immediately. Describing her hair in the next scene -- about the crush he had on her -- would sound better, and make more sense.


He had a crush on her when he first was introduced to his third grade class when he transferred in from Idaho.

You're telling us a lot about these characters in a very short space of time. They're going to be trapped on an island; save it all for then, don't jam it in the intro. Also, unless the Idaho thing is quite important, it might not even be necessary. It could be quite interesting to leave out some of the back-story.


He tried to talk with her, but Evelyn would either ignore him or tease him until he ran off crying. It wasn’t his fault he was a “Tin Man” or looked like “Forest Gump”. After several attempts, he just gave up trying, and focused more on avoiding her.

I know you're trying to establish that the reader should dislike Evelyn at first, but she just sounds like a genuinely nasty person, and will to most readers. It doesn't sound as simple as her not liking Charley that much; it sounds like bullying. Just a thought! If it's still that rough, don't leave it in; Just give a synopsis of the story if that's what you want reviewed :).


He has been brace free for nearly two years now, and things were supposed to change for him. 'He had been brace-free for two years by that point; things should have changed, or so he thought.' I know it's rough, but the tenses keep getting shaky. You should stay on top of that, even in the early drafts. You should certainly fix them for when you post it here, otherwise it's simply hard to read.


That wasn’t the case, however, as the cruelty of the high school kids continued with Evelyn right along beside them.

'With Evelyn right alongside them,' or, 'right beside them.'


It’s not that he doesn’t have any friends; it’s just that they are not the ones that would have your back when you needed it.

'It's not that he didn't have any friends; just not the kinds of friends that had your back when you needed it most.'


He has another year and a half of High School and he can start over somewhere completely new. He may even get a girlfriend. He dreamed of the day when he can walk into his class reunion as a rich, successful businessman with a beautiful wife on his arm. Dreams. That’s all he has to look forward too.

Tenses. Rough, I know, but still.


As usual, Charley lost the fight and has been trapped in a large tin can for almost fifteen hours as they approach their destination of Shanghai Hongqiao International Airport in Shanghai, China. We know it's Shanghai, and China, too. Seems redundant to repeat it.


Just for the sake of complication, the man in the window seat continuously picked his nose and flung the particles any place he deemed fit, which meant on Charley’s feet. This made me laugh, ha.


. . . several grey and green bugger balls that had been caught in the creases of his pants.

'booger balls.'


. . . but he went through a five pound bag of sunflower seeds in a single flight.

A five-pound bag of seeds? Is that humanly possible?


The combination of mashed nuts and sour breath further added to the smell of the bathroom and the body odor,

'Nicely complemented,' could be funnier there, I think.


She felt bad for her friends, who were stuck back in business class though. 'She felt bad for her friends who were stuck in business class seats, though.'


The flight attendant gave Evelyn two bottles of Jack Daniels each time she ordered a ginger ale.


Come on, now: really? What a stupid woman she has to be. It must be her first time for that to make sense, I think


She thinks that she has about twelve bottles total.

'She thought that she had. . .'


She had never drank before, but since this was her big vacation away from home, she thought maybe her and her friends could put these bottles to some good use once they get to their hotels. Man, I really hate this girl. Bullying and generally devious behaviour. If she's going to change in five weeks. . . It'll be a great read if you pull it off, but damn, that could be tough for you. Good luck!

Juganhuy
March 1st, 2013, 03:52 PM
Thanks!

I know Evelyn sounds like a spoiled bully (And she is), but when she has everything that she thinks mattered stripped away, she will begin to realize what kind of person she really is. She is not a bad person, really, just to Charley, and like she mentioned, she is not sure why.

The point is not for them to fall in love, it is more about becoming friends. What happens after I may leave to the readers immagination. It is about Evelyn being broken and taking a look at the type of person she is. It's about Charley who just wants "now" to be over and start living his life. It's about two people who seem like they have nothing in common and realizing they are more alike than they think (Will be explained in the book).

I know it's not the most original idea, and I am not aiming for that. I am just wanting to tell a story.

And as for the sunflower seeds...Yes, it is possible. My wife and I went to China and we sat next to a man that ate them the whole way. It smelled soooooo bad.

I went through and made some edits, but left some of the items in. Later as aI write I may take them out and plug them somewhere else.

I also added a bit more.

Thanks again.


Shanghai Island

A question that many have been asked is, “If you were trapped on a deserted island, who would you want to be stuck with?”

A month ago, Charley Shares wouldn’t have chosen Evelyn Tosh. Likewise, Evelyn wouldn’t have been caught dead being anywhere close to Charley, let alone an island.

If there was anyone to truly blame for either of them getting along, it would be Evelyn. Ever since she laid eyes on the fragile boy in leg braces back in elementary school, everything about him just annoyed her. It wasn’t that he was mean to her, in fact Charley made several attempts to speak with Evelyn when they were younger, even giving her an extra lollipop in her Valentine’s card. But something inside Evelyn just didn't like Charley, and she could never figure out what. As she explained it to her friends, “It’s just there.”
For Charley, he never had a problem with Evelyn, at least not at first. He had a crush on her when he first was introduced to his third grade class when he had transferred in. He tried to talk with her, but Evelyn would either ignore him or tease him until he ran off crying. It wasn’t his fault he was a “Tin Man” or looked like “Forest Gump”. After several attempts, he just gave up trying, and focused more on avoiding her.

Charley was born with Scoliosis, which in fact had nothing to do with his legs, but rather his back. He was forced into leg braces by the age of four to help straighten his back, and luckily he got the “okay” from the doctors just before his fourteenth that he no longer had to wear them. He had been brace-free for almost two years; things were supposed to have changed. He was supposed to fit in as there was no other reason for others to outcast him or pick on him. That wasn’t the case, however, as the cruelty of the high school kids continued with Evelyn right alongside them.

It’s not that he didn’t have any friends; just that they are not the ones that would have your back when you needed them most.

Charley looked at the bright side of things though. He had another year and a half of High School and then he could start over somewhere completely new. He may even get a girlfriend. He dreamed of the day when he would walk into his class reunion as a rich, successful businessman with a beautiful wife on his arm. Dreams. That’s all he had to look forward too.

The key was to stay low, not make a scene, pass all his classes, and then he would be free. Unfortunately, his parents forced him to come on this stupid class trip to China. Charley insisted that he had no interest in China, and would rather stay home for the summer, but they told him it would be a great experience and that he could make some friends. In reality, Charley wanted to go to China, just not with the people who would go out of their way to make his life miserable.

As usual, Charley lost the fight and has been trapped in a large tin can for almost fifteen hours as they approach their destination of Shanghai Hongqiao International Airport.
Charley knew the trip was fated for disaster as soon as he boarded the plane. First of all he was stuck in the middle seat at the rear of the plane, right next to the restrooms. If you have ever been on an international flight then you know that using the bathroom is a must, so Charley had the most unfortunate pleasure of watching - and smelling- close to a hundred people pass by to relieve themselves. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was sandwiched between two elderly Chinese men who smelled liked they hadn’t bathed in months. The smell of body odor, oil, and rotting fish are smells that will be forever branded into his nostrils. Just for the sake of complication, the man in the window seat continuously picked his nose and flung the particles any place he deemed fit, which meant on Charley’s feet. It amazed him that the man could get so much out. By the end of the trip, he had several grey and green booger balls that had been caught in the creases of his pants. The man that had the aisle seat was much more respectful as far as his bodily functions, but he went through a five pound bag of sunflower seeds in a single flight. The combination of mashed nuts and sour breath nicely complimented the smell of the bathroom and the body odor, but in a way it was the worst of them all. The man would split the shells into the small plastic beverage cups, and wouldn’t let the flight attendants take them. The cups were packed with shells and spit that erupted with a sickening stench from the slightest movement. Finally, the man needed to relieve himself so he threw away his cups of shell on his way to the bathroom. This gave Charley hope that the man was finally done with his eight hour snack, but was disappointed when the man returned with four empty cups, and preceded to finish off the half eaten bag. It wasn’t until a few moments ago when they announced over the intercom that w would be landing shortly that the man finally handed off his cups to the flight attendant and proceeded to take a nap.

***

At the other end of the plane, Evelyn was wide awake and ready to go when the groggy pilot came over the speaker announcing their arrival to Shanghai. Her parents had paid extra so she could fly first class, and it was well worth it. She felt bad for her friends who were stuck in business class, though. She had been anticipating this trip for months, and it was off to a fantastic start. The flight attendant gave Evelyn two bottles of Jack Daniels each time she ordered a ginger ale. It must have been habit by the flight attendant, but Evelyn didn’t complain. As she received each bottle of liquor she would stash them in her back pack. Evelyn thinks that she has about twelve bottles total. When she had figured out that the flight attendant didn’t seem to be paying attention or caring, she began ordering more drinks to stock up. The only downside was the frequent visits to the restrooms, but first class restrooms were always empty. She had never drank before, but since this was her big vacation away from home, she thought maybe her and her friends could put these bottles to some good use once they get to their hotels.

Evelyn returned her seat to its upright position, like instructed, and peered out the glass window as the plane began to descend towards the earth. She could see hundreds of tiny cars lining the roads that appeared to be at a standstill, but it was too hard to tell from this far up. She watched as tall building came into view. One she recognized as the Pearl Tower and another that resembled a sword. She made a mental note to find out what building that was when they landed. Evelyn had always had a passion for architecture and had always dreamed to go visit all of the ancient building and landmarks, especially in China. No one knew of her Evelyn’s interest in architecture, and that’s because she wants it that way. Architecture is not for “cool” people, and she had an image to keep. When she elected to take drafting back during her freshman year at school, she played it off like they had forced her to take the class. This year when she elected to take Drafting II, she made a whole scene to convince people that the school was out to get her.

She peeled herself from the window and began cramming her Kindle, iPad, iTouch, a China Guide book, earphones, her laptop, digital camera, makeup bag, pocket translator, and a half eaten snickers bar into her bag and placed it under the seat in front of her. She knew she was about to have the time of her life.

***

By the time Charley exited the plane the rest of his fellow classmates were already out of sight, which would normally not bother him, but being in a foreign place alone was much worse than being called a few names. Luckily all the signs were in both English and Chinese, so he had no trouble finding his way to the baggage claim and the rest of the class all running around excitedly. No wonder Americans get a bad rap. Charley walked over to the far end of the conveyer belt trying to avoid all the people. Unfortunately, the side he chose was the side the luggage came in from, so Charley was crowded by Chinese men in business suits that smelled of smoke and must. Not many things annoy Charley, but people being impatient really rub him the wrong way.

No sooner than that thought left his head, Evelyn sprints past Charley and whacks him with her pull along carry on without even a look back. She shoves two Chinese men apart and grabs her large red suitcase covered with tags that read “Overweight”. But wait, there one more, this time even bigger. Amazingly she was able to cleverly - which surprised Charley greatly - attached all three luggage together like a train and pull them all at once. This time Charley made sure to stay out of her path as rejoined her friends.
No surprise to Charley, his luggage comes last. In addition to his backpack that he carried on with him, he brought along a large suitcase weighing exactly fifty pounds, and a smaller duffle bag that contained his folded leg braces. He cursed under his breath at his parents for making him bring them. But what was done was done, and he was too tired to fret over the little things. The rest of the group had already began to huddle with the chaperones, who were probably doing a head count.

His assumptions were right, and his stomach knotted as he approached. Calling his name usually resulted in a string of insults and laughter.

“Charley!” Mrs. Hewitt, a short plum lady dressed designer - knock off - clothes called.
“Wait! Do you mean Charley as in Charley Whitmore or Charley as in Charley Gump?” a girl says with an evil smirk. By the sounds of the screechy voice, it was one of Evelyn’s BFF’s, Summer.

There was an eruption of laughter and faces turning towards Charley. He could feel his face get red, but he tried to play it off.

“I’m here either way,” Charley spoke with a dry, shaky voice.

“Yeah, and the normal Charley is here too,” Charley Whitmore added, followed by another wave of giggle from the class.

“Forrest - I mean Charley Shares,” Mrs. Hewitt said trying to suppress her own laughter. “You will be on the first bus. Try to keep up this time.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Charley replied in a low voice.

It wasn’t a secret that the teachers of Rowling High School knew that Charley had been in leg braces, even though none of them had actually seen him in them. Word travels fast when a majority of the teachers had nothing better to do all day than watch and listen to kids insult each other like a TV drama.

Bruno Spatola
March 1st, 2013, 07:41 PM
That reads much, much better than it did before. It's still slightly rough, but not bad at all. Very readable -- I'd read it, anyway.

If you can make their relationship the right amount of bitter and sweet; introduce enough obstacles to overcome on the island; and describe their surroundings in a realistic way, you've got a story to be proud of.

Good luck, I'd like to see more.

WechtleinUns
March 4th, 2013, 04:20 AM
This looks promising. Very promising. I respect others who can write long stories, and I respect the organized way in which your are tackling this. Don't post all of it here though. This is a story that I might purchase from Amazon, if you know what I mean.