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View Full Version : Distinct Advantage - Novel Maybe - To be continued.



BrandonTheWriter
February 24th, 2013, 09:29 PM
I've just started this short story and I've grown to really like it so far, I'm thinking of making it in to a novel but wanted some feedback on it.

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Distinct Advantage

Me and John were always the first ones there, due to this we always got the best seats. I wasn't really excited for the movie, It just felt like I was doing something at least. That was my kind of attitude, I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do or accomplish in life I just felt like I was gliding across hoping that something would come to me or happen that would change everything. Of course, that never did happen. I'm not popular but I'm not a loner either, I'm just in the middle. I have a good group of friends, but I only hang out with half of them, the other half I kind of just hang out with them to fit in.

My best friend is John. I've known him since I was a little kid we used to live Next Door to each other. We hated each other at first and our Mother's constantly tried to make us play together but we'd both have none of it and it'd usually end in a fight, with me usually getting the upper-hand, John was never much of a good fighter. At least in my opinion. After a while we sort of just became friends. It's not something you plan really, it just sort of happened. We're not really similar, I like a lot of different things, for example he likes Rock and I like Pop, we usually argue over which is the best genre and no-one ever wins. It's the same with movies, he likes Comedy and I like Action. Of course, the movie we saw was Comedy. John always found a way to make me see his movie and it usually always sucked but he'd end up enjoying it for some reason.

It was quite late, the movie was over and John went back home on his bus whilst I waited for the next one. We didn't live near each other anymore so we didn't really meet up and hang out as much as we used too. I did used to be in a relationship with Emma but that kind of dried up, it never quite clicked. I found out she cheated on me and I literally became the joke of the school. She was one of the popular girls and you can imagine how that was. I constantly felt like I was fighting each day for her and I always felt like there was another guy looking at her, usually right in front of my face. John even did it, the prat. He wasn't quite lucky though, she was never interested in him and thought he was vile due to his vulgar language and obscene references, he learns most of them from all the Raunchy Comedy movies he watches. I'm not going to lie, my heart was broken when I found out she cheated. It wasn't a one off thing either, she'd been doing this behind my back for months and this guy practically rubbed it in my face every time I saw him and I never realized. I feel quite stupid because of that.

But, hey, it's all fun and games I guess. I've still got a lot of growing up to do and I'm sure there's someone much better out there for me. I never was that popular with the ladies, I always found myself as the outsider and when I eventually did find myself a girlfriend there always seemed to be someone there trying to break it up. I still to this day will never know how I managed to get with Emma, she was extremely popular but the obvious reason would be she used me and turned me in to a complete joke. I went from neutral to a joke. My most serious relationship was with Beth, I'll never ever forget her. She was my first ever girlfriend and I remember that rush I felt when she said yes to me. I never expected her to want to go out with me and it was a real shock. Whenever I saw her there was just this feeling I had and I remember I'd get intense butterflies before meeting her. No ever girl ever made me feel like that but her. We broke up due to long distance problems and many other factors that just contributed to it not working out. I'm still heartbroken by that but I guess you just have to move on and get on with it.

nickthird
February 27th, 2013, 08:40 PM
"Me and John ... seats" -> "John and I were always the fist to arrive [/ on the spot] thus..."
You can't use past tense here, because that would mean that in the present they don't arrive first by inference.

"I ... at least" -> "I didn't feel exitment, I just wanted to ..." ?
"kind of attitute" -> "usual attitude" / "attitude at the time"

"I wasn't ... " -> "I didn't know ..."
I don't care she is not sure, maybe that is just me.

"I was gliding ...." -> "I glided across, hoping..."
words like 'was' and 'is' disrupt reading, as they don't work the imagination.

--> too much grammar and structure issues to note, needs a rewrite.

"At least in my opinion" - redundant, I don't care for her opinion my interest needs to be earned by her doing / feeling interesing stuff I think.
Much like descriptions, opinions help the writer sometimes more than the reader (when overdone and before interest is created).

OK I'm stopping because personally I like puzzles / experimental stuff (not a must but otherwise it needs to be very good) and there are too many redundancy and grammar issues.