View Full Version : The search for Noah's Umbrella

February 21st, 2013, 04:13 PM
My initial investigations centred around an area of modern day Turkey, in particular a region in the East of that country Uratu. It was here, in this mountainous terrain, that an internationally funded expedition, uncovered the remains of a gigantic wooden structure that is widely believed to be the remains of ‘Tevet Noahk’ or Noahs Ark.

Two years ago, a satellite photograph revealed an anomaly 12,000ft above sea level in the surrounding mountains of Ararat, which lead a team of Archaeologists and Historians to centre their search in this area. The resulting find astounded the world as the initial tests revealed that the structure;
1. Was of the exact dimensions described in the Book of Genesis.
2. The material samples, taken and analyzed, were found to be Gopher wood, again as related in Genesis.
3. The structure is resting close to the peak in the mountains of Ararat, in modern day Turkey, exactly where Genesis said it would be.

This startling information added further impetus, and heart, to my forty year search (Self Financed) for the artifact which I believe, will offer definitive proof of the Biblical forty days and forty nights of rain that preceded the flood and its discovery and subsequent revelation to the world, will be the defining moment of modern Biblical archaeology since the Dead Sea Scrolls.

It is a widely held belief, although I believe erroneously, that the Chinese invented the first umbrella, lacquering and waxing paper parasols. But If my research proves fruitful, I believe the discovery and subsequent revelation of Noahs Umbrella will shock and amaze The Archaeological and Historical bodies that have for years purported this Chinese propaganda, as Scientific Fact.

I will shortly be returning to Turkey to continue my search and after several discussions I have had with Honest Abdul my local guide.( He is also the local agent for discounted and slightly used Rolex watches in Turkey)

I believe, since this latest discovery, that I am nearing the end of my quest and my dream is unfolding. As you can imagine, forty years of diligent research, in beaches bars and brothels from Ankara to Ephesus have proved an expensive and time consuming ordeal.

Therefore I have deemed it necessary to offer a share (think of film rights etc.) in this most important and glorious quest, to any serious parties, who may feel that a monetary investment which not only would assure the world of one of the greatest Discoveries of our time, but line our pockets as well. (A free Rolex with every investment over £50.)

my Bank details to follow.

February 21st, 2013, 06:08 PM
Funny stuff. There's some technical corrections needed. Capitalised 'biblical' (just an adjective, I think...?) One sentence near the end: "...and after several discussions with Abdulla..." Someone more knowledgable than I would know what that's an example of, the subject after the predicate or some-such-other, but it's um... bass-ackwards.

February 24th, 2013, 02:54 AM
@Ethan, I think that the concept is brilliant. It starts off on a serious note and slowly but surely gets ridiculous. If not for the abrupt ending, this could be expanded into a comedy story. Cheers

February 28th, 2013, 10:35 AM
Sir, I was most interested to read your article on Noah’sumbrella. I can contribute to your investigation by adding the following.

Three yearsago I completed a working model of my new windscreen wipers. The construction of which was undertaken under severe and impenetrable security. The next step was to the patent office to register this revolutionary breakthrough.

I should at this point explain that the windscreen-wiper consisted of a monkey grasping the radio aerial of the vehicle with its tail and leaning over the windscreen with a chamois leather (de-luxe version) and with rhythmical movements sweeping moisture from the windscreen, (three speeds available – sloth, lemur and macaque) and all available in colours to match your upholstery . Imagine my astonishment to discover that the method had already been patented (see below) by some geezer ancient fellow in Peru in the Nazca desert where it had never rained since you-know-when.


And here is where it gets really unbelievable, the name of the Patent holder is Seth, son of Noah. I smell conspiracy. Can you shed any further light on this?

Yours sincerely,
Prof: Qwerty

PS. I am returning the ROLECKS (sic) as the hour hand always points to Magnetic North.

February 28th, 2013, 11:17 AM
Hey Quertyman,
You could be onto something here ! certainly seems worth having a look at, What are the beaches like in Peru ? Any nightlife ? I have invariably found these to be best places to foster informative and intriguing exchanges. Hence the need for substantial funding. Depending on responses to my own quest, I may be in a position to accompany you on your interesting adventure. (Please let me know about the beaches and nightspots near Nasca!)

P.S. I think I have heard of you , is your first name Alan and have you ever been to King Solomon's mines?

March 1st, 2013, 05:09 PM
Did you find the letter they unicorns left saying theythought the ark was leaving at 6? Funny stuff.

March 1st, 2013, 06:32 PM
As it happens, I am planning a further expedition to the Nascar desert, funded by a grant from the Apple foundation to develop the I-Ping,which I have just patented. The press will be full of it shortly and so I wouldbe obliged if you would refrain from idle chatter.

The I-Ping is an I-Pad that can also be used as a table tennis bat! I know, I bet you didn't see that one coming and I bet you’re wondering how on earth did I fall upon that piece of ingenuity?’ Well, pure co-incidence. I was developing some cheese cultures to study the molecular structure of mould and I opened the window to refresh the room and a table tennis ball blew in off the street. I seizedthe moment by grabbing my I-Pad, executing a deft, backhand, top spin, smash into a stack of petrie dishes. It’s that simple, a moment of inspiration to change the way the world works.

I would be delighted if you were able to stomp up with some cash and join the expedition (please state areas of expertise). I understand that the Daytona 500 was last Tuesday. However, no bigee, Nascar returns to Vegas on March 8th.And I think the expedition should start from Caesar’s Palace and work eastward towards The Golden Nugget, (or King Solomon's Mines, wherever that is?)

This leaves us one scientist short of a convention, any takers?

March 1st, 2013, 09:13 PM
Aha! I know just the man for the job, Stephen Hawkins. He already has some wonderful ideas (if a little bit out there, if you know what I mean) about the origins of the Universe, ( He's prattling on about the big Bang and such) I doubt he even knows Fatima from the Blue oyster club in Ankara.
However, I have it on very good authority (His ex ) that he's is loaded and 'allegedly' a bit free with the mullah. He sounds like the right man for the job, (I have already canvassed him for my own endeavor but it might be worth dropping him a line, or a begging letter.)

Your Idea for the 'iping,' (while sound in concept) may experience problems with Samsung, who I believe are already in the Beta stages of this wonder. Might be worth having a word with Apple? anyway best of luck with your endeavors and Please keep an eye out for my Bank details which will be posted as soon as I can open an acc. with RBS. Should Noah's umbrella be discovered before this, I have another little secret which I am reluctant to divulge but.... it concerns pre-deluvian waterproof footwear (I'll say no more) until your cheque clears!

March 2nd, 2013, 11:08 AM
I’m not sure Hawkins is all he’s cracked up to be. He cancelled on my Russian Steppes expedition on the grounds that it wasn’t wheelchair accessible.

Erm… about your qualifications, apart from the naked star-jumps, which I must say would look very accomplished when performed on a blackjack table, do you have any other qualifications that might appeal to my sponsors.

A whisper in your ear, pre-deluvian galoshes are so yesterday and research grants are no longer available.

March 4th, 2013, 02:14 AM
Well, you are correct in that no expedition should be without an alan, although that quatermain fellow isn't the only mongoose in the cage. I have knocked around the globe a bit, have a smattering of useless but impressive knowledge, a stout heart in a tight spot, and occasionally manifest a sensitivity to psychic impressions.

Good seed, Ethan. I would like to see it grow. Unless, of course, this is just a test script for your latest Nigerian email endeavor.

March 4th, 2013, 10:53 AM
hey Alanmt,

Do you know any Nigerians who are computer literate and would be interested in working from home? (although they may have to be a bit light on their feet once we start if you get my drift!) I was delighted to read that you have immense psychic capabilities, we could be onto a real winner here! Some psychic's are making an absolute fortune using their gifts to 'HELP' their fellow man, whilst charging only expenses. (Consider this, if we were based in Hawaii for example, the travel expenses alone could fund several search expeditions I have been considering ( The finger of Fate, William Tell's apple tree, Cleopatra's Daddy 'Her Mummy has already been found' etc.) full details on receipt of your cheque):pen: