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Fei
February 21st, 2013, 03:32 PM
Today was not his day.

Sitting at the beaten up table, downing drinks, he scanned the growing crowd with hooded eyes. He had briefly toyed with the idea of flirting- for all of two seconds. The women here were simply not his type, if he had to be polite. They were either too drunk or too obvious, sometimes both.

Just then a brunette walked in, scanning the crowd just as he'd done. She'd definitely been a looker but it was her outfit that had caught his attention. She'd worn cargo pants and a soiled yellow t-shirt at least twice her size, cinched to her tiny waist by a hideous green belt- at least he thought it was a belt.

A second later he decided he had bigger problems to worry about. At the rear end of the pub, he'd just sighted the two mafia assassins that had been after him for months. They were in their usual black get up with dark wrap around shades. He'd been able to shake them for a few weeks but obviously his luck had run out. Stealing from an Italian drug lord apparently had its consequences, it was payday.

Or not.

He could still get out, he just had to be smart about it because they sure as hell wouldn't let him slip through their fingers twice. So he'd stepped on the wrong man's toes, his bad. Still, payback was a bitch he didn't want to meet. He'd never been a fan of getting murdered- or in this case, butchered.

He began to plan his escape, immediately eliminating the front entrance. He was sure it would've been blocked, going that way would be suicide. The good news was, they hadn't spotted him. The bad news was he'd be dead when they did. He needed to come up with something and fast, maybe a distraction- a big one.

He glanced at the bar and wasn't surprised that he had no problem spotting her. He thought she'd do quite nicely. These days people did anything for a the right price. Besides, she looked like she could use the extra crash.

The problem was, she could be one of them. There hadn't been a significant time difference between her and the assassins' arrival but his instincts told him to go for it. He had good instincts, mostly.

Carefully looking around him, he slid out from behind the table. For once, he cursed his impressive height which obviously made it harder for him to conceal his presence. Hunching his shoulders without looking too suspicious he slowly made his way to the bar while blocking several unwanted advances. The last thing he needed was another complication and they were just that.

When he'd gotten close enough to her that he could smell her hair he paused. He'd only now just seen the slight bulge her monstrous clothing had concealed from plain view.

He leaned in closer. Her head snapped up to meet his piercing gaze. Emerald blue eyes met jade green. The reaction was catatonic.

Then she smiled. It took his breath away. Literally.

From the corner of his eyes, he'd glimpsed her slender fingers gripping the barrel of a gun. He had a feeling it was pointed right at him.

Today was not his day.

dolphinlee
February 21st, 2013, 09:13 PM
Fei, I like this little piece. It starts well by setting up the story, flows well in the middle and builds up well to the end. Well done!

There are a few places you might like to have another think about.

Just then a brunette walked in, scanning the crowd just as he'd done. She'ddefinitely been a looker but it was her outfit that had caught his attention. She'd worn cargo pants and a soiled yellow t-shirt at least twice her size, cinchedto her tiny waist by a hideous green belt- at least he thought it was a belt. Small problem with tenses in this paragraph.

A second later he decided he had bigger problems to worry about. (What were the lesser problems that you imply he was worrying about) At the rear end of the pub, he'd just sighted thetwo mafia assassins that had been after him for months. Is the word ‘end’ needed?


They were in their usual black get up with dark wrap around shades.
Using the words ‘get up’ feels sloppy when you have been detailed in other descriptions.

He'd never been a fan of getting murdered-or in this case, butchered.
This sentence is to me just a filler that could be removed.

He began to plan his escape, immediately eliminating the front entrance. He wassure it would've been blocked, going that way would be suicide. The good news was, they hadn't spotted him. The bad news was he'd be dead when they did. He needed to come up with something and fast, maybe a distraction- a big one. I like this paragraph.It is tight and balanced.

He glanced at the bar and wasn't surprised that he had no problem spotting her (again?) . He thought she'd do quite nicely. These days people did anything for a the (?) right price. Besides,she looked like she could use the extra crash.

The problem was, she could be one of them. There hadn't been a significant time difference between her and the assassins' arrival but his instincts told him togo for it. He had good instincts, mostly. (As you are building tension the word mostly is out of place because it reduces tension.)

Carefully looking around him, he slid out from behind the table. For once, hecursed his impressive height which obviously made it harder for him to concealhis presence. Hunching his shoulders without looking too suspicious he slowlymade his way to the bar while blocking several unwanted advances. (from whom?) The last thing he needed was another complication and they were just that.

When he'd gotten close enough to her that he could smell her hair he paused. He'd only now just seen the slight bulge her monstrous clothing had concealed from plain view. The words in bold could be tightened up.

He leaned in closer. Her head snapped up to meet his piercing gaze. Emeraldblue eyes met jade green. The reaction was catatonic. (To me catatonic means that someone eitherwent totally rigid or totally limp. It’s one of those words that can signify either, so I do not know what you want me to get from the word.)

Fei
February 22nd, 2013, 11:33 AM
Fei, I like this little piece. It starts well by setting up the story, flows well in the middle and builds up well to the end. Well done!

There are a few places you might like to have another think about.

Just then a brunette walked in, scanning the crowd just as he'd done. She'd definitely been a looker but it was her outfit that had caught his attention. She'd worn cargo pants and a soiled yellow t-shirt at least twice her size, cinchedto her tiny waist by a hideous green belt- at least he thought it was a belt. Small problem with tenses in this paragraph.

A second later he decided he had bigger problems to worry about. (What were the lesser problems that you imply he was worrying about) At the rear end of the pub, he'd just sighted thetwo mafia assassins that had been after him for months. Is the word ‘end’ needed?


They were in their usual black get up with dark wrap around shades.
Using the words ‘get up’ feels sloppy when you have been detailed in other descriptions.

He'd never been a fan of getting murdered-or in this case, butchered.
This sentence is to me just a filler that could be removed.

He began to plan his escape, immediately eliminating the front entrance. He wassure it would've been blocked, going that way would be suicide. The good news was, they hadn't spotted him. The bad news was he'd be dead when they did. He needed to come up with something and fast, maybe a distraction- a big one. I like this paragraph.It is tight and balanced.

He glanced at the bar and wasn't surprised that he had no problem spotting her (again?) . He thought she'd do quite nicely. These days people did anything for a the (?) right price. Besides,she looked like she could use the extra crash.

The problem was, she could be one of them. There hadn't been a significant time difference between her and the assassins' arrival but his instincts told him togo for it. He had good instincts, mostly. (As you are building tension the word mostly is out of place because it reduces tension.)

Carefully looking around him, he slid out from behind the table. For once, hecursed his impressive height which obviously made it harder for him to concealhis presence. Hunching his shoulders without looking too suspicious he slowlymade his way to the bar while blocking several unwanted advances. (from whom?) The last thing he needed was another complication and they were just that.

When he'd gotten close enough to her that he could smell her hair he paused. He'd only now just seen the slight bulge her monstrous clothing had concealed from plain view. The words in bold could be tightened up.

He leaned in closer. Her head snapped up to meet his piercing gaze. Emeraldblue eyes met jade green. The reaction was catatonic. (To me catatonic means that someone eitherwent totally rigid or totally limp. It’s one of those words that can signify either, so I do not know what you want me to get from the word.)

Thanks for reading! All corrections are noted.

dolphinlee
February 23rd, 2013, 12:03 PM
Hi,

If you make some changes to your story then you can add the new version to the top of your original post. That way anyone else who looks at it will see the newer version.

Fei
April 13th, 2013, 12:07 PM
ok thanks, dolphinlee!

Belderan
April 13th, 2013, 02:43 PM
I liked this and want to read what happens next so you got my attention (for what its worth :-) )

Fei
April 13th, 2013, 07:38 PM
I liked this and want to read what happens next so you got my attention (for what its worth :-) )

thanks Belderan

lowprofile300
April 14th, 2013, 03:20 AM
@ Fei, I think Dolphinlee did most of the corrections and suggestions. Your story captured my attention all the way to the end, I just wish there was more- like, so did she kill him? Did he somehow find a way out of the situation? I guess we will have to stay tuned, huh?:)

Fei
April 14th, 2013, 03:41 PM
Yup ;) thanks for reading, low