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Spiderrider89
February 14th, 2013, 08:40 AM
First story on here, any criticism helps!

"It's difficult to understand how life works Mindy. Sometimes decisions can seem very simple, but other times impossible. It's all just a matter of mindset, motivation, and preparation." said the grey headed man to his black haired granddaughter. Six year old Mindy's little green eyes, examined her grandpa's face, wondering why everyone had been so sad and visiting him so much lately. "Grandpa, will you go outside and play with me?" she said as she gripped her doll. "I would love to, but I can't leave this bed dear. Also,-" he was cut short by a tall, thin blonde headed woman's heels clicking as she entered the room. "Mindy dear, leave your grandfather alone. He needs to rest". The old man couldn't make out the woman's face because of his aged eyes, but knew her by her voice. "Mindy's not bothering me Sarah, I'm enjoying her company,".

"Dad, you're exhausted. You need to go to sleep!.... Honestly, I think this whole situation is insane- let us heal you!" she said placing her hands on her hips. Mindy pulls out a band-aid from her pocket, and places it on her grandpa's arm "all better grandpa!" He smiles but Sarah's face wasn't happy, and she walks over and kneels down in front of Mindy, who is now facing her mother's blue eyes. "Sweetie, why don't you go play with your brother." Mindy gripped her doll tight, "But brother is mean, and I want to help grandpa!" she said, looking away to avoid eye contact and puffs her little red cheeks in frustration. "GO!" said Sarah, and points towards the door. Mindy turns and hugs her grandfathers arm, and then runs out of the room.

"Why are you mean to her Sarah-bear?" said the old man as his grey, useless eyes searched for a silhouette of his daughter. "Dad, I'm well into my years. Please, do-not call me that anymore, it's degrading." said Sarah as she pulled the band-aid off of his arm. "Please, let us take you to the healer!" she continued as she placed a hand on his head, to check his temperature. "I'm sorry dear, but you know I don't want that," said the old man, as he closed his eyes. "It's not always about what you want, you have a family that needs you," said Sarah in a motherly and stern tone. "I have lived for well over five-hundred years. I have seen things and experienced more than a person should. It's my time dear, plus Chris is tired of waiting for me on the other side. He wants to pass through the gates of Bliss together, and you know how long he has been waiting."

"Dad, you can talk to Chris when-ever you want! His spirit is still in the Occulim of Light, which you can travel to when ever you want too." Said Sarah, still in a stern tone. "That's not the point!" he said, quickly and coughing and covering his mouth. Once he finished he removed his hand, and blood covered it. "You can make all of this go away, and stay here with us for-ever!" she said, but his face was now annoyed. "Please leave dear, but before you go know this. Just because we can heal ourselves, when-ever we want- that doesn't mean we should. Everything that is born must die, otherwise the world would be over-run!" Sarah tried to interject but the old man continued. "You are my daughter, and never once did we let the fact you where adopted interfere with you inheriting my power once I die. However, once you take in my power- you will also be passing it on to your children Mindy and Jake, because they are of blood realation to you. You know well the balancing act it takes to remain alive, considering you are in your two-hundreds and look like you're twenty-six. Just remember things change now, so remain as pure as you are now" the old man then took a deep breath, and said "go now, the doctor will bring you the flower of the Occulim. I love you all, but my time is near, and Chris is already excited- I can't back out now." He fell silent and laid still, only breathing faintly.

Mindy was in the hall of the medical building with her brother Jake. She was crying because he was older and had taken her doll. "Give it back, or I'm telling" she said in-between sobs. "Like she's going to believe you over me" Said the blond haired boy, who was about to turn eight and was much taller than Mindy. The sound of clicking sounded down the hall, and the boy dropped the doll and quickly sat down - as though he had been a good child. "Mommy!" said little Mindy as she ran and hugged her mother's leg, but when Mindy looked up- she forgot about her problems, because it was clear her mother had been crying. "Why are you crying mommy?" she said, Sarah wiped her eyes and looked down at her daughter "I could ask you the same question." Mindy had never seen her mother cry, and at her young age knew something was wrong. "Nothing mommy, I was just sad" Jake smiled to himself because he knew that Mindy decided not to tattle. "Mom, when can we go, I'm tired of being here." said Jake as he stood. "Jake we will leave when I say it's time, so sit back down- or I will call your father." Sarah then looks to Mindy "why are you sad honey?" Mindy smiles and said "it was because I missed you, but now you're here I'm happy" Sarah tears up again but this time, she kneels down to hug Mindy closely so she can't see her face "I love you dear, you're just like your father."

Medical staff run past the trio in the hall, in the direction Sarah had just came. She stood up and she and Mindy held hands silently watching the staff enter the old man's room. "what's happening Mommy?" but Mindy received no response from her mother, and Jake had even walked and stood next to Mindy but still looked bored. Sarah knew what was happening, but couldn't bring herself to tell Mindy or Jake, so she just stood quietly- knowing her father had passed. Wilson R. Floyd the five-hundered year old White Flame of the Occulim had died. Sarah's knees became weak, and she started to feel sick. She felt the room spinning as though she would fall, in her mind all she could see was her father's young smiling face. Mindy and Jake notice their mother stumble and start to faint but when she started to fall Mindy tried to catch her mother and Jake stepped back scared. Sarah's full body weight fell directly on little Mindy, and caused a large cracking sound..... they both lay silently on the ground, Sarah on top of Mindy and Jake stood there motionless.

If anyone wants to hear more, just comment.

RJA
February 14th, 2013, 09:07 AM
First story on here, any criticism helps!

"It's difficult to understand how life works Mindy. Sometimes decisions can seem very simple(comma) but other times impossible. It's all just a matter of mindset, motivation, and preparation." said a grey headed man to his black haired granddaughter, on his death bed(This part a bit wordy.). Six year old Mindy's little green eyes,(no need for this comma) examined her grandpa's face, wondering why everyone had been so sad and visiting him so much lately. "Grandpa, will you go outside and play with me?" she said as she gripped her doll. "I would love to, but I can't leave this-" he was cut short by a tall, thin blonde headed woman's heels clicking as she entered the room. "Mindy dear, leave your grandfather alone. He needs to rest". The old man couldn't make out the woman's face because of his aged eyes, but knew her by her voice. "Mindy's not bothering me Sarah, I'm enjoying her company(comma)" he said laying back in his bed. (I would end the paragraph without this portion. Since he is laying in his death bed I don't think he needs to lay back in his bed. :P )

"Dad, you're exhausted. You need to go to sleep! Honestly, I think this whole situation is insane- let us heal you!" she said placing her hands on her hips. Mindy pulls out a band-aid from her pocket, and placed it on her grandpa's arm "all better grandpa!"(That was very cute. I 'aw'd'. You changed tenses though. should be "and places it".) He smiles but Sarah's face wasn't very(Personal opinion: I'd take out the 'very'.) happy, and she walks over and kneels down in front of Mindy(comma) who is now facing her mother(apostrophe)s blue eyes. "Sweetie, why don't you go play with your brother." Mindy gripped her doll tight(comma) "but(capitalize but) brother is mean, and I want to help grandpa!" she said(comma) looking away to avoid eye contact and puffs her little red cheeks in frustration. "GO!" said Sarah, and points towards the door. Mindy turns and hugs her grandfathers arm, and then runs out of the room.

"Why are you mean to her Sarah-bear?" said the old man in the bed, as his grey, useless eyes searched for a silhouette of his daughter.(I think you're being overly descriptive here. No need to mention the bed. Just my opinion though!) "Dad, I'm well into my years. Please, do-not call me that anymore, it's degrading." said Sarah as she pulled the band-aid off of his arm. "Please, let us take you to the healer!" she continued as she placed a hand on his head, to check his tempeture.(Spelling: Temperature) "I'm sorry dear, but you know I don't want that(comma)" said the old man, laying back down and closing his eyes(When did he stop laying down? Again, I think you're being overly descriptive.). "It's not always about what you want, you have a family that needs you(comma)" said Sarah in a motherly and stern tone. "I have lived for well over five-hundred years. I have seen things and experienced more than a person should. It's my time dear, plus Chris is tired of waiting for me on the other side. He wants to pass through the gates of Bliss, and you know how lonely I have been since he passed.

"Dad, you can talk to Chris when-ever you want! His spirit is still in the Occulim of Light, which you can travel to when ever you want too(No need for this "too" it would be "to" and you already covered that with the earlier one)." Said Sarah, still in a stern tone. "That's not the point!" he said, quickly and coughing and covering his mouth. Once he finished he removed his hand, and blood covered it. "You can make all of this go away, and stay here with us for-ever!" she said, but his face was now annoyed. "Please leave dear, but before you go know this. Just because we can heal ourselves, when-ever we want- that doesn't mean we should. Everything that is born must die, otherwise the world would be over-run!" Sarah tried to interject but the old man continued. "You are my daughter, and never once did we let the fact you where adopted interfere with you inhearing(Spelling: inheriting) my power once I die. However, once you take in my power- you will also be passing it on to your children, including Mindy and Jake. You know well the balancing act it takes to remain alive, considering you are in your two-hundreds and look like you're twenty-six. Just remember things change now, so remain as pure as you are now" the old man then took a deep breath, and said "go now, the doctor will bring you the flower of the Occulim. I love you all, but my time is near, and Chris is already excited- I can't back out now." He fell silent and laid still, only breathing faintly.

Mindy was in the hall of the medical building with her brother Jake. She was crying because he was older and had taken her doll. "Give it back, or I'm telling" she said in-between sobs. "Like she's going to believe you over me" Said the blond haired boy, who was about to turn eight and was much taller than Mindy. The sound of clicking sounded down the hall, and the boy dropped the doll and quickly sat down and sat down- as though he had been a good child. "Mommy!" said little Mindy as she ran and hugged her mother's leg, but when Mindy looked up- she forgot about her problems, because it was clear her mother had been crying. "Why are you crying mommy?" she said, Sarah wiped her eyes and looked down at her daughter "I could ask you the same question." Mindy had never seen her mother cry, and at her young age knew something was wrong. "Nothing mommy, I was just sad" Jake smiled to himself because he knew that Mindy decided not to tattle. "Mom, when can we go, I'm tired of being here." said Jake as he stood. "Jake we will leave when I say it's time, so sit back down- or I will call your father." Sarah then looks to Mindy "why are you sad honey?" Mindy smiles and said "it was because I missed you, but now you're here I'm happy" Sarah tears up again but she hugs Mindy closely so she can't see "I love you dear, you're just like your father."

Medical staff run past the trio in the hall, in the direction Sarah had just came. She stood up and she and Mindy held hands silently watching the staff enter the old man's room. "what's happening Mommy?" but Mindy received no response from her mother, and Jake had even walked and stood next to Mindy but still looked bored. Sarah knew what was happening, but couldn't bright herself to tell Mindy or Jake, so she just stood quietly- knowing her father had passed. Wilson R. Floyd the five-hundered(Spelling: hundred) year old White Flame of the Occulim had died. Sarah's knees got weak, and she started to feel as though she would fall. Mindy and Jake notice their mother stumble and start to faint but when she started to fall Mindy tried to catch her mother and Jake stepped back scared. Sarah's full body weight fell directly on little Mindy, and caused a large cracking sound..... they both lay silently on the ground, Sarah on top of Mindy and Jake stood there motionless.

If anyone wants to hear more, just comment.


I think you do an excellent job with dialogue. On the whole, it got the reaction out of me I think you were going for. Almost without fail. But I think you bog yourself down by overdoing the description. You also have a few spelling mistakes mixed in here and there (which I've marked down). Also, I got a bit lost with the situation of the ages. Why, if she's adopted, is she getting his power? And if she's over 200 years old, doesn't she already have the power? Why, when she gets the power, will it pass on to HER children?

There's a lot to take in here and it came kind of out of nowhere. When he mentioned being 500 it pulled me way out of the story for a minute because not only wasn't I expecting it, but his granddaughter is so young! I don't believe this would be a very difficult thing to fix, though I'm not sure how to do it. Maybe something of a prologue that explains who these people are? I really do think you have quite a bit of talent, if you just cut out some of the unnecessary fluff and eased the reader into the situation with the 500 years or just found a way to explain what was happening. Maybe I'm entirely alone on this. Anyways, this definitely has potential, if it didn't there's no way I'd have read it all the way through.

I hope this helps and if I can clarify anything (I'm fairly tired) please ask and I'd be happy to!

Spiderrider89
February 14th, 2013, 10:31 AM
I think you do an excellent job with dialogue. On the whole, it got the reaction out of me I think you were going for. Almost without fail. But I think you bog yourself down by overdoing the description. You also have a few spelling mistakes mixed in here and there (which I've marked down). Also, I got a bit lost with the situation of the ages. Why, if she's adopted, is she getting his power? And if she's over 200 years old, doesn't she already have the power? Why, when she gets the power, will it pass on to HER children?

There's a lot to take in here and it came kind of out of nowhere. When he mentioned being 500 it pulled me way out of the story for a minute because not only wasn't I expecting it, but his granddaughter is so young! I don't believe this would be a very difficult thing to fix, though I'm not sure how to do it. Maybe something of a prologue that explains who these people are? I really do think you have quite a bit of talent, if you just cut out some of the unnecessary fluff and eased the reader into the situation with the 500 years or just found a way to explain what was happening. Maybe I'm entirely alone on this. Anyways, this definitely has potential, if it didn't there's no way I'd have read it all the way through.

I hope this helps and if I can clarify anything (I'm fairly tired) please ask and I'd be happy to!

I will go back and fix all of the errors you have posted. I'm at work and I had to take care of a few things so I rushed through the chapter. I really do need to work on my description, and easing people into the concepts of my stories lol. I want to build an image of what I see, but it's easy for me to overdo it. I was leaving questions to give the reader a reason to read on, but I can see how that makes the story harder to understand. I'm sorry about my grammar, it's pretty bad lol.

The power transfers through the blood of any descendant of the owner of the Occulim flower. Wilson Floyd's power allows him to keep his adopted daughter young, or anyone he chooses for that matter. Wilson can travel into the "positive" spirit world with his powers. Once inside the Occulim he can bring back it's special water and give it to anyone living. The Occulim water reverses age and heals anyone to perfect health. The flower merges with the new owners body, leaving behind a symbol "tattoo". The only way to remove the flower is to cut off the tattoo "skin" and it will revert back to the flower.

Wilson was gay, so he didn't have any biological children. Therefore, he was the only one with the power. Once two-hundred year old Sarah merges with the flower any children she currently has or will have, also gain a lesser variant of her powers. If Sarah went to her grave with the flower, all of her descendants would have a lesser version of the power until someone digs up her grave and cuts the tattoo out of her skin. The situation with Wilson is just a side story to my actual book, Grimmor History Lessons- which I plan on finishing once I improve my writing skills. lol

Also, thank you very much!

Olly Buckle
February 14th, 2013, 02:14 PM
Describing people in terms of their purely physical qualities such as blonde or tall tends to make the descriptions a bit 'sameish', drop in the occasional word like 'urgent' or 'austere'

It's difficult to understand how life works MindyA comma before Mindy, or it is life working Mindy.


I'm at work and I had to take care of a few things so I rushed through the chapter. RJA has done a good job on pointing out the errors, though I did spot a couple of others when I was reading through, but really it is worth checking through a couple of times and editing those you can find before you post. I can understand the eagerness to share what you have just created, but the readers will get more from it and you are saving willing helpers unnecessary work, you owe it both to yourself and them.

Spiderrider89
February 14th, 2013, 03:22 PM
Describing people in terms of their purely physical qualities such as blonde or tall tends to make the descriptions a bit 'sameish', drop in the occasional word like 'urgent' or 'austere'
A comma before Mindy, or it is life working Mindy.
RJA has done a good job on pointing out the errors, though I did spot a couple of others when I was reading through, but really it is worth checking through a couple of times and editing those you can find before you post. I can understand the eagerness to share what you have just created, but the readers will get more from it and you are saving willing helpers unnecessary work, you owe it both to yourself and them.

Thanks for your review! I'm not currently in school but will be going back soon, and I plan on attending writing classes and workshops. I will take more time before I post my next story!

Olly Buckle
February 14th, 2013, 03:48 PM
I found going back to learning as an older person a whole different experience, it is much more like you are in the position of an employer taking on an employee for their specialised knowledge. Plus, of course, you are there because you want to be and have some idea what you want from it. Good on you and good luck, I hope it is enjoyable.

ash
February 14th, 2013, 05:24 PM
I enjoyed the story overall and I'm with RJA and Olly Buckle in their critique. One thing I'll add is to make sure you create a new paragraph when someone speaks. For example, here is how I read this sentence the first time. I'll mark it in two colors so I can show you how separated it looked to me.


"Grandpa, will you go outside and play with me?" she said as she gripped her doll. "I would love to,but I can't leave this bed dear. Also,-" he was cut short by a tall, thin blonde headed woman's heels clicking as she entered the room.

I thought she was going to continue on with "I would love to go to the playground and swing" or something along those lines. It wasn't until I got the text that I marked in blue, that I realized it was someone else talking. If I wasn't critiquing this, it would have made me stop reading, just because it confused me. Even if the bulk of the writing is good, once it gets too confusing, people tend to just quit, especially if they are just looking to curl up in bed and read a good book.

Luckily this is easy to correct.


"Grandpa, will you go outside and play with me?" she said as she gripped her doll.
"I would love to, but I can't leave this bed dear. Also,-" he was cut short by a tall, thin blonde headed woman's heels clicking as she entered the room.

One last thing to follow up on what Olly said:


Describing people in terms of their purely physical qualities such as blonde or tall tends to make the descriptions a bit 'sameish', drop in the occasional word like 'urgent' or 'austere'

If your characters are important, describe them to us instead of telling us what they look like. Does that make sense? So instead of saying, "blond headed woman", use some other senses to spice it up. You mentioned that the clicking of her heels interrupted the old man. That must have been some loud clicking, so maybe elaborate on the type of heels. Shoes can say a lot about a person. Also, was this woman pretty? Ugly? Average? Does she have any vices or distinguishing features? Give her, and the little girl and old man, something that will make us remember them. Obviously don't get crazy, or your short story will become a book in no time (unless that's what you want :tongue2:). Just keep this limited to characters that are important or need to be remembered.

Sorry this was a lot longer than I planed, and I hope it helps. I would like to read more, so keep up the good work!

Spiderrider89
February 15th, 2013, 05:39 AM
I enjoyed the story overall and I'm with RJA and Olly Buckle in their critique. One thing I'll add is to make sure you create a new paragraph when someone speaks. For example, here is how I read this sentence the first time. I'll mark it in two colors so I can show you how separated it looked to me.


I thought she was going to continue on with "I would love to go to the playground and swing"or something along those lines. It wasn't until I got the text that I marked in blue, that I realized it was someone else talking. If I wasn't critiquing this, it would have made me stop reading, just because it confused me. Even if the bulk of the writing is good, once it gets too confusing, people tend to just quit, especially if they are just looking to curl up in bed and read a good book.

Luckily this is easy to correct.



One last thing to follow up on what Olly said:



If your characters are important, describe them to us instead of telling us what they look like. Does that make sense? So instead of saying, "blond headed woman", use some other senses to spice it up. You mentioned that the clicking of her heels interrupted the old man. That must have been some loud clicking, so maybe elaborate on the type of heels. Shoes can say a lot about a person. Also, was this woman pretty? Ugly? Average? Does she have any vices or distinguishing features? Give her, and the little girl and old man, something that will make us remember them. Obviously don't get crazy, or your short story will become a book in no time (unless that's what you want :tongue2:). Just keep this limited to characters that are important or need to be remembered.

Sorry this was a lot longer than I planed, and I hope it helps. I would like to read more, so keep up the good work!

Thanks for your advice! I will be using what I have learned in my next story.

Scintillescent
February 17th, 2013, 11:42 PM
Hi.

I just wanted to say, I really enjoyed this story.

Sorry, no critcism, though I agreed with the other posters, you could have used other senses then using blond headed woman. But other then that it is an almost perfect story!

And it could have been longer, then again it is a short story, lol, sorry I just wished it was a bit longer.

I wished you luck on all your future stories!