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View Full Version : cameron flay chapter 2 (edited, profuse swearing, enjoy)



rave
February 4th, 2013, 08:55 PM
chapter two, editing still isnt perfect but i hope its readable let me know what you think
2


The place had barely changed since I left a few years ago still kind of dingy but it didn't have the clouds of cigarette and other smoke it used to so I guess even the magikal society has to bend to the health code eventually. Fucking government.


Toru an old Japanese guy still stood behind the bar and the smell of yakitori and grilling collar wafted from the kitchen. I nodded to toru and signaled him over it took him a minute but he recognized me and it seemed like he was the only one so far. Worked for me I wasn't trying to meet everyone in the know tonight didn't need the stress of my being back making a splash. I ordered a saporro and a skewer of chicken with extra tare and sat and watched a muted soccer game mindlessly for awhile, I never understood why the rest of the world was obsessed with this game it was boring as hell it had been forty minutes of not scoring and dudes in headbands running in short shorts so I drank more saporro hoping it would make more sense. It didn't. So I just sat around waiting, the magi had told me to meet with someone here but that they would approach me but it had been awhile, I sighed and debated ordering another beer or leaving.


The waitress came to check on me for the first time since id walked in almost an hour ago, got to love good service, and I was shocked by the women who was standing there in the open kimono over jeans and a T-shirt.


“Yuki, you still live here?” I said with a half smile i hadn’t seen or talked to her in years. Yuki was a tall girl probably 5’10, half Japanese and half Italian, pretty and still looked like she ran cross country. It blew my mind to see her here, I hadn’t seen her since the day after everything went to hell which was the day before id left originally intending it to be for good.


“Cameron Flay?” she said incredulous, I couldn't blame her it had been about five years since id seen her face and she looked all grown up as different to me as i probably was to her now. She had a scar on her right cheek now that was definitely bad ass.


“Haven't seen you in a while you work here now I expected something else from you?”


“Its not my only job Cam.”

“Excuse me Im sorry, when are you off work ill buy us dinner to apologize.” I told her thinking that noodles sounded like a good idea in my near future.


“Im off in about an hour... stay until than?” I figured that would give me time to wait for someone from the magi or at the least it got me good company for dinner.


“Definitely, talk more than.” So I sat and watched more god damn soccer while an old friend schlepped dishes and food to drunk men and women who could bend the forces of the universe to their will when they so chose. Life's weird like that sometimes.


An hour later Yuki and I walk out of the bar, Id never found my magi contact or they hadn’t found me but i didn’t care Yuki deserved a bit of face time after everything so we walked to pho 88 the best place for pho within at least a hundred miles and after five years and even having been to vietnam i was still excited for some of their noodles.


Yuki pulled out a long black cigarette and motioned to me for a lighter, i handed it to her and readied a camel to my lips.


“I didn’t know cigarettes came in black now yook, very classy.” she had never been to fond of that nickname. She lit her cancer stick, handed me my lighter back and her smoke smelled like vanilla and cloves, pretty nice actually even though I would probably never say it out loud.


“There’s probably quite a few things you don’t know to much about any more Cam, where the hell did you disappear to?”


I took a second while I lit my camel and we walked for a few more beats “Oh just about everywhere i guess from here i went up the east coast New York was nice definitely better than Boston in my opinion, hid out in Maine and Canada for a while, caught a boat to England and the British isles than saw Europe, lost about 6 weeks in Amsterdam, wandered through Europe until i got the Mediterranean and than northern Africa to the middle east, India to china to Korea to Japan got to stop out west on my way back here from there California and Arizona were nice.” I said casually, not many people get to see as much as i have by twenty three in their entire lives.


“Wow i knew about some of those from the blank postcards but... Wow thats incredible was it fun?”


“I guess so the whole running and hiding from the magi for most of five years kind of put a damper on things though. Hows life been treating you.” I slipped in trying to change the subject because it wasn't wise to talk negatively about the magi and I wanted to know.


“I’ve been good i finished high school, going to school at UCF for business, studying magik still working with the magi.” we just walked and smoked for a minute, me knowing that as little as a month ago she might of had to kill me, her maybe not knowing that she didn't have to anymore. we got to the restaurant and sat down we both knew what to get with out looking at the menu i got a forty one a thirty nine for Yuki and we both got 33 beers because thats what you drink with pho.


“So why the hell are you back?” she asked me it had been writen all over her face that shed been dying to know since she saw me back at nomu.


“The magi and I have come to an understanding, the world is getting crazier and crazier day by day and they don’t have enough enforcers Im the new designated one for Orlando.”
Yuki’s jaw dropped, when id hit the ground running around 5 years ago the magi wanted me dead but now I was one of their swords in the dark designated to keep man kind safe with my power from creatures of darkness yada yada yada. The enforcers scared the shit out of most mages we were the ones with enough raw magical power to level city blocks, go toe to toe with vampires, lycans, chupacabras, elementals, pagan gods etc. the enforcers were bad asses with a license to do what they thought were necessary only subject to the council if they committed miss deeds, most of which were over looked. If enforcer sounded an awful lot like organized crime it was because they got the term from us you wouldnt believe how many criminals had magik of some level and knowledge about the grander state of things.


She muttered something and suddenly everyone in the restaurant was looking at their phones or out the window or eating with unbelievable focus, a variation of my disinterest charm and she pulled a mini uzi out from within herself and leveled it at me. quick note on pulling a weapon or object from within your self like that, back in the forties when a lot of ground breaking physics was going on we discovered that things are made up of mostly empty space, leave it to some ingenious mage (more of those around than i like) and he figured out how to fill some of that empty space with anything as long as its molecules could fit and you could will it in and out of you however even when you weren't holding it in its actual form its mass was added to your own. Back to the girl with the gun.


“How the hell did that happen we have history cam and I don’t want to kill you but thats a hell of an idea that your on our side now.”`


“Actually i was in japan and helped an Osaka enforcer out with a Shinto spirit on a rampage and she put a good word for me to the board. Your sister says hi by the way mom to.” i say to her as a waiter drops off noodles not even looking at us or the gun in her hand. I broke open my chopsticks added soy, fish sauce, lime, sriracha, hoison and the home made chili sauce to my noodles stirred it up and took a mouthful of noodles slurping happily with what i was coming to realize was a very pretty women looking down a gun at me.


“If it proves anything to you Houdini gave me one of his stickers to catch the Sophia earlier today.” i said.


She looked surprised at that but nodded I knew Houdini was alive and kicking it as one of the most powerful men in the world on the board of the magi which only mages in the circle would know which i guess i now was.


“I was recruited as an enforcer last year things are acting up everywhere apparently their grabbing every mage with destructive force they can to them,” she said letting the uzi melt back up her arm and doctored up her own noodles and started slurping down, we sat and ate and let everything settle in for a few minutes. i wasn't a wanted man and Yuki was a full fledged monster killer, things had changed since high school and learning magik and smokeing weed hanging out and partying as kids. Then I realized she was the contact i was supposed to meet at nomu.


“You were supposed to meet me at the bar werent you.” I asked her even though it was no longer a question.


“Catchin on slower than usual, huh?” She said with a quirked eyebrow her overlarge Asian soup spoon halfway to her mouth the broth looking more like chili pepper sauce than the beefy color it came as, I’ve found that just about every asian person can stomach spicier food than we bland americans.”If it helps I had no idea it was you i would be meeting, someone who makes the plans must like surprises.”


I sighed, I didn't know what else to do real life was crashing in around me for the first time in half a decade. I was in my home town eating at one of my favorite restaurants across from someone i still considered one of my best friends on the planet, it was surreal and mind blowing simultaneously, I had been running anywhere and everywhere for my entire adult life and it felt like the first time in years I had really gotten to sit down.


Yuki smiled at me and the confusion written all over my face “So how long have you been back, where are you staying and how are you getting around?” that was Yuki she knew when to ask a question to get your mind moving regularly again plus she would learn something.


“About three days now, flew in Tuesday from Arizona stopped in to meet a local board member and say I was in his territory and saw the ley line at the grand canyon, ive been popping a tent at some local parks, you know the thestons?”


“Yea old family in the circle they have that car/backroom magik dealership in Maitland right?” she said, of course she knew them everyone in the circle had heard about them at some point.


“The patriarch and his new squeeze were out in vegas and just one of the kids was around to run things and he released a junk construct on accident and it started eating old cars and furniture so he called into the circle for assistance, I was barely ten minutes off the plane when i got the call to head over to take care of it, after i destroyed its new body and excised the entity he hooked me up with a used harley real cheap in exchange for not telling his pops about the whole thing, that family has been tight with my moms for a century or two.”


“So you’ve got a ride but no place to stay? crash on my couch its comfier than dirt probably but not by much.” She offered but i knew she was probably trying to keep tabs on me more than extending a helping hand to an old friend.”


“Got beer in your fridge?” I asked, Id let myself get watched for free beer i didn't think Yuki would offer violence to me now unless i gave it first but that was a fight Im pretty sure we both wanted to avoid.


“Nope but I have a bottle of hendricks and a case of tonic.”


“Oooh the good stuff works for me.”


“It was already past eleven when the place closed but there were a few other stragglers finishing meals or dates and bored looking waiters that probably wanted nothing more than to leave, Yuki had already finished her gigantic bowl of noodles somehow so i had another spoonful of atomically spicy broth chugged the last third of my 33 and stood up and stretched ready to leave, Yuki followed my lead and we walked out into the warm still muggy Orlando night.


“So do you know anything about this missing tome that was grabbed by some local baddies?” I asked her I wanted to know who had been dumb enough to let even an exert of their tome slip into the wrong hands. Tomes are special they are collections of original castings, tons of mages have books but surprisingly few are still creating new tomes because so much has been discovered over the millennias that most of us didn't need to bother.


Yuki kept walking for a second. “My apartment is a few blocks down from the bar lets just run over on your bike from the bar.”


“Well its dandy that you live so close to work and great food but Im more interested in the missing tome right now.”


She was quiet for another beat “Its an excerpt from Copperfields tome you know the trick he did to make the statue of liberty disappear?”


“Yea pocket dimension I think, pretty impressive stuff.”


“The excerpt contained that casting and a few other less illusionary more explosive ones of his from back when he was an enforcer.” She said looking straight ahead as she talked.


That was a pretty big fucking deal Copperfield was young by circle standards but had contributed more to new magiks in the last half century than anyone i could think of off the top of my head, id never met him but he had quite the reputation though the enforcer part was news to me so i guess he could pack more of a punch than i had expected.


“How did it get Jacked?” I asked her


“The circle made a deal with some blood lords to exchange the castings for some of theirs, we’ve been trying to get our hands on some of their destructive magiks for years there are so many fewer casters that are battle ready these days that some of their blood fueled castings could make all the difference in some of the fights that we are sure are coming. But when our representative showed up in Miami to make the deal he got his frigging head chopped off our excerpt stolen and now we have a situation because we think their keeping it here in O-town.”


“Makes sense why there were chupacabras with the Sophia today than, she’s run with the blood lords in the past and the chup have been their bitches forever.” i said putting some pieces together.


“You had a run in with chupas!?” she asked looking at me for the first time since we left and stopping about ten feet from my Harley.


“Yea, captured the Sophia with Houdinis sticker, put two of them down for good knocked out some of their hired muscle and sent the last chupa scurrying back to his bosses telling them they had twelve hours to return the book.” I said stopping a step after she did.


“Did you...?”


“Use magik in front of anyone? No i paid off the bartender the place was empty and jake was sitting in the corner probably illusioning the whole damn fight anyway.”


“I meant did you... you know.... wait jake was there?”

“Yea one of Ala’s own supposed personal apostates was there the circle has him in town looking for the tome to, and yes i ghouled up a little bit to put them down, its not like it used to be i can actually use it with out freaking out most of the time these days.”

I walked towards my Harley and got on waiting for Yuki to get behind me, i saw her just stare at me for a second from my left side view mirror shake her head twice before she walked over and got on sliding her arms around my stomach.


“Much nicer than in school.” She said a little devilishly talking about my abs.


“Happens from all the running around and the occasional week long stretch without food I think, but other things are better to.” i said with a flirtatious edge and turned the bikes engine over and we were off, Yuki giggled in my ear Im not sure from my joke or from the thrill of the Harley. I decided it was both.

MBNewman
February 4th, 2013, 09:27 PM
I will turn this post into a review in a little bit, but I gotta say that I did a google search on what an Italian-Japanese girl looks like, and I think I found my soul mate. Absolutely gorgeous. Anyway, consider this my placeholder here.

rave
February 4th, 2013, 09:30 PM
i know i had a friend from high school that she is kind of based on who was absolutely gorgeous, a lot of my characters are loosely based on people i know in this work, i think its what helps me with the dialogue

MBNewman
February 4th, 2013, 10:01 PM
I've done the same, it really can help. My protagonist's love interest is based on my ex-girlfriend, who I know very well and was in love with, and that gave me inexplicably easy writing.

rave
February 4th, 2013, 10:16 PM
yea except shes not a love interest, youll see in chapter 3

CharlieParker82
February 5th, 2013, 02:43 AM
A lot more in here to get me interested in the story. I feel you could tag onto the end of chapter one that he is going to meet the magi, and that he hadn't been to the asian part of town since all hell broke loose. two real good hooks there.

I do have a problem with the main character and this might be just me. He is cool and clever and thats fine, but he is kind of full of himself and that makes him annoying (he keeps telling us about how to eat pho and what beer to drink, again fine, but he sounds a bit of a dick). Now its fine if the character is meant to be like that, but i don't know if i want to read a book with a guy like that. I think if you were to make him more modest he would work better. As the reader we can admire his coolness while not hating his arrogant nature.

rave
February 5th, 2013, 03:23 AM
hmmm i see what your getting at, im a big fan of simon r. green and i always loved that his characters were so confident i wanted to bring a bit of that element to it, i dont want him to be a shining hero yet he just came away from being a "bad guy" he needs time to readjust to real life, hes been a loner for a long time and most of his relationships for years have been short term or one night stands and lived in parts of the world where its often dangerous, situations where exuding an air of confidence is essential to his survival, he gets better but right now your not supposed to entirely like him yet

rave
February 5th, 2013, 03:31 AM
how do you feel about the dialogue? i almost feel that there is to little of it but i dont want them to have idle chatter, its supposed to be two friends getting together for the first time in ages and i want it to feel as natural as breathing, right to whats on their minds and straight forward did that come across well? did the table scene seem static? could you imagine them slurping noodles and catching up?

CharlieParker82
February 5th, 2013, 04:28 AM
hmmm i see what your getting at, im a big fan of simon r. green and i always loved that his characters were so confident i wanted to bring a bit of that element to it, i dont want him to be a shining hero yet he just came away from being a "bad guy" he needs time to readjust to real life, hes been a loner for a long time and most of his relationships for years have been short term or one night stands and lived in parts of the world where its often dangerous, situations where exuding an air of confidence is essential to his survival, he gets better but right now your not supposed to entirely like him yet

I got no problem with the anti hero vibe you got going on, I actually love a anti hero. I just prefer my anti heros mean and quiet, not smug and arrogant. I see how he becomes less so in the next chapter, which actually makes it stranger in this one. Character curve is great but not in two pages. I would just look at him in chapter three and try and bring some of that into chapter two. Also none of this has to do with his relationships with women. I would leave it too long us not liking him people might get turned off.

I think you got a good character with promise, just tone him down a little and make him likable. I currently watching wrestling which I don't often admit, but think Stone Cold Austin in his hey day. Mean, bad, but you root for him right from the off.

Regarding the dialogue, I think you got just enough. You can definitely improve the whole thing ten times over, but as a first draft its a good start, just the bones, fleshing will come with time and thought. The action moves at a good pace, table scene perhaps a little boring, but again you'll get it. The story keeps moving forward so thats good.

rave
February 5th, 2013, 05:26 AM
i kind of want to show the internal struggle between the man who was survival oriented, cold and collected who never thought he would have deep interpersonal relationships again against a man coming home and suddenly having those deep interpersonal relationships again, in scenes coming up hes going to be interrogating people with knowledge of what hes looking for and he will barely pause to think to use torturous methods, especially against an inhuman creature, and its going to sicken yuki and elliot and there is going to be fall out from it even though he doesnt enjoy it he will be viewing it as necessity and they will view it as bestial, he'll come around and it will be a defining moment for him turning away from a loner survivalist to a team player and eventually a hero, but to answer your thought more directly there is supposed to be a discrepancy in his character that will come into view throughout the story

rotsuchi1
February 5th, 2013, 05:32 PM
“Im off in about an hour... stay until than?” I figured that would give me time to wait for someone from the magi or at the least it got me good company for dinner.



than should be then in this quote.
I like this story so far, I have decided to read this story all the way through. have you finished it completely yet??? :)

rave
February 5th, 2013, 06:15 PM
im almost done with chapter 6 for the first book, but I think it would be a series so not even close haha chapter 3 is up however and chapters 4 and 5 will be made semi readable and posted later today. I think ill get through chapter 10 pretty soon then start on a short story ive been kicking around for asmovs

rave
February 5th, 2013, 06:27 PM
also i realize its probably on the site somewhere but how do i post a photo for my profile?

rotsuchi1
February 6th, 2013, 03:18 PM
thats good to hear ^^ keep writing :thumbr: