View Full Version : cameron flay chapter 1 (profuse swearing, violence, edited, enjoy)

February 4th, 2013, 08:26 PM
chapter 1 this time i did some editing, i apologize for the earlier post, when i write i put a lot of words on the page in one go and than worry about editing later, apparently thats not how its done here and i apologize for my lack of editing i just wanted feed back on the story, this should be "readable" now, granted some work could still be done to it but i hope you can make do, id like to hear what you think of the pacing, character development, dialogue and world building etc. i have the first five chapters and will post them in short order when i get through making them readable, if you would like to read the first 25 pages their in another post unedited but i would really appreciate your thoughts.

this is an urban fantasy set in orlando florida, i have a pretty decent idea about where the plot would be going for a few books so if its well received im going to go with it for a while or ill scrap it. i hope you guys like it.

It was a hot day and I wasn't quite used to the humidity again yet but the jeans weren't helping I was sweating my balls off in the Orlando sun that was just now starting to set around 6. Id been chain smoking here in front of a ratty bar for almost an hour hiding comfortably with nothing around me thanks to a charm id gotten very good at over the years for disinterest and a complete lack of a care that I was here from the locals. These side streets off of obt can be like that, people pay attention to their business and probably don’t give a shit about yours unless they want something from you.

The people I had been waiting for walked in, short Hispanic guy white girl, brunette hair long and tall. I love when sitting around pays off. I started a new cigarette to give myself a minute to get ready and let them settle in and relax. I finish up and head in no time like the present, crossing the street and letting my charm off and open the door nonchalantly and walk to the bar where their just now getting their drinks, Budweiser for him and something tall clear and vodka looking for her, Id heard she was a partyer. I walk right up and tap her on the shoulder.

“Sophia, so nice to finally meet you.” I say with a smile and she’s gone, the sticker id slapped onto her taking her right to the guy who made it and i was not jealous but thats what you get for stealing from the big guys.

The small Mexican looking dude turns to me and I guess i should really say it because an it he was, a chupacabra in human skin with big close set eyes small mouth and a tongue that just from looking at the way he held his mouth was about three sizes to big for it.

“The fuck are you” he asks quite loudly “what’d you do with that bitch?” a guy from down the bar walks over to stand next to him, taller and probably hired or fooled muscle. I catch two more short Hispanic guys in the bar mirror out of the corner of my eye walking quietly over from a pool table to get behind me one of them pool cue still in hand the other pulling a short shank like knife from somewhere. the moderate crowd of people is already making its way out the door calmly like this kind of thing happens all the time. The only ones left are myself, the homies, a guy getting drunk as a skunk at the bar by the wall and an amused looking bar tender.

I pretend to not notice them and turn my attention back to shorty number one and smile a great big fuck off smile “she’s right where she needs to be buddy.” I let him know some malice in my voice. Bring it, i was not in the mood for these things to be around me.

Shorty pulls out a glock and aims up at my face. “Don’t fuck with me essey” and nods to give his goons a signal to give me a rough time. Pool cue charges me and i catch it out the bar mirror again i duck fast when he’s about a foot out from me cue pulled back than swinging and the lack of my head being in its way keeps his momentum going and he trips right into me and i let him tumble right on over me i come up in time for big guy to come in swinging. but my adrenaline’s going now and i can feel my right side getting nice and warm my green right eye glowing just a little and i stop his hook with my forearm to his and give him a good uppercut to his chin and he goes down. all the big ones are the same they never expect a scrawnier person to be able to stop them or really deck them. Gotta love that stunned look. Oh and inhuman strength that to.

Little leader boy re aims at my chest and i turn just a little quicker than i should be able to and he shoots shank guy right in the chest. i fling my right arm at his gun and it lengthens to three times its normal length and an extra segment and elbow, my fingers lengthen and my nails become more claw like and i take his hand off at the wrist jaggedly, and he blanches from tan to greenish white, some more of the chupa coming out now. my arm snaps back to its normal shape quickly, pistol whipping muscles in the face as he’s getting up and he goes down for the count. i walk over to a very scared short handless guy and push him down and sit on my haunches in front of him.

“sooooooo some people I know are very unhappy with you guys for taking a piece of literature from them.” I say to him looking him right in the eye. I like looking people in the eye my heterochromia can really freak people out especially when one of them is mage blue, plus you can tell a lot more about the legitimacy of the things they say.

“Fuck you errand boy you aint getting shit from us hombre.”

My look goes to a dead glare completely uncaring and maybe a little sadistic. I grab his arm with the stump and look at it. “you know this is a pretty gnarly stump here.”. i grind it into the floor letting it rub quite hard into painted concrete and good old bar floor stickiness and to his credit he only grunted and bulged his big eyes at me instead of the screaming I expected. okay definitely a little sadistic, sue me.

“We will get it back, last chance to be helpful.” i say to him.

Then the mother fucker spits on my shirt. i punch him with my right hand and he goes down blood foaming from his lips. oops rib plus lung i think. i stand up and lean over it but its fading fast, i drag dead guy next to him and drag the human away. i sit down and look one last time, he’s out cold and clearly not getting up. I sigh and pull magik into me my body getting tingly and my eyes glowing faintly, the blue brighter than the green and call forth into existence a silvery yellow whisp of mage fire, light the two of them up and stand.

I watch the flames devour them for a second and throw my will at it to only consume them before walking over to passed out pool cue and kick it in the ribs hard enough to get it up. “Tell whoever your working for to return it within twelve hours and we wont hunt them down and wipe their existence from this plane. Go.” He’s smart enough to run out the door. Im at the bar and i plop down a wad of bills mostly hundreds. “Jack Daniel's leave me the bottle and you saw nothing.” i slide the money towards him but he seems much less amused than before but he meets my gaze and nods. I chug deep from the jack for a second and put it down on the bar and turn to the older black guy at the bar.

“Ya know I thought you were supposed to have my back jake.” he turns his blue eyes at me and i throw the bottle of jack within an inch of his head above him and it shatters raining jagged beautiful rain around him for a moment. he’s looking calmly but a tad angrily at me now. “You had that shit son your fine.” and turns back to his whisky probably much nicer than my jack. There’s a perfect circle of broken glass at his feet but he’s untouched by it. Fucking jerk. I walk out of the bar throwing what i notice is getting to be a crusty bloody black T-shirt into the trash can and walk across the street bare chested, lighting my last cigarette on the way to my bike hoping i have something cleanish in one of the Harley's saddle bags. I rummage through it and find a clean enough Greenday shirt and Im on the bike riding off for i4 into the setting sun.

My Harley's isn't a new model but its not a classic by any stretch, probably early 21st century Im not sure, I got it very reasonably for dealing with a junk construct at a used car dealership when i got back into town two days ago right off the plane ( id rented an suv to get there though it was out in Maitland not someplace i wanted to walk from orlando International). So I was riding down i4 on my five dollar motor cycle enjoying the thrill that only an american chopper could give you, definitely going over the speed limit and taking full advantage of my disinterest charm to weave in and out of traffic at around 80 miles an hour with out worrying about the cops. Until of course i get near downtown and remember why I hate Orlando traffic anytime between three thirty and eight. it was backed up for at least a mile and a half so i idled and smoked a cigarette because id already of course bought another pack, toe pushing myself forward for most the distance before I had to get off at an exit to a part of downtown id spent a lot of time eating at as a kid.

This was the Asian part of town and just in the last couple of years it had gotten much nicer. back when was a child like four or five i can remember this part of town was a little bleaker more of the windows had bars on them, but now more restaurants many of which actually seemed up scale were here, the little noodle shop i used to eat udon at was gone but pho 88 was still there of course because they would always be the best. When i had left it was already starting to gentrify but now it was like an all new part of town. I parked at a Japanese restaurant/bar that i came to sometimes with my mom or older friends that had more magikal patrons than most could boast about where they congregated and gossiped and ate food that was way to close to authentic for you to believe it was in America. I parked a few buildings down from it and walked in it was called nomu I remembered as I saw the sign, a sake bottle hanging from the roof with the Japanese characters for drink. i stepped in and it smelled great.

February 4th, 2013, 09:05 PM
I won't go too much into editing details, as you've expressed a dislike for it. However, I like the general idea of your story, ala the intertwining of magic and realism.

I do have a few inquiries, though. Basically, I think a little explanation into why he has these powers, where he got them, etcetera is necessar. I do have to wonder if magic is limited strictly to this man (or whoever he's working for). Is he just a magical goon, or is he the head honcho? What's the importance of the stolen book, and why does everyone want it? And it could just be me, but no amount of money could every keep me from spilling the beans on a friggin' MAGE in Orlando, FL, you know?

I like the character's personality leaking into the POV narration, but I think it could do with a general tightening all about. And, a little reminder, if you wanna name someone "Pool Cue" or "Shorty" as temporary names, they still must be capitalized. I have also name characters my character fought after inanimate objects or features they have, as it can add a bit of humor to the mix.

And thank you for splitting it up a little shorter, this is perfect length. I understand that some of my questions could have been explained in the later chapters that you removed, but I think some brief answers could add nicely to this piece.

February 4th, 2013, 09:23 PM
no the magic is limited to a society and a handful of mentaly unstable people and gets explained later, magical goon kind of works for a title actually as you can read in chapter 2 which is already up, and the bartender is likely charmed by jake the guy at the end of the bar into not catching what really happened, thanks for the hint with naming ill keep it in mind

February 4th, 2013, 09:58 PM
Yeah, I'd say make a mention in the writing that Jake had cast the charm on the bartender. And also, if the bartender had been charmed, I'd then question why Cameron paid the bartender off in the first place (unless to pay for drink and any damages--if so, I'd mention it. ). Just little plot holes to think about. You don't ever want to leave the reader questioning about something when it can be easily remedied.

February 4th, 2013, 10:15 PM
i think it was explained, the bartender was given a stack of cash to not remember anything, i explain that hes pretty sure that jake charmed the situation in chapter two, i dont want to throw everything at the reader right away and overwhelm them and want them curious about whats coming up

February 5th, 2013, 02:32 AM
Needs a lot of work grammar wise, but I'm terrible at that too. I like the start, the character seems interesting as does his ability. The violence is described well and I can image what's going on. I did feel there wasn't enough pulling me into the story to keep me reading though. There were moments when my interest was pricked such as the mention of what the men stole - lit - what was it, exciting but then we get a description of him driving and bits about the Asian part of town. I felt for the end of the first chapter i wanted something more to get me hooked. I don't mean give anything away or reveal anything before you want to, but give give me something to get interested in. Have the driving scene and Asian part of town start chapter two.

So my two cents, good start, need something at the end to get me hooked.

February 5th, 2013, 08:43 AM
It is a promising start but I had to wade through a lot of grammatical problems which compounded some difficulties I had with the thread of what was going on. As you say, you just throw words down, but you do need to consider what we can see with only your words to go off because you have a clear understanding of the whole bar but I don't, so it's coming across as disjointed. The guy he speaks to at the end, I'm not sure what that was about and where he came from.

It has a very Tim Powers feel and some potential given how you introduce the fantasy aspect and rip through it without overdoing the description.

February 5th, 2013, 04:50 PM
It was a hot day and I wasn't quite used to the humidity again yet but the jeans weren't helping I was sweating my balls off in the Orlando sun that was just now starting to set around 6.
the first sentence is a run-on try splitting it into two sentences
I like it alot
( I love udon!!!! XD )