View Full Version : Cameron Flay first chapters (profuse swearing and some violence. enjoy!)

February 4th, 2013, 02:52 AM
my urban fantasy set in orlando florida, i dont care to much for editing ill do it in post unless you absolutely feel you have to point it out and fix things, theres about 25 pages here i think hopefully its not to much ill write more if i get positive comments but id love anything you have to say thanks

It was a hot day and i wasn't quite used to the humidity again yet but the jeans weren't helping i was sweating my balls off in the Orlando sun that was just now starting to set around 6. id been chain smoking here in front of a ratty bar for almost an hour hiding comfortably with nothing around me thanks to a charm id gotten very good at over the years for disinterest and a complete lack of a care that i was here from the locals. these side streets off of obt can be like that, people pay attention to their business and probably don’t give a shit about yours unless they want something from you.

the people i had been waiting for walked in, short Hispanic guy white girl, brunette hair long and tall. i love when sitting around pays off. i started a new cigarette to give myself a minute to get ready and let them settle in and relax. i finish up and head in no time like the present, crossing the street and letting my charm off and open the door nonchalantly and walk to the bar where their just now getting their drinks, budweiser for him and something tall clear and vodka looking for her, id heard she was a partyer. i walk right up and tap her on the shoulder.

“Sophia, so nice to finally meet you.” i say with a smile and she’s gone, the sticker id slapped onto her taking her right to the guy who made it and i was not jealous but thats what you get for stealing from the big guys.

The small mexican looking dude turns to me and i guess i should really say it because an it he was, a chupacabra in human skin with big close set eyes small mouth and a tongue that just from looking at the way he held his mouth was about three sizes to big for his mouth.

“The fuck are you” he asks quite loudly “what’d you do with that bitch?” a guy from down the bar walks over to stand next to him, taller and probably hired or fooled muscle. i catch two more short hispanic guys in the bar mirror out of the corner of my eye walking quietly over from a pool table to get behind me one of them pool cue still in hand the other pulling a short shank like knife from somewhere. the moderate crowd of people is already making its way out the door calmly like this kind of thing happens all the time. the only ones left are myself, the homies, a guy getting drunk as a skunk at the bar by the wall and an amused looking bar tender.

I pretend to not notice them and turn my attention back to shorty number one and smile a great fuck off smile “she’s right where she needs to be buddy.” i let him know some malice in my voice. bring it, i was not in the mood for these things to be around me.

Shorty pulls out a glock and aims up at my face. “Don’t fuck with me essey” and nods to give his goons a signal to give me a rough time. Pool cue charges me and i catch it out the bar mirror again i duck fast when he’s about a foot out from me cue pulled back than swinging and the lack of my head being in its way keeps his momentum going and he trips right into me and i let him tumble right on over me i come up in time for big guy to come in swinging. but my adrenaline’s going now and i can feel my right side getting nice and warm my green right eye glowing just a little and i stop his hook with my forearm to his and give him a good uppercut to his chin and he goes down. all the big ones are the same they never expect a scrawnier person to be able to stop them or really deck them. gotta love that stunned look. oh and inhuman strength that to.

Little leader boy re aims at my chest and i turn just a little quicker than i should be able to and he shoots shank guy right in the chest. i fling my right arm at his gun and it lengthens to three times its normal length and an extra segment and elbow, my fingers lengthen and my nails become more claw like and i take his hand off at the wrist jagedly and he blanches from tan to greenish white, some more of the chupa coming out now. my arm snaps back to its normal shape quickly, pistol whiping muscles in the face as hes getting up and he goes down for the count. i walk over to a very scared short handless guy and push him down and sit on my haunches in front of him.

“sooooooo some people i know are very unhappy with you guys for taking a piece of literature from them.” i say to him looking him right in the eye. i like looking people in the eye my heterochromia can really freak people out especially when one of them is mage blue, plus you can tell alot more about the legitimacy of the things they say.

“Fuck you errand boy you aint getting shit from us hombre.”

My look goes to a dead glare completely uncaring and maybe a little sadistic. i grab his arm with the stump and look at it. “you know this is a pretty gnarly stump here.”. i grind it into the floor letting it rub quite hard into painted concrete and good old bar floor stickyness and to his credit he only grunted and bullged his big eyes at me instead of the screaming i expected. okay definetly a little sadistic, sue me.

“we will get it back, last chance to be helpful.” i say to him.

Then the mother fucker spits on my shirt. i punch him with my right hand and he goes down blood foaming from his lips. oops rib plus lung i think. i stand up and lean over it but its fading fast, i drag dead guy next to him and drag the human away. i sit down and look one last time, hes out cold and clearly not making it. i sigh and pull magik into me my body getting tingly and my eyes glowing faintly, the blue brighter than the green and call forth into existence a silver whisp of mage fire, light the two of them up and stand.

i watch the flames devour them for a second and throw my will at it to only consume them before walking over to passed out pool cue and kick it in the ribs hard enough to get it up. “Tell whoever your working for to return it within twelve hours and we wont hunt them down and wipe their existence from this plane. Go.” hes smart enough to run out the door. Im at the bar and i plop down a wad of bills mostly hundreds. “Jack daniels leave me the bottle and you saw nothing.” i slid the money towards him but he seems much less amused than before but he meets my gaze and nods. i chug deep from the jack for a second and put it down on the bar and turn to the older black guy at the bar.

“Ya know i thought you were supposed to have my back jake.” he turns his blue eyes at me and i throw the bottle of jack within an inch of his head above him and it shatters raining jagged beautiful rain around him for a momment. hes looking calmly but a tad angrily at me now. “You had that shit son your fine.” and turns back to his whisky probably much nicer than my jack. theres a perfect circle of broken glass at his feet but hes untouched by it. fucking jerk. i walk out of the bar throwing what i notice is getting to be a crusty bloody black tshirt into the trash can and walk across the street lighting my last cigarete on my way to my bike hoping i have something cleanish in one of the harleys saddle bags. i rumage through it and find a clean enough greenday shirt and im on the bike riding off for i4 into the setting sun.

My harleys isnt a new model but its not a classic by any stretch, probably early 21ts century im not sure, i got it very reasonably for dealing with a junk construct at a used car dealership when i got back into town two days ago right off the plane ( id rented an suv to get there though it was out in maitland not someplace i wanted to walk from orlando international). So i was riding down i4 on my 5 dollar motor cycle enjoying the thrill that only an american chopper could give you, definetly going over the speed limit and takeing full advantage of my disinterest charm to weave in and out of traffic at around 80 miles an hour with out worrying about the cops. until of course i get near downtown and remember why i hate orlando trafic anytime between three thirty and 8. it was backed up for at least a mile and a half so i idled and smoked a cigarette because id already of course bought another pack, toe pushing myself foreward for most the distance before i had to get off at an exit to a part of downtown id spent a lot of time eating at as a kid.

this was the asian part of town and just in the last couple of years it had gotten much nicer. back when was a child like 4 or 5 i can remember this part of town was a little bleaker more of the windows had bars on them, but now more restaraunts many of which actually seemed up scale were here, the little noode shop i used to eat udon at was gone but pho 88 was stil there of course because they would always be the best. When i had left it was already starting to gentrify but now it was like an all new part of town. i parked at a japanese restaraunt/bar that i came to sometimes with my mom or older friends that had more magikal patrons than most could boast about where they congregated and gosiped and ate food that was way to close to authentic for you to believe it was in america. i parked a few buildings down from it and walked in it was called nomu i remembered as i saw the sign, a sake bottle hanging from the roof with the japanese characters for drink. i stepped in and it smelled great.


The place had barely changed since i left a few years ago still kind of dingy but it didnt have the clouds of cigarette and other smoke it used to so i guess even the magikal society has to bend to the health code eventualy. fucking government.

toru an old japanese guy still stood behind the bar and the smell of yakitori and grilling collar wafted from the kitchen. i nodded to toru and signaled him over it took him a minute but he recognized me and it seemed like he was the only one so far. worked for me i wasnt trying to meet everyone in the know tonight didnt need the stress of my being back making a splash. i ordered a saporro and a skewer of chicken with extra tare and sat and watched a muted soccer game mindlessly for awhile, i never understood why the rest of the world was obsessed with this game it was boring as hell it had been forty minutes of not scoring and dudes in headbands running in short shorts so i drank more saporro hoping it would make more sense. it didnt. so i just sat around waiting, the magi had told me to meet with someone here but that they would approach me but it had been awhile i sighed and debated ordering another beer or leaving.

The waitress came to check on me for the first time since id walked in almost an hour ago, got to love good service, and was shocked by the women who was standing there in the open kimono over jeans and a tshirt.

“Yuki, you still live here?” i said with a half smile i hadnt seen or talked to her in years. Yuki was a tall girl probably 5’10, half japanese and half italian, pretty and still looked like she ran cross country. it blew my mind to see her i hadnt seen her since the day after everything went to hell which was the day before id left originaly intending it to be for good.

“Cameron Flay?” she said incredulous, i couldnt blame it had been about five years since id seen her face and she looked all grown up as different to me as i probably was to her now. she had a scar on her right cheek now that was definetly bad ass.

“Havent seen you in awhile you work her now i expected something else from you?”

“Its not my only job cam.”

“Excuse me im sorry, when are you off work ill buy us dinner to apologize.” i told her thinking that noodles sounded like a good idea in my near future.

“im off in about an hour... stay until than?” I figured that would give me time to wait for someone from the magi or at the least it got me good company for dinner.

“Definetly, talk more than.” So i sat and watched god damn soccer while an old friend schlepped dishes and food to drunk men and women who could bend the forces of the universe to their will when they so chose. lifes weird like that sometimes.

An hour later yuki and i walk out of the bar, id never found my magi contact or they hadnt found me but i didnt care yuki deserved a bit of face time after everything so we walked to pho 88 the best place for pho within at least a hundred miles and after five years and even having been to vietnam i was still excited for some of their noodles.

Yuki pulled out a long black cigarette and motioned to me for a lighter, i handed it to her and readied a camel to my lips.

“I didnt know cigarettes came in black now yook, very classy.” she had never been to fond of that nickname. She lit her cancer stick, handed me my lighter back and her smoke smelled like vanilla and cloves pretty nice actually even though i would probably never say it out loud.

“Theres probably quite a few things you dont know to much about any more cam, where the hell did you dissapear to?”

I took a second while i lit my camel and we walked for a few more beats “Oh just about everywhere i guess from here i went up the east coast new york was nice deffinetly better than boston in my oppinion, hid out in maine and canada for a while, caught a boat to england and the british isles than saw europe, lost about 6 weeks in amsterdam, wandered through europe until i got the mediteranian and than northern africa to the middle east, india to china to korea to japan got to stop out west on my way back here from there california and arizona were nice.” i said casually, not many people get to see as much as i have by twenty three in their entire lives.

“Wow i knew about some of those from the blank postcards but... wow thats incredible was it fun?”

“I guess so the whole running and hiding from the magi for most of five years kind of put a damper on things though. Hows life been treating you.” i slipped in ttrying to change the subject because it wasnt wise to talk negatively about the magi and i wanted to know.

“Ive been good i finished high school, going to school at ucf studying magik still working with the magi.” we just walked and smoked for a minute me knowing that as little as a month ago she might of had to kill me, her maybe not knowing that she didnt have to anymore. we got to the restaraunt and sat down we both knew what to get with out looking at the menu i got a forty one a thirty nine for yuki and we both got 33 beers because thats what you drink with pho.

“So why the hell are you back?” she asked me it had been writ all over her face that shed been dieing to know since she saw me back at nomu.

“The magi and i have come to an understanding, the world is getting crazier and crazier day by day and they dont have enough enforcers im the new designated one for orlando.”
Yukis jaw dropped, when id hit the ground runing around 5 years ago the magi wanted me dead but now i was one of their swords in the dark designated to keep man kind safe with my power from creatures of darkness yada yada yada. the enforcers scared the shit out of most mages we were the ones with enough raw magical power to level city blocks, go toe to toe with vampires, lycans, chupacabras, elementals, paegan gods etc. the enforcers were bad asses with a liscense to do what they thought were necessary only subject to the council if they commited miss deeds, most of which were over looked. if enforcer sounded an awful lot like organized crime it was because they got the term from us you wouldnt believe how many criminals had magik of some level and knowledge about the grander state of things.

She muttered something and suddenly everyone in the restaraunt was looking at their phones or out the window or eating with unbelievable focus, a variation of my disinterest charm and she pulled a mini uzi out from within herself and leveled it at me. quick note on pulling a weapon or object from within your self like that, back in the forties when a lot of ground breaking physics was going on we discovered that things are made up of mostly empty space, leave it to some ingenious mage (more of those around than i like) and he figured out how to fill some of that empty space with anything as long as its molecules could fit and you could will it in and out of you however even when you werent holding it in its actual form its mass was added to your own. back to the girl with the gun.

“How the hell did that happen we have history cam and i dont want to kill you but thats a hell of an idea that your on our side now.”`

“Actually i was in japan and helped an osaka enforcer out with a shinto spirit on a rampage and she put a good word for me to the board. your sister says hi by the way mom to.” i say to her as a waiter drops off noodles not even looking at us or the gun in her hand. i broke open my chopsticks added soy, fish sauce, lime siracha, and the home made chillia sauce to my noodles stirred it up and took a mouthful of noodles slurping happily with what i was coming to realize was a very pretty women looking down a gun at me.

“If it proves anything to you houdini gave me one of his stickers to catch the sophia earlier today.” i said.

she looked suprised at that but noded i knew houdini was alive and kicking it as one of the most powerful me in the world on the board of the magi which only mages in the circle would know which i guess i now was.

“I was recruited as an enforcer last year things are acting up everywhere apparently their grabbing every mage with destructive force they can to them,” she said letting the uzi melt back up her arm and doctored up her own noodles and started slurping down, we sat and ate and let everything settle in for a few minutes. i wasnt a wanted man and yuki was a full fledged monster killer, things had changed since high school and learning magik and smokeing weed hanging out and partying as kids. then i realized she was the contact i was supposed to meet at nomu.

“You were supposed to meet me at the bar werent you.” i asked her even though it was no longer a question.

“Catchin on slower tha usual, huh?” She said with a quirked eyebrow her overlarge asian soup spoon halfway to her mouth the broth looking more like chili pepper sauce than the beefy color it came as, ive found that just about every asian person can stomach spicier food than we bland americans.

I sighed, i didnt know what else to do real life was crashing in around me for the first time in half a decade. i was in my home town eating at one of my favorite restaraunts across from someone i still considered one of my best friends on the planet and it was sureal and mind blowing simultaneously, i had been running anywhere and everywhere and it felt like the first time in years i had really gotten to sit down.

yuki smiled at me and the confusion written all over my face “So how long have you been back, where are you staying and how are you getting around?” that was yuki she knew when to ask a question to get your mind moving regularly again plus she would learn something.

“About three days now, flew in tuesday from arizona stopped in to meet a local board member and say i was in his territory and saw the ley line at the grand canyon, ive been poping a tent at some local parks, you know the thestons?”

“Yea old family in the circle they have that car/backroom magik dealership in maitland right?” she said, of course she knew them everyone in the circle had heard about them at some point.

“The patriarch and his new squeeze wwere out in vegas and just one of the kids was around to run things and he released a junk construct on accident and it started eating old cars and furniture so he callled into the circle for assistance, i was barely ten minutes off the plane when i got the call to head over to take care of it, after i destroyed its new body and excised the entity he hoked me up with a used harley real cheap in exchange for not telling his pops about the whole thing, that family has been tight with my moms for a century or two.”

“So youve got a ride but no place to stay? crash on my couch its comfier than dirt probably but not by much.” she offered but i knew she was probably trying to keep tabs on me more than extending a heling hand to an ld friend.”

“Got beer in your fridge?” i asked, id let myself get watched for free beer i didnt think yuki would offer violence to me now unless i gave it first but that was a fight im pretty sure we both wanted to avoid.

“Nope but i have a bottle of hendricks and a case of tonic.”

“Oooh the good stuff works for me.”

“It was already past ten when the place closed but there were a few other staglers finishing meals or dates and bored looking waiters that probably wanted nothing more than to leave, yuki had already finished her gigantic bowl of noodles somehow so i had another spoonful of atomicly spicey broth chugged the last third of my 33 and stood up and stretched ready to leave, yuki followed my lead and we walked out into the warm still muggy orlando night.

“So do you know anything about this missing tome that was grabbed by some local baddies?” i asked her i wanted to know who had been dumb enought to let even an exerpt of their tome slip into the wrong hands. Tomes are special they are collections of original castings, tons of mages have books but suprisingly few are still creating new tomes because so much has been discovered over the millenia that most of us didnt need to bother.

Yuki kept walking for a second. “My appartment is a few blocks down from the bar lets just run over on your bike from the bar.”

“well its dandy that you live so close to work and great food but im more interested in the missing tome right now.”

She was quiet for another beat “Its an excerpt from copperfields tome you know the trick he did to make the statue of liberty dissapear?”

“Yea pocket dimension i think, pretty impressive stuff.”

“The excerpt contained that casting and a few other less illusionary more explosive ones of his from back when he was an enforcer.” she said looking straight ahead as she talked.

That was a pretty big fucking deal copperfield was young by circle standards but had contributed more to new magiks in the last half century than anyone i could think of off the top of my hed, id never met him but he had quite the reputation though the enforcer part was news to me so i guess he could pack more of a punch than i had expected.

“How did it get Jacked?” i asked her

“The circle made a deal with some blood lords to exchange the castings for some of theirs, weve been trying to get our hands on some of their destructive magiks for years there are so many fewer casters that are battle ready these days that some of their blood fueled castings could make all the difference in some of the fights that we are sure are coming. but when our representative showed up in miami to make the deal he got his frigging head chopped off our exerpt stolen and now we have a situation because we think their keeping it here in O-town.”

“Makes sense why there were chupacabras with the sopia today than, shes run with the blood lords in the past and the chup have been their bitches forever.” i said putting some pieces together.

“You had a run in with chupas!?” she asked looking at me for the first time since we left and stopping about ten feet from my harley.

“Yea, captured the sophia with houdinis sticker, put two of them down for good knocked out some of their hired muscle and sent the last chupa scurrying back to his bosses telling them they had twelve hours to return the book.” i said stopping a step after she did.

“Did you...?”

“Use magik in front of anyone? no i paid off the bartender the place was empty and jake wa sitting in the corner probaby illusioning the whole damn fight anyway.”

“I meant did you... you know.... wait jake was there?”

“Yea one of Ala’s own supposed personal apostates was there the circle has him in town looking for the tome to. and yes i ghouled up a little bit to put them down, its not like it used to be i can actually use it with out freaking out most of the time these days.”

I walked towards my harley and got on waiting for yuki to get behind me, i saw her just stare at me for a second from my left side view mirror shake her head twice before she walked over and got on slidding her arms around my stomach.

“Much nicer than in school.” she said a little devilishly talking about my abs.

“Happens from all the running around and the occasional week long stretch with out food i think, but other things are better to.” i said with a flirtatious edge and turned the bikes engine over and we were off and yuki giggled in my ear im not sure from my joke or from the thrill of the harley. i decided it was both.


Yukis apartment really was quite close by probably only four blocks down and a left. the complex was an old one from back in the 70s, in orlando we dont really get high rises outside of down town because the soils so so sandy so it was a two floor cinderblock with probably six units and a house off to the side that i guessed was the landlords.

We parked my bike and got off.
“Ever hear the one about why girls love motorcycles?” i asked with a grin.

Yuki slapped my shoulder a little harder than i would of expected and laughed i could tell the couple of beers shed had were starting to kick in and i was in the same place. i had some ideas about her in nothing but the half kimono that was over her shoulder and how she would look great with nothing else.

“Oh please i have something with more horsepower in the drawer by my bed.” she laughed as she led me upstairs.

“Kinky yuki, kinky.” i laughed and she joined me as we got to the second floor she let us in to the second apartment and i walked in after her. it was small a kitchenette a living room with a book case where most people would have a tv, a bathroom and a bedroom. concurrent with what she said her couch looked to be in sad shape and was actually a futon. maybe id find a better place to sleep.

“Im gonna take a shower cam, get the work smell off me.” she said as she reached into a closet and threw a blanket at the futon than disapeered into the bathroom and i heard the shower get going. i browsed her books for a minute before grabing a well read copy of rturn of the king and sat down with it.

About 10 minutes into my reading where legolas and gimli are fighting a hoard of orcs theres a knock on the door. “Could you get that cam, ill be out in a minute.”

I got up to answer the door and met a very muscular white guy.

“Hey yukis in the shower shell be out in a second im an old friend of hers cameron.” i put my hand out for his and he shook it elliot i was just stopping by for a second. can i get you a drink elliot i asked him walking back inside to her tiny kitchen to find the gin which was in a cabinet by the fridge.

“Sure man so how do you know yuki?” he asked coming in behind me.

“Oh we went to high school together, im in town for a while and im gonna sleep on her couch i said motioning to the futon. i heard him audibly wince, no one wants to sleep on a futon. i turned around and handed him a gin and tonic and met his eyes they were mage blue. I turned around quickly hoping he hadnt seen my eyes to well in the gloom, My no longr being a major enemy of the magi wasnt known yet to all mages and i didnt want to take any chances so i mixed my gin and tonic and was about to attempt small talk when he started talking.

“So you said your name was cameron and an old friend of yukis?” he said casually. i mhmed and he sucker punched me on the side of the head my back still turned, and i hate to admit it but i went down hard and than elliot was on top of me he flipped me over puched me in the face and i saw him pull a big ass mother fucking buck knife from within himself i swear to god it was almost as long as my forearm, and put it to my neck.

“Now ya see,” he drawled over, me his knees on my shoulders pinning me down pretty good but now i was angry i willed energy into me from the world around me and my eyese started glowing i let my arm slowly extend he hadnt killed me yet but i wasnt going to let him stay where he was for very long. “The only old friend of yuki’s named cams i have ever heard about killed one of their friends in high school, is part ghoul and has been on the run from the magi for years” he smiled coldly “and i find you waiting here in yukis apartment which i doubt you were invited into.” but that was when i raised up my now taloned hand and wrapped it around his neck quicker than he could react to.

“Your going to get the fuck off me now friend.” and i smiled right back at him as his grin jumped off his face faster than the road runner.

And thats when a mostly naked yuki ran out of the bathroom pulling her uzi into one hand and a tanto into the other and was on top of the two of us faster than i would of expected from her and i found a tanto touching my left eyelid and elliot had the barrel of her little machine pistol at his temple.

“Elliot your going to pull back your knife then cameron is going to release your throat or else im going to have a couple of dead dumbasses to hide.” she said and i couldnt help but think that i might get killed by an asian girl in her underware hair still wet with a rather large man on top of me.

I burst out laughing and i let my arm return to normal and pulled my hand away while elliot was still looking at yukis tits. they both looked at me and elliot willed his knife back up his arm and yuki walked away and threw on her little kimono unfortuneately tieing it before coming and helping me to my feet than gave elliot the idiot a hug. oh now i see why he was coming around eleven.... there goes my hopes of a warm bed.

“El, cam is back in the fold the magi have accepted him back hes an enforcer like us now.” Her hands were still around his neck and she was looking up at his face.

“How did that fucking happen?” he looked over and glared daggers at me.

“Good behavior.” i said and winked at him just to see his reaction. worth it. “Yook i think ill find someplace else to sleep tonight and leave you too it.” I said walking over to her counter and grabbed a sharpie and wrote my number of my disposable phone on her arm. “Call me after your done... with this.” i said with a bit of distaste and walked out.

I was halfway down the stairs when yuki was out the door still in her robe and yelled at me to stop.

“Cam wait up, Im sorry about that, i wasnt thinking elliot would be stopping by tonight, im sorry he roughed you up like that.” She grabbed my chin and turned my face to look at the spot where elliot had punched me it was a tad puffy which was actually impressive i usualy dont even bruise after a punch thanks to my ghoulishness but the guy was built like a goddamn house.

“Its fine, he was about two seconds from getting off me or losing his head.” i said simultaneously pissed and liking the way her robe was hanging in a v at her chest. so im a pig, big deal. “so how long have you had a thing with big blonde and aggresive?” i asked her.

She blushed pretty hard but couldnt help but laugh and smile “about 4 months, he came here to be an enforcer six months ago and we worked together a few times before he finally asked me to dinner. Hes a nice guy.”

“I could tell from the fist to the face very gentle that one.” i was still pissed more about what he said than the punch.

Yuki looked me in the eye not flinching even though my eyes were still aglow mage blue in my left and the green of my right, the yellow of my ghoul blood trying to super impose itself over the blue. “Katie was my friend to cam, those of us that were there know it wasnt your fault that shes gone, and i dont think your a beast to be hunted down just because one of your grand parents was a ghoul even if it will take time for people like elliot to come around.”

i just looked at her flatly for a few seconds i try not to even think about what happened to katie, i hoped everyday that she was dead because the alternative was so much worse. she put her hand on my ellbow and kept looking me dead in the eye, i dont know what she thinks she saw but she hugged me fiercly for a few seconds. “She was my best god damn friend cam i cant even imagine how you feel.” i hugged her back for a second and pushed her away. “ill see you tomorrow well look for the blood lords tomorrow and either get the tome back if we have t beat the living shit out of every sonovabitch thats ever sen it to get to it.” i said with a smile trying to lighten the mood.

“Cam you always know exactly what to say to a girl.” she said beaming at me and i remembered why she would always be my friend, she was now the amazing woman i always expected her to be and still loyal to the core, what was it mom used to say? friends are the family you chose, yuki was my sister in very way that mattered.

She started walking up the stairs back to her apartment. she was almost at the top before i yelled at her.


“What?” she yelled back.

“I bet that thing in your drawer gets tons of use with him around.”

She just smiled at me and laughed and went inside closing the door and locking it behind her. i couldnt help but smiling for a second as i walked to my bike, absent mindedly touching the stud in the ridge of my ear that had been katies first earing. i got on and rolled away it was good to see old friends and knowing they hadnt changed even though they had in every way.


I got on i4 and took the sandlake exit and cruised through the doctor phillips area for a while seeing what had changed, which on sandlake was just about everything stores, restaurants, plazzas and even a fucking walmart had popped up where i could remember trees and even orange trees. it was around midnight and i was bored and tired, i stopped by the seven eleven on the corner of turkey lake and conroy to get a slurpee and ended up buying a bag of weed from a kid that came up to me named scorpion in the parking lot and turned down his offer for some white. and walked in and grabbed a slurpee, a bag of chips and a lighter and a cigarillo at the counter and walked out draping the bag over the handle bar and holding my slurpee in my left, and hand rode down to the street barely a quarter mile turned down a street and parked at their community dock by a lake.

I got off and pulled my back pack out of a saddle bag throwing my one man camp tent in, a change of clothes, a couple toiletries and my supplies from seven eleven, walked up the street the way i came smoking a cigarette before waiting to cross turkey lake. it was amazing even at midnight people were still driving up and down what was basically a residential street with hundreds of houses around it, however universal studios had built itself up out here right across the street from the high school id gone to as a kid, but it had brought so much buisness in that now even the suburbs were bustling and it was same all over town because there were theme parks and attractions everywhere in town.

the traffic finally had a gap and i hustled across the street to stand outside shadow bay park where id camped as an 8 year old and skipped school at as a 16 year old for a second, remeniscing about old times before i finally hopped the fence and walked on through. at night shadow bay only has a few lights up front and the rest is up to moonlight because good luck seeing any stars in this town. i walked in past the tennis courts and playgrounds to the thickest part of the woods and put my tent up with quick practiced motions in the dark leaving the fly off to let the warm air in. Than i set myself up to have a good old time with my bag by setting up a little fire with some wood scrap and loggs in a little pit i dug with the heel of my cat boot and set it aflame with my yellow tinged silver magefire and dragged over a log to lean against and sipped appreciatively on my gigantic coke and cherry slurpy which was a red that doesnt exist anywhere in nature and was most definetly bad for me. i stared at my fire for a moment and busted out the weed and split my cigarillo open dropping the vanilla flavored tobaco onto the dirt, picked apart one of the nugs and rolled up a fatty lighting it with a twig from the fire and smoked it to the face.

about ten minutes in i was bakedddd. I got to thinking as you always do when your stoned and alone, i thought about the world i had seen and the indecency as well as beauty, the increase of creatures on our plane everywhere and the magi increaseing the combat power really becomeing a militant force in centuries. Their was the problem of finding copperfields tome and getting it from blood lords wasnt going to be fun by any stretch. but really i mostly thought about katie.

She had been my friend since before we could walk, her father was a mage and doctor at ORMC and had saved my moms life giving birth to me only eight days after she had been born. We had learned to swim together, she had kicked my ass as kids, been my first kiss at twelve, we had gone to our first parties and tried almost all of the dumb things for the first time together, id pulled a black girl off her during a drunken slap fight and she had broken up a few id been in. she was my first love at fifteen and lover a year later. she had been there when it had become apparent to everyone i wasnt merely human and trying to take my inner ghoul out had probably cost her her life decades before it should have ended.

I sighed.

“Some days i wonder if you haunt me and laugh at my expense everyday Kate.” I said to the empty night.

I could still remember those nights, mages rarely seemed to be morning people so ours had been the night life. I could remember to much of it i felt sometimes. Her laugh and smile, giggles and breathlessness, how she would bat her eyes or act furiously with me.

The night i first manifested my ghoul Had been at our first combat training at Dr. Phillips night classes for those like us. We had been on the football field past midnight in a large circle, there were just under twenty of us underclassmen, freshmen and sophmores tired from school and knowing we were about to exhaust ourselves even more and than do it all again tomorrow.

Our instructor, Collins we all called him was a history teacher and magik professor for our area if you were a young mage in orlando after the mid eighties when DP opened it was where you had learned to harness your abilities, other schools had enginering or art magnets, we had magik. “Tonight will be the first combat training for most of you freshmeat.” Collins said looking us newbies over. “No Mage fire or calling forth ligtning, no summon or familiar larger than a german shepard, no weapons with edges or fire arms, I call pairs as i feel like it and you slug it out until one of you is at the others mercy or i call it over. Ian, Jasper, in the circle now, when i get to the edge you start.” He walked away as they came foreward.

Both were freshman, Ian was my friend and id bet he had this fight. They reached the center a few steps before Collins reached the edge. “Luck Ian.” Jasper said to him. I saw jasper grin fiercely his eyes tracking collins out of the ring and the second he was out Ian was going.

Ian jumped foreward and said a syllable shooting forth a cylinder of force barely edged in crimson towards jasper conecting with his side as he tried to get out of the was spinning him to the ground. Ian pulled into his hand a wooden baseball bat from within himself and was moveing to close the twenty paces between them when jasper grunted his own words, his eyes glowing mage blue in the night, and threw blades of wind tinged green at ian forceing him to run to his left to avoid their onslaught, giving Jasper the chance to concentrate and close his eyes and sing out a line of summoning pulling into this plane four large bats, Their teeth and claws far bigger than any bat of this world and willed them towards ian. To his credit he stood his ground instead of running like a bitch and swung his bat crushing two of them to etheral mist as they winked out of their existance but the other two were on him, one clamped onto his right arm and one flew around his head scraping him with its claws, drawing blood from his forehead and scalp.

Ian yelled out in pain and anger, his rage fueling the guteral sound with magik, eyes shining, he broke Jaspers hold on the creatures forceing them back to wherever they had come from. We were all suprised breaking another mages summon through sheer will was nothing to scoff at. He charged Jasper, dazed from his will being shattered like glass, he reached him and swung his bat down towards his head. Jasper barely got his right arm up to intercept the blow and we all heard his the bone snap under the weight of the blow. Jasper fell to the ground and Ian placed his bat at the hollow of his throat like in a freaking Samurai movie.

“Enough, winner Ian. Katherine i hear you have the gift with healing, see if you can do something about the boys arm.” Collins said to katie and ian got him off the ground and half carried jasper to her where she placed a hand on his arm, getting a wince out of him and focused for a momment, sweat beading her brow. Than jasper fell over at her feet. “Hes almost good as new but i used the rest of his energy to set it right, hell be weak for days.” she said slightly blushing and looking at the fields grass.

“Good enough, Next.”

Next Was yuki against some sophmore girl whose name i couldnt remember. They stared eachother down across the wide circle until they heard the word to go. sophmore girl tried to turn the graound aat yukis feet into a hole but barely dropped the ground six inches, tripping yuki as she tried to sprint towards her. Yuki through a dazzle charm at her with a yelled distract! and was on her feet off runing at her. neither one of them seemed to have a useful weapon they could pull forth and from there it was all wrestling, slapping and hair pulling. it lasted perhaps another two minutes to which we all had a good laugh about until yukis shirt got ripped down the center, exposeing her purple sports bra to everyone present.

“You bitch!” yuki screamed blushing profusely and finally punched her in the nose knocking her out cold. It was the closest id ever come to seeing boobs at that point. Fucking Epic.

“Kevin, Cameron on deck.” Collins barked out. It was my turn and i was nervous as all hell, i couldnt use any of the big casts in my arsenal because we werent trying to kill eachother, and i couldnt pull my cheap ass katana or pocket knife out ether which meant that the only thing i had in me was the pen i used in class. i pulled it forth and quickly jotted out a slightly curved line on the top of my left hand about a quarter of an inch thick and about a dozen black circles the size of dimes onto the inside of my left palm as i walked foreward.

“Hurry up kid, we dont have all night and some of these are probably going to be long.” he yelled from the center of the circle. screw him, I already didnt like kevin hed been flirting with yuki and katie earlier, and they had the gall to act like they didnt mind, plus two of my friends had already won, i wasnt going to mess up our streak, so i kept my lacsidasical pace and met him in the center of the circle. Kevin was taller than me by almost a foot by merit of puberty having hit him harder younger, i was barely five foot and he was close to six and had at least 30 pounds on me so i was going to try and avoid wrestling him.

The instant i was ten paces from him and in the center collins shouted go. Kevin threw his hand in a horizontal gesture, creating a rope of will that flew towards me parallel to the ground, which a barely ducked under by sprawling onto the grass, my left shoulder absorbing most of the impact. I was stareing right up into the stdium lighting from my spot on the ground and was a bit dazzled, adrenaline pumping a placed my right hand onto the back of my left and pulled them quickly away from eachother and willed a boken made of ink and imagination forth into our world a bit over three feet long and tried to get on my feet. Kevin slapped a bolt of force into my left temple. The bastard hadnt even moved a step and i was on the ground, not how id been planning to let this go. i stumbled to my feet suprising him, he must of thought that would put me down. i charged at him my makeshift weapon in my hand and swung it at him but he intercepted it with his left forearm and i didnt get the satisfying crack Ian did. He grabbed my weapon and pulled me toward him, i couldnt let go because it would let the sword out of existance if it left my grasp so i was pulled in close and he fell on top of me forceing us to wrestle on the ground exactly like i hadnt wanted to do.

He manuvered my black weapon to rest the flat of it on my throat and started chokeing me with it putting his weight behind it. I let go of the weaon and it snapped out of existance in an instant barely becomeing etheral black smoke for a moment and he fell foreward with his weight behind him, his head coming toward mine. i shot my head foreward and my forhead conected with his mouth and nose causeing blood to spurt from his pretty face. i Ignored the pain and place my left hand on his chest as he gasped out a pained breath.

“Go fuck yourself.” i said to him wwith a wicked grin stretched over my face. I willed the black spheres id drawn on my hand foreward giving them just enough effort that they would maintain a solid existance for a moment and shot them into kevins chest, shooting him maybe three feet away from me in an awkward tumble. I got up and walked towards him as he sprawled trying to catch his breath and shot him with three my little projectiles on my way to him. When i reached him i jumped on him and reigned a few punches onto his bloodied face before he kneed me between the legs.

My world went white for a moment and i barely recall being forced to my back somehow. and than my own face was getting pumelled. I felt my nose break, my cheeks pushed into my teeth drawing blood from at least a dozen smal cuts, and my left eye throbed from where it was hit already swelling shut.

That went on longer than i would like to admit and i could barely struggle beneath him whil he went to town on me. I felt helpless and angry and weak, my face was painful my body hurt and i didnt even want to consider the pain that was coursing through my junk. Then i lost it, i yelled something inarticulate, i felt strength flood my system, my right arm distended and changed along with its hand and fingers, my nails lengthened and curled into claws, the skin on my face seemed to stretch tight on my face, my ears felt hot and pointed and my right eye could see like never before. the field around us which should have been dark except for our circle of light was plain as day to me, i saw magikal energies running in lines all around me and my class mates all glowed in shades of color that were distinctly theirs.

Their was something irritating on top of me i realized that was trying to force me into submission. i laughed and grabbed him almost fully around his left thigh with my new hand and heard him gasp as my claws cut through his jeans and into his flesh, I flung him off me probably fifteen feet. my strength felt good. I stood up slowly and stretched, there was some kind of comotion and annoyingly loud shouting going on around me but i only had attention to the mage boy who had been on top of me. I grinned and swagered over to him slowly fully intending to rip his throat out and shove it in his mouth, than reach down his gaping throat and pull his heart out and eat it in front of him while he gasped his last breaths out, than absorb him for every ounce of magik and potential he had.

than their was someone jumping onto my back and yelling into my ear, than two more someones slammed into me and i was on the ground, someone strong rolled me onto my back and i saw three very freaked out faces inches from my own.

Who were they? i couldnt seem to recall. they were yelling at me but i couldnt make out the words i was so out of it. than i met katies eyes and i regained some of myself. I realized that she, yuki and Ian were on top of me yelling my name.

I felt my body melt back to normal and i was instantly weak and in pain again. It sucked ass. “That counts as my win i think.” I said delirously and with plenty of slurring. Katie through her arms around my neck and burried her face in my chest and i knew i loved her, she had made me what i was again. yuki just sat on top of me and cursed at me and ian slapped me than tousled my hair and walked off never much of one for sentiment. The girls got me to my feet and i was already stable again, I cast my disinterest charm right there and the only ones to notice me walking away were the three of them and collins.

Our senior Year of high school Katie had thought shed figured out how to get the ghoul out of me and she, yuki, Ian, jasper and collins somehow got talked into helping us. Whatever katie had done hadnt saved me from myself but instead brought forth my grandfather the Algol to this world from wherever he came from. He had released me and delighted in watching me try to kill my friends. I killed jasper and fatally wounded collins, Ian had thrown an unconcious Yuki over his shoulder and ran away smart as ever. It had left just katie my grandfather and I there. I had been exhausted from fighting and trying to have a quarter of what i was pulled out of me. katie had stood over me between my grandfather and I trying to protect me. he had taken her with him leaving me alone with corpses and blood and the words that i should do better in the future. He had probably eaten her knowing how much power she had. Than i had been on the run from the magi, both sides of my family and the law.

Memories like these were probably why i didnt smoke much anymore it made me to introspective. i sighed and waved my hand over the fire and it went out. I crawled into my tent and was asleep. so much for a relaxing evening.


I was woken up by my burner phone ringing, when I answered it it was yuki.

“Morning sunshine ready to get hunting?” she said far to cherfully for nine in the morning. I mumbled something about how she could go do things to herself with a flaming sword and than told her to meet me at the dennys on kirkman, because a rediculously large greasy breakfast is the way to start your day in america.

I rolled my tent up and through everything in my pack and walked out of the park only getting a few looks from a park ranger wondering what some guy with a back pack was doing walking out of his park who clearly hadnt come in this morning, and from a couple of women playing tennis whose looks were much more apreciative. I grinned and waved even though they had at least a decade on me. i crossed the street and hopped on my bike and was off to breakfast. I pulled into the dennys which was styled like an old fifties dinner all in chrome and and gaudy green and red, i parked right up front and walked in. It smelled amazing in the way only being starving and knowing there was fried food in your future could smell.

I got a booth for two and imeadietly ordered coffee and a lumberjack slam with extra hashbrowns and pancakes with fried eggs and rye toast. I got my coffee almost right away from my very nice portly waitress and sat around and waited for yuki to meet me. Instead a freshly showered and dressed in clean clothes Elliot walked in as i was getting my platter of cholestoral and delicousness. My disposition was knocked down several levels but my appetite was not and i dug into my hash browns after smothering them with tabasco and good old heines ketchup. The big guy came and sat down accross from me as I was stuffing my face, i grunted a hello without slowing my fried potato intake.

“I need to apologise about last night.” He started without any preamble “But you obviously know that until a week ago you were a persona non gratis and we were supposed to get you on site.”

he hadnt said kill right there i knew because we were in a crowded restaraunt and murder was a generaly frowned upon subject in public.

“No hard feelings El, you wouldnt have had me anyway, but that was a better go at it than most who have tried.” I said to him and grined wolfishly, staring him right in the eye. he didnt even flinch which was dissapointing, i was used to mages flinching when confronted with my heterochromatic eyes. i waved a hand at my food “I share with my friends, have some until whatever you order gets here.” he picked up a piece of rye toast and a sausage patty and doused it in tabasco, i liked him more already anyone who enjoys their food at nose running levels of heat are better people in my book.

He motioned for the waitress and she hurried over smiling a knowing smile and winked at me. “Cute breakfast date honey, what can i get for ya.” she asked elliot, he looked slightly bewildered and ordered a moon-over-my hammy with hasbrowns, coffee and orange juice. she walked away humming after pouring a cup of coffee into the cup at his setting and walked away humming.

“What was that date buissness about?” elliot asked me.

I let out a bark of laughter and answered him “I asked for a table for two expecting yuki and instead I get a big old muscled blond guy, yuki mentioned you havent been in town very long right?”

“Yup havent even been here two years yet.”

“Well let me welcome you to orlando one of the gayest cities in the world!” I said to him with a flamboyant waveing hand gesture. “Two guys haveing breakfast here is ussually sen as a date or a morning after thing.” I said smiling at him and chuckleing before tucking into more hashbrowns with eggs and bacon on top with the obligatory hot sauce.

He looked at me dumbstruck and blushing “Im not gay!” he said just a little louder than necessary and getting us a few looks from around the restaraunt. Thankfully it was at that momment that yuki walked in spotted us and walked over. she kissed the top of his head before she sat down next to him.

“I dont know El some times I worry. Morning cam” She said to us with a big smile, we had apparently made her morning.

“Remember getting kicked out of here for being to rowdy and when we kept hanging out in the parking lot they called the cops and he tried to get us for drunk and disorderly?” I said to her with a grin as the waitress came to get her order, which was coffee, fruit, english muffin and oat meal to which elliot and I had to shake our heads, who comes to dennys and tries to be healthy?

“Oh god dont remind me no fifteen year old should have that kind of hangover and get up and go to school, I hurled in the middle of bio.” she said with a shudder.

I honestly have no idea where we found the time, energy or money for all the crazy things we had done but we had probably broken both magikal and mundane laws to do it.

“So are you two done with trying to kill eachother?” she asked.

“As far as I know where playing for the same team now so I think were good.” I said, I had enough enemies an ally who was a fellow enforcer would be a good thing especially considering most of them wouldnt accept me any time soon, i had killed a few of them and for years had been in their cross hairs. Both were heavily frowned upon, the higher ups must be feeling a bit desperate if they were bringing me on board as muscle.

Elliot nodded his consent, his food had been set down and words were now quite obviously beyond him as he woffed it down. I guess hed worked up quite an appetite last night. Yuki shruged and she and i made some small talk and reminisced while i munched on my breakfast and waited for her abomination of a meal. when it arrived we got right to the buissness at hand.

“So blood lords have have some of our very dangerous toys in their hands we need it back before they can figure out how to use it, thats the gist of it right?” I asked them.

“Yup pretty much sums it up.” yuki chimed in.

“Well wait a second.” elliot said finally takeing a breather from his food. “I know blood lords are scary as hell but im fuzzy on their details didnt really have any in wyoming.he said as he spread butter on a slice of toast.

“Your from wyoming? i asked him a little incredulously.

“Yea why else do you think you got someone shipped out here? theres absolutely no threat magikaly going on in wyoming thats why my folks moved there they wanted out, after high school i wanted in, I had the ability to be an enforcer so i took the job and never looked back, at least here theres good food and women here.” he said grinning widely “Although i had been hoping for new york or L.A.” he said.

“Well sorry we aint the big city for ya boy.” I drawled at him in my best impression of a southern accent.

“Blood lords are one of the oldest enemies of the magi, they are native to our plane though so we have worked together in the past. Their basically a form of mage that fuel their castings with either their blood or someone elses, some of their rituals are pretty appaling but the average blood lord will beat the living hell out of the average mage, using blood as their catalyst instead of pure will is like haveing an after burner, more costly but more powerful. The first vampires were their familiars, summoned from some darker plane to be their slaves, they still resent it. Most blood sucking creatures you hear about were some of their constructs like the chupacabras.” I said to him, Which explained why id met one at the bar.

“Okay so whats our play here?” elliot threw out.

I was a bit stumped i didnt know where the lords might be holeing up or have any real contacts here anymore. I turned to yuki and quirked an eyebrow in question and sipped my coffee which was light and sweet because you dont drink dennys coffee for its amazing taste.

“We have a connection with a few vampires and vampyres in the community who are always looking to screw some blood lords over, i could make some calls.” She grabbed her english muffin with jam and stood up and made for the door, her phone in her left hand as she scrolled through her contacts and opened the door with her hip as she stepped outside.

“So what the hell did you do in wyoming?” I asked elliot honestly curious.

“Went to school, hunted, camped, hiked, knew the same twenty kids my whole life, my parents taught my siblings and I magik, They were crafters mainly so everything explosive i do is self taught and not quite my forte, but we have been doing some cool things lately. You know that knife i showed you last night?

Show was a mild term for almost opening someones jugular i thought. “Yea big silver hunting knife.”

“We wove anti coagulent charms and curses into it so that anything it cuts cant heal almost instantly like creeps tend to do, freaks out lycans and such who arent used to hurting for very long.”

I whistled softly, that was impresive, castings like magefire or conjured lightning could sear a wound keeping things from healing but things like blade, bludgeon and bullets didnt hurt alot of things for very long which is part of what made them so damn scary as a normal person because you probably didnt have a flame thrower or the mother of all tazers in your back pocket.

“Any other cool toys youve made?” i asked a little eagerly, you could never have enough cool toys.

“Something weve been working on is anti magik body armour, like a flak jacket for magik.” he replied.

“Hows that work?”

“Like a flak jacket for magik” He grinned “an actual military grade bullet proof vest is the starting point with strategic platting against bullets, rubber woven into the kevlar to reduce damage if you get lightning thrown at you, fire resistant mundanely and magikly, Really tough jeans and a a long sleeved shirt made of something similar to under armor that go through a similar process and than the whole set has deflection charms over it to help blows and bullets glance off, weve started putting it in the field and its already saved enforcers on three continents.” He finished getting pretty into it by the end obviously passionate about what his family was crafting.

Definetly news to me, im glad i hadnt run into anyone with that on while i was on the run, it would have made it alot harder to kill one of them. an enforcer by themself was scary and dangerous, armoured up was down right terrifying.

“I thought your family got out, why did you move to butt fuck nowhere.”

elliots mood was immeadietly dampened “You dont get out of the circle you know that, we make things for them in order not to be an active part of all the violence and politics, or at least they do. Im kind of the black sheep right now.”

Sombering as it was it was true, you didnt get out of the circle once you were a part of it you had signed yourself and quite probably your decendants up for life. It was a good thing yuki walked back in when she did because it would have probably been the start of some circle trash talking which was very frowned upon by the bosses.

“Finish up, were going down town to talk to a contact who thinks he has an idea where the lords might be hanging out.” she said pocketing her smart phone.

“Who are we going to meet?” elliot asked looking like he knew the answer but didnt particularly like it.

“We have to go see August, Cam hes a prick so dont start anything with him he could make your life rather uncomfortable.” yuki responded turning her gaze to me.

“Hey, hey, hey I dont start things that often itll be fine, who is he?”

“Hes a vampyre lord whos also the deputy mayor, has his fingers in a lot of pies, part owner of the orlando sentinel and one of the VIP’s in the community, pretty much every vamp in the south east is his bitch as hes a marquess of the brood but hes some what allied with the circle.” she listed off going calm and cold as she readied for official business.

Well shit i wasnt exactly fond of vamps and the brood probably didnt like me all that much ever since id wiped out a nest in prague. I finished my coffee in a long drag and stood up, what was left on my plate was now entirely unappetizing now knowing the business ahead.

“Well no time like the presesnt i guess ill follow you over.”

W walked out side and they jumped in yukis rather new looking corolla and i hoped on my harley and lit a camal and we headed towards I4 which at about eleven thirty was pretty much empty and i was thankful for the states lack of helmet laws even though i should probably wear one for our meeting.


We got to city hall and as we walked in I immediately felt out of place surrounded by suits and ties. Im about six foot one and muscular from years of traveling with everything i owned on my back and working for places to stay, dirty blond hair that was deffinetly longer than proffesional and a three day beard dressed in cat boots jeans and a State Radio t-shirt, and it all earned me stares from the many orlando functionaries walking by probably thinking i was there to protest and rolling their eyes and muttering. Even Yuki and elliot were suddenly nicer looking than i was and i felt stupid, appearances are everything as its said.

I started to mutter under my breath as Yuki went to speak to the receptionist who gave me a dissaproving look as she took me in behind my company.

“A clean shave for the first time in days.” i sang softly for a few seconds repeating it in a slow caddence and my beard fell away like it was never there my face suddenly smooth, “If I was wearing a shirt and tie I would look rather fly.” I rhymed over and over for a momment and a white shirt and black tie suddenly apeared over me. Id figured out tricks like that while travelling its very useful to be able to shave in less than 10 seconds and wear an illusion of any clothing when you dont have a lot of room for anything in a back pack.

The receptionist put her phone down and looked back at us, suprise playing over her face as i suddenly looked half respectable. “Mr. August will see you all now.” she said looking confused. we thanked her and walked away leaving her perplexed.

We got in an ellevator and elliot hit a button for the 20th floor. “Nice trick there but maybe next time dont do it in the lobby.” elliot said to me simultaneously amused and disaproving.

I shrugged “People in there were trying not to pay attention to me i was so standoutish and than in fifteen seconds i blended right in, you guys are wearing illusions so its not a problem.” I said makeing it clear that it wasnt and we rode the rest of the way in silence. I didnt particularly care if they didnt approve of how i opperated including doing things like working illusions blatantly in front of thirty some odd people, but most of them actively try not to see wonder and magic in the world anyway and how i had been doing things had kept me alive and mostly well for years against all odds so i wasnt about to start playing by all the rules now.

We stepped out of the elevator and walked purposefully down a hall of offices and cubicles until we came to the end and walked right past a receptionist whom yuki nodded at as we walked by her into an office labled Rush August.

February 4th, 2013, 04:21 AM

I don't know that anyone will read the entire thing, let alone critique it.

From the first sentence I have to ask why I would want to read something that the author hasn't put any effort into writing. If you want serious comments then try making this readable first, and then posting a smaller sample than 25 pages. If someone isn't even willing to capitalise 'I' or the words at the start of a new sentence, then I have nothing to offer them.

February 4th, 2013, 05:01 AM
hmm almost like someone posted in the beginning that they weren't to interested in the editing yet, and there was indeed effort put into writing this which i think you would have realized if you had read very much of it at all, ill do the editing since apparently such a big deal and repost it, but i believe "constructive" comments are expected here, such as on the plot, character development, world building, dialogue and descriptions etc. which is what i was looking for i was looking to see if there was any interest in the idea before i spent time on the monotony of editing. i would really appreciate some comments on the parts i mentioned as they are what make a story I thought this was some place to share ideas not a polished and completed work.

February 4th, 2013, 05:03 AM
also 25 pages is really a lot? lol

February 4th, 2013, 05:22 AM
As far as my comments on this site go, they are no different from what you would get from an English teacher. Regardless of the content, I am looking at grammar, spelling, punctuation, style, flow, and a whole myriad of things to do with the prose itself. Plot and prose aren't mutually exclusive in the critiquing world, so you can't claim to hate editing and just leave it at that. Before I can give you critique on plot and characters, I have to be able to make it fast the first paragraph without groaning at the lack of effort put into using the language correctly.

Have a look at the length of some of the other stuff posted for an idea on what people are willing to read. You have posted what looks to be upwards of 10,000 words which is massive for a site like this where people read and critique excerpts. At least include a warning in the thread title for long content.

February 4th, 2013, 07:09 AM
hmm almost like someone posted in the beginning that they weren't to interested in the editing yet, and there was indeed effort put into writing this which i think you would have realized if you had read very much of it at all, ill do the editing since apparently such a big deal and repost it, but i believe "constructive" comments are expected here, such as on the plot, character development, world building, dialogue and descriptions etc. which is what i was looking for i was looking to see if there was any interest in the idea before i spent time on the monotony of editing. i would really appreciate some comments on the parts i mentioned as they are what make a story I thought this was some place to share ideas not a polished and completed work.

In my humble opinion, I wouldn't lash out so quickly at suggestions to edit. If you came here for constructive criticisms, then take them as they are. We are not forcing you to edit your work, but I think you'll find that going back through your work can make it better, and it can be fun in the process. I've recently undertaking a project to rewrite my entire book, and it's been a blast.

If you don't want to edit, then at least shorten the length of what you post. I would be more inclined to read it then, and could offer more specific and detailed comments on your work. Just my two cents.

February 4th, 2013, 07:35 AM
I read the first chapter and I like some of the ideas you've got going as well as the POV character (he seems like a massive bastard, but in a good way!) and you really get inside his head and bring him to life. A hefty edit would benefit your work greatly, it's unbelievable how much better the look and general flow of a narrative becomes once it's got all its bits in the correct places. Well done for sticking with the story and writing so much but if you are looking for more a more detailed crit then I recommend posting only a chapter or two at a time. Some of the ladies and gentlemen on these forums do excellent and detailed critiques but when there's so much to get through, I can imagine it's daunting even for them. I'll try give something a little more hands on in future if time permits.

February 4th, 2013, 02:29 PM
thanks ill do the editing today after class and repost it in three parts