View Full Version : Labyrinth of Revolution (YA/Science Fiction) Overview & Chapter 1

February 1st, 2013, 11:06 PM

This is a new project for me. For those who responded to my idea before, some things have changed. Below is a general overview of what will happen, minus a lot of the plot points and characters. I also added my first chapter. Nothing much happens, but it sets the mood and shows that the main characters is basically a punching bag in a sence. Don't worry! He will do great things!

Let me know what you think, and please offer suggestions.


The world is now lead by one entity, the Continental Order, founded during the last World War over two hundred years ago. After two hundred years of digging, thousands of miles of tunnels - nick named “The Labyrinth” - have been weaved under the earth’s surface. It began as a way to give low income families jobs by supplying the rich people more building material, but it soon became a way to force labor and families into the hole they dug, making more room for those worthy on the surface.

There had been rebellions from the, tunnel dwellers, referred to as the Labyrinth people. Many lives taken on both sides, until one day the Continental Order decreed that all but a few entrances to the tunnels be sealed, and what remained upon be highly guarded. The people who defy the Order or have become a low standing citizen are forced to wander the maze with nothing but a flashlight. If they reach the other exit, then they are free. No one has ever made it.

Jake, the main character of the story is on the verge of falling out of good standing with the government, not to his own fault. His parents are struggling, and problems with bullies (That happen to be among the highest forms of citizens) at his school has left him one mark from being sent off to the tunnels and a life of labor. One day an army of Labyrinth people emerged, overthrowing the Order in a matter of days, and staking claim as the new world order. As a punishment for the surface peoples cruelty, one child per family is forced into the Labyrinth, and their family offered a pardon if the child is able to escape from their underground prison. Armed with only a flashlight, Jake must battle through the secrets of the labyrinth on a journey that unfolds to be more than just his survival, but the lives of millions. He has two weeks. Can he make it?

Labyrinth of Revolution

Chapter 1: The Narrow, But Unfortunate, Escape

Jake’s back slammed against the locker as he struggled to hold his ground.

Maurice Peirce snickered with amusement as he rubbed his beefy hands together.

“What’s wrong Jakey?” Maurice taunted his prey. “These shoes cost more than your house. Best watch where you’re steppin’ from now on.”

“You tripped me,” Jake replied in a low voice, already regretting his response. “How was I supposed to NOT step on your shoes?”

Maurice took a threatening step forward, eyes narrowing that someone of Jake’s low standard dared to challenge him. The pampered high school football star stood over six feet tall, with short, sandy blonde hair. His family was among the top tier when it came to the Continental Orders standards, which Jake thought was total bull.

“Come on, man,” one of Maurice’s lackeys named Seth sneered. “We’ll get him at PE. It’s dodge ball I hear….And there will be a substitute.”

Maurice stopped his advance and straightened up, lacing his hands on his hips. A big, cheesy smile formed across his face that made Jake cringe.

“Oh really?” Maurice asked Maurice, looking over his shoulder at Seth. “Where’d you hear that?”

“I overheard old man McPherson complaining about being put on PE duty yesterday.” Seth gives a creepy grin of satisfaction and nods his head. “Apparently he thinks dodge ball will be safer than flag football.”

Jake recalled the last time McPherson filled in as the PE teacher. The poor soul had no idea what he was in for when he agreed to take over the class for the week. All started off fine. A few bloody noses and black eyes caused by none other than Maurice and his goons playing “Pin the baseball to your face”. After four afternoons in the gym, which by the way felt like going to war, McPherson had the brilliant idea of playing flag football. He split up the teams, and luckily Jake was on Maurice’s team. Unfortunately, ten minutes into the game, it was Maurice and his five cohorts against everyone else. We didn’t stand a chance. Flags were just for looks. The ball was just a projectile used against those who were able to temporarily outrun Maurice and his gang. Jake, despite being among the lower rank at the school, was well built and was decent at sports, given he had the chance to show off.

As Jake bobbed and weaved through the onslaught of the tackling and kids on the ground in the fetal position, he was able to make his way over to McPherson who was admiring the bloodbath. Despite Jakes pleas, the substitute just ignored him as he gave small cheers each time some unfortunate kid was slammed into submission.

Like a sign from above, the football rolled feet away from Jake. At first he thought one of the terrible six would come to retrieve their projectile and spot Jake in the process. To Jake’s relief, no one paid him or the ball any mind. Now that the field was weeded out of the easy target, the team of six now battle against the surviving players who actually had some fight left in the. One of the few “good guys” was a well built guy named Ronald. Ronald never talked much - in fact Jake could not recall ever hearing him speak at all - and never seemed at all interested in sports. To Jake’s amazement, Ronald broke into heated run towards one of the goons, slamming into him from the back. Maurice’s witnessed this and his smile began to melt into snarl. He hated lower class people making any sort of action towards people like him, with the exception of maybe bringing him a soda.

The group of five fanned out and began to advance toward Ronald, planning their attack. Ronald held his ground as the remaining kids drug themselves off the field. Maybe it was because he admired what the guy just did, but Jake went forward almost without thinking and grabbed the football. He cradled it in his right hand as he drew his arm back and took aim. The ball arced and spun through the air with pinpoint accuracy until it made contact with the side of Maurice’s face.

Maurice’s stumbled to the side and grabbed the side of his face in pain. Jakes heart sunk as Maurice recovered a fraction of a second later, his eyes now locked on Jake. No words were spoken, but Jake knew he was dead. The five formed a line and began advancing at a rapid speed until they were in a thunderous sprint towards a hopeless Jake. The only thought that went through Jakes mind was to hunch into a fetal position and hope that the stampede wouldn’t be able to see him. That’s exactly what Jake did just as the feral animal lunged in a U shaped formation…right over him and into McPherson. Jake stood stunned for a few seconds as turned and watched the five idiots wrestle with the old man, finally realizing they got the wrong person. They looked around stupidly until they noticed that Jake was still standing, unharmed and with a blank expression on his face. All at once, they began to stumble over each other as they tried to stand. Jake didn’t waste another second and bolted towards the stone school building, looking back only when he was only a few hundred yards away. Not to his desire, Maurice and his goons were gaining on him with surprising speed. Maurice’s face already swelling so much his left eye wasn’t visible.

Just as Jake reached the glass doors and prepared to open them, he felt five out of sync bodies slam him into the glass hard enough to make the reinforced glass creak (Or maybe it was Jake ribs). The impacted shook the whole building, luckily, causing frantic teachers to poke their heads outside of their rooms to see what was going on. A few of the teachers came running towards the bundle of students squished onto the door, Jake’s face plastered to the glass. Again, to Jake’s luck, his pursuers were as just as out of breath as he was, and they were too busy staying on their feet to do any more damage to Jake.

McPherson ended up with a few broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder, Maurice’s face was swollen for a week, and Jake somehow ended up with detention for a month and a mark on his transcript for causing a public disturbance. Other than that, Maurice and his goons got off scot free. But that was just the beginning of Jake’s hell. Maurice goes out of his way to make sure that Jake has no peaceful moment when he’s at school. In fact, somehow Maurice has somehow managed to get Jake in trouble a total of three times, not to Jakes own fault. One more mark on his record and he will be kicked out of school and forced into the quarries until he has fulfilled his usefulness. Jakes parents will also be penalized as well, and they are already on thin ice as it is.

Jake snaps back from the brutal flashback, Maurice’s eyes now sizing him up for slaughter.

“I guess I can finish you of then,” Maurice said with big smile like he just thought of the best way to torture Jake one last time. “It’s kind of sad I want have someone to use as my punching bag once you and your poor family are forced to work in the tunnels. Well, that’s not true; I have your mute buddy to have fun with.”

Maurice and his gang erupted in laughter as they turned walk away, spouting off all of the ways he was going massacre Jake with the firm, red ball.

Luckily for Jake, and at the same time, most unfortunately, PE would never come, and Jake would not be pummeled by the blonde ogre.

February 18th, 2013, 07:43 PM
If the important part of this story takes place in the past, why not just begin in the past? If it's not important, why expend so much effort bringing it to the reader's attention?

February 20th, 2013, 09:26 PM
If the important part of this story takes place in the past, why not just begin in the past? If it's not important, why expend so much effort bringing it to the reader's attention?

I am not sure if you are talking about the overview? The overview is not part of the story. It starts at chapter 1, and what i contained in the general overview will be explained bit by bit as the story goes on.

If you are talking about the "flashback" of flag football, it would be very long and drawn out, as there is nothing I want to portray in between. Chapter 2 will begin at the same pace as chapter 1, then about halfway through make a sudden step into chaos. Chapter 1 seems like the best time to show the rivelry between the two characters, which will be explained a bit more in depth later on.

I hope that answers your question. Any advise would be appreciated!

February 21st, 2013, 02:03 AM
No, I wasn't referring to the overview.

Everyone wants to write flashbacks at least once or twice. Maybe everyone *has to* write flashbacks at least once or twice. The truth is, though, that they aren't particularly useful except when it comes to jerking the reader's chain.

If the football scene is important, actually *include* it in the story. First of all, that saves you the effort of writing things like, "He remembered," and "He was jerked back to the present." Second, that saves the reader feeling cheated because, for the next X paragraphs after "He remembered," the story isn't actually *moving forward.* Don't fool yourself into thinking that, if you write chronologically, you have to write every event that takes place in between one important scene in the next. You don't.

So, anyway, on to my advice: get your flashbacks out of your system and then get serious about the writing process. The need to write a flashback, if that's what you're feeling, is more likely just the need for better planning, or to be more careful in deciding what part of the story you need to work on and in what order. If your flashback isn't answering a question the reader has been asking for a long time, it probably oughtn't be a flashback at all.