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View Full Version : Averil's Story 2503 words lesson 8 of a writing course



cassie30
January 29th, 2013, 03:41 AM
On June 5, 1951 at Catholic Memorial Hospital Edward and June March had a baby girl they named her Averil Marie March. When she was five she met Kyle Stewart at school. Later that day she met one-year-old Stella Sue Jones at the playground.

1956: Averil loves her life. Kyle is her best friend. Stella is the cutest baby she ever saw. She just loved playing dress up with baby Stella. When they played dress up her mom came into the room and said what a mess dear. She always made sure Stella had a smile on her face. To make sure Stella smiled she would tickle her.

When she played with Kyle she played games like cops and robbers or cowboys and Indians. When she played cops and robbers I made a gun with my hand. For cowboys and Indians she would pick up a stick and use it as a spear. She loved them both dearly. Sometimes Kyle would join them in the dress up game.
As time went on Kyle, Stella and Averil became the best of friends. One day Kyle stood up for both Stella, and Averil, which drew us together as friends.

1961: As Stella, Kyle, and Averil get out of Kyleís mom car we noticed a huge sign over the school door that said ďSchool Dance Tonight.Ē At the dance the boys were on one side of the room and the girls were on the other side. At the dance Averil met Stellaís older brother Jim Bob Jones for the first time. She walked over to Jim Bob and asked him to dance. He was eleven and she was ten. Jim Bob said yes to her. In the background Kyle was disappointed. He always thought she would dance with him. Stella glared at my back as Averil walked away with Jim Bob.

From that first dance Averil began to date Jim Bob. The more she saw Jim Bob the more Stella grew jealous toward her. How could Averil her best friend steal her favorite brother from her? Unbeknownst to me Stella had a plot to keep us apart. Stella wanted Jim Bobís attention all for herself.

Every chance she got Stella invited herself and Kyle on a date with Jim Bob and Averil. Being good-natured Jim Bob allowed his sister to join us on most occasions. When Stella had the chance to join the she did everything in her power to make Averil miserable. However nothing seemed to work. She always had a smile on her face. The more she smiled the more annoyed Stella became.

One day Averil talked to Jim Bob about Stella and her joining them on our dates. Jim Bob quickly agreed Stella was becoming a nuisance. Later that day Jim Bob talked to Stella. Reluctantly Stella agreed to leave Jim Bob alone with Averil. Nothing made Stella more furious with Averil than that.

1969: Jim Bob is thinking about suicide since Stella is driving him nuts. He used to adore Stella but something changed when he began to date Averil . With when and how decided he wrote a note to his parents.

Dear Mom and Dad,
As of June 7, 1969 I am going on a date with my one true love Averil March to force myself to choke to death. I hate to do this. I donít want to deal my younger sister Stella or her schemes anymore. Even though I know Averil will try to help me I am going to stop her. I am sorry I have to do this.
Your loving child,
Jim Bob
Jim Bob

Two days later as planned the two of us headed for Chicken and Biscuit Restaurant for our date. But what Averil didnít know was Jim Bob planned to kill himself. She didnít realize that his plan was to tell me when he began to choke to death. Although others and Averil tried to help he refused the help. The deed was done Jim Bob was dead. It was all Stellaís fault. Stella refused to believe Jim Bob was dead and it was her fault. She blamed Averil for the death of her beloved brother. Meanwhile Averil worked at the local Kmart for about a month. On June 16, 1969 I graduated from Simi Valley Vo-Tech with honors.

On October 15, 1974 Averil quits Kmart after five and half years. From October 15, 1974 to January 21, 1975 Averil was unemployed. While still unemployed she began to date a guy named Eric Dahl. Even though he was twelve years older than her they hit off well. On January 21, 1975 I started her first day at New Albertsonís INC. Shortly thereafter Averilís depression began to set in on her. Also one month later on February 21, 1975 Eric and Averil broke up. The break up devastated her since it was the day before the anniversary of her Grandma Marchís death. She had died six years before hand.

It was then Averil met Marwin Toney. She liked him from the start. Marwin was four inches taller than her. Over his smoky brown eyes he wore glasses. He had the most gorgeous brown hair that she would have loved to run my fingers through. His dark chocolate skin shinned as he stood in the light of the store.

After dating for seven years on May 5, 1982 Marwin and Averil were married. Averil invited Kyle and Stella to her wedding. They both said yes they would come. Stella sat in the corner and brooded over her marriage. By this time Stella had hated Averil for at least thirteen years if not more. As she walked down the aisle of the Kingdom Hall Stella had gun poised and ready. But something made her stop in mid-aim. Stella couldnít go through with it. She vowed Averil would pay for the death of her brother Jim Bob. On June 1, 1983 I gave birth to triplets whom Averil named Jonathan Jacob, Timothy James, and William Robert Toney.

Marwin was born on July 4, 1955 to Marvin and Marie Toney at St. Peterís University Hospital. They named him Marwin James Toney. On my first day of kindergarten Marwin made friends with a girl named Sara Mae and a boy named Robert John. I made friends rather easily with Sara and Robert. However in 1961 I moved from New Brunswick, New Jersey to Fresno, California.

In California I made friends with a girl named Rebecca Angel. We did everything together from sharing our lunches to sharing our first kiss. Although Marwin often wrote his friends back in Jersey he missed his friendship with Sara and Robert the most. At the age of ten Marwin began to date Rebecca. The first movie they saw as a couple was Disneyís 101 Dalmatians. During that movie was when they shared their first kiss. They thought it was love.

In 1969 Rebecca moved from Fresno, California to New Brunswick New Jersey into Marwinís old house. The move ended their relationship. At the age of fourteen Marwin began to date a girl named Crystal Marie. Crystal didnít like movies much so instead they went to a Beatles concert. When the Beatles sang their song Yellow Submarine Crystal leaned into me and gave him the second best kiss of his life.

In 1973 Marwin joined New Albertsonís INC as a cashier. New Albertsonís Inc. was the name of the food store in which he worked. Marwin was eighteen years old and he had my first job. After I graduated high school Marwin decided to go to local community college in Fresno.

Two years later Averil March joined New Albertsonís INC. Marwin liked Averil right away. He liked to stare at her. When Marwin did he took in every detail. For example, he liked the way her blonde hair shinned in the light of the store. Her skin looked like light tea and her hazel green eyes shone bright when she smiled. Marwin asked her on a date; she agreed.

Their first date was magical. First they went to dinner at the Popples Restaurant. Then they went to a concert in the park where an unknown band played. One song they played was called Romance. During Romance Marwin asked Averil to dance? They danced through the rest of the concert. After the concert Marwin took Averil home in his bright red Ford Mustang. Marwin walked her to the front porch where we kissed good-bye.

Year after year they became more intimate with each other. After dating for seven years Marwin asked her in front of everyone at New Albertsonís Inc. asked Averil to marry him. Shocked and happy Averil said yes!
Kyle was born on May 5, 1951 to James and Mary Stewart at Catholic Memorial Hospital. They named him Kyle James Stewart. On Kyleís first day of school he met a girl named Averil March. I fell in love with her instantly.

As Kyle played with Averil he often saw her staring at him. One day Averil stopped and asked him to play a describing game with her; he agreed. As she looked at him his smiling blue eyes stared back at her. Kyle ran his hands through his wavy brown hair when I was nervous; which was often. His skin was the color of medium tea. What are you describing I asked Averil. You; you silly billy she replied.

By 1969 Kyle was dating Stella whom he met through Averil. For their first date Stella invited him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Secretly Kyle hoped Averil would ask him to dance. Stella loved me but Kyle loved Averil.

One thing stood in his way Jim Bob Jones Stellaís older brother. Kyle often thought what he has that I donít. Heís always stuck with the leftovers he thought. The more Kyle thought the more he wanted Jim Bob out of the picture, but how to do it was the question.

Then it happened Jim Bob committed suicide. It was the perfect opportunity for Kyle to go after Averil. At the funeral he consoled Averil instead of Stella. This made Stella mad at Averil. His plan was working any minute now she would be his. But despite my efforts Averil wasnít ready to date anyone especially Kyle.

After Kyle struck out at the funeral he hatched a plan to get Averil. Step one buys her flowers every day. Send her candy every other day. If all else fails send her love letters confessing of his love. If that fails give up. Kyle hoped it never came to give up.

Unbeknownst to Kyle Averil was dating a guy named Eric Canavera. One day she ran into Kyle and told him to please stop sending her flowers and candy and that she had a boyfriend. Kyle was brought to tears. Finally he gave up and went back with Stella. In 1982 Stella and Kyle marry. Having had time to heal Kyle invited Averil and Marwin to his wedding.

Stella Jones was born April 7, 1955 to Charles and Crystal Jones at the Catholic Memorial Hospital. Their first-born was born four years earlier.
Stella was a beautiful baby. Her crown of golden locks made her seem even more ethereal as it lay against her white skin. When she smiled her brown eyes shinned. One-year-old Stella met five year old Averil and five year old Kyle at the playground. Averil pushed Stella on the swing while Kyle stood nearby. Averil just loved playing with baby Stella. As she grew Stella grew to love Averil.

At the age of five Stella invited nine-year-old Averil to her birthday party. When Averil turned he down Stella became furious. She vowed to make Averilís life miserable. By the time Stella was ten she had done many things to Averil; such as putting gum in her hair. Despite all this Averil still loved Stella. Stella grew even angrier when Averil just let her do these mean things to her.

In 1969 when Stella attended her first Sadie Hawkins Dance with Kyle Stewart, she plotted to keep Averil from her older brother Jim Bob. When that didnít work she went with them on their dates. When that didnít work she vowed to kill Averil at the first opportunity.

Years came and years went and still no opportunity to kill Averil. The plan was simple; buy a gun, buy the bullets, load the gun, aim at Averil, shoot the gun and then the deed was done. In between all this plotting and scheming she was dating Kyle Stewart. She didnít really love him like he loved her. She just couldnít see herself with anyone but him. Even though they broke up briefly she still had feelings for Kyle.

Then her opportunity came she was invited to Averilís wedding. What better place to kill her than her own wedding. But on the day wedding gun aimed and ready she couldnít bring herself to do the deed.

On June 1, 1982 Stella and Kyle where married at St. Bartís Church in Fresno, California. One year later Stella gave birth to twins who were still born. She named them Charles John and Romeo Carlin Stewart. Their untimely death and the life Averilís new born gave Stella an awful idea.

The plan was to take two of Averilís children from her and raise them as her own. That would teach Averil to mess with her. Step one go to the maternity ward two days later and claim Timothy and William are Charles John and Romeo Carlin and leave the hospital with them. Step two if the nurses gave her a hard time she would claim they were mistaken and itís really Timothy and William that were still born. Step three she would leave the hospital with them and change their names Jimmy John and Kristopher James Stewart. Step four she would pretend to adopt them. Step five when they asked why theyíre so different from their two siblings they are told they were adopted so they donít suspect they were stolen from their parents at birth.

But before all that can take place Stella has another plan to do first. Step one she gets Kyle to get her some nurseís uniforms. Step two goes to the office where the birth and death records are kept. Step three makes sure all the office personnel are out of the office. Step four sneaks into the office. Step five burns all records of the birth of Timothy and William along with the death records of Charles and Romeo.

Everything goes according to plan expect one minor detail she forgot to put out the fire. It spread throughout the maternity ward. Thankfully the hospital was able to contain the fire before it spread into the other wings of the hospital. The hospital also managed to save its maternity ward patients. At home Stella was taking care of the twins she stole from Averil. Meanwhile Averil was devastated to learn Timothy and William were still born.


I hope you enjoy.

cassie30
February 1st, 2013, 01:41 AM
Any comments at all

CharlieParker82
February 1st, 2013, 02:07 AM
At the beginning you start in third person but then write in first person when you talk about her making the gun with her hand "I". You do this quite a bit, is this intentional?

When Jim Bob goes to kill himself, it kind of comes out of left field. Seemed contrived, a little over the top.

I presume this is a first draft. It needs a good rewrite.

The bit where Stella goes to shoot her! Who are these people! First she tortures her brother to the point he kills him self (by choking on food to death) now she's about to shoot a woman on her wedding day. She's not very nice is she!

Wow. Such melodrama. I don't know if the character of Stella is very believable Why is she so deranged I mean thats normal behavior, is it?

What are you trying to achieve with this piece? It was different, more like a synopsis.

cassie30
February 1st, 2013, 02:50 AM
No it's not normal behavior. Now I have a silly question but what is a synopsis?

CharlieParker82
February 1st, 2013, 03:05 AM
a brief summary of overall plot

cassie30
February 1st, 2013, 03:26 AM
Okay thank you. I seem to have this problem where I try to cram too much into a short story for this short story course I'm taking. I've been told my short stories read more like novels in progress.

cassie30
February 6th, 2013, 03:32 AM
On June 5, 1951 at Catholic Memorial Hospital Edward and June March had a baby girl they named her Averil Marie March. When she was five she met Kyle Stewart at school. Later that day she met one-year-old Stella Sue Jones at the playground.

1956: Averil loves her life. Kyle is her best friend. Stella is the cutest baby she ever saw. She just loved playing dress up with baby Stella. When they played dress up her mom came into the room and said what a mess dear. She always made sure Stella had a smile on her face. To make sure Stella smiled she would tickle her.

When she played with Kyle she played games like cops and robbers or cowboys and Indians. When she played cops and robbers I made a gun with my hand. For cowboys and Indians she would pick up a stick and use it as a spear. She loved them both dearly. Sometimes Kyle would join them in the dress up game. As time went on Kyle, Stella and Averil became the best of friends. One day Kyle stood up for both Stella, and Averil, which drew us together as friends.

1965: As Stella, Kyle, and Averil get out of Kyle’s mom car we noticed a huge sign over the school door that said “School Dance Tonight.” At the dance the boys were on one side of the room and the girls were on the other side.

At the dance Averil met Stella’s older brother Jim Bob Jones for the first time. She walked over to Jim Bob and asked him to dance. He was fifteen and she was fourteen. Jim Bob said yes to her. In the background Kyle was disappointed. He always thought she would dance with him. Stella glared at my back as Averil walked away with Jim Bob. But before they walked away Jim Bob asked Stella what she doing at the dance anyway she was only ten? In reply Stella said aren’t you supposed to be watching me Jim Bob?

From that first dance Averil began to date Jim Bob. The more she saw Jim Bob the more Stella grew jealous toward her. How could Averil her best friend steal her favorite brother from her? Unbeknownst to me Stella had a plot to keep us apart. Stella wanted Jim Bob’s attention all for herself.

Every chance she got Stella invited herself and Kyle on a date with Jim Bob and Averil. Being good-natured Jim Bob allowed his sister to join us on most occasions. When Stella had the chance to join the she did everything in her power to make Averil miserable. However nothing seemed to work. She always had a smile on her face. The more she smiled the more annoyed Stella became.

One day Averil talked to Jim Bob about Stella and her joining them on our dates. Jim Bob quickly agreed Stella was becoming a nuisance. Later that day Jim Bob talked to Stella. Reluctantly Stella agreed to leave Jim Bob alone with Averil. Nothing made Stella more furious with Averil than that.

1969: It all started with that “School dance” in 1965 with Stella following him everywhere he went. One day she even followed him into the bathroom while he in there peeing how rude. When she was five she did that and it was cute but the older Stella got the clingier she became of Jim Bob. This in turn annoyed him. Which then lead to him to the road he was about to take.

Jim Bob is thinking about suicide since Stella is driving him nuts. He used to adore Stella but something changed when he began to date Averil. With when and how decided he wrote a note to his parents.
Dear Mom and Dad,
As of June 7, 1969 I am going on a date with my one true love Averil March to force myself to choke to death. I hate to do this. I don’t want to deal my younger sister Stella or her schemes anymore. Even though I know Averil will try to help me I am going to stop her. I am sorry I have to do this.
Your loving child,
Jim Bob
Jim Bob

Two days later as planned the two of us headed for Chicken and Biscuit Restaurant for our date. But what Averil didn’t know was Jim Bob planned to kill himself. She didn’t realize that his plan was to tell me when he began to choke to death. Although others and Averil tried to help he refused the help. The deed was done Jim Bob was dead. It was all Stella’s fault. Stella refused to believe Jim Bob was dead and it was her fault. She blamed Averil for the death of her beloved brother. Meanwhile Averil worked at the local Kmart for about a month. On June 16, 1969 I graduated from Simi Valley Vo-Tech with honors.

On October 15, 1974 Averil quits Kmart after five and half years. From October 15, 1974 to January 21, 1975 Averil was unemployed. While still unemployed she began to date a guy named Eric Dahl. Even though he was twelve years older than her they hit off well. On January 21, 1975 I started her first day at New Albertson’s INC. Shortly thereafter Averil’s depression began to set in on her. Also one month later on February 21, 1975 Eric and Averil broke up. The break up devastated her since it was the day before the anniversary of her Grandma March’s death. She had died six years before hand.

It was then Averil met Marwin Toney. She liked him from the start. Marwin was four inches taller than her. Over his smoky brown eyes he wore glasses. He had the most gorgeous brown hair that she would have loved to run my fingers through. His dark chocolate skin shinned as he stood in the light of the store.

After dating for seven years on May 5, 1982 Marwin and Averil were married. Averil invited Kyle and Stella to her wedding. They both said yes they would come. Stella sat in the corner and brooded over her marriage. By this time Stella had hated Averil for at least thirteen years if not more. As she walked down the aisle of the Kingdom Hall Stella had gun poised and ready. But something made her stop in mid-aim. Stella couldn’t go through with it. She vowed Averil would pay for the death of her brother Jim Bob. On June 1, 1983 I gave birth to triplets whom Averil named Jonathan Jacob, Timothy James, and William Robert Toney.

Marwin was born on July 4, 1955 to Marvin and Marie Toney at St. Peter’s University Hospital. They named him Marwin James Toney. On my first day of kindergarten Marwin made friends with a girl named Sara Mae and a boy named Robert John. I made friends rather easily with Sara and Robert. However in 1961 I moved from New Brunswick, New Jersey to Fresno, California.

In California I made friends with a girl named Rebecca Angel. We did everything together from sharing our lunches to sharing our first kiss. Although Marwin often wrote his friends back in Jersey he missed his friendship with Sara and Robert the most. At the age of ten Marwin began to date Rebecca. The first movie they saw as a couple was Disney’s 101 Dalmatians. During that movie was when they shared their first kiss. They thought it was love.

In 1969 Rebecca moved from Fresno, California to New Brunswick New Jersey into Marwin’s old house. The move ended their relationship. At the age of fourteen Marwin began to date a girl named Crystal Marie. Crystal didn’t like movies much so instead they went to a Beatles concert. When the Beatles sang their song Yellow Submarine Crystal leaned into me and gave him the second best kiss of his life.

In 1973 Marwin joined New Albertson’s INC as a cashier. New Albertson’s Inc. was the name of the food store in which he worked. Marwin was eighteen years old and he had my first job. After I graduated high school Marwin decided to go to local community college in Fresno.

Two years later Averil March joined New Albertson’s INC. Marwin liked Averil right away. He liked to stare at her. When Marwin did he took in every detail. For example, he liked the way her blonde hair shinned in the light of the store. Her skin looked like light tea and her hazel green eyes shone bright when she smiled. Marwin asked her on a date; she agreed.

Their first date was magical. First they went to dinner at the Popples Restaurant. Then they went to a concert in the park where an unknown band played. One song they played was called Romance. During Romance Marwin asked Averil to dance? They danced through the rest of the concert. After the concert Marwin took Averil home in his bright red Ford Mustang. Marwin walked her to the front porch where we kissed good-bye.

Year after year they became more intimate with each other. After dating for seven years Marwin asked her in front of everyone at New Albertson’s Inc. asked Averil to marry him. Shocked and happy Averil said yes!

Kyle was born on May 5, 1951 to James and Mary Stewart at Catholic Memorial Hospital. They named him Kyle James Stewart. On Kyle’s first day of school he met a girl named Averil March. I fell in love with her instantly.

As Kyle played with Averil he often saw her staring at him. One day Averil stopped and asked him to play a describing game with her; he agreed. As she looked at him his smiling blue eyes stared back at her. Kyle ran his hands through his wavy brown hair when I was nervous; which was often. His skin was the color of medium tea. What are you describing I asked Averil. You; you silly billy she replied.

By 1969 Kyle was dating Stella whom he met through Averil. For their first date Stella invited him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Secretly Kyle hoped Averil would ask him to dance. Stella loved me but Kyle loved Averil.

One thing stood in his way Jim Bob Jones Stella’s older brother. Kyle often thought what he has that I don’t. He’s always stuck with the leftovers he thought. The more Kyle thought the more he wanted Jim Bob out of the picture, but how to do it was the question.

Then it happened Jim Bob committed suicide. It was the perfect opportunity for Kyle to go after Averil. At the funeral he consoled Averil instead of Stella. This made Stella mad at Averil. His plan was working any minute now she would be his. But despite my efforts Averil wasn’t ready to date anyone especially Kyle.

After Kyle struck out at the funeral he hatched a plan to get Averil. Step one buys her flowers every day. Send her candy every other day. If all else fails send her love letters confessing of his love. If that fails give up. Kyle hoped it never came to give up.

Unbeknownst to Kyle Averil was dating a guy named Eric Canavera. One day she ran into Kyle and told him to please stop sending her flowers and candy and that she had a boyfriend. Kyle was brought to tears. Finally he gave up and went back with Stella. In 1982 Stella and Kyle marry. Having had time to heal Kyle invited Averil and Marwin to his wedding.

Stella Jones was born April 7, 1955 to Charles and Crystal Jones at the Catholic Memorial Hospital. Their first-born was born five years earlier.

Stella was a beautiful baby. Her crown of golden locks made her seem even more ethereal as it lay against her white skin. When she smiled her brown eyes shinned. One-year-old Stella met five year old Averil and five year old Kyle at the playground. Averil pushed Stella on the swing while Kyle stood nearby. Averil just loved playing with baby Stella. As she grew Stella grew to love Averil.


At the age of five Stella invited nine-year-old Averil to her birthday party. When Averil turned he down Stella became furious. She vowed to make Averil’s life miserable. By the time Stella was ten she had done many things to Averil; such as putting gum in her hair. Despite all this Averil still loved Stella. Stella grew even angrier when Averil just let her do these mean things to her.

In 1969 when Stella attended her first Sadie Hawkins Dance with Kyle Stewart, she plotted to keep Averil from her older brother Jim Bob. When that didn’t work she went with them on their dates. When that didn’t work she vowed to kill Averil at the first opportunity.

Years came and years went and still no opportunity to kill Averil. The plan was simple; buy a gun, buy the bullets, load the gun, aim at Averil, shoot the gun and then the deed was done. In between all this plotting and scheming she was dating Kyle Stewart. She didn’t really love him like he loved her. She just couldn’t see herself with anyone but him. Even though they broke up briefly she still had feelings for Kyle.

Then her opportunity came she was invited to Averil’s wedding. What better place to kill her than her own wedding. But on the day wedding gun aimed and ready she couldn’t bring herself to do the deed.
On June 1, 1982 Stella and Kyle where married at St. Bart’s Church in Fresno, California. One year later Stella gave birth to twins who were still born. She named them Charles John and Romeo Carlin Stewart. Their untimely death and the life Averil’s new born gave Stella an awful idea.

The plan was to take two of Averil’s children from her and raise them as her own. That would teach Averil to mess with her. Step one go to the maternity ward two days later and claim Timothy and William are Charles John and Romeo Carlin and leave the hospital with them. Step two if the nurses gave her a hard time she would claim they were mistaken and it’s really Timothy and William that were still born. Step three she would leave the hospital with them and change their names Jimmy John and Kristopher James Stewart. Step four she would pretend to adopt them. Step five when they asked why they’re so different from their two siblings they are told they were adopted so they don’t suspect they were stolen from their parents at birth.

But before all that can take place Stella has another plan to do first. Step one she gets Kyle to get her some nurse’s uniforms. Step two goes to the office where the birth and death records are kept. Step three makes sure all the office personnel are out of the office. Step four sneaks into the office. Step five burns all records of the birth of Timothy and William along with the death records of Charles and Romeo.

Everything goes according to plan expect one minor detail she forgot to put out the fire. It spread throughout the maternity ward. Thankfully the hospital was able to contain the fire before it spread into the other wings of the hospital. The hospital also managed to save its maternity ward patients. At home Stella was taking care of the twins she stole from Averil. Meanwhile Averil was devastated to learn Timothy and William were still born.

I've made some changes enjoy.