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CharlieParker82
January 28th, 2013, 03:30 PM
Part 2 of 3. This is the second part of my vampire story. Its a short, so its basic. Again any feedback would be great. Thanks kindly.

Part 1 can be found here

http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/136146-story-about-vampires-vampire-hunters-set-70s-part-i.html


Blind Bob Grunt first heard of The Thin White Duke back in 63, caught the headlines about some farming operation by the Kindred he busted on some island off Iceland.


By 65 The White Duke was The Commission's golden boy, had listed a registered 39 kills. But then, it all started to go sour.


In the winter of 66, two Commission operatives turned up dead. The Thin White Duke had blood on his hands, said that the two dead operatives were working for the Kindred.


Bob found a letter from the Duke in the file The Stiff Suit had given him. It was the Duke's response. He said the commission was poisoned, that the Kindred and others had infiltrated the organization; that he could longer trust their directives.


The Duke started carrying out his own unsanctioned operations across Europe. The Commission had little choice but to send two of their finest to take him out; the Lizard King and The Stooge. Six weeks later the Lizard King turned up dead in some brothel in West Berlin, a note found on his body.


"Darkness is coming, the commission is dead. Tell my wife I am not coming home" Signed the Stooge.


/


The Beat met Bob off the plane, worked the Balkan branch of the Commission, spoke bad english.


"I hope your journey good Mr Bob" The Beat spoke through a cheesy grin, looked like a dirty rat.


Bob hoped The Beat would keep the conversation to a minimum, pretended to sleep in the car when he didn't.


He been booked into a cheap hotel in town, The Royal Belgrade. The carpets were red with splashes of green and orange, looked like someone had thrown up over them.


It reeked of damp and stale smoke, the foyer collected with bums and misfits, kids running some sort of racket out of the boiler room.


It had was an old theatre that had been given a bad renovation sometime in the 1950's. A little old lady sat behind the desk, smelt of soup and cigars.


Bob booked into his room, plastic sheets on the bed, a t.v that showed nothing but snow storms. The Beat had fixed him up with a bottle of scotch and some red wine; his weapons of choice, set about getting himself drunk.


He must nodded off because the next he knew he wasn't alone in the room no more. At the foot of his bed stood what could only be described as a naked wolf woman. Had a body that was all breasts and thigh and a head that was all stinking wolf.


Bob went for his gun, got told that was a bad idea.


"We know why you're here Bob. You see we both want the same thing" Her voice was all breathy and gruff.
"I don't know what you heard, but all I want is a good nights sleep."


The wolf woman leapt through the air, landed on all fours, her dirty muzzle inches from Bobs face.


"I can rip your throat out and kill in a incident" She growled, drips of salvia hanging from her jaws "Now" She continued "We understand your looking for the Thin White Duke, correct?"
"If you say so"
"I've come here to warn you, he knows you're here Bob, he's sent his animals to get you".
"What's it to the Pack?"
"The Thin White Duke is up to something. Even the Kindred don't know what. The man's gone crazy"
"What do you want me to do about it?"
"We expect you to kill him Bob".


The wolf stuck out her tongue, gave him a lick. It was like a thick piece of baloney slapped across the face. Bob winced, watched as the wolf bounced up onto her feet and jumped over to the door. She turned and added one last thing.


"I can smell them, there close."


As soon as she was gone Blind Bob followed, gun in hand, burst out onto the corridor and found it empty.


"God dam Wolves!" He spat.


/


He had tried to leave the commission three times before, didn't last longer than a month each time. All he knew was the hunt, it tore at him as he would sit there pretending to be something he weren't. He was a killer, cold stone.


He pulled up a chair, sat himself so he could see the door, kept his guns in his hands. If they were coming for him, he was ready.


The hotel had been filled with noise all through the night, howls and screams, the odd fight breaking out in the rooms below, some pimp getting handy with his fists. But by two the whole place had gone silent. The moans cut, the terrifying yells drained of sound. Blind Bob Grunt knew the vampires had arrived and the feeding begun.


//


It had been a right royal screw up. His contact, the Beat, had no doubt sold him out. He thought it typical of the wolves to come and warn him and then leave him high and dry.


With Mary and Joseph in his left and right, he smoked his last, pissing in the wind, listening as the beasts scratched at his door.


Soon they would be on him, the claws that killed his daughter, the teeth wild and white that chewed up his wife. He was ready though, told them to come on in.


The door burst open, must had been fifty or more. Creatures from the darkest pits, eyes white, skin drained of color. Misery and hate raged across their face. Bob spat out his smoke, introduced them to his friends. The violence ensued.

Ariel
January 28th, 2013, 06:33 PM
I like your spare style, it reads like a gritty crime novel. However, there are places where it feels like a word or two here and there is missing. There are also a few grammatical errors.

Overall, I like this work. Well done.

dolphinlee
January 28th, 2013, 11:05 PM
This is a big improvement on part one.

The Beat met Bob off the plane, worked theBalkan branch of the Commission, spoke bad english.

This sentence jarred me because of the name The Beat. As it is odd it mightbe better to rearrange the sentence something like this.

Bob was met off the plane by The Beat who worked ………………..

Bob hoped The Beat would keep theconversation to a minimum AND pretended to sleep in the car when he didn't. (nice sentence)

He (He’d) beenbooked into a cheap hotel in town, The Royal Belgrade. The carpets were redwith splashes of green and orange, looked like someone had thrown up over them. (bit of a cliché)

It reeked of damp and stale smoke, the foyer collected (?) withbums and misfits, kids running some sort of racket out of the boiler room.

It (The Royal Belgrade) had wasan old theatre that had been given a bad renovation sometime in the 1950's. A little old lady sat behind the desk, smeltof soup and cigars.

Bob booked into his room, plastic sheets on the bed, AND a t.vthat showed nothing but snow storms. The Beat had fixed him up with a bottle ofscotch and some red wine; hisweapons of choice, set about getting himself drunk. (?)

He must nodded off because the next he knew he wasn't alone in the room no more. (anymore) At the foot of his bed stood what couldonly be described as a naked wolf woman. Had (deletehad) a body that was all breasts and thigh and ahead that was all stinking wolf.

"I can rip your throat out and kill ina incident (instant)" She growled, drips of salvia (saliva)hanging from her jaws "Now" Shecontinued "We understand your looking for the Thin White Duke,correct?"

The wolf stuck out her tongue, AND gave hima lick. It was like a thick piece of baloney slapped across the face. Bobwinced, watched as the wolf bounced up onto her feet and jumped over to thedoor. She turned and added one last thing.

"I can smell them, there (they’re)close."

He had tried to leave the commission threetimes before, didn't last longer than a month each time. All he knew was thehunt, it tore at him as he would sit there pretending to be something he weren't. (wasn’t)He was a killer, cold stone.

It had been a right royal screw up. His contact, the Beat, had no doubt soldhim out. He thought it typical of the wolves to come and warn him and then leavehim high and dry.

With Mary and Joseph in his left and right, he smoked his last, pissing in the wind (????), listening as the beasts scratched at his door.

Soon they would be on him, the claws that killed his daughter, the teeth wildand white that chewed up his wife. He was ready though, told them to come onin.

The door burst open, must had been fifty (how could he count that many at once throughthe door?) or more. Creatures from the darkest pits,eyes white, skin drained of color. Misery and hate raged across their face. Bobspat out his smoke, introduced them to his friends. The violence ensued. (thisis very weak)
There are several sentences where you have put a comma where the word andshould be.


There are much fewer mistakes and some of these feel like the Microsoftspell checker has gone berserk on the word you intended to us. Sorry but someof these you should have caught yourself.

I look forward to part 3.

DanSki
January 29th, 2013, 03:44 AM
Hey!
Man, i am definitely loving the story and how it's written. It kind of reminds me of Stephen King's The Gunslinger, which i love very much. I will be looking forward to part three.

Like the others have mentioned, there's some grammar errors here and there but not too much to critique on in my opinion.

-Ski

CharlieParker82
January 29th, 2013, 06:50 PM
Dolphin again thank you for your feedback. I agree with most of the comments, though I do like the ending, "violence ensued" and "...his weapons of choice, set about getting himself drunk".

I agree with the opening sentence, your suggestion makes much more sense.

Amsawtell - in what way do you feel some words missing? more description? I do agree that while my writing is sparse I do need to spend a bit more time helping the sentences flow more.

DanSki - thanks for the comment. Haven't read The Gunslinger though I am well aware of the novels and what happens. I like the way King takes a the western genre and mixes it with all those other creepy things he does so well.

dolphinlee
January 29th, 2013, 06:55 PM
The violence ensued. Would you consider removing the word THE.

"...his weapons of choice, set about getting himself drunk". I did not make myself clear. Sentence is great but it needs an AND instead of a comma between choice, set.

CharlieParker82
January 29th, 2013, 08:02 PM
The violence ensued. Would you consider removing the word THE.

"...his weapons of choice, set about getting himself drunk". I did not make myself clear. Sentence is great but it needs an AND instead of a comma between choice, set.

Alright understand, yes I do seem to have issues regarding the comma and the use of the word 'and'.

Thanks

Ariel
January 29th, 2013, 08:14 PM
More like articles are missing, I don't feel like description is missing but articles are missing things like "a" and "the." There's also a few places where pronouns are dropped. I don't mind so much that the description is gone, it suits the story fairly well here, but missing articles and pronouns can lead to some confusion, especially in longer pieces.

CharlieParker82
January 29th, 2013, 08:26 PM
More like articles are missing, I don't feel like description is missing but articles are missing things like "a" and "the." There's also a few places where pronouns are dropped. I don't mind so much that the description is gone, it suits the story fairly well here, but missing articles and pronouns can lead to some confusion, especially in longer pieces.

Right I get you. Thanks

Woodroam
February 1st, 2013, 03:53 AM
Again, the narrator voice shifts. Avoid combining descriptive adjectives as it weakens the description:

It reeked of damp and stale smoke, the foyer collected with bums and misfits,

Better: It reeked of stale smoke, the foyer collected misfits. (In other words, try to find the one image that has the most impact)