PDA

View Full Version : 'Darkness stirring' (Rough draft)



diaz9943
January 26th, 2013, 10:30 PM
Hello!

Some critique on this prologue would be wonderfull!
"TROLL" is in caps, because its a placeholder. I've not actually "made" the creature yet, so I simply used an already existing word. It'll be replaced once I "make" the creature.

It's a bit of a rough draft, as I don't really have anywhere else to go for critique.. :/

The following chapter, can be found here:
http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/136141-walk-1225-words-fantasy.html#post1596817

Now, the story:



Prologue:
Darkness stirring


“It is time for you to repay us,” the dark shape said. “We took you in after you were left in the forest. We gave you the gifts of beauty and agility. Without us, you would be nothing.”

She was unable to look away from the blurry shape, a sense of awe filling her. She had been chosen by the Master, for a task it gave her itself. She wanted nothing else than to please it.

“You will find this pendant, and bring it to us,” the shape said. A shivering image of a bronze pendant, with a silver outline of the moon flickered into existence in front of her. “And you will not fail us. The price of failure is high,” it continued. The dim light from the small braziers seemed to bend around it.

“It is held by a fool child, a farmer’s son. Do what you must, as long as you obtain the pendant. Do not return without it. Succeed, and you shall be rewarded.” With that, the shape disappeared, and the flickering light from the braziers blazed stronger.

“Come with me, now,” said a gruff voice behind her. Turning, she faced the same TROLL who had led her to this room, waving her on with impatient gestures. They were filthy things, these TROLLS. Fat, gray, wrinkly creatures, who had never heard of baths, they were the lowest servants of the Master.

“The boy live on biggest farm of village, yes, hard to miss, yes,” the TROLL lectured in its slurred speech, as it led Lavi down the corridor at a quick pace. “You there as explorer, yes, and you ask for someone who knows the forests, yes. They lead you to him, yes, stupid humans.” The TROLL looked at her.

“Not you human,” it grunted. Bah, I’ll be glad to be away from these reeking simpletons, she thought to herself as they entered a room filled with pots.

“Drink,” the TROLL said, handing her a flask. “It allow you to sense pendant, yes.” And their terrible, blurry speech… Vermin, I say, she thought as she downed the contents of the flask, leaving a vile taste in her mouth. “Only works within few kilometers, yes,” the TROLL explained.

“And take human weapon, you don’t have strong claws,” it continued scornfully, handing her a long dagger.

Lavi breathed in the fresh air, drinking in the smells of spring. She really did prefer this to the dark, heavy-aired realm of the Master. A slight wind caressed her flame-red hair as she looked around. Stepping out of the forest and onto the road, she started at a fresh pace towards the chimney smoke she could see. It was not really a road, just a trail of dirt made hard by countless footsteps over the years. She carried a small pack of foodstuffs and the dagger, and a small pouch containing several gold pieces hung by her belt. As she approached the village, she notice a youth looking at her from afar. This will certainly be easier than expected, she thought to herself as flashed him her best smile.

Dylan stopped in his tracks as he spotted the young woman walking up the Malay Road. They didn’t get many strangers in the village, and certainly none like this. The young woman wore tight pants! Pants on a woman! That was unheard of! Her hair flowing in the wind, she spotted him and gave him a quick, warm smile.

Urged forward by her, he stepped out of the backyard, approaching her. What’s such a beautiful woman doing out here, all on her own, he thought to himself. She regarded him as he walked, almost in a judging fashion.

“Morning, miss,” the lout opened. “Could I help you with your pack?”

“Ah, no, it’s quite all right, thank you,” she parried.

“Are you sure, miss? I’ve found that a long walk can be very tiring. If you’ll pardon my bluntness, miss, but what is a beautiful woman like yourself doing alone in these parts anyways, miss?” he attacked again. Persistent lite lout, she thought to herself, smiling.

“I’m an explorer, actually. I’m looking for someone who’s familiar with the forests in ‘these parts’. You don’t happen to know someone like that, do you, Master…?” She almost chuckled as his smile slid a margin.

“Uh, I’m Dylan, miss. Well, Brandon knows the forests, but, uhm…” he trailed off.

“What about this Brandon?” It was an effort to keep the smile on her face. Incompetent younglings…

“Well, he left just last night. Going on an adventure, he said. Went down that same road you just came up,” Dylan stammered.

“In that case, Master Dylan,” she said as she reached out, softly placing a hand on his cheek. The youth flinched, his face lighting up expectantly.

“I have no more use of you,” she finished, spinning around him and violently twisting his head to the side. His body went limp as his spine snapped, his eyes filled with terror. Letting the body fall forward, she turned around and sat off down the road again, the Masters words echoing in her head. And you will not fail us. The price of failure is high.

Circadian
January 27th, 2013, 06:26 PM
For the most part, this is well written. I don't see this being a prologue, however. It seems more like it should belong in chapter one. I also think you could elaborate on how Lavi ends up being 'chosen' by the Master and why this pendant is so important. If you plan on leaving the explanation for later in the story because the reader is not supposed to know yet, then that's fine. I would also suggest revealing Lavi's name earlier than you do so we know right away who 'she' is.

I was caught a little off guard when, halfway through, you suddenly switched the POV from Lavi to Dylan. I would suggest keeping with a single POV throughout. The ending came as quite a suprise, revealing Lavi's ruthlessness. I think it's good. The last paragraph really gives the story a dark turn.

Again, I like the way this is written and how you managed to capture the voice of Lavi. I also liked the TROLL speech. Very well done.

~Circe

diaz9943
January 27th, 2013, 06:30 PM
Wow, thanks. If you're interested, the story continiues here:
http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/136141-walk-1225-words-fantasy.html#post1596817

CharlieParker82
January 27th, 2013, 11:52 PM
I also liked this, I didn't find the switch of POV halfway difficult to follow but I'm often doing things we're not meant to do with writing. I thought this goes quite well with the other bit you wrote about the boy.

rave
February 4th, 2013, 02:03 AM
its always a good start when someone dies in the first pages

Hemlock
February 4th, 2013, 04:51 AM
I find this piece rather entertaining. I suggest you make this your Chapter 1 instead of the Prologue, though.

Tim Morris
February 8th, 2013, 05:44 AM
I like everyone else in this thread, enjoyed this. While I didn't find the change in POV in the middle of the piece particularly jarring, I would steer clear of that. Did I say I liked this? After reading it, I gathered that it is the story of a character that was abandoned by her family and raised by dark and evil beings, which would definitely shape her perspective of humanity as well as her actions towards them. I envision a pretty young girl with an innocent face surrounded by a grotesque menagerie of malicious creatures and she looks out of place with them, but the contrast is cool! Does she find salvation and undergo a change in character after meeting her mark? There are a lot of unanswered questions that would probably cause me to continue reading.

"“The boy live on biggest farm of village, yes, hard to miss, yes,” the TROLL lectured in its slurred speech, as it led Lavi down the corridor at a quick pace. “You there as explorer, yes, and you ask for someone who knows the forests, yes. They lead you to him, yes, stupid humans.” The TROLL looked at her.

“Not you human,” it grunted. Bah, I’ll be glad to be away from these reeking simpletons, she thought to herself as they entered a room filled with pots. "

I loved the above portion, I actually chuckled a little when I read it. I like the way these "TROLLs" talk and their simple mindedness.

I did feel that the protagonist's murder of Dylan at the end was uncalled for and overblown; however, it did illustrate the ruthlessness of the character, which I surmise is what you were trying to do.

I liked your economy of words; the piece wasn't overly simplistic, but it wasn't the least bit hard to read either.

Really cool stuff!

Peace!

diaz9943
February 9th, 2013, 11:53 AM
I like everyone else in this thread, enjoyed this. While I didn't find the change in POV in the middle of the piece particularly jarring, I would steer clear of that. Did I say I liked this? After reading it, I gathered that it is the story of a character that was abandoned by her family and raised by dark and evil beings, which would definitely shape her perspective of humanity as well as her actions towards them. I envision a pretty young girl with an innocent face surrounded by a grotesque menagerie of malicious creatures and she looks out of place with them, but the contrast is cool! Does she find salvation and undergo a change in character after meeting her mark? There are a lot of unanswered questions that would probably cause me to continue reading.

"“The boy live on biggest farm of village, yes, hard to miss, yes,” the TROLL lectured in its slurred speech, as it led Lavi down the corridor at a quick pace. “You there as explorer, yes, and you ask for someone who knows the forests, yes. They lead you to him, yes, stupid humans.” The TROLL looked at her.

“Not you human,” it grunted. Bah, I’ll be glad to be away from these reeking simpletons, she thought to herself as they entered a room filled with pots. "

I loved the above portion, I actually chuckled a little when I read it. I like the way these "TROLLs" talk and their simple mindedness.

I did feel that the protagonist's murder of Dylan at the end was uncalled for and overblown; however, it did illustrate the ruthlessness of the character, which I surmise is what you were trying to do.

I liked your economy of words; the piece wasn't overly simplistic, but it wasn't the least bit hard to read either.

Really cool stuff!

Peace!

Wow, thanks for that! I'll keep your feedback in mind when I revise it later!

Thanks,
Diaz

AshenhartKrie
February 10th, 2013, 01:07 AM
Oooh, this was a good read.
I picked up on a few miniscule things, but I don't know if that was on purpose or not.
For example I would have put a question mark here (although that's just me)
"What’s such a beautiful woman doing out here, all on her own,"
And here I think you meant little. (But then again you might not have)
"Persistent lite lout,"
I'm actually going to read the other part now.