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Higurro
January 26th, 2013, 02:10 PM
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Charlaux
January 26th, 2013, 04:56 PM
I liked it, I thought it was well paced and the descriptions are vivid and natural. Whilst reading I got a clear picture, so it was very readable.

Without reading the earlier scenes, I don't really understand the plot or what they're talking about, so it does need a lead-in - personally, I wouldn't start the story here. Though I can't say what is happening, the tone of the dialogue suits the spooky atmosphere and sounds as if it fits well into a larger story.

Circadian
January 26th, 2013, 06:29 PM
I enjoyed this and couldn't find much in it that I would change.


Fumbling, she withdrew the knife and rose shakily to her feet, and almost at once the light shone out again (http://www.writingforums.com/#), dimmer this time.

It may be just personal preference, but I don't really like the word dimmer. "...almost at once the light shone out again, but not as bright," would be my suggestion.


Against the darkness above, he appeared like a mountain, silver-plated by moonlight.

I added the commas because I felt there should have been pauses there.

As a side-note, I really like your character's name. Is Freya, by any chance, inspired by the Norse goddess of the same name?

~Circe

Higurro
January 26th, 2013, 07:55 PM
Thanks both for your feedback. This passage occurs half way through chapter twelve, so apologies that a better lead-in wasn't possible. I'll definitely bear in mind the comments about wording.

SunnyE
January 27th, 2013, 02:03 AM
Fumbling, she withdrew the knife and rose shakily to her feet, and almost at once the light shone out again, dimmer this time.

I would structure this differently, "Fumbling, she withdrew the knife and rose shakily to her feet. Almost at once the light shone out again, dimmer this time." (I don't have a problem with "dimmer" myself.)


Reaching up a hand she felt a cold and slightly rough surface like armour plate. As she moved her fingers across it the light built again, more slowly this time. It pulsed and fell around her like folds of fabric and she realised that it was the fog itself that was glowing, as though filled with thousands of tiny luminous insects.

First sentence, "a hand" is unnecessary. Would read better, "Reaching up, she felt..." I really like the imagery in the third sentence. Nice similes.


A huge man towered over her. He was garbed from neck to foot in black iron, surmounted by spikes as long as Freya’s arm.

Not sure I like the words "garbed" and "surmounted" as they are used here. You might consider changing them if others feel the same.

Overall, I liked it. It read easily enough. I didn't think it was confusing without the lead in. Whatever I couldn't get, I assume you'd address as the story progresses. You use great descriptive similes, but in the section before the dialogue begins, it seems like there are too many. It gets a little distracting.The pacing is good, but to be honest, the dialogue was not exciting enough for me. I felt like I could get bored if it were longer. Not sure if it's just because it was in the middle of the story and I hadn't developed a relationship with Freya yet, or because I didn't have enough insight into what the story was about, or something else. I say that hoping it will be constructive. There wasn't anything really wrong with it, I just found myself not as interested as I should be. I think the part where they discussed whether they exist is where you lost me. It could be just me, so you might want to ask others if they have a problem with that area. But on the whole, good job!

Higurro
January 27th, 2013, 06:59 PM
Thanks for your feedback SunnyE - you've definitely given me some things to think about. I'm always a bit wary of putting up bits that are in the middle of something, because I can never tell how much effect the lack of context, character development etc have had. I can see where you're coming from when you say it's a bit boring; it was one of those things that was image-driven than plot-driven.

CharlieParker82
January 28th, 2013, 04:23 PM
I liked this also. The big metal man was easy to picture, I really liked the way he spoke and could easily conjure a voice in my head. I don't read any fantasy fiction but I could see myself reading something like this. Of course this is only a short extract from a larger piece of work, but it was a good taster

ECFairWeather
January 28th, 2013, 11:46 PM
Hi Higurro!

This was a fun read for me. I was drawn to the title and wasn’t disappointed by what I found whatsoever J I don’t have any serious criticisms for this excerpt but if you’re looking for feedback, here’s what I will say:

#1:


His helm was a gleaming skull with hollow sockets like wells in a white desert.

The details, such as the one I quoted above, were well-crafted, especially with your climactic description of the ‘iron’ man. I thoroughly enjoyed this character and after reading wanted so much more of this exchange.

There was a minor issue with the way you depicted the character’s size, I found. During my first read-through, this character seemed to grow in size and that irked me a bit. Here are some lines in the order they appeared to try to illustrate my point:


Each fist could have killed a fully grown bear with a single blow.


She felt as though she was next to a small building or a cairn of stones, so heavy and solid he seemed.


He rose once more to his feet and leaning down, held out his hand for her to step onto. She looked up at him, her face pale and full of questions, but she put them aside and took his hand. With incredible gentleness he lifted her up and set her on his broad shoulder, where the armour plates formed a nook she could grasp onto.


It wasn’t so much the first two lines but rather the last line threw me off completely. I expected this man to be big – but with this last line where he puts her on his shoulder, he’s now become a giant.

It’s not a huge deal (no pun intended) but if you’re looking for consistency, I would just remedy this by identifying right off the bat exactly what Freya is looking up at in order to solidify this guy’s presence.


#2.


Freya stared up at him, unsure of herself. Although he didn't seem about to harm her, she was careful to be polite. “Pardon me sir, I didn't say anything.” Against the darkness above he appeared like a mountain silver plated by moonlight.

There was a moment’s pause while he considered this. “You introduced yourself.” He raised his hand and ran a finger through the light. “This is your handiwork, is it not?”

I’m not sure I understand what was being referenced here with regards to “handiwork”? What did this giant mean? The following lines didn’t address this, and while most of their dialogue is wispy and a bit nonsensical, I still feel like there could have been something to anchor this particular part in the dialogue.


#3.


“I have broken rocks apart before, but some things are a lot stronger.” He gestured around again, and Freya wondered how his metal arm could move so silently. “Look at the fog, see how it resists me. It can’t be harmed, can’t be broken. My strength is in my body, the easiest of all strengths to break. I am made of metal,” he said, holding out his hand for her to see. Each finger was a skeleton of rods and hinges. “But I have blood too, deep inside, and a heart and mind. My makers thought I would be a perfect version of them, an incorruptible vessel of truth.”

I just really enjoyed this part – it’s what made me want to know more about this character :smile:



You said this was just an excerpt – how much more have you written? I’d be interested in reading more!

~EC Fairweather

Higurro
January 29th, 2013, 08:25 AM
Thanks CharlieParker82 and ECFairWeather - it's funny how some things don't pop out at you until someone points them out, but now I think I see the problem. I had imagined him about twelve feet tall, and I think that would still be big enough for a small girl to stand on his hand, but without clarifying that I can see how it might seem that he was suddenly thirty feet tall.

This is in chapter 12, about 50,000 words into the book I'm currently slowly working through, though Freya appears in another (sadly unpublished and currently unpublishable) manuscript I wrote from 2008-11, which is 200,000 words. I really need to re-edit and shorten that at some point, but I'm going to finish this one first.

If you like there is some more of this one here - it's from chapter three, but it's my favourite bit so far
http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/127321-dinner.html

Thanks again!

rave
January 30th, 2013, 08:23 PM
it read well my only complaint is that i have no idea whats going on, would you consider posting a few chapters? very curious about the directions its going in, i like the dynamic so far between the two. also is your character a nun? because if so a habbit is the penguin hat she would have to have removed it to do much with her hair maybe say readjusted it or fiddled with it, would possibly show some anxiety after all she is alone in a strange place talking to something that could easily kill her id be nervous i know that much

MBNewman
January 30th, 2013, 09:05 PM
I really enjoyed the initial conversation between the iron man and Freya. All that banter about about who exists and who doesn't was very entertaining. Like was said, it's very well worded and very descriptive. A good read, and I am curious about the world your book is placed in. How did she get there, and why's there a giant iron man in the mist and who made him? I want to know why, and what else could be out there, you know? I am also curious as to who Freya really is. Oh, so many questions, so I'd be happy to read more of your work.

Higurro
January 31st, 2013, 11:17 AM
Thanks guys, Freya's not a nun as such, but she is a member of a religious order (though they are not overly ritualistic). Her habit is in this case in the sense of a hooded robe, rather than with a hat. I think she would perhaps be scared, but she'd just finished having a little cry, and as the man doesn't seem immediately dangerous, her curiosity overcomes her fear. Hopefully I'll post some more up here when I need feedback, although there are some bits and pieces up already (one of which I linked in #9)