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Silen
January 25th, 2013, 11:57 PM
The Huntsman.
The ruler of Malum stood atop his tower, gazing out across the lands; he spent most of his time here, or in his laboratories mixing foul poisons or inventing new ways to slaughter. A rugged man stood behind him patiently waiting. Shadows formed over Malum, the sky was restless, as was the creatures that dwelled beneath it in their labyrinth of construction.
A lone crow flew to them, its eyes a crimson red. Behind which a higher intelligence resided. It perched upon the hands of the patiently waiting guard. After a few moments of eye contact with the bird, the rugged man spoke, his voice rough like his demeanour.
“Crawlix says he saw a man leaving the Oramoor forests.”
“I knew she was not to be trusted!” The previously oblivious creature shouted angrily.
“He heads west to Milo. In her defence, my lord, she may have been telling the truth.”
“I do not keep your company for your opinion Viktor! You are a tool, a means in which I may learn of our enemy’s movements. If I decide I no longer have use for you or your bird, I will feed you to your pet!”
“Yes my lord. I meant no offence.” Victors face was shaken, yet arrogant.
“Bring her to me; Have the guards ready the huntsman!”
Without an acknowledgment Viktor left his master atop the balcony and strode purposefully down into the lower levels.
Many moments passed, the creature was angry.
Typhos returned, accompanied by the rugged man and his equally ruffled crow.
“Once more I must clean up your mess Typhos!” as he spoke he turned to her, anger running rampant across his face.
“I did not know, sire. If I had I would have slain them all myself! In your name! In the name of Ownix!”
“You presumed they would not flee! Why? I give you the most terrible of our soldiers; I give you the means to puncture the hearts of men with fear. Still you fail me!” He slapped her across the face, wiping the blue blood that trickled from her nose onto her gown.
The stand-off was interrupted by the sounds of three lopsided creatures rambling up the stair case, bone impacted with stone with every step. A sickly sound.
They appeared, three skeletal soldiers, two holding large rods of black metal with nooses hanging from the tips, the other carrying a great black wooden chest. The nooses were wrapped around the hunched shape of what once was a man. They loped over to Ownix, and then stood perfectly still waiting for his next order, the hunched man never raising his face to the foul creature that had summoned him.
“My dear Huntsman, I have finally found a use for you.” The huntsman recoiled at the sound of his name. The nooses glowed with a black light in response.
“Why struggle, the magic holds you here, binds you to my will.” Taunted Ownix,
Ownix walked to the third guard that was carrying the chest, he unclipped its bronze hinges, the rust made the lid stick. From within he pulled two curved scimitars, their blades a sickly black; they glowed eerily in the fading light of the overcast sky.
He held each blade aloft as he walked back to his slave.
“We have a survivor.” The huntsman looked up for the first time, its eyes reptilian and abnormally large. “He heads for Milo, he knows too much… Kill him… make it slow… make it painful.” As he spoke he drew a vial of red liquid, he poured it onto the blades, coating them, and then handed the blades to the Huntsman’s. The bony fingers grasped the blade, a purpose shone within its eyes.
With a twist of his wrists, Ownix undid the magic of the nooses around its neck.
The air reverberated and the huntsman disappeared in a cloud of colourless smoke.
“Typhos fail me again and I will grant you death, a slow death, I will let that sick stalker of shadows, play with your twisted corpse! We have released the Huntsman! Now the world will know fear!”
Viktor smiled at Typhos as the words echoed around Malum.

Circadian
January 26th, 2013, 07:11 PM
The Huntsman.
The ruler of Malum stood atop his tower, gazing out across the lands; he spent most of his time here or in his laboratories mixing foul poisons or inventing new ways to slaughter. A rugged man stood behind him, patiently waiting. Shadows formed over Malum. The sky was restless, as were the creatures that dwelled beneath it in their labyrinth of construction. Is the labyrinth part of a construction or under construction?
A lone crow flew to them, its eyes a crimson red, behind which a higher intelligence resided. It perched upon the hands of the patiently waiting guard. After a few moments of eye contact with the bird, the rugged man spoke, his voice rough like his demeanour.
“Crawlix says he saw a man leaving the Oramoor forests.”
“I knew she was not to be trusted!” The previously oblivious creature shouted angrily. 'Angrily' seems a bit redundant. It is obvious from this person's words and the way he shouts them that he is angry.
“He heads west to Milo. In her defence, my lord, she may have been telling the truth.”
“I do not keep your company for your opinion, Viktor! You are a tool, a means by which I may learn of our enemy’s movements. If I decide I no longer have use for you or your bird, I will feed you to your pet!” Feed him to the bird???
“Yes, my lord. I meant no offence.” Viktor's face was shaken, yet arrogant. When I picture this in my head, I actually see his face shaking. Perhaps 'Viktor looked shaken...'
“Bring her to me. Have the guards ready the huntsman!”
Without an acknowledgment, Viktor left his master atop the balcony and strode purposefully down into the lower levels.
Many moments passed. The creature was angry. Creature or person? I have a hard time visualizes him.
Typhos returned, accompanied by the rugged man and his equally ruffled crow. Who's Typhos?
“Once more I must clean up your mess, Typhos!” As he spoke he turned to her, anger running rampant across his face.
“I did not know, sire. If I had, I would have slain them all myself! In your name! In the name of Ownix!”
“You presumed they would not flee! Why? I give you the most terrible of our soldiers; I give you the means to puncture the hearts of men with fear. Still you fail me!” He slapped her across the face, wiping the blue blood that trickled from her nose onto her gown. This is awkward wording. Perhaps "He slapped her across the face and wiped her own blood onto her gown."
The stand-off was interrupted by the sounds of three lopsided creatures rambling up the stair case. Bone impacted on stone with every step. A sickly sound.Three skeletal soldiers appeared, two holding large rods of black metal with nooses hanging from the tips, the other carrying a great black wooden chest. The nooses were wrapped around the hunched shape of what once was a man. They loped over to Ownix, and then stood perfectly still, waiting for his next order, the hunched man never raising his face to the foul creature that had summoned him.
“My dear Huntsman, I have finally found a use for you.” The huntsman recoiled at the sound of his name. The nooses glowed with a black light in response.
“Why struggle? The magic holds you here, binds you to my will,” taunted Ownix.
Ownix walked to the third guard who was carrying the chest. He unclipped its bronze hinges; the rust made the lid stick. From within, he pulled two curved scimitars, their blades a sickly black; they glowed eerily in the fading light of the overcast sky.
He held each blade aloft as he walked back to his slave.
“We have a survivor.” The huntsman looked up for the first time, its eyes reptilian and abnormally large. “He heads for Milo, he knows too much… Kill him… make it slow… make it painful.” As he spoke, he drew a vial of red liquid. He poured it onto the blades, coating them, and then handed the blades to the Huntsman. The bony fingers grasped the blade. A purpose shone within its eyes. This reads awkwardly to me. I'd change it to "His eyes shone with purpose."
With a twist of his wrists, Ownix undid the magic of the nooses around its neck.
The air reverberated and the huntsman disappeared in a cloud of colourless smoke.
“Typhos, fail me again and I will grant you death, a slow death. I will let that sick stalker of shadows play with your twisted corpse! We have released the Huntsman! Now the world will know fear!”
Viktor smiled at Typhos as the words echoed around Malum.

Overall, I think it needs some fleshing out. I found myself confused by what's going on. I'm not sure why someone leaving the forest is bad, unless you stated this earlier in the story. Also, I was having a hard time keeping all the characters right in my head and visualizing what's going on. It needs some more detail, some explanation so I can better understand the story. It will also read better if you separate the pararaphs a bit more. Just so it's easy on the eyes.

Other than all that, I think you've got a good story going. Keep at it, don't forget to edit, edit, edit, and I think this can be a very engaging read.

~Circe

Silen
January 26th, 2013, 07:23 PM
Ah, sorry it is split into paragraphs on MS word. Don't know why the format changes when you copy and paste. Aye fleshing out i agree on. Thank you for your review. :D

CharlieParker82
January 27th, 2013, 11:43 PM
I couldn't picture the characters in my head as they sounded human yet were described as monsters, i think. Anyway I don't read this kind of thing but I liked it. Sounded fun. I think if you was a little more careful in helping the reading understand whats going on this could be really good.

I really liked the way the ruler spoke.