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View Full Version : A story about Vampires and vampire hunters set in the 70's. PART I



CharlieParker82
January 25th, 2013, 02:38 PM
The beginning to a short story I was playing around with. Interested in some feed back to what people think. Thanks in advance.


Blind Bob Grunt had been riding two days out of Alamogordo. The heat was up. Flies crawled the skin and gave his nag hell. Blind Bob rolled a smoke and cast eyes out over the baron land. There was a dust storm rolling in from the East, would be on him in an hour.


The girl laid naked, face down in the dirt. He saw the gun shot wound he gave her as a parting gift. Slowly he dismounted and found the rope in his bag, bound the dead girls hands and feet, wrapped her up in linen and attached her to the back Marigold.


It was just over a days travel east to the town of Las Cruces. He looked up and guessed he had about 5 hours of sun light left, just enough to make a sizable dent in his journey.


This suited him; just him, a horse and a dead girl. Nobody to make chit chat with. Just a beaten road to follow, the sun on his back and a pay check out front.


He had never liked people and they didn't care too much for him either. Of course there was a time when things were different, but that was a long time ago and Blind Bob Grunt had no time for sentiment.

/


He set up camp just outside Chaparral, ate his beans cold and wore a cigarette in his mouth. Sometime around midnight the rags of linen started moving. Blind Bob eyed it up and put a gun shot in it, quieted it down for a bit. Should be good for another few hours or so he thought, just enough time for him to get some sleep.


He was serious man, short and sharp. Had a pair of eyes that were little more than piss holes in the dirt. His lips were tight and shoulders tense. You didn't mess with men like him, not unless you expected a fight.


Las Cruces was a broken town, a bad weekend full of cheap liquor and cheaper women. The smell of fresh blood got the girl all excited as they entered town. Blind Bob gave her a kick, told the girl to behavior.


He had booked himself a room at the Satellite Inn, gave the young man on reception a look, told him to pretend he didn't see what he thought he had. Blind Bob dumped the body in the shower, drank whiskey and wine in silence, made his call through to the Stiff Suits, told him he had his pay day.


He didn't sleep that night, never slept right in the city, bad dreams kept him awake, one dead wife too many. Instead he just drank and watched T.V, the sound of his guest his only companion, all snorts and snarls.


//


The Stiff Suit entered the room, was led in by Bailey, Bob's contact. He was shown the girl who Blind Bob had fixed up into a chair. He had thrown a sheet over her, gagged her with a old sock.


Stiff Suit: This the girl?
Blind Bob: I hope so, otherwise I picked up some other dead vampire chick in the middle of the desert.


The stiff suit didn't appreciate his tone. Blind Bob didn't give two hoots for what he did and didn't appreciate. All the suits from the Commission were the same to him, spoke with fancy accents and had no real idea what was going on out in the field.


Bailey: Don't mind Bob, Bob's just not a people person are you Bob?


The stiff suit leaned in, not too close, just close enough to smell the death on the girls breath.


Stiff Suit: Show her the picture Bailey, see if she's willing to play ball with us.


Bailey did as told, took the photo from the suitcase and showed the girl. Asked if she recognized him. She grunted wildly in response.


Bailey: Can you tell us where we can find him?


Again she went all crazy on them. The stiff suit smiled, was hoping she was going to be difficult, had a party trick he liked to show off, show these southern gents that New Yorkers could play it just as dirty as them.


Bob: What's he doing?


Bob spoke in Baileys ear as the stiff suit went to his bag and rummaged around inside.


Bailey: Just watch


The suit took a pair of pliers, set about working on the girl. Bob had to look away after a while. It wasn't so much what he was doing to her, but it was the pleasure he took in doing it. Turned the stomach, all that swagger and violence.


///


The girl was back in the shower, was mumbling to herself something about revenge. The three gentleman sat on the sofas, had cracked open a bottle of port, a packet of Camels fair game.


Stiff Suit: Do you know this man?


The suit asked Bob. Bob looked the picture over. He recognized the face, knew the name. The Thin White Duke, a vampire hunter from London, had got himself a registered 36 kills before disappearing somewhere in the Soviet block in 72. He was expected dead, made Bob number one on the stats sheet.


Bob nodded allowed the suit to continue.


Stiff Suit: We got reports he was seen in the States some time last month and if the young girl is telling the truth, he is now in Yugoslavia, doing god knows what.


Bob: I thought he was dead.
Stiff Suit: Well not exactly, but we think he crossed over, became one of them. We received some intel from our friends in Berlin, they picked up some high roller, he told them that The White Duke was making a play for power within the Kindred.


Bob took it in, pulled himself a smoke and lit up.


Stiff Suit: If this is true then the Commission is vulnerable. The White Duke was privy to certain information that if in the wrong hands could put the Commission at a disadvantage.


Bob: What's that got to do with me.
Stiff Suit: We want you to find him Bob, and eliminate him.

Caragula
January 25th, 2013, 08:02 PM
I like my pulp economical and unfussy and that's what I've got here. While I could easily keep flicking the pages of this book, I have only what's here and Blind Bob hasn't got an angle that starts working my curiosity, besides how he got his name of course.

I think the sparing use of simile or metaphor, used as deftly as you have used the odd detail to illuminate the wider context could add that splash of colour that lifts and sharpens the scene in the reader's mind. I could not picture the girl at all, nor the suit. When he's going to work on her with the pliers I didn't have anything to wince at, it was a bit too flat for such a physically violent moment.

Stephanie1980
January 25th, 2013, 09:28 PM
I think the name Blind Bob Grunt is awesome! I personally enjoy vintage areas, but you may lose modern audiences if it’s set in the 70’s as young adults today may not relate.

Really liked this part: “This suited him; just him, a horse and a dead girl. Nobody to make chit chat with. Just a beaten road to follow, the sun on his back and a pay check out front.”

It’s written to the point which I enjoy reading.

Keep up the good work, I would like to read more.

I am currently working on a new novel. It’s a trilogy project I am attempting. It’s an Urban Fiction novel. Based on how a woman transforms into a Vampire, in a world with no supernatural beings, how can this be? I think I thought up of a unique Vampire concept. Anyways love the genre.

Good luck,
Stephanie

CharlieParker82
January 25th, 2013, 09:53 PM
I like my pulp economical and unfussy and that's what I've got here. While I could easily keep flicking the pages of this book, I have only what's here and Blind Bob hasn't got an angle that starts working my curiosity, besides how he got his name of course.

I think the sparing use of simile or metaphor, used as deftly as you have used the odd detail to illuminate the wider context could add that splash of colour that lifts and sharpens the scene in the reader's mind. I could not picture the girl at all, nor the suit. When he's going to work on her with the pliers I didn't have anything to wince at, it was a bit too flat for such a physically violent moment.

Thanks Caragula, this is really helpful. I have to admit the name is not my own, as it appears to be a popular bit. The characters names, Blind Bob Grunt and The Thin White Duke are nicknames for Bob Dylan and David Bowie. So my hands are up on that one.

I do agree there is nothing about Bob that appears mysterious, I will work on this.

I chickened out of coming up with something involving the pliers by passing it, but it does need to be in there. Thanks for reading and the comments.

Also Stephanie1980 glad you liked it, and your idea for a vampire novel sounds cool. I'm not too worried about appealing to young adults, the short story was more a bit of fun for myself.

dolphinlee
January 26th, 2013, 01:29 AM
This has the makings of a good story. It has some nice twists.

Unfortunately the experience of reading it was dampened because there are so many trivial mistakes which could have been avoided if you had checked your work more carefully before submitting it.

1) I copied the story into a word document. The grammar checker immediately highlighted some problems. If you had checked this story you would have been able to correct these mistakes and it would have been a much smoother read.

2) I have learnt that I need to read my stories out loud slowly so that I can find missed or wrong words.

3) Unless you are writing a script you don’t put the name of the speaker at the beginning.

Bob: “What'she doing? ”


Blind Bob Grunt had been riding two daysout of Alamogordo. The heat was up. Flies crawled the (?)skin andgave his nag hell. Blind Bob rolled a smoke and cast eyes out over the baron (barren?)land. There was a dust storm rolling in from the East,would be on him in an hour.

The girl laid naked, face down in the dirt. (Ithink you need to declare that the girl is dead.) He saw the gun shot (gunshot)wound he gave her as a parting gift. Slowlyhe dismounted and (delete‘and’) found the rope in his bag, bound the deadgirls (girl’s)hands and feet, wrapped her up in linen andattached her to the back (of?)Marigold.

It was just over a days (day’s)travel east to the town of Las Cruces. He looked up andguessed he had about 5 hours of sun light left, just enough to make a sizabledent in his journey.

This suited him; just him, a horse and a dead girl. Nobody to make chit chatwith. Just a beaten road to follow, the sun on his back and a pay check outfront.

He had never liked people and they didn't care too much for him either. Ofcourse there was a time when things were different, but that was a long timeago and Blind Bob Grunt had no time for sentiment. (Theword time is repeated in this paragraph. You could delete the ‘a’ and the ‘time’in ‘a long time ago‘)


He set up camp just outside Chaparral, atehis beans cold and wore (?)a cigarette in his mouth. Sometime aroundmidnight the rags of linen started moving. Blind Bob eyed it up (?) andput a gun shot in it, quieted it down for a bit. Should be good for another fewhours or so he thought, just enough time for him to get some sleep.

He was serious man, short and sharp. Had a pair of eyes that were little morethan piss holes in the dirt. (I do not like piss holes in the dirt. Do menreally have the ability to make neat holes in the dirt when they urinate?) His lips were tight and shoulders tense. You didn't messwith men like him, not unless you expected a fight. (Using the pronoun ‘you’ doesn’t match the rest of the story.)

Las Cruces was a broken town, a bad weekendfull of cheap liquor and cheaper women. The smell of fresh blood (fromwhere?) got the girl all excited as they enteredtown. Blind Bob gave her a kick, told the girl to behavior. (behave?)

He had booked himself a room at the Satellite Inn, gave the young man onreception a look, told him to pretend he didn't see what he thought he had.Blind Bob dumped the body in the shower, drank whiskey and wine in silence,made his call through to the Stiff Suits, told him he had his pay day. (stiffsuits is plural yet the next bit is ‘told him.’)

He didn't sleep that night, never slept right in the city, bad dreams kept himawake, one dead wife too many. Instead he just drank and watched T.V, the soundof his guest his only companion, all snorts and snarls.

The Stiff Suit entered the room, was led in by Bailey, Bob's contact. He wasshown the girl who Blind Bob had fixed up into a chair. He had thrown a sheetover her, gagged her with a (an) oldsock.

Stiff Suit: “This the girl?”
Blind Bob: “I hope so, otherwise I picked up some other dead vampirechick in the middle of the desert. ”

The stiff suit didn't appreciate his tone. Blind Bob didn't give two hoots forwhat he did and didn't appreciate. All the suits from the Commission were thesame to him, spoke with fancy accents and had no real idea what was going onout in the field.

Bailey: “Don't mind Bob, Bob's just not a people person are you Bob? ” (too many Bobs)

The stiff suit leaned in, not too close, just close enough to smell the deathon the girls (girl’s)breath.

Stiff Suit: “Show her the picture Bailey, see if she's willing to playball with us. ”

Bailey did as told, took the photo from the suitcase and showed the girl. Askedif she recognized him. She grunted wildly in response.

Bailey: “Can you tell us where we can find him? ”

Again she went all crazy on them. (why again?)The stiff suit smiled, was hoping she was going to bedifficult, had a party trick he liked to show off, show these southern gentsthat New Yorkers could play it just as dirty as them.

Bob: “What's he doing? ”

Bob spoke in Baileys (Bailey’s) ear as the stiff suit went to his bag and rummaged aroundinside.

Bailey: “Just watch”

The suit took a pair of pliers, set about working on the girl. Bob had to lookaway after a while. It wasn't so much what he was doing to her, but it was thepleasure he took in doing it. Turned the stomach, all that swagger andviolence. (I don’treally want to know what is being done, but there has to be a little bit moreof a clue.)

The girl was back in the shower, was mumbling to herself something aboutrevenge. The three gentleman (?) sat on the sofas, had cracked open a bottle of port, apacket of Camels fair game.

Stiff Suit: “Do you know this man? ”

The suit asked Bob. Bob looked the picture over. He recognized the face, knewthe name. The Thin White Duke, a vampire hunter from London, had got himself aregistered 36 kills before disappearing somewhere in the Soviet block (Block) in72. (’72) He was expected dead, (?) made Bobnumber one on the stats sheet.

Bob nodded allowed the suit to continue.

Stiff Suit: We got reports he was seen in the States some time last month and if the young girl istelling the truth, he is now in Yugoslavia, doing god knows what.

Bob: “I thought he was dead.”
Stiff Suit: Well not exactly, but we think he crossed over, became one of them.We received some intel from our friends in Berlin, they picked up some highroller, he told them that The White Duke was making a play for power within theKindred.

Bob took it in, pulled himself a smoke and lit up.

Stiff Suit: If this is true then the Commission is vulnerable. The White Dukewas privy to certain information that if in the wrong hands could put theCommission at a disadvantage.

Bob: What's that got to do with me.
Stiff Suit: We want you to find him Bob, and eliminate him.

CharlieParker82
January 26th, 2013, 02:22 AM
Thanks Dolphin, its very helpful. Sadly I don't have a word document program, just text on a mac and that didn't find the mistakes you mentioned.

Also I do read aloud but I am terrible. You should have seen it five read throughs before!

As I said I am very gratefully and I do work hard to try and correct all my mistakes before submitting, but as you can see I need to work harder.

DanSki
January 26th, 2013, 02:23 AM
Hey,
I really liked your idea and what you have written. Besides grammar errors like mentioned above, i have nothing negative to say about this. I also love the names and how you got them. I'd like to read more of this!

dolphinlee
January 26th, 2013, 03:01 AM
Thanks Dolphin, its very helpful. Sadly I don't have a word document program, just text on a mac and that didn't find the mistakes you mentioned.

Also I do read aloud but I am terrible. You should have seen it five read throughs before!

As I said I am very gratefully and I do work hard to try and correct all my mistakes before submitting, but as you can see I need to work harder.

Now I understand about the errors. It's a shame because your work would have flowed better if you had caught them. Having said that remember that everyone on the site has problem areas. You are ahead of some because you can construct a good story.

Pluralized
January 26th, 2013, 03:07 AM
Had a pair of eyes that were little more than piss holes in the dirt.

Brilliant line, that one.

CP82 - I really liked this, and although your sparse style might not work in a specific paragraph, I thought overall you maintained a very unique voice. Despite the grammar and spelling issues, this is off to a great start.

Hope to see you posting more of your work.

OLDSOUL
January 26th, 2013, 03:40 AM
Liked the story. Very little imagery elicited in me. Some time taken to introduce scenes, people and otherwise would've really helped this along. Some of the analogies are just awesome though. Really really good.

CharlieParker82
January 26th, 2013, 09:19 PM
Thanks for your comments, you've given me lots to think about as I write the second part.

Ariel
January 28th, 2013, 04:21 PM
For me there was nothing to set this apart in any specific era. It could have easily been in the wild west or any time frame since. Even without describing the setting In detail with stereotypical "green shag and orange wallpaper" there could be better hints at the era.

With visual and auditorial cues (the slang in the '70s was quite different from the slang today) this could have a more diffinite time frame without us needing to be told up front.

CharlieParker82
January 28th, 2013, 04:26 PM
For me there was nothing to set this apart in any specific era. It could have easily been in the wild west or any time frame since. Even without describing the setting In detail with stereotypical "green shag and orange wallpaper" there could be better hints at the era.

With visual and auditorial cues (the slang in the '70s was quite different from the slang today) this could have a more diffinite time frame without us needing to be told up front.

Fair enough. Will look into it and add something. I guess the time period for me wasn't too important either. When I wrote it, it helped me picture it in my head, but I guess I didn't consider it important enough to add into the story. I wanted to create something short and to the point, but I agree there should be something.

Higurro
January 28th, 2013, 08:16 PM
Loved it! The minimalism really works well (I think) - simplifying my writing is something I'm trying to do at the moment, but it's clear you've got that down to a tee yourself. As for not painting the picture, which a few people have mentioned, I felt fine with it because there wasn't anything that was inherently hard to imagine (I'm picturing Charles Bronson as Bob, by the way). Again, I didn't have any problems with glossing over the pliers bit - it great to read something that leaves so much up to the imagination. My only caution would be the risk of confusing the reader if it goes on for too long, or gets too complicated.

CharlieParker82
January 29th, 2013, 06:52 PM
Higurro, i imaged Bob Dylan, but I prefer Charles Bronson. I do worry about the style and whether it would become too confusing in a longer story. I did try to write a large piece of work a while back and find that it can become a bit of a chore to read and write it.

Woodroam
February 1st, 2013, 03:37 AM
I liked the gritty terse style. Once you get the grammar in check you'll have to work on point of view. The narrator shifts around. I think you need to decide on who's telling this story. Develop that in your head. I see a grizzled old time prospector sitting in a saloon, his burro tied to a rail outside, a shot glass of red-eye on the table in front of him. If you get a clear image of who is telling this story, then you can keep the narrator voice consistent. Tell only what the old timer would know, in the way he would tell it. The reader doesn't need to be told about who the narrator is, or see him as I've described, the reader just needs to hear the voice. Spelling and misuse of words needs some work too, but that is technical and you'll get past it easy. If you can't get a word processor program with grammar checking, get a friend who gets good grades in English to read and help. Your style and story telling ability is worth the work.