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randomwriting
January 25th, 2013, 09:57 AM
Edited it, Post is towards the bottom.


Read it and let me know your thoughts and if it makes you want to read more. I do have more if interested!

Not a final draft but I wanted to get it out there. I do do my research and this is a lot of info I have come across over the years.

This is more of an intro its not suppose to be specific.



9 years ago today I was found dead in a forest with half my body burned to a crisp in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago, my family and majority of my friends wept over my grave and forgave me for what I have done. They didn't know exactly why it had happened and they couldn't tell you who I was but just broken up pieces of what they thought and what they heard through gossip. That day really did kill me and everything I was, I myself died inside but I and my body still roamed a beautiful part of the country that hid me from the rest of the world. I had to leave my home town because if I didn't I would have been dead or in jail and then dead and most of my family would have been brutally murdered. I got in a life which there is no escaping once you have made a commitment to go down that path. In retrospect it might have been a bad decision but it led me to a life of underground fortune and fame. Everybody knew my name but most people thought it was myth till they had crossed my path, I wasn't a violent person by nature but I had violent things done on my behalf. I sit here today packing my bags to go back. I truly hope the people that forced me to leave let me live back in what was once my town, and what hurts the most is that I must face the people that loved me most and thought I was dead and buried for the past nine years. It will hurt even worse if they can’t let me back into their lives because without them it wouldn't be my home town. I promised myself I wouldn't stay away more than double digits in years, and now I’m coming up on what is ten years. I’m honestly not sure if everybody I know is still alive I really don’t know if my parents are still alive. I know that staying out of contact with them was the hardest thing I ever had to do but it was the safest way and the only way. I know if I get back and the people who forced me to leave have went back on their promise there is going to be hell to pay. I’m coming back in peace but I hold great vengeance in my heart and what is done is in the past but I’m not afraid to go back on my word if people didn't stand tall on their end.

The moment I was forced to leave I had told my close friend, my right hand, and the only person I have truly known basically my whole life to distribute basically all of my money to the family with a note that explained a few things. I told him to write this down and to distribute the amounts I told him to distribute and what to give to whom, he didn't know what was happening but had an idea because he was so close to me. He said to me after this was all over. Will this be last time I hear from you? The only thing I replied back was “just take care of it you’re the only person who can”.

Well Lets start out by saying there is 2 ways to be addicted to drugs. One way is too be physically addicted to what it does to your body and mind. The second way is the money and the reputation it brings you, for me it was the second way but from my personal experience it’s much safer to be addicted the other way. I was 19 going on 20 and to my surprise I was making good money at my day job, enough to be able to move out and enough to be on my own with the ability to be able to invest and save money. The moving out is what got me in the most trouble if I would have stayed at home a couple more years my life would have been a lot different but because of my independent streak I was sentenced to a life of a weak moral code and already blessed with a small unforgiving conscience. This is how I became a drug dealer. It wasn't something I planned but it’s a life that has always pulled at me since high school, I was strong enough to resist dealing in school because I always had something to distract me. I was never into doing drugs it just didn't come to me as a suitable life choice it seemed drugs brought more bad problems then good times. But as soon as I saw people dealing and the money it brought them I was interested and after high school It sucked me in, it had to be the money I told myself it couldn't have been anything else. So by the time I got out of high school and after being at a miserable job for over a year the drugs sucked me in.

It started with a friend of mine not one of my best friends not a close friend just somebody that I hung out with here and there and somebody that I always talked shop with, we always bounced business idea’s off each other and most of the time they were illegitimate business plans more of a hustle or a scam type of thing. See I knew he dealt a little here and there but nothing big just something to keep him a little extra money on the side so he could have nice things but never anything on a big scale. He dealt cocaine and for those of you who don’t know cocaine is one of the worst drugs to start dealing its expensive people don’t fuck around and most of the people that deal cocaine were like the class valedictorians of the weed dealers. Majority of the people that deal cocaine get there start with something smaller like weed and move up the line. The reason for this is cocaine is expensive to deal, a kilo of cocaine will run you about $20,000. Also another issue is cocaine will also get you a lot more jail time then weed. Think about it this way, weed gets college kids high and cocaine will make a junkie kill somebody over a vile of coke so you can see why the government is a little harsher on the punishments for this drug. So basically people that can’t save up enough money to deal coke or aren't able to have a pair of balls generally aren't great candidates for dealing coke. For me neither of these are an issue I’m good with money and have always had big pair of balls not to mention I’m not a moron either. These 3 things didn't help me to resist dealing coke. See my breaking point was this it costs $20k for a kilo and if you break it down and sell it by the gram you can turn your $20k into about $49,000. After I realized this and had the money to start it was an easy decision. Like I said it all started with a friend.

popsprocket
January 25th, 2013, 10:32 AM
This really needs commas. And proper paragraph breaks.

Apologies, but I couldn't even finish the first passage as it appears here.

Olly Buckle
January 25th, 2013, 10:37 AM
They didn't know exactly why it had happened and they couldn't tell you who I was but just broken up pieces of what they thought and what they heard through gossip. A rather muddled sentence, consider the various things you want to say,
They didn't know what had happened to me or why.
My body was so broken up it was unidentifiable.
Identification was based on expectation, which was in turn based on gossip.

You had better make this a bit historical too, nowadays police checks use DNA evidence in cases like this.
Off out to catch the bus, I shall return.

Ethan
January 25th, 2013, 01:23 PM
Needs a serious edit to make it more accessible to the reader, the first sentence alone;

9 years ago today I was found dead in a forest with half my body burned to a crisp in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago, my family and majority of my friends wept over my grave and forgave me for what I have done.

Nine years ago today, my body, half burnt to a crisp, was discovered in a forest preserve South of Chicago. I watched Family and close friends shed tears in that awful place, some of them I hope, were in forgiveness.

The idea is engaging enough, but first drafts are rarely polished enough to give a real insight, as the reader is driven to stop and correct so much. I would suggest you give this a hard edit and re-present it, it will make the assessment so much easier for the reviewer, and, I expect you would receive much kinder and more constructive opinions.
I hope this helps.

CharlieParker82
January 25th, 2013, 03:04 PM
Really tough to read, but thats already been mentioned in the comments above.

The content is a little mundane. The lead character appears to be a little cliche, the 'good kid gone bad', 'woe is me'. Also there is nothing in the piece that is informative about drugs or the drug dealing world. There is nothing in there that we probably don't already know from T.V or just general knowledge about drugs.

I would suggest going back over the piece and trying to think what makes this story different to other stories that have been told about the same subject matter. What makes your character unique and different? Give us some details about the drug world we may not know, (not just that cocaine is more expensive than weed, or that money for selling drugs is nice)

If this is the start of something such as a novel, also you may want to make it less of a bio and something more gripping. The bit about him supposedly dying is fine, but then the whole bit about him turning 20, and leaving at home then moving out, is just a bit boring. Give us something more to grip our teeth into.

Hope this helps

randomwriting
January 25th, 2013, 09:40 PM
I defiantly don't disagree with the some comments, I read them all multiple times. I was trying to get the basic idea down and I got the response I was expecting. I get into somewhat of a groove and its easier to get it down on paper rather than forget what I wanted to right/ or was thinking.

also its not so much of a good kid gone bad but I can see how you came to that conclusion, that is only the first of about 9 pages written.

The paragraph break thing I can see but when you try to hit tab and correct the writing it changes it back without my control when its posted.

I will re-write it but I wanted to get it out there. It seems that many writers write 3-5 novels before they get something worth reading lol.

thanks

Stephanie1980
January 25th, 2013, 10:38 PM
When and where did you get the inspiration to write this?

Olly Buckle
January 25th, 2013, 10:57 PM
It is all a bit muddled, and a bit like speech rather than writing. In speech we tend to go over things more than once to make sure people have got the point, there is no need to do that in writing, people read at their own pace and quite often go back over things (Try reading with a sheet of paper covering what you have already read, it is quite revealing about how much this happens), for example 'I myself died inside', 'I' and 'myself' are the same thing. We also 'introduce' things in speech to make sure people are listening, 'Well Lets start out by saying there is 2 ways to be addicted to drugs.', make that 'Lets start out by saying there is 2 ways to be addicted to drugs.', the meaning is identical, but so are all the important bits if you say if you say, 'There is 2 ways to be addicted to drugs.'

There are a lot of little errors you really should pick up on if you read through a couple of times, for example 'There are (plural) 2 ways to be addicted to drugs.' or "Get there (their) start"

What I call 'Qualifiers', things which qualify what you are saying, weaken a text considerably, sometimes they are necessary, but more often than not they are a trick we use in speech that lets a person catch up, even if they are necessary it can pay to rephrase so that what you say does not need them, Think what the main points you are making are and get them separated, examples.

"I really don’t know if my parents are still alive", 'really' doesn't make it any more real.

The moment I was forced to leave I had told my close friend, my right hand, and the only person I have truly known basically my whole life to distribute basically all of my money to the family with a note that explained a few things
He had to leave
He had one close friend he has known all his life
He gave him instructions to distribute his money and a note to his family.
'When I had to leave I told my right hand man, whom I have known all my life, to give all my money and a note to my family"
It reduces 1and1/2 lines to about a third of that, I know there is a difference between 'basically all my life' and 'all my life', they probably didn't share a cot :) but it is not an important difference for the story, if I say "I have known him all my life, we met in primary school" people don't quibble

"I was strong enough to resist dealing in school because I always had something to distract me."
or here, the distractions were what stopped him, his resistance and strength are a canard, look,
"I did not deal in school because there were distractions"

A last example of this,

"It started with a friend of mine not one of my best friends not a close friend just somebody that I hung out with here and there and somebody that I always talked shop with, we always bounced business idea’s off each other"

'It started with somebody that I hung out with and always talked shop with, not a close friend, but we bounced ideas off each other'

Your readers do not know everything you know. It may seem strange when I have been telling you to condense things, but you also either need to explain things in places, or leave them out.

"but I hold great vengeance in my heart and what is done is in the past but I’m not afraid to go back on my word if people didn't stand tall on their end."
Vengeance for what? What was done in the past? What is the word you could go back on? And what does 'standing tall' entail? You know, but I am left questioning.

"I know that staying out of contact with them was the hardest thing I ever had to do but it was the safest way and the only way."
The safest way implies there are others more dangerous, the only way contradicts that


"I know if I get back and the people who forced me to leave have went (gone) back on their promise there is going to be hell to pay."
What promise?

nyxfell
January 26th, 2013, 01:33 AM
I agree with much of what has already been said, but in addition, I think the intro would be more thrilling for the reader if you cut out a lot of the backstory. For example, the beginning of this sample starts off with the narrator being found dead and burnt. If you don't explain why, that will leave the readers more interested in reading on to find out. You could reveal the background throughout the course of the story, even if you're continuing this from like a ghost's perspective or something.
Putting bits together to be something more like this could be better:


9 years ago today I was found dead in a forest with half my body burned to a crisp in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago, my family and majority of my friends wept over my grave and forgave me for what I have done. They didn't know exactly why it had happened and they couldn't tell you who I was but just broken up pieces of what they thought and what they heard through gossip. That day really did kill me and everything I was, I myself died inside but I and my body still roamed a beautiful part of the country that hid me from the rest of the world. Everybody knew my name but most people thought it was myth till they had crossed my path.

I sit here today packing my bags to go back. I truly hope the people that forced me to leave let me live back in what was once my town, and what hurts the most is that I must face the people that loved me most and thought I was dead and buried for the past nine years. It will hurt even worse if they can’t let me back into their lives because without them it wouldn't be my home town. I promised myself I wouldn't stay away more than double digits in years, and now I’m coming up on what is ten years. I’m honestly not sure if everybody I know is still alive I really don’t know if my parents are still alive. I know that staying out of contact with them was the hardest thing I ever had to do but it was the safest way and the only way. I know if I get back and the people who forced me to leave have went back on their promise there is going to be hell to pay. I’m coming back in peace but I hold great vengeance in my heart and what is done is in the past but I’m not afraid to go back on my word if people didn't stand tall on their end.

It all started with a friend.

Just something to think about when you get around to editing. I know it's just a first draft, so I overlooked the grammar. I do think you have a good potential plot going here.

Ever2222
January 28th, 2013, 11:17 PM
Well, for starters, the grammar and punctuation really needs to be checked upon, and fixed. I understand that this is only a draft, so maybe the grammar is alright. But it takes away from your flow, and makes it tough to read. However, it does show some potential.

randomwriting
January 31st, 2013, 10:16 AM
I fixed most of what I thought was relevant and changed some wording. Any comments are appreciated. Hopefully its better.




9 Years ago today I was found dead with my body burned down to just bones, I was deep in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago. My funeral took place not long after the discovery of my body and my family and majority of my friends wept over my grave and had forgiven me for what I had done. Even know they didn't know exactly why it had happened and they couldn't tell you who I was, I kept everything I could from the people I cared about. The most family and friends could tell you would just be broken up pieces of what they thought and what they heard through back channels, nobody had any real idea how I made my money. But regardless that day really did kill me and everything I was, I myself died inside but I and my body still roamed a beautiful part of the country that hid me from the rest of the world. I had to leave my home town because if I didn't I would have been dead or in jail and then dead by some order. I would like to think that my family would be left out of this but that’s just a thought most of my family would have been brutally murdered just on principal. I got in a life which there is no escaping once you make the commitment to travel down the path. In retrospect it might have been a bad decision but it led me to a life of underground fortune and fame. Everybody knew my name but most people thought it was myth till they had crossed my path, I wasn't a violent person by nature but I had violent things done on my behalf.

I sit here today packing my bags to go back. I truly hope the people that forced me to leave let me live back in what was once my town, not to mention there is a good chance they’ll be dead. Thinking while traveling back I come upon what hurts the most, which is that I must face the people that loved me most and thought for the past 9 years that I was dead and buried. It will hurt even worse if they can’t let me back into their lives because without them it wouldn't be my home town. I promised myself I wouldn't stay away more than double digits in years, and now I’m coming up on what is ten years. I’m honestly not sure if everybody I know is still alive I don’t even know if my parents are still alive. I know that staying out of contact with them was the hardest thing I ever had to do but it was the safest way and the only way. I know if I get back and the people who forced me to leave have went back on their promise they will be dealt with accordingly and this time I’ll be completing the orders not doling them out. I’m coming back in peace but I hold great vengeance in my heart and what is done is in the past but I’m not afraid to go back on my word if people didn't stand tall on their end.

The moment I was forced to leave I had told my close friend, my right hand, and the only person I have truly known my whole life to distribute basically all of my money to the family with a note that explained a few things. I told him to write this down and to distribute the amounts I told him to distribute and what to give to whom, he didn't know what was happening but had an idea because he was so close to me. He said to me after this was all over. Will this be last time I hear from you? The only thing I replied back was “just take care of it you’re the only person who can”.

Well Lets start out by saying there is 2 ways to be addicted to drugs. One way is too be physically addicted to what it does to your body and mind. The second way is the money and the reputation it brings you, for me it was the second way but from my personal experience it’s much safer to be addicted the first way. I was 19 going on 20 and to my surprise I was making good money at my day job, enough to be able to move out and enough to be on my own with the ability to be able to invest and save money. The moving out is what got me in the most trouble if I would have stayed at home a couple more years my life would have been a lot different. But because of an independent streak I needed to move out, this made me grow up a little faster and be a little jaded towards the real world. Once I moved out I embraced my freedom and started making choices just because I could, this matched with a loose moral code and a small unforgiving conscience was an easy way to explain how I became a drug dealer. It wasn't something I planned but it’s a life that has always pulled at me since high school, I was strong enough to resist dealing in school because I always had something to distract me. I was never into doing drugs it just didn't pull me in like it did others plus it seemed drugs brought more bad than good. But as soon as I saw people dealing and the money it brought them I was interested and after high school it sucked me in, it had to be the money I told myself it couldn't have been anything else. So by the time I got out of high school and after being at a miserable job for over a year the drugs sucked me in.

It started with a friend of mine not one of my best friends not a close friend just somebody that I hung out with here and there and somebody that I always talked shop with, we always bounced business idea’s off each other and most of the time they were illegitimate business plans more of a hustle or a scam type of thing. See I knew he dealt a little here and there but nothing big just something to keep him a little extra money on the side so he could have nice things but never anything on a big scale. He dealt cocaine and for those of you who don’t know cocaine, cocaine is one of the worst drugs to start dealing its expensive people don’t fuck around and most of the people that deal cocaine were like the class valedictorians of the weed dealers. Majority of the people that deal cocaine get there start with something smaller like weed and move up the line. The reason for this is cocaine is expensive to deal, a kilo of cocaine will run you about $20,000. Also another issue is cocaine will also get you a lot more jail time than weed. Think about it this way, weed gets college kids high and cocaine will make a junky kill somebody over a vile of coke, you can see why the government is a little harsher on the punishments for cocaine. So basically people that can’t save up enough money to deal coke or aren't able to have a pair of balls generally aren't great candidates for dealing coke. For me neither of these are an issue I’m good with money and have always had a pair of balls not to mention I’m not a moron either. These 3 things didn't help me to resist dealing coke. See my breaking point was this it costs $20k for a kilo and if you break it down and sell it by the gram you can turn your $20k into about $49,000. After I realized this and had the money to start dealing, it was a no brainer. Like I said it all started with a friend.

randomwriting
January 31st, 2013, 10:19 AM
When and where did you get the inspiration to write this?


This idea is actually some years old. The inspiration basically just comes from the neighborhood I grew up in and the people I have come to know through life.

Any reason for the interest?

ash
February 12th, 2013, 08:51 PM
I would suggest trying to break up the the way you're telling the reader things, and try showing the reader some things. It'll help with your flow. For instance,

It's been nine years to the day since I was found dead. My body was unrecognizable, burned to the bone and wrapped in a trash bag, left to be found by a family vacationing at a forest reserve just outside of Englewood (is this a Chicago suburb?). The coroners could only identify me by my dental records, so it was understandable that my family held a closed casket funeral, which suited me just fine. How embarrassing to be so exposed, especially after what I've done.

The friends and family that attended seemed truly saddened. They forgave me, but ... ect

Incorporate sounds, smells, feelings. The sky is the limit. Also, don't forget to write out numbers. Nine instead of 9. I believe this the rule for number up to one hundred, but I don't recall off hand. Someone may know better than I. Good luck!

Atmo
February 17th, 2013, 11:17 AM
I fixed most of what I thought was relevant and changed some wording. Any comments are appreciated. Hopefully its better.


Yes, your second revision you posted is better. It seems to me that you have the ability to deliver an interesting and exciting narrative, but that it is largely limited by your skill as a writer. To state that you lack skill in your writing is very general to say the least, and in of itself is not helpful, so I will explain more what I mean, using examples as often as I can to make it easier to understand what I'm trying to say.

First of all, the grammar in one's writing is very important. I'm sure you're aware of this already, but you may not be aware of just how damaging it is to the reader's ability to get into your story. I do have some sympathy for the modern writer's mind in this regard, because more and more people are becoming used to grammar being sloppy--I would go as far as to say butchered--due to the fact that so many of us mostly write emails and texts, and little else. For a writer's mind, this is very dangerous. Let me give you an example to better illustrate this danger. Imagine that there is no form of locomotion available to us other than walking and running. You walk to your job in the morning (probably run to it more often than you care to admit), walk to accomplish your errands, run excitedly to a party that your friends are all attending, and because of all these opportunities for exercise your body is able to deftly scale rough terrain, perhaps even mountainous areas, and through it all your heart barely quickens. Then, introduce vehicles that effectively make it so no one has to run, or even hardly walk, anywhere ever again. At first, the convenience and speed at which people reach their destinations is wonderfully efficient and seems to offer only improvement with no downside, but as time goes on you realize that you tire more easily, you cannot run for more than a block without feeling out of breath, and a hill looks more to you like a barricade than simply another place for you to walk on. We all know what this is like, and the same happens to your ability to write when you text things hurriedly, ignoring grammar and punctuation, shoot off an email with run-on sentences and incorrect capitalization, etc. I'm focusing so much on this because it points to the most important principle a writer must follow: do not be lazy when you write. The lazier your writing is, the more work you make the readers do to understand what you're writing. Any poor punctuation at all is a landmine placed on the tracks upon which their train of thought will be traveling: not all of them will necessarily derail or distract them, but some surely will, and that's enough to pull them out of the moment, forcing them to re-read at least one of your previous sentences to get back into it. I probably don't need to tell you that the more your writing forces your reader to do this, the more likely it becomes that your reader will become frustrated no matter how good the story is, just because of the grammar.

A simple example:


9 Years ago today I was found dead with my body burned down to just bones, I was deep in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago.


When I read this and reach your comma, my mind is expecting for you to elaborate on this thought, but you don't. You begin a new thought after the comma. See if this is a bit easier for you to read:

9 years ago today I was found dead with my body burned down to just bones. I was deep in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago.

Not a big change in this case, but a small improvement. Let me give a more dramatic example; it might help to make my point.

"That morning I woke up with the sun, I was on my way to see my favorite person in the whole world, I decided to travel by train because it was too far to walk, I had no idea that a landmine was planted on that very track that very day specifically to derail me from my destination, it worked, I was found dead with my body burned down to the bones."

Now read it this way:

"That morning I woke up with the sun. I was on my way to see my favorite person in the whole world. I decided to travel by train because it was too far to walk. I had no idea that a landmine was planted on that very track that very day specifically to derail me from my destination. It worked. I was found dead with my body burned down to the bones."

Did you find the corrected version a little easier to read? Proper punctuation is part of the language; they are as important as the words you choose, because they tell the reader how to read your thoughts, and even create rhythm and timing in your narrative. Those periods I added tell the reader that I am done with that thought. Now their minds are prepared to add another thought, and another. Complete thoughts don't always end in periods, as grammar teaches us, but getting your periods entered properly is going to help your piece a lot.

One more example of how grammar's making your writing hard to read. Let's look at your first sentence again:



9 Years ago today I was found dead with my body burned down to just bones, I was deep in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago.


I know what you're trying to do here, and it's a good and exciting idea. You want to surprise the reader later with the fact that you aren't actually dead, but that your death was actually staged. However, you wrote a run-on sentence, and in this instance, you can easily mislead your reader in two very different directions. Are you trying to say that they believed they found your body, but that you were actually in a forest preserve in Chicago at the time of the discovery? Or were you trying to say that the staged body was discovered in the forest preserve? I'm pretty sure the answer is the second one, but I had to re-read that several times to feel certain. That's a lot of re-reading to understand such a basic statement. Let's assume you were trying to say you were just elaborating on where the staged body was found. You could write it like this:

9 Years ago today I was found dead with my body burned down to just bones, deep in the middle of a forest preserve in the south suburbs of Chicago.

Again, subtle, but now it is perfectly clear what you're saying. The run-on sentence was eliminated, and it's clear that the statement after the comma is just further explanation. If you intended to say you were in Chicago at the time of the discovery in that first sentence, you could write something like:

9 Years ago today was the day the Chicago Police Department made the official announcement on national television that they had discovered my body, burnt down to the bones. I didn't see the original broadcast; where I was hiding out at the time, the closest TV was over 100 miles away.


Again, I'm pretty sure you were trying to explain where the body was found, but I wanted to give the example just in case.


I would like to talk more about your style of prose. One of the best ways to improve your prose is to read good writers. Find writers that are creating the kind of fiction you love, and do your best to find writers that write thoughtfully, that are writing in ways you haven't read before. You want to get your mind excited about all the different ways you can explain how things feel, how things happen, how things ARE. Remember, the way you tell your story is as important as the story itself. Avoid explaining things in a generic way. Give detail, color, character. Try to avoid general exposition like this:



Iím honestly not sure if everybody I know is still alive I donít even know if my parents are still alive. I know that staying out of contact with them was the hardest thing I ever had to do but it was the safest way and the only way. I know if I get back and the people who forced me to leave have went back on their promise they will be dealt with accordingly and this time Iíll be completing the orders not doling them out.


Try something like:

The hardest thing was not knowing if anyone I used to know was still alive. I would have a dream of being with my brother in south side on a hot summer day, trying out yo' mamma jokes on each other like we used to do when we'd walk the long way to the Cranston Park basketball courts, making each other laugh while the big summer sun got bigger, turning everything orange, until I woke up to the sun creeping into the cracks of my hideout, realizing he might be dead, might have been dead for years. The only outside information I had access to over those 9 years was the Chicago Chronicle I would sometimes remove out of a state park garbage bin located about 8 miles from the hideout. It wasn't far from my daily rounds, and I considered the idea of walking there every day just to check the obituaries, as I had no other way of knowing if any of my friends or family were still alive, but I ultimately thought better of it; it was already hard enough to believe in a life in Chicago after this, and a daily death toll of my hometown was not going make that any easier to believe in.



I'm looking forward to seeing you bring this story to life because you've got an exciting premise, but bring us into a day, a moment, because if you don't, your story is going to feel like an outline of a story you want to write. Does that make sense? Start putting us in this person's shoes, put us through some of his experiences moment by moment, and watch that grammar!