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rotsuchi1
January 23rd, 2013, 06:09 PM
The diary of Kera night

Another work of mine from when i was a little younger, I think i was 17 but im not sure maybe i was still 16... i had a habit of starting something without finishing it... ^^'

October seventeenth 2:07am

Everything is a barren wasteland. There are no longer any LIVE people. They’re all dead… gone. At least as far as I know. Lately I’ve wondered who could be out there, but I never leave, the streets are filled with those monsters. I hope that there is at least one human survivor, one other than me, but that hope is lost, there is no one….

I’ve been having dreams, of what used to be, of mother, of father… When everything was normal… which was only a few days ago, two to be exact. Then everything happened, all good went bad, all sane become insane… all normal became abnormal.


October fifteenth


~memory~

I awoke to ac /dc blaring on the alarm clock. Which, for some reason, was the only thing that woke me up… I sighed not wanting to crawl from the comfort of my bed. I glanced half-heartedly at the alarm clock- 7:30 am- too early for me to wake up on a week end. I turned over and covered my head to try to catch a few more moments of sleep…

“Kera!!!!” mom’s voice called from down the hall, she sounded angry… maybe she was just tired…

I threw the blankets from my body and clumsily jumped from the bed. My legs felt like lead so I thumped down thehallway until I came to the kitchen where mom stood making toast.

“What…?” I croaked as I flopped into a wooden kitchen chair and stared longingly at the coffee pot. I always drunk coffee or I could not wake up fully.

“Nothing Hun just wanted some company…,” she smiled behind her hand; she had a habit of doing that when shewas picking on me. Dad came skipping down the hallway -not literally- he sat down quickly

“Hello, good morning!”Mom and I both looked at each otherin question.“

Why are you so peppy?” I asked,laying my head down on the kitchen table.

“Because… because I am.” He lookedthoughtful for a moment. After a second his thoughtful look disappeared.

“Well I can tell…” I sighed andlooked back to the coffee pot which dripped slowly, teasing me.

Mom looked at the clock and bit her bottomlip “I have to get to work its 7:45…,”

“I’ll drive!” Dad stood as quickly ashe sat and grabbed the keys from the kitchen table “shall we?” he held out hishand like a ‘gentleman’ from the old movies.Mom giggled like a school girl andgrabbed his hand before they both took off. My eyes again turned to the coffee pot, halfway there… I closed my eyes with a sigh, why was it so slow? Fifteen minutes for one pot? I must’ve fallen asleep for a while…when I awoke the sun was shining brightly through the white lacy curtains in the kitchen. In the living room I heard static, loud and hissing. I stood and went to spectate. Nothing was on T.V… I flipped through each channel- still nothing- that ruined my day… that meant there was no way I could watch my cartoons. I dragged myself to the kitchen andlooked to the stove-clock, 12:37pm… I slept that long? I felt a twinge in my stomach, Dad should’ve been home by now… I worried about everything… without hesitation my eyes darted across the room to the telephone, Dad didn’t have a cell, but mom had a office number, I could call her and see if she knew anything. I practically leaped across the room and yanked the phone from its resting place on the wall. I dialed quickly.

“I’m sorry but the number your trying to call isunavailable at this time, please hang up and try again. I’m sorry but the number your trying to call isunavailable at this time, please hang up and try again…,” was the only answer. I began biting my finger nails nervously. ‘Whatif he’s hurt… or in the hospital… or held up at a bank…,’ my mind raced. ‘What should I do? What can I do?’

The sound of the static on the TV stopped; my legs carried me half-mindedly into the living room. A woman reporter was crouched down beneath a desk. She seemed scared and was holding the left leg ofthe desk.“Hello… my name is KarenMcGlow and I am reporting for maybe my last time… monsters… hideous… like they came from a horror film… have been taking over New York… the first sighting was this morning at 8;00am when a couple was walking into Instrite Computer Center…the woman was attacked and died.. the man was killed trying to protect her…,”she whispered “if you’re out there stay indoors… stay safe and away from them…,” in the corner of the screen a deformed, pale skinned person came into view, it grabbed the reporter's leg and began tearing her apart. Her screams made me shiver… Then the staticreturned. I sat stunned at what just happened, and at where it all started. ‘Instrite Computer Center’ (I.C.C)… the office in which mom worked… What if the couple that had been walking into the building was mom and dad? Then that meant I was alone… I stood and began pacing, a habit I caught from Dad. I needed to get out, but how? I had no car, no license, no friendly neighbors… No… I had to walk; I needed to get there, because if they weren’t dead they needed help. I quickly ran to my room and shoved on my shoes and a thin overcoat before dashing to the door. With one last glance at ‘normal’ I stepped outside. My heart raced in anxiety as I walked slowly down the stairs of my small appartment and stepped onto the soil of a dying world. A world full of those things… at the time I thought there was only one -one threat and it was inside of the I.C.C- I was far from the truth… The streets looked deserted, no one in sight- which if it were a smaller town it’d probably be normal- this was New York the city that never has a clear road. I shivered, not from the cold but for the fear that was building at the back of my throat and slithered down my spine almost freezing me to the ground, but I kept walking straight forward.The only good thing about that day was that the streets were clear and I made it to the building in no time. At that time I hadn’t seen one of THEM yet… My hand extended forward and grasped the cold handle of the door. I opened it slowly, opened it to see papers flung everywhere and a woman lying of the floor.

“E… excuse me? Are you okay?” I walked slowly towards her. Her body twitched and her head flung upward. Her eyes were glazed over with a white film and her skin looked old and wrinkly. On her shoulder was blood, a bite… “Oh my… god,” I backed up just in time…. She lunged forward trying to grab me. “Stop this!” I screamed still managing to avoid her grip. I heard a crackling noise behind me and more people with glazedover eyes and white -literally white- skin were behind me. I quickly ran toward the elevator and pressed the button repeatedly. After a few seconds I gave up and dashed for the stairs and flung the door open- hitting one of THEM in the face in the process-. I ran as fast as I could up the stairs, which was good because they weren’t so fast. I got to the top floor after a while… Mom’s floor. I open the door cautiously and peered down the long hallway in front of me “Mom…?,” my voice echoed down the hall, as if I was in a large empty room. I inched along the wall slowly, my eyes darting in every which direction. “Mom…,” my voice crackled a bit, making me sound as if I was going to cry; which I was. I came upon a small room I hadn’t noticed before, it was lit dimly by a smalldesk lamp. As far as I could see the room was both empty and safe. A bunch of books fell from a shelf tomy left making me turn my head wip-lash fast. A small black kitten with whitepaws stood on the third shelf peering at me with frightened eyes. It turned its attention to the door and let out a soft, almost hoarse, mew. it was scared of whatever it was out there - like me. I slowly reached a trembling hand in its direction before another loud noise came from down the hallway. The kitten leaped onto my shoulder and hid beneath my hair. I kneeled beside the desk and peeked at the door, someone was waddling down the hallway groaning. This person, like the others before, was ashen and pale with blood all over his clothing. I managed to stifle a gasp and sat underneath the desk with my back to the door. I began to cry, everything was over…

It was a while before I managed to escape I.C.C… there were more of them than before… I still didn’t see neither of you… I walked for what seemed like hours and found a small gas station that had only a few cars parked outside. I figured it would be my best shot; less vehicles meant less people came there so there’d be less of THEM. I opened the doors slowly, it seemed rather normal (except the absence of the cashier), the shelves weren’t knocked about like the equipment in I.C.C. I tapped the counter loudly, if there was any of them there they’d come running at the slightest noise. After a few moments of waiting I walked to the first isle and looked down it- I was tired. I needed to sleep; this seemed like the safest place I came across… I found my way into a office inside the gas station. This was where I slept that night- with the kitten curled up against me and the door of the office shut tight of course…The sixteenth was much like the day before; I wondered, even ‘borrowed’ a car to get farther. Still every interstate I got off of the city was empty…. The world was gone…. The only heirs to the world were in fact THEM, they seemed to multiply with each city I traveled. Tons of them… Thousands… maybe even millions. Present day…In my memory I hold shots of horror films and I decided to call those creatures zombies. They feed off of human flesh and every human bit by them turn into one themselves. I still manage to avoid them… Their instincts are based on sound and smell alone. Why? Because every organ in their body went shot as they died. They’re walking meat sacks that want to eat you, and they’re rather slow so you can out run them even if you run slow. The only time they can get you is if they catch you by surprise.

Mom I’ve been reflecting… remember how I used to say I wanted the world to myself? Then I’d be able to do anything I want, but I never truly wanted to be alone… I miss you and Dad… I guess that’s why they say be careful what you wish for…

SarahStrange
January 24th, 2013, 01:05 AM
I really want to know how this ends. As in, I'd like to see the entirety of her story. The story line is very entertaining and kept me interested the whole way through, so good job! I also found myself liking your narrator. She seemed to be a bit spunky, and I liked that. Her voice was interesting.

Now for the critique. It's mainly grammatical, so easy fixes:

Okay, first impression reading the first paragraph: way way too many '...'s and much too small of a font. When an author uses too many '...' it comes off at trying to be dramatic. The reader can therefore tell. The reader doesn't want to know how hard you are trying. They just want to get the tone and context from the authors words without thinking about it.

Also you don't need to to say *memory*. Readers will understand that it is a flashback since it says it is at a earlier date.

I'll just take one paragraph and edit it and you can apply it to the rest of the piece.

“I’ll drive!” Dad stood as quickly as space he sat and grabbed the keys from the kitchen table .“Shall we?” He held out his space hand like a gentleman from the old movies. spaceMom giggled like a school girl and space grabbed his hand before they both took off. My eyes the reader will know that you are looking at the pot if you just describe it. You don't have to say "my eyes" again turned to the coffee pot, halfway there. I closed my eyes with a sigh, why was it so slow…<--this is not needed? Fifteen minutes for one pot? I must’ve fallen asleep for a while…get rid of. Also, I was confused as to how she fell asleep. Add some imagery about her head on the table or something like that. The falling asleep thing was really abrupt. when I awoke the sun was shining brightly through the white lacy curtains in the kitchen. In the living room I heard static, loud and hissing. I stood and went to spectate ??? This isn't a word that the general reader would know. Try to stick to common language though don't underestimate the intelligence of your reader all the same. Nothing was on T.V… okay, so there are a lot of ... in the next couple sentences. I;m going to rework it without them for you. I flipped through each channel. Still nothing. That ruined my day. That meant there was no way I could watch my cartoons. I dragged myself to the kitchen and looked to the stove-clock, 12:37pm. I slept that long? She was asleep at the table? I felt a twinge in my stomach, dad should’ve been home by now. I worried about everything. Without hesitation <-- try to stay away from words like 'suddenly' and 'without hesitation'. They sort of clutter up the reader's process. my eyes darted across the room to the telephone. Dad didn’t have a cell, but mom had a office number, I could call her and see if she knew anything. I practically leaped across the room and yanked the phone from its resting place on the wall. I dialed quickly.

Overall, interesting story that I'd like to know the conclusion to :)

rotsuchi1
January 24th, 2013, 03:49 PM
thank you very much ^_^