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View Full Version : My January WF challenge submission: Neon Apocalypsis



Xalor
January 22nd, 2013, 03:58 PM
I didn't submit this because I felt it was incomplete, but I am posting it here to see what some of you think.



U.T. 2307.06.21


10:37 A.M.


A pregnant mechanical pelican soars in the sunlight above a grey sea of clouds. The metallic bird has borne its sun from a distant land and is nearly due.


Below the veil of clouds the sun is absent, and the winds are violent. A child stands and stares to the east at the great megaliths that soar before him. Rough winds with sheets of coarse sand test his resolution as he waits for the sun.

The boy clutches a metal box that emits the voices of leaders from distant powers, “…Today the sun will descend upon them and obliterate the evils that lurk in the shadows of their great monuments; the hand of God will strike down their injustices!”


The metallic pelican shudders and gives birth, dropping the sun into the cloud-sea below. A small black object plops through the clouds and plummets to the metropolis.


The boy points up at the object, “the sun!”


A second passes, and the wait is over. A flash of white burns the eyes of any witnesses who dare attempt to see the light of God. The light fades, the earth shudders, and the air tides violently, like a tsunami after a terrific quake in the earth. The grand city is decimated, only a monstrous crater marks the land in its place. Snow-like ash blankets the gash in the land, yet two small, perfectly preserved shoe-prints imprint the land just outside the city.


The clouds part as a cloud of death sinks into the sky. Another blast of light appears on the horizon, and then another, and another, all striking densely populated metropolises. Electronic eyes peer upon the planet from a ship among the stars and weep at what they see.

CharlieParker82
January 24th, 2013, 01:55 PM
I have no idea what's going on but I'm a big fan of the style. I really like the way it flows. Has a nice rhythm to it. I'm interested in reading some of your other work.

The Rust on the Razor
January 24th, 2013, 02:45 PM
I am a sucker for apocalypse stories. They terrify me and compel me at the same time! This piece feels like a screen play- I can imaginine it in a movie. The scene it sets is more powerful than the story it tells, if that makes any sense.

For example, when you say " The light fades, the earth shudders, and the air tides violently, like a tsunami after a terrific quake in the earth. The grand city is decimated, only a monstrous crater marks the land in its place" it is a dispassionate view of what is happening, and I didn't get a sense of why that was important to the story or how it could develop if all the characters had been annihilated. (Of course, a city being decimated would probably be important in any setting but there was no inkling here as to how that had any bearing on the story)

I liked the pregnant pelican metaphor for the helicopter, and it "giving birth" to the (h?) bomb- you've identified the piece as being incomplete, so perhaps fleshing it out a little would tidy up/continue these loose ends.

Is Apocalypsis the plural of apocalypse? Or something else? Genuine question!

CharlieParker82
January 24th, 2013, 03:41 PM
I liked the pregnant pelican metaphor for the helicopter, and it "giving birth" to the (h?) bomb- you've identified the piece as being incomplete, so perhaps fleshing it out a little would tidy up/continue these loose ends.


I missed this completely, I honestly thought he meant a metal pelican! I saw it as some strange sci fi

Xalor
January 26th, 2013, 11:20 PM
Thank you both for your feedback. And the metal carrier is metaphoric for a airplane. A bird has wings as does a plane... Lol but u were right about the h bomb.
I believe Apocalypsis is Latin... I'm not sure if its the plural as well. The title is a refrance to neon genesis evangeleon.

FleshEater
January 26th, 2013, 11:58 PM
The first time I read this I had no idea what in the world this was talking about. After you said it was a metaphor for a plane then I got it.

I'm not a big fan of this kind of literature, so this comes off as just okay to me. I think there could have been a lot more that moved the story along, rather than focusing on the plane and the bomb for so long. I think taking maybe a mother and daughter, father and son, whatever, and telling the story through their eyes more literally, would have made this solid.

The reader is very distant from the devastation of this bomb wiping a city off the face of the earth, much like we are of WWII bombings (tragic yes, but unless told in a heart breaking manner, not much emotion is stirred discussing it anymore). A lack of connection in a story with a 650 word limit usualy hurts it, rather than help it.

Kevin
January 27th, 2013, 12:30 AM
An image of Hiroshima came to mind. I guess only the crew and the survivors might know what they were witnessing. The survivors only afterward.