PDA

View Full Version : Santa? (warning content may not be suitable for some)



rotsuchi1
January 18th, 2013, 05:31 PM
No one could even imagine the horrid events that took place that eve of Christmas several years back. I know i will surely never forget. They said it was merely a disappearance. They didn't believe me, but I saw what really happened.

The homestead of these horrid events was my deceased aunt’s. She had died several months back and left the cabin to Jed, my cousin. Jed was several moons older than I, he was as sharp as a needle too, but he had ill-humor. Since Jed was only fifteen back then, my mother and father had agreed to keep up with the cabin until he was of age.
The cabin wasn’t very big, four rooms, and one room was nailed shut. Mother had warned us not to so much as take a peek, even if the door was open somehow. She said ‘curiosity killed the cat’ though at the time I didn’t know how knowledge filled those words were… nor did I heed them.

That night when the family had finally devoured their morsels we were all sent to bed. Mother warned Jed and I once more not to enter the sealed room. Any other time I would listen, but that night Jed dared me to take a gander at the door after he claimed that the contents of that room was the reason grandpa could no longer see. I didn’t believe him, three fourths of what Jed said was bologna. He merely took humor in my lack of trust and urged me to look in the room at two past two.
It was soon midnight and by that time Jed had already fallen asleep. I sat alone, my thoughts constantly on the door, and what could be behind it. Twelve turned to one. I paced the halls, still awake and alone…. Then one turned two, I faced the door, standing not five inches from it. The nails were laying on the floor leaving a bunch of holes all over the door frame. None of the nails were broken, and looked to me like they were in the same shape as before. My heartbeat accelerated as the door slowly creaked open on its own. When it was fully open there was only dust and cobwebs. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except... There was a mangled, rotten looking pair of eyes lying on the floor. I let out a shriek and scrambled to my room, where Jed was asleep in his bed. I shook him with fiery and he woke with a start. I told him what I saw which made him laughed. He said he was only joking and stood from the covers then headed to the door, where the optics once laid upon the floor.

Being me I followed behind him a few feet back. When he got to the door the optics were no longer on the floor. He laughed a throaty laugh and walked inside the room to taunt me. A creature not of this dimension came up behind him. This creature was evil, I could see by its grin, and the gore spread across its snout and onto its lips, its teeth which we jagged and pointed every which way, its claws which looked like hooks for catching prey…but most of all the human appendages which were hanging out of the velvet bag on its back. Red liquid oozed from the bag and i could see meat through holes which were torn here and there. The hideous abomination dug one of its claws into Jed’s neck; Jed made a gurgling noise and fell quiet. I watched in horror as the creature ripped Jed limb-from-limb, first it was an arm. Blood confettied the walls. Then it was a leg, meat flew unto the ceiling. Some of the limbs the monster threw into its nappy, horrible bag, while others it’d put into its crooked mouth and swallow whole, making a grinding crunching noise. The door shut with a slam, leaving me to stand in the hall, staring blankly.
A few weeks later I was still receiving gifts when I came across one with no name. There was a note attached to it that read:



Dear Alice,

You have been an exceptionally good child this year, though you didn’t listen to your mother… I’m sure you will now…




Merry Christmas
I shook the box and heard a thump.I smiled as I tore away the wrapping paper. Inside was a box, with a very noticeable red-brown stain, but I didn’t pay any mind to that. Instead I opened it then tossed it away in horror. Inside was Jed’s head, the flesh his forehead was eroding and maggots festered through the top of his skull, his skin began to bubble, then it gave way making more maggots fall about in the box. His eyes were gone, and in the place of his eyes was worms burrowing into his sockets. A centipede weaved through his gaped out teeth. Then his head began pulsating ,and exploded, spilling his brains all over my carpet and walls. Inside his skull was a rat, its fur was caked with thick, rotten blood and bits of brains,It somehow resembled the creature from the cabin. It peered up at me and grinned the same grin the creature gave before it devoured Jed...

rotsuchi1
January 18th, 2013, 06:14 PM
this is a very short story, my teacher told us to write a gothic short story and this is it. other than spacing it hasnt been edited since

Nemesis
January 18th, 2013, 07:13 PM
There are a number of spag errors and it readys a bit choppy, but I was greatly confused when I read this:


Then one turned two, I faced the door, standing not five inches from it. It slowly perched open, making my heart beat accelerate…when it was fully open there was only dust and cobwebs. Nothing out of the ordinary… except... there were two eroding optics lying on the floor

Edit: A friend helped me out with the "eroding optics thing" I now understand what you were trying to say, but it would have been better if you'd described the eyes first (clearly saying that they are eyeballs) and then referred back to them as eroding optics, rather then use that same term multiple times. This will give the reader a better mental image of what you are trying to describe

jedellion
January 19th, 2013, 09:06 AM
Hmm, this started off quite nicely.

I have to say i did find it a little gory, perhaps over the top in places. Gothic does not have to mean grisly, you could have made this much more scary and disturbing by suggesting bad things rather than giving us a technicolour 3D bloodfest.

I will need to think about this and try to give some more helpful advice. i'll be back.

James_KirkPatrick
January 19th, 2013, 09:59 AM
I think this story has a lot of potential, especially since you were only 16 when you wrote it. I would love to read an updated version if you were to edit it.

As the story stands, there are a lot of things that confused me...

I also struggled with the "eroding optics" line. I thought you were talking about glasses, since I imagine eyeballs (or any dead flesh) to rot rather than erode.

Jed's death seemed sort of rushed to me and while I assume the monster was "Santa" there is little to indicate this other than the title of the story.

In the end, I wasn't clear as to what gifts the character had been receiving regularly. At first I assumed they were Jed's body parts but that didn't seem right after the main characters reaction to seeing the rotten head. I think if you had put something in the story explaining how the parents reacted to Jed's death the story would be more believable. Jed dies and life seems to carry on uninterrupted. Since you suggested the parents knew what was in the room, perhaps they endured it with the solemn understanding that they are the stewards of a vile monster.

In the beginning you stated that the door was cemented shut, but then go on to talk about it being opened. While the parents try to discourage the kids from approaching or opening the door, it turns out to be a futile request because the creature seems to be able to come and go as it pleases.

I think there is a really neat story to be told here and I think it is how the family came to have a evil Santa locked away in their home, and why Santa is a monster. If you were to develop some of these factors and tighten up some of the plot holes, I think this would be a really fun story. I hope you are inspired to work on it some more and re post it when you are finished. I'd like to see what you would do with it now that you are older.

Best wishes,

J

rotsuchi1
January 22nd, 2013, 05:28 PM
thank you all very much :) i will try to rewrite it and add more to it, afterwards i will post it and see how you like the changes

rave
January 29th, 2013, 08:59 AM
you must have been a creepy 16 year old haha, i like it however i cant remember what they are called but their was a pagan religion in eastern or northern europe who believed in rather unjoly creatures that came out around midwinters night (what evolved into christmas) and did all the normal monster things, killing/kidnapping children, murdering and feeding on livestock, causing havoc etc., if you were trying to make this something besides a short story maybe head in that direction? not enough is being done with all the old pagan european religions and they have some great monsters

rotsuchi1
January 29th, 2013, 05:31 PM
yeah lol I always liked creepy stuff ( maybe I still am... ) , I have read Stephen King novels since I was in 5th grade

rotsuchi1
January 29th, 2013, 05:33 PM
i like it however i cant remember what they are called but their was a pagan religion in eastern or northern europe who believed in rather unjoly creatures that came out around midwinters night (what evolved into christmas) and did all the normal monster things, killing/kidnapping children, murdering and feeding on livestock, causing havoc etc.,

I did not know this. it is interesting. at the time i was just writing a short story ( mind you around Christmas...) and the idea popped in my mind so i had to go with it

CharlieParker82
January 29th, 2013, 05:49 PM
Hmm, this started off quite nicely.

I have to say i did find it a little gory, perhaps over the top in places. Gothic does not have to mean grisly, you could have made this much more scary and disturbing by suggesting bad things rather than giving us a technicolour 3D bloodfest.

I will need to think about this and try to give some more helpful advice. i'll be back.

I agree with this comment. The story has promise but it would be better if you underplayed the voilent death. At the moment it is too much. I could see this working in a grand house from the 1800's, something with a history and gothic atmosphere.

The optics bit also confused me. I agree with Noxicity with how this could be changed.

Also there are a lot of problems with the parents and the door and the monster etc which has already been mentioned by James.

I think theres a story here, but it would be better to strip it down and make it tighter.