PDA

View Full Version : Jennifer Next Door - Short Story



BrandonTheWriter
January 16th, 2013, 05:25 PM
Jennifer Next Door (2013) - Short Story.

It was a Monday morning and I was getting ready for the day ahead. As usual, I was growling and whinging at anything and everything because that was just me, that was what I did. That was until I saw her, Jennifer. A new family had moved in next door and I'd never seen anyone as beautiful as her. It was like that feeling when you walk past a really stunning girl in the street and you realize you will probably never see her again. I was half way down the stairs when I heard a knock at the door, it was her. I sharply ran back up the stairs and let my mother answer it. What would I say to her?

As I was sat at the top of the stairs waiting for her to go my mother called my name, I just sat there frozen for about a minute in which she called my name again. I slowly made my way downstairs with a million thoughts running through my head, she was stood there smiling at me as I just melted. As I reached the bottom of the stairs my mother walked off and left me to talk to her, confused I asked her what she was doing to which she replied "Leaving you to meet the new girl from next door."

I just stood there awkwardly staring in to her eyes, I couldn't help myself. I managed to work up the courage to say hello to her and welcome her to the neighborhood.
She just smiled at me and said "Thanks." as she walked off. I slowly closed the door and made my way back upstairs. I just sat at the window watching her laugh with her family outside as they were moving their stuff in their home. My heart was racing and I couldn't stop thinking about her.

I panicked as I looked at the clock, it was nearly time for me to set off for College. I sharply picked up my bag and rushed downstairs, nearly forgetting to say goodbye to my family as I rushed out. As I walked past her house she looked at me and I looked back and awkwardly attempted to smile at her.
As I walking she said "Have a nice day." to me and I awkwardly replied with "You too." She was all I could think about in College, nothing else. I even forgot about the deadline for one of my assignments which wasn't good. But at this moment in time, I really didn't care about anything else other than her.

As I walked home I was practically speed walking and I didn't even realize it, I was so eager to walk past her and see her face again. As I slowly approached my house she was sat on the sidewalk in tears, concerned, I sat beside her. I tried to ask her what was wrong but she didn't really look like she wanted to interact with me.
As I was sat there I told her that "I had to be home as my dinner would be ready soon" and that "She was welcome to visit anytime if she wanted someone to talk too." She turned to me and smiled with the tears streaming down her face.

As I made my way back upstairs at home I set my College bag down on the floor and looked out of the window at her, she turned and looked up at me in the window, I smiled at her and she smiled back to me.

bazz cargo
January 25th, 2013, 11:41 PM
Hi Brandon,
I have a confession: I don't usually read romance and I have yet to tackle writing it. It is rare for me to look in here, and I saw you had no crits so I thought, what the hell!

I'm glad I did. Despite this feeling like a scene from a novel rather than a stand alone it still has enough relevance to connect with the characters. I wonder who they are, what their pasts consist of. Will it work out for them. What challenges will they face and how will the overcome them. Quite an achievement in so few words.

Don't expect much feedback, there is nothing wrong with this to highlight. Save, maybe interact is a bit nerdish.

Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed it
Bazz

BrandonTheWriter
January 27th, 2013, 05:39 PM
Hi Brandon,
I have a confession: I don't usually read romance and I have yet to tackle writing it. It is rare for me to look in here, and I saw you had no crits so I thought, what the hell!

I'm glad I did. Despite this feeling like a scene from a novel rather than a stand alone it still has enough relevance to connect with the characters. I wonder who they are, what their pasts consist of. Will it work out for them. What challenges will they face and how will the overcome them. Quite an achievement in so few words.

Don't expect much feedback, there is nothing wrong with this to highlight. Save, maybe interact is a bit nerdish.

Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed it
Bazz

Thankyou for reading, wasn't expecting that many people to read this to be honest. I'm glad you enjoyed it, it was a mixture of what I've experienced and fiction. I would try and expand this but I feel like it works perfectly like this, I like that it left you with questions and the reader can sort of decide how the future will work for them.

WriterJohnB
January 29th, 2013, 06:22 PM
Despite what Brandon said, I found some things to highlight. This is a good start, but you need to flesh it out. The reader deserves a better description of Jenifer than "stunning." We never even learn the name of your narrator (a hazard of first-person writing.) Also, watch out for run-on sentences. But you did get one of the most important elements of romance: emotion. Bring it out a bit more.

Hope that helps. Good luck with your writing.

JohnB

Jennifer Next Door (2013) - Short Story.

It was a Monday morning and I was getting ready for the day ahead. As usual, I was growling and whining at anything and everything because that was just me, that was what I did. That was until I saw her, Jennifer. A new family had moved in next door and I'd never seen anyone as beautiful as her. It was like that feeling when you walk past a really stunning girl in the street and you realize you will probably never see her again. I was halfway down the stairs when I heard a knock at the door, it was her. (How does he know?) I sharply ran back up the stairs and let my mother answer it. What would I say to her?

As I was sat at the top of the stairs waiting for her to go, my mother called my name. I just sat there frozen for about a minute. She called my name again. I slowly made my way downstairs with a million thoughts running through my head. She was stood there smiling at me as I just melted. As I reached the bottom of the stairs my mother walked off and left me to talk to her. Confused I asked her what she was doing, to which she replied, "Leaving you to meet the new girl from next door."

I just stood there awkwardly staring into her eyes. I couldn't help myself. I managed to work up the courage to say hello to her and welcome her to the neighborhood.
She just smiled at me and said, "Thanks." as she walked off. I slowly closed the door and made my way back upstairs. I just sat at the window watching her laugh with her family outside as they were moving their stuff into their home. My heart was racing and I couldn't stop thinking about her.

I panicked as I looked at the clock; it was nearly time for me to set off for college. I sharply picked up my bag and rushed downstairs, nearly forgetting to say goodbye to my family as I rushed out. As I walked past her house she looked at me and I looked back and awkwardly attempted to smile at her.
As I walking she said "Have a nice day." I awkwardly replied, "You too." She was all I could think about in college, nothing else. I even forgot about the deadline for one of my assignments which wasn't good. But, at this moment in time, I really didn't care about anything other than her.

As I walked home I was practically speed-walking and I didn't even realize it, I was so eager to walk past her and see her face again. As I slowly approached my house, she was sat on the sidewalk in tears. Concerned, I sat beside her. I tried to ask her what was wrong but she didn't really look like she wanted to to talk.
As I was sat there I told her, "I would have to be home as my dinner would be ready soon" and that "She was welcome to visit anytime if she wanted someone to talk too." She turned to me and smiled with the tears streaming down her face. Do not use quotation marks, this is not dialogue.

As I made my way back upstairs at home I set my college bag down on the floor and looked out of the window at her. She turned and looked up at me in the window. I smiled at her and she smiled back to me.

Inchidoney
February 15th, 2013, 04:38 PM
I am glad that I read this posting, interesting. It also gave me an opportunity to see how work is examined and mistakes to watch out for.

Raz
March 3rd, 2013, 07:41 AM
Good job putting the feelings into words, it reminded me of someone I met not long ago actually, liked how everything is fast paced but deep, really great job I enjoyed it quite a lot.

The only thing is I can’t shake off the feeling that is an unfinished story, maybe something at the end that leaves you hooked could help. Besides that, is a really good work.

Tiberius
March 3rd, 2013, 08:46 AM
This shows promise. Definitely a good start, and it raises questions that would be nicely answered with a longer format. Why is she crying at the end? Where does the relationship develop to? This tale is well worth expanding on.