PDA

View Full Version : Blue



muddy13001
January 16th, 2013, 05:16 AM
The little girl ran through the streets, her wide eyes moving fast; looking at everything she passed by. The 11 year old had an ear to ear smile, which would lead anyone to believe that this was her first time experiencing the outdoors. That would be crazy if it was true. She always happy; she is a happy girl with happy thoughts. Have happy people around her and parents that are happy with the life they have.


The girl was doing her daily routine, going to the store to pick up the daily newspaper for her father. She started to do this when her parents gave her some independence. When looking at this cute little girl with her short cut dirty blond hair going great together with her perfect tan skin, you would not think she has a mind of an adult. Her parents are in the group that didn’t see that at first.


A few months ago, every morning her mother wakes her up at 7:15 to get her ready for the day with a smile. “Good morning my princess,” her mother would say to get her up. The girl would open her eyes to her mother’s smile. Getting out of bed she would see the clothes her mother picked out for her. At times it would be a little dress or a skirt with a nice shirt. The girl’s typical smile would appear when looking at them, which makes her mother's smile grow. The girl didn’t like the clothes. She hated the dresses and the skirts. She’s good with a pair of jeans and a plain shirt, so she would find ways out of wearing her mother’s picks. By saying “I don't like that one,” “that one has a stain,” or just saying “let me pick my own clothes this time mother”.


Her breakfast is on the table waiting for her. Her father would cut the pancakes into perfect squares so it's easier for her to eat. She was fully capable of cutting her own pancakes. To show her father that she can, she would use a butter knife to cut the squares smaller.


Whenever they would go out, her mother or father would be close by her side, holding her hand the whole time. They would hold tight, so she couldn't get away. She could walk almost anywhere by herself. She knows all of the rules when walking outside. From looking both ways before you cross the street to knowing what all the street signs mean. She would try to catch one of her parents not following a rule and correct them on it all the time.


One day the girl had to tell her parents what she wanted. With the parents in the living room, she came in with a look of determination. The wide eyes and smile was not necessary.


“Mother, father, I have something to tell you” the girl said with as much power a nine year old can give in her voice to get their attraction, “I have no independence!” silence came after that. The parents looked at each other with smiles and looked right back at her.


“Okay,” father said. Another moment of silence came. Determination still on her face. She needed some time to let the word sink in. she was ready to fight for it, not get it for saying one thing.


"We’ve been watching you do things to show us that you are a big girl..."


"I am a big girl." she interrupted.


"We know," her father continued with a smile, "we were going to wait on telling you this, but it looks like your ready for it. We are going to let you do some things on your own. Your mother won't pick out your clothes, and I won't cut your food for you, and we will let your hand go sometimes when we are out."


"That sounds nice," she said trying not to seem happy.


"Also, if you want, I want you to get the newspaper for me everyday all by yourself. How does that sound?"


The girl was overly excited. Her face was quivering to stay with determination and not her usual happy look. She nodded her head and walked upstairs with a little bit of excitement.


On her way to the store, she always says "hello," to everyone she passed. Ever since she started to get the paper, people who live around the route she took got to know who she was a little. They would look at her great smile and smile right back at her. Some people start their days what a hello and smile from the girl.


As she was multitasking, from running, smiling, looking, and saying hello, Sometimes she has trouble knowing what's close around her, or even in front of her. So from time to time, she bumped into things, and today was one of those times.


She bumped into a man running at a slow pace towards her. Her right arm bumped into the man's waist which made her do a full 360 to the ground. Luckily she has quick reflexes, and she manages to turn to her side to avoid landing on her face.


"Oh my god, are you alright?" the man said in panic. She turned her head to him with a little bit of pain in her face. Her wide eyes were still there to look directly at the man's perfect blue eyes.


"Your eyes are so blue," she said and such a calming way, like she didn't bump into this man and fall to the ground. He gave her a light smile before saying, “thank you, I guess I'll take that as a yes."

TheSaintsAreComing
January 20th, 2013, 09:59 AM
This piece has potential, assuming the characters become more fleshed out. One of the more pertinent problems would be in grammar and spelling.


“Okay,” father said. Another moment of silence came. Determination still on her face. She needed some time to let the word sink in. she was ready to fight for it, not get it for saying one thing.

Here is a good example. The red text is a fragment, of which there are quite a few throughout. In my experience, fragments can be used very sparingly if it adds to the overall tone of the piece. I don't think that's what happened here. The blue text, in addition to not having the first letter capitalized, doesn't seem very well put together. What was she ready to fight for? Would she even truly be fighting with her parents? She seemed pretty submissive to them in the past.

The other problem is that department would be your tendency to switch from past-tense to present-tense as the piece goes on, as you can see in the text above. Yes, this can be utilized if she's still around and maintaining the same actions during the time of narration, but it gets confusing to look at. Try to keep it all in the same tense.

Getting away from usage, I think the character's need more developed. This can be put off if one assumes this is a piece from a larger work, but we don't know if that's the case. Why does she want to be more independent? Why not just let her parents make the decisions for her? Why do her parents deny her this independence and grant it so easily? You wouldn't have to drastically change much as most of this can be cleared up in a sentence or two. That's just my tip.

Hope to hear more of this girl's story. I'm interested to see where her interaction with the running man leads. :)