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Juganhuy
January 15th, 2013, 10:42 PM
Hello!

So, I want to enter the Createspace contest. Do I expect to win? No, but I hope to make it past the first round at least. Still, my chances are slim, but it is good motivation.

The first part is the "pitch" which consists of no more than 300 words. I came up with this idea a while back and thing it may fit into their categories.

Please let me know. Whats good and whats bad? What can be removed and should something be added? Right now it is exactly 297 words. This is just a rough writing about the idea.

The next step would be 3k-5k sample, then followed by a full manuscript.

Thanks!




Labyrinth of Revolution


People used to dream about the future, and how things will be created to make life easier. Two hundred years ago, people stopped dreaming. Now, all they dream about is their wealth.
The world is now lead by one entity, the Continental Order, founded during the last World War. After two hundred years of digging under the rule of the Continental Order, thousands of miles of tunnels are now weaved under the earth’s surface. It began as a way to give low income families jobs by supplying the rich people more building material, but it soon became a way to force labor and families into the whole they dug, making more room for those worthy on the surface.

There had been rebellions from the Labyrinth people. Many lives taken on both sides, until one day the Continental Order decreed all entrances to the “Labyrinth” be sealed up except two per continent and let the filth die out. The people who defy the Order are forced to wander the maze with nothing but a flashlight. If they reach the other exit, then they are free. No one has ever made it.

Clyde lived a good life on the surface, until one day an army of Labyrinth people immerged, overthrowing the Order in a matter of days, and staking claim as the new world order. As a punishment for the surface peoples greed, one child per family is forced into the Labyrinth, and their family offered a pardon if the child is able to escape from their underground prison. Armed with only a flashlight, Clyde must battle through the secrets of the labyrinth on a journey that unfolds to be more than just his survival, but that of the entire world. He has two weeks. Can he make it?

TheSaintsAreComing
January 20th, 2013, 10:11 AM
Sorry for the late review on this one. I've just been scrolling through and noticed that nobody commented! I'll keep it brief.

As someone who will be soon going into college for a marketing career, I can tell you a little bit about garnering interest in a summary. You don't want to give out too many specifics. In a few places this seems like more a history lesson than a pitch. You want to portray the atmosphere of both the world and the novel rather than outline the plot points. What kind of challenges will he face? Who/what will he (and in turn, the reader) encounter? Give them a taste and they'll want to read your work.

As far as the plot goes, though, I like it. Hunger Games with a twist. You've given yourself a truckload of opportunities with the setting. Best of luck in your contest!

Stephanie1980
January 25th, 2013, 10:36 PM
When and where did you get the inspiration to write this?
Are there contest on this Site? new here.... great stuff

Johnathanrs
January 26th, 2013, 09:19 AM
Your third paragraph is out of context. You talk about the world then go into the character. If the MC is Clyde, it should start off with him in my opinion and I think as a whole, it should be re-written.

Besides that, it seems interesting, only time will tell. Make sure to keep a interesting theme.

Jamie
January 26th, 2013, 11:07 AM
Labyrinth of Revolution


People used to dream about the future, and how things will be created to make life easier. Two hundred years ago, people stopped dreaming. Now, all they dream about is their wealth.
The world is now lead by one entity, the Continental Order, founded during the last World War. After two hundred years of digging under the rule of the Continental Order, thousands of miles of tunnels are now weaved under the earth’s surface. It began as a way to give low income families jobs by supplying the rich people more building material, but it soon became a way to force labor and families into the whole they dug, making more room for those worthy on the surface.

There had been rebellions from the Labyrinth people. Many lives taken on both sides, until one day the Continental Order decreed all entrances to the “Labyrinth” be sealed up except two per continent and let the filth die out. The people who defy the Order are forced to wander the maze with nothing but a flashlight. If they reach the other exit, then they are free. No one has ever made it.

Clyde lived a good life on the surface, until one day an army of Labyrinth people immerged, overthrowing the Order in a matter of days, and staking claim as the new world order. As a punishment for the surface peoples greed, one child per family is forced into the Labyrinth, and their family offered a pardon if the child is able to escape from their underground prison. Armed with only a flashlight, Clyde must battle through the secrets of the labyrinth on a journey that unfolds to be more than just his survival, but that of the entire world. He has two weeks. Can he make it?


It can be tightened a little, in my opinion.

Firstly, remove "under the rule of the Continental Order" from the bit about the tunnels. You've already mentioned it just the line before, so it's not needed here.

"After two hundred years of digging, thousands of miles of tunnels are weaved under the Earth's surface". Notice I removed the "now" from this line as well, as you've already used the word twice previously. Up to you if you keep it in there or not.

The explanation of how the tunnel started doesn't make much sense to me. I've read it a few times and I'm still not sure what it means.

Who are the Labyrinth people? Is that what the tunnels are called - the Labyrinth? That just kind of comes out of nowhere. If the tunnels are the Labyrinth then perhaps think about mentioning that in the last part about the digging of the tunnels.

"whole they dug" should be "hole they dug", "immerged" should be "emerged".

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I think, if I understand the idea, it's a good one, and one you should definitely continue with. But the introduction there could use a little work so that the idea is better explained. I'm sure you know that anyway, but I hope this helps in some way.