Something I'm Writing, (Language)

[muddy13001]

This is a script for a comedy show that i started writing its only 5 pages. This is my first time wiring a script so I would really love some feedback on it. thank you.



FADE IN.
EXT. PARK - AFTERNOON
Its a gray and cloudy day in Kansas City. It didn't matter how it looked outside for most people, they still came out and went to the local park. Seeing loving families playing with there kids, or watching there little ones play with others. The loving couples holding hands as they walk around, showing others their love for each other. People running the path around the park so they can keep in shape for what ever reason they have for doing so. The people that are alone, sitting on the park beaches reading a book on their kindles with a grande size cup of coffee from Starbucks. One of the loving couple are standing together in the middle of the grassy field area for the park. Sam, 21 light skinned woman, she not an ordinary looking woman, shes drop dead gorgeous, and Rick, 22, his just a ordinary looking black man.

SAM
His he still coming?

RICK
Yeah, just hold on.

SAM
I been holding on for the past 10 minuets.
Rick puts his hands on Sam’s hips to being her closer to him

RICK
Baby, baby, he going be here alright.

A smile was on her face so he could make her happy, the kiss that he give her sealed the deal on that, which made her smile with him. The sound of the beeps form Rick’s phone came out of his coat packet. He took the phone out and see that it was a text from Tony.

RICK (CONT’D)
See, Tony just text me his here, so clam down alright.

SAM
I am clam, I just want you to hurry up and show him this thing so we can go cuz I'm hungry. uooo... Can we get some red lobster?

RICK
What, hell no, I’ll get your ass some Micky D’s, your love it.

SAM
(annoyed)
Oh my god, you are so cheap.

RICK
Whatever, and for the third time today, this is not a thing.

Rick raised up what Sam keeps calling a thing.

RICK (CONT’D)
This right here, is a boomerang, can you remember that?

Sam looked at Rick with a smile, waiting for the right time to respond.

SAM
(smile)
I would if I cared.

Rick looked at Sam with an annoyed smile, waiting for the right time to respond

RICK
(annoyed smile)
OK

SAM
(annoyed)
You know I hate it when you do that.

They looked at each other with out saying anything, kids run by them with a ball having fun, going though the tense the loving couple is making, nothing new for the loving couple.

TONY (O.C.)
Hey!

Tony is 21 and just looks ordinary like Rick. Tony is walking up to Sam and Rick looking a little rough for afar. When he got to them the roughness looked more aware.

RICK
Hey man, you look like shit

TONY
I just woke up so... yeah.

RICK
You just woke up, what where you doing last night?

TONY
I was just settin’ in the house watching TV, playing video games.

RICK
How late?

TONY
Around two.

RICK
Around two. You tellin’ me you stay up till 2 and woke up at...

Rick looks at his phone for the time.

RICK (CONT’D)
2:23 PM

Tony looked at him with an annoyed smile, waiting for the right time to respond.

TONY
(annoyed smile)
Yeah

Sam looked at Rick with an accomplished smile on her face, hoping that Rick feels what she feels when he dose that to here.

SAM
Now you know how it feels

RICK
I would... If I cared.

Sam and Rick looked at each other with out saying anything again. The some kids come running by with the ball again. Tony stood there watching them build the tense again, something that his accustomed too, but it always makes him feel awkward.

TONY
So... why I’m here for what?

RICK
Oh yeah, look what I found in my apartment.

Rick raised up the boomerang for Tony to see. The boomerang was grey with nothing on it.

TONY
A boomerang.

RICK
(to Tony)
Yeah.
(to Sam)
See, he knows what it is.

Sam give him a look meaning that she did give a fuck. Rolled her eyes and looked the other way to watch some kids playing.

RICK (CONT’D)
I found it when I was move in a few days ago in one of the clothes.

TONY
Yeah.

RICK
So I was like, I need to learn how to use this, So I went on youtube...

TONY
(interrupted)
Man, just stop right there. I don't wanna be part of your two minute lessons on youtube again.

RICK
Your not goin’ be a part of it

TONY
Like I wanted to be a part of it the last time

RICK
Man, why you bein’ up old shit

TONY
Cuz that's exactly what you said the last time.
(impression of Rick)
Your not goin’ be a part of it man, don’t worry about it.

RICK
You wasn’t.

TONY
But I was there, and to me, that's being a part of it.
Sam looks back at the guys to ask Tony a question.

SAM
What happened the last time?

TONY
You didn’t tell her what happened the last time?

RICK
No, I didn’t tell her what happened the last time, and can we stop sayin’ the last time, its gettin’ annoying.

SAM
So what happened?

TONY
Will, it was at his grandma’s house on thanksgiving last year. When I got there Rick was sitting on the floor with a space heater and a laptop in front of him. He was watching some video on how to fix a space heater and the first thing that I told him was...

RICK
(interrupted and annoyed)
I don’t wanna be a part of this, and then I said you won’t be, and to make a long story short, the space heater caught on fire or whatever.

SAM
It caught on fire!

TONY
Yep.

SAM
How the hell did you do that, was it plugged in?

TONY
Nope.

SAM
What!

RICK
Shut up, everybody just shut the hell up. This is different alright. I been practicin’.

[muddy13001]

Can someone get me some feedback on this, good or bad. :)

[CitizenUnknown]

The dialogue here seems a little strange. Forced in a way. Comedy is, without a doubt, the single most style to write in, especially considering not everyone finds the same thing funny. For instance, I didn't find any of the things in the script comical. Rick just came off as an utter douchebag, Sam seems like she is a door mat (ie, let's Rick walk all over her) and I have no idea what to make of Tony yet. I mean, if this is what you wanted these characters to be, then you got that across pretty well.
The opening description is great. I can definitely see the location in my head. You say a few things that is not necessary, like "she not an ordinary looking woman," you could probably just cut that and leave it at "she's drop dead gorgeous."

I hope that helped at all. I don't see this as a comedy yet, but this is only a limited piece of the script, so I don't know where it goes from here.

[muddy13001]

The dialogue here seems a little strange. Forced in a way. Comedy is, without a doubt, the single most style to write in, especially considering not everyone finds the same thing funny. For instance, I didn't find any of the things in the script comical. Rick just came off as an utter douchebag, Sam seems like she is a door mat (ie, let's Rick walk all over her) and I have no idea what to make of Tony yet. I mean, if this is what you wanted these characters to be, then you got that across pretty well.
The opening description is great. I can definitely see the location in my head. You say a few things that is not necessary, like "she not an ordinary looking woman," you could probably just cut that and leave it at "she's drop dead gorgeous."

I hope that helped at all. I don't see this as a comedy yet, but this is only a limited piece of the script, so I don't know where it goes from here.

Thank you, this did help me out a lot. I just have one questions, did all the dialogue sound forced, or just some of it?

[CitizenUnknown]

Just some of it. There was quite a bit of it that flowed pretty well. It feels the most forced in the beginning, then grows more natural with some forced lines scattered throughout.

[muddy13001]

Just some of it. There was quite a bit of it that flowed pretty well. It feels the most forced in the beginning, then grows more natural with some forced lines scattered throughout.

would it be asking to much if you could show me where its forced?

[CitizenUnknown]

Not at all lol. Sorry, I occasionally have a tendency to be vague.


SAM
His he still coming?

RICK
Yeah, just hold on.

SAM
I been holding on for the past 10 minuets.
Rick puts his hands on Sam’s hips to being her closer to him

RICK
Baby, baby, he going be here alright.

This opening back and forth just seems off to me, especially the final line. (This is, of course, ignoring the part that is supposed to be action and not dialogue lol)


RICK
I would... If I cared.

I just find this line very forced. It just doesn't feel like something someone would say.



TONY
You didn’t tell her what happened the last time?

RICK
No, I didn’t tell her what happened the last time, and can we stop sayin’ the last time, its gettin’ annoying.

This line was fine until the last three words. Repeating "the last time" from the person before just seems unnecessary, forced, and not real. As well, I feel the same about the second half that Rick says.

I like all the dialogue that happens after that. The story feels very organic, very real.

[chrisl]

Just a couple minor details/notes:

1- I read from another commentor (more seasoned, somewhere, don't ask me who) that there's no reason to center all this, left margins is fine.
2- Go through this with spellcheck, there are a couple small errors, too minor for me to pinpoint, but enough to derail this professionally.

Otherwise, I read it all and am interested in what happens next. I don't have an extremely critical eye, so 'wanting/willing to read more' is my personal stamp of approval.