View Full Version : (C.15) I can’t Hate a Person I Admire

January 10th, 2013, 02:13 PM
“You know, Sam, things would be easier for me, if I could say I don’t like her. My guru’s secretary is such an amazing person, she is so strong. I don’t mean that I am jealous of her. I don’t wish I was her, because I can acknowledge the fact that she is doing a kind of service I would never be able to do.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“She follows my guru everywhere he goes, serves him so perfectly. She controls the devotees as well, and the little experience I had with that showed me this is not an easy task. She has never had a break down, and I had so many for stupid reasons. So, I don’t blame her for being tough on me when I was in Caracas trying to give those courses. She was just making sure I was doing a service to Gurudeva, not to my own ego. Maybe I was all puffed up, and she was making her point, making sure I was sincere.”

“How can you defend her after what she did to you?”

“It was not the first time. In fact, it wasn’t the last time either, because in the following year when we went on pilgrimage in India, in 2003, I even shaved my head because she doubted my sincerity again. I will keep doing stupid things as long as she keeps doubting my sincerity.”
“Hrday never had problems with her, though. Hrday never had troubles with either of them, with my guru or his secretary. I am the one who is impulsive and stubborn. The problem is me, not them.”

“How did your brother use to deal with her?”

“Actually he used to address her as ‘turtle’. The many times we went on pilgrimage around Govardhana Hill, my guru asked Hrday to stay in the back of the line, with the ones that weren’t able to walk so fast as him, so they wouldn’t be lost, and his secretary was always one of them. She walks really slow, you know. So my brother used to call her ‘turtle’. Her many jokes never got to his ego. Actually this person is very sweet, the way she gets to your ego is usually kind of funny. I never found it funny, though, I didn’t find it funny at all. I let her hurt my ego. It is my fault, not hers. I could be like Hrday, and laugh of her way of saying things to me, but instead I got depressed, and ran away. She had warned me, the very day I arrived in Caracas, she said she would create many obstacles to me.”

“She got the nerves to say that to you?”

“Have you ever heard of Lord Ganesha?”

“Ganesha? I don’t know. Perhaps. There are so many gods in Hindu culture. Is he one of them?”

“Lord Ganesha is the deity known for removing all obstacles from one’s path. Just after I arrived in Caracas, my guru’s secretary was giving a lecture at the temple in which she said that Lord Ganesha appeared to remove the obstacles in one’s path, but she, on the other hand, had appeared to put as many obstacles as she could. I knew she was talking to me. I knew she would challenge my sincerity during the courses I would be giving. At that time I was pretty confident, because I had spent some time with my guru. He had instructed me personally about the courses, and besides that, I had given those courses so many times in my life, I knew what I was going to say.”
“However, I wasn’t prepared to be interrupted all the time, and I had forgotten that I would be speaking in a language other than my own. Although Spanish and Portuguese are very similar languages, and even though I speak Spanish well, many problems of communication I had at that time were caused because of this. I wasn’t talking in my birth tongue, and it makes a big difference. It stressed me out. This is why for some time I couldn’t even hear the sound of the Spanish. I used to have a trauma with it. Now it is gone, I suppose. Little by little I am letting this go. I have good friends in Caracas. I love the devotees, and I suppose some of them do love me. But at that time, it seemed that I was not being accepted, and everybody was throwing stones at me.”

“You said your brother took you to the mountains. Your spent the flight from Caracas to Amsterdam throwing up. Did you feel any better when you were in the mountains? Did you talk to your guru?”

“I was devastated. I couldn’t eat, I could only cry. Hrday was such a good cook. But I kept throwing up, I wouldn’t eat anything he cooked for me. The place was beautiful. One of his clients lent him a beautiful house in the mountains, but I wasn’t interested in the scenery. Sometimes my brother forced me to leave the bedroom, he wanted me to stay at least in the living room, but as I was half dead, he would call that room ‘dying room’, not ‘living room’, poor guy. He did everything to relive me. He called my guru many times, and my guru also called him. My guru wanted to talk to me, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I felt too embarrassed, I felt I had failed in my task, I was too miserable. I was considering quitting teaching Vedic sciences in Brazil as well. I thought if I couldn’t teach them to the devotees, I shouldn’t teach them to anyone else. I was, in my mind, the worst teacher in the world, and I was really just a big, bruised ego.”

“Vilminha, do you still feel like that?”

“No, Sam, of course not. Actually after my brother passed away, I was working pretty intensively to my guru, we had a website, and I was able to give Yoga classes in Spanish, live online. I also gave lectures on meditation in Italian, for the devotees to see in Italy. It is the miracle of the Internet, isn’t it? Being here in Brazil and being able to reach devotees in Caracas, and in many countries in Latin America, and devotees in Italy, without having to get on a plane. And if I have to run away the only thing I have to do is to turn off my computer, instead of having to take a flight.”

“Vilminha, don’t run away from me.”

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know, I might say something inadvertently that could hurt you.”

“Oh, that’s right, I am so silly. But if such a horrible thing happens, and if I act impulsively, you must know that I will come back. I always regret being stupid. It won’t be your fault, it would be mine. I am oversensitive.”

“Let’s hope nothing of this kind will happen, and we will never be apart. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I want to understand you so deeply, that I will know how not to touch the strings that would play sad songs. I want you to enjoy life. As you said, laughter is the best medicine.”

“Actually, Sam, laughter is the second-best one. The true best medicine is love, and you are giving me plenty of it.”

“That’s good to know. So I am in the right path.”

“You are. We are. Let’s remain in this path.”