View Full Version : (C.14) Life was not Always Fun

January 10th, 2013, 02:11 PM
“I am giving you the wrong impression that I am a funny person, that I enjoy life, and that I am always having fun. There have been times in my life I was easily depressed, and didn’t even want to exist.”

“Vilminha, what are you saying? You are so full of life. How is it possible that you didn’t want to exist?”

“There were times I didn’t feel I could fit in my guru’s mission. I tried so hard to be one of them, but even though they are kind-hearted, I felt I was an outsider, I didn’t belong to that place. Things became even harder when I couldn’t hide anymore who I was.”

“I don’t understand, Vilminha. You were hiding yourself, and it was easy to do that!? Being yourself was difficult, shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

“It should, shouldn’t it? But it was easier when I kept myself quiet, as if I was nothing. I was not a star, I wasn’t shining, I was not bothering anyone with my presence. But soon enough, my guru asked me to give a course on the Vedic sciences and then everybody came to know who I was. I must admit, I was excited, I love teaching, and that audience seemed to be better than my own students. The ones I had in Brazil seemed to be unprepared to listen to what I had to say. But the devotees, they already knew the basics, they knew the philosophy behind the Vedic sciences, and I thought it would be easier for me to talk about higher topics. But I was wrong.”

“What happened, then? What went wrong?”

“It was in 2002, my guru asked me to go to Caracas, he said it wouldn’t take me more than 2 weeks to give three courses - Astrology, Yoga and Ayurveda. He had chosen who from that big group of devotees would attend each course. I thought 2 weeks wouldn’t be enough, usually those courses take 3 years each, I had given them here in Brazil many times, but I was counting on their knowledge, and I was supposed to give speed courses. But it all went wrong.”

“What went wrong, Vilminha?”

“Before going to Caracas I had to prepare the support material for the courses. I had already written the material in Portuguese, but I had to translate it all into Spanish, so the devotees could read it. It took me some time, it is quite an extensive material. As always, I put aside all my work in the institute, but I was used to leaving my institute unattended. Every time I traveled I did that, and every time I came back I was born from the ashes, like the phoenix. I was ready to die for something, but I wasn’t ready to die for nothing, it was so frustrating. All went wrong.”

“Vilminha, what went wrong? Why things didn’t work out? Tell me, Vilminha. I don’t like to see you so disappointed.”

“This is why I say to you, I used to be a depressed person, I was never able to face my failure, and that was a big one. All went so very wrong. For starters, the schedule I had arranged with my guru wasn’t approved by his secretary, who at that time was the person in charge of the temple. She said devotees needed to work, and she wouldn’t allow them to stop working just to attend the courses. So the classes would be given only early in the morning and in the evening. It would be impossible for me to teach that material, even as speed courses, in 2 weeks with classes only at sunrise and in the evening. I’d have to remain in Caracas for months. It would mean my institute would be closed for a long time. I knew it would be hard to be born from ashes again when I came back. I wouldn’t mind, if it was to die for something, but it wasn’t. I was dying for nothing. All went wrong.”

“You weren’t able to give the courses, is that what happened?”

“I tried. I started it. It was really hard. I thought the audience would be friendly, but they were ready to attack me, question me, challenge me, especially my guru’s secretary, even if the other devotees liked me, she would undermine me in front of them. It was impossible to follow a line of thought without being interrupted. I was being judged all the time. I couldn’t teach even basic anatomy. I needed to teach that to teach Yoga, but it was really hard. It was hard to train even the Yoga positions, I couldn’t touch their bodies without my guru’s secretary saying I would hurt them. That had never happened to me in my whole life. I have never hurt any student. I have a really good technique. I know what I am doing. I can’t stand someone questioning me, things don’t work in that way for me. It doesn’t do any good for the students either. How would they trust me? I am supposed to be trusted, otherwise they wouldn’t follow my commands, especially when we are talking about Yoga. People already think they can’t perform the exercises, I was trying to make them believe, and that woman kept undoing my work. I couldn’t anymore, at some point I had to leave. I am like that, you know, it doesn’t mean I give up, it just means I get the message, if I am not welcome, I just go away.”

“You left Caracas? Did you return to Brazil?”

“No, I couldn’t. Brazil would mean to restart my institute, and I had lost my self confidence. I did leave Caracas, but I went to Italy instead, to ask shelter from my brother. Every time I got depressed in my life the only place or person I would go to was Hrday. I took the next flight and went to Milan. Actually, the next flight was to Amsterdam. Then I would take another flight from Amsterdam to Milan. But things got difficult for me. They didn’t allow me to enter in the other aircraft.”

“Why? I can’t understand.”

“The first flight, Caracas to Amsterdam, I was vomiting, throwing up all the way. They had to remove me from the airplane in a wheelchair. They sent me to the ER in the airport, and called my brother in Milan. They said to him that I was having a panic attack, and they wouldn’t allow me to get on my connection flight, because I was sick. They asked him to fly to Amsterdam to pick me up.”

“Why were you sick? What did your brother say?”

“I was sick because I had failed. I was throwing up everything I had swallowed from that woman. It was a fifth chakra thing. As for my brother, he said to them I wasn’t having a panic attack. He said I was the bravest woman he knew. He said he wouldn’t pick me up. He asked them to give me some valium and put me on the plane. Soon enough they relented and did it, and they wheeled me onto the airplane before the other passengers. When I reached Milan I was still dizzy, but I could see my brother waiting for me in the baggage claim area. I don’t know how they allowed him to enter there. I suppose he said his sister was ill.”

“What did you do when you reached Milan?”

“He took me to the mountains, near the border with Switzerland. But I don’t want to continue telling this story right now. If you don’t mind, Sam, I’d like to take some rest. I am little stressed out. This story still gets to me. I am still not at peace with it.”

“Sure, dear. Here. Lie on my chest. I wish I could make you sleep.”

“You can, Sam, you can. Please, yes, give me your chest.”

“I am so sorry you are still not at peace with it.”

“I will be. Hopefully one day I will.”