View Full Version : Next 500 words of my YA fantasy/adventure novel

January 6th, 2013, 08:11 PM
So I wanted to post the first chapter for review, but I get bored while editing so I'm doing it a page at a time instead! Which seems to be about 500 words on average, so I'm happy with that.
Any advice is greatly appreciated!
I've kept on the last paragraph of the first bit I posted. If you want to look at the beginning it's here: http://www.writingforums.com/childrens-young-adult-stories/135253-ya-fantasy-adventure-novel-aimed-12-14-year-olds.html
Oh, and I've changed Becky Sharp's surname to Lloyd now.

She hadn't really looked at this new girl as she had come in. She'd been too preoccupied with not slipping up in the scramble to her seat or doing anything else that might draw Becky's attention. Now that they were so close together, though, she saw that Apple had an unusual curvature of the spine, her frumpy, maroon school jumper straining to accommodate an oddly shaped and overlarge back.

Madison didn't say anything, but she could hear Becky and her cronies giggling behind them. Their sniggering jibes weren't exactly unfamiliar to Madison, and usually she would have prayed for someone to come in and take their focus away from her. Seeing Apple staring down at the desk as everyone goggled at her, though, Madison wished they would pick on her as usual instead.
Being the new pupil at any school was undoubtedly hard enough, but she didn't like to think how hard it would be being the new face at Fortuna.

Madison liked English class. Mr. Smith wasn't one of those breathe-down-your-neck, shout-at-you-for-breathing teachers, nor was his teaching so relaxed that he might as well just leave the room. The kids knew not to get in his bad books, which meant that, apart from the occasional pointed laugh, Madison didn't have to put up with too much baiting from Becky and her friends. English classes were pretty peaceful, which was why Mr. Smith was one of Madison's favourite teachers.

As Apple coughed next to her, though, she couldn't help wishing he'd seated her somewhere else. There was definitely something odd about this girl. She kept throwing Madison terrified looks as if she wanted to say something but couldn't find the words, and every time Madison caught her eye, Apple gave a tiny squeak and hid her face in the crook of her arms, pretending to scribble notes on Shakespeare.

'So who did the character study this week, then?' Mr. Smith called out, making Madison jump and smudge her work. 'Uh... Bryan, it was you, right? OK, come on up.'

As Bryan, with his bleary eyesight and deep voice like a troll's (Madison imagined a troll would talk like Bryan, anyway, all grunts and confused pauses), tried to struggle through his presentation on Queen Gertrude, Apple seemed to pluck up the courage to talk to her neighbour.

'Can I borrow a pen?' she whispered.

Madison frowned, passing her the pen all the same. Had she been sitting there all that time, too shy to ask the question?

'I'm Apple,' said Apple.

'I know,' whispered Madison.

'I know,' agreed Apple, and Madison had to keep herself from rolling her eyes. 'I was just wondering,' ventured Apple, colour beginning to rise to her cheeks, 'if you'd maybe like to show me around after English? Maybe we could sit together in our next class, too - although I suppose you've probably got other friends you'll want to sit with.'

Madison averted her gaze. Pretending to concentrate on her notes, she muttered, 'Yeah, you can sit with me.'

Ilasir Maroa
January 11th, 2013, 05:30 PM
Step one would be to use a bit more formatting here. Throw in the proper indents and such. Otherwise, it's hard to read.

January 11th, 2013, 09:39 PM
Step one would be to use a bit more formatting here. Throw in the proper indents and such. Otherwise, it's hard to read.

Done! xx

June 9th, 2013, 06:30 PM
I really like this. It has a very teenage mood to it with the 'cronies' and the description of the teacher Mr Smith. It's also very easy to read with an easy flow. Well done. :)