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View Full Version : The Incorruptible: Conclusion to Chapter 3 of the Emerald Archon



monseratthefool
January 4th, 2013, 04:46 AM
M

Circadian
January 4th, 2013, 06:44 PM
This has definitely roused my curiosity. Perhaps I should have looked for the other chapers first...

Anyway, it's very well written, with hardly any mistakes that I could find. You did, however, spell Mokai as Moksai a few times.


They can gaze into that puddle for hours, and leave their bodies more easily to inhabit the bardo of dreams, where they fly and frolic as a fearless creature of the sea

It should be "...where they fly and frolic as fearless creatures of the sea." Plural. Also, do sea creatures frolic? Just a bit of wording confusion there.


She knew that Shadow Swordsmen could be stubborn, but she could see Mokai making a sincere effort to learn to flow, as she does

Am I missing something? What exactly do you mean by "learn to flow?" Also, I suggest changing the end of the sentence to "..as she did." It just makes more sense to me that way.

Overall, great writing and good luck with your story.

~Circe

monseratthefool
January 4th, 2013, 07:00 PM
You know, Circe, I think a better question might be: do creatures of the sea fly???? (i was a little taken aback when I read that) Hahaha...point very well taken. Thanks so much for pointing that out to me.

Also, the first half of the chapter deals with Cerulean Priestesses and their belief in letting the world flow around them like water. That would be what Syl was referencing. I'm back and forth about does/did...I'll give it some thought.

Anyhow, many, many thanks for taking the time to read and review. I appreciate the time and the thoughtful responses. Definitely going to change that sea creatures piece a little.

If you are truly curious, the first half of this Chapter is posted in the forum, and the next chapter will be posted soon. I'll keep a look out for anything you've posted, to return the favor.

Much respect!

M

Ariel
January 4th, 2013, 08:01 PM
Ok, your stalker is officially here.

I just wanted to say that, as usual, beautifully done. However, I did notice that you need to go over everyone's names again. There was an instance where Sylvani's name had the "v" dropped and, as Circe said, sometimes Mokai's name is spelled as Moksai. I keep thinking there's another character I haven't met.

I think overall there is a very solid world built here. I feel like this takes place in India fairly close to the Himalayas and not too far from the ocean--the setting has that exotic kind of feel and it is brought home by the names, the medical practice, and the voice.

monseratthefool
January 4th, 2013, 09:24 PM
Ok ok amsawtell, yeesh! You've finally convinced me to go do a "Find & Replace." As you've surmised, I've gone back and forth on the name of the character. Mokai, Moksai. Still can't decide :)

I'm happy you stuck around in this world, thank you again! The next two chapters have action and romance sequences that I'm excited about (I know you read the romance already, but I did re-write it after your comment).

Much appreciation for the review, as always.

Ariel
January 4th, 2013, 10:39 PM
I do plan on hunting those down. What you're posting is better than the steampunk published novel I've been trying to slog my way through for the last several weeks.

monseratthefool
January 4th, 2013, 11:10 PM
What's the novel, if you don't mind me asking?

And that makes my little heart sing. Thanks for sharing :) Also, just posted Chapter 4.1.

Ariel
January 5th, 2013, 03:52 AM
The Court of Air. I don't remember the author. It has some good points and it can be fun in places which keeps me reading but there is a lot of information that makes me feel like I missed something. For the first couple of chapters I thought I was reading a sequel but I checked. It's the first novel.

2pebbles
January 6th, 2013, 02:01 AM
Nice exerpt. It reads well and has a nice flow to it. Sorry, that's about as critical as i can be for this piece. But I guess that means you're doing it right.