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Silen
January 4th, 2013, 12:03 AM
To slay a giant.
Marcus gazed out at the oncoming creature, fear gripped at his heart like icy veins. He had moments to decide a counter. The moments passed. The beast smashed the gate and with a sound like a mountain splintering the gatehouse of Xeron cracked.

“Archers! Aim for the head!” Screamed Marcus.

The elven archers and the imperials loosed volley after volley, the beast was impervious. Their arrows bouncing off an invisible shield inches from the creatures putrid flesh.
The beast stepped back, and swung its duel hammers again into the gate. The cracks splintered in the floor of the gatehouse, like tiny bolts of lightning in the grey sky of stone.

Marcus had to think fast. Or the walls would be lost without a single enemy slain.
“Atharia! How good a shot are you?” he shouted to the elf.

“Good enough” she said with a grin, as if she had the same thought.

She aimed up towards the overcast sky and loosed a single arrow.

The arrow flew above the head of the great beast. It continued its assault oblivious to the minuscule projectile soaring high above it.time slowed down as it approached its target, it impacted and sunk deep into the ground, in between the enemy general’s feet. She looked down. It was the distraction they needed. A momentary lapse of concentration would be the beasts downfall. The life bringing spell faltered momentarily.

“Volley!” cried Marcus once more.

The arrows of the elves and imperials penetrated the beast. Two thousand arrows pierced the beasts head within an instant.
It looked around aimlessly as it realised the link was broken. Across the battlefield Typhos snarled.
The beast fell onto the gates. splintering the thick oaken doors.

The wall was breached.

As one the enemy rushed forward. A tide of bone and rotten flesh. Dotted amongst the wave three black spheres hung above the heads of the generals.
Marcus watched in wonder, rapidly calculating the most efficient counter. He saw the grin of Typhos amongst the horde. Once more she flashed her perfect white teeth at him.

“Prepare your selves!” he shouted to his defenders.

They roared in response and opened fire.

Segrotlo
January 4th, 2013, 01:22 AM
That was a fun read.

Two things stuck out though:

As one the enemy rushed forward.
1] Perhaps a comma would do it but maybe it needs a more careful description.

2] I assume that the distraction of the general broke concentration of a magical spell -- causing the shield to falter. Make that clearer.

Ilasir Maroa
January 4th, 2013, 05:10 AM
To slay a giant.
Marcus gazed out out from what? at the oncoming creature,use a period here. Use of a comma is incorrect without a conjunction or transition word fear gripped at his heart like icy veinsLike icy veins of what? I'm not really getting this metaphor. He had moments to decide a counter. The moments passed I'm not sure what you're trying to do here. Show his indecision? But then later he seems to have a pretty good idea of what he wants to do. The beast smashed Do you mean "smashed into"? Otherwise, our monster is smashing the gate twice. the gate and with a sound like a mountain splinteringcomma the gatehouse of Xeron cracked.

“Archers! Aim for the head!” screamed Marcus.

The elven archers and the imperials"The elven and imperial archers " loosed volley after volley You need a period or a semicolon here. the beast was imperviousEither use a comma here, or put "bouncing" into past tense. Their arrows bouncing off an invisible shield inches from the creatureapostraphes putrid flesh.
The beast stepped back, and swung its duel I think you meant "dual" hammers again into the gate. The cracks splinteredCracks are an absence of material, splinters are a presence. Cracks could splinter, I suppose, but I don't think that's what you meant. in the floor of the gatehouse, like tiny bolts of lightning in the grey sky of stone.Nice metaphor. Maybe add some comparison of the sound being like thunder?

Marcus had to think fast.use a comma and a lowercase "or" Or the walls would be lost without a single enemy slain. There only appears to be the one enemy, so this doesn't seem that impressive.
“Atharia! How good a shot are you?” he shouted to the elf.To which elf? You've said there are several.

“Good enoughcomma” she said with a grin, as if she had the same thought. This would seem a lot cleverer if you'd told the reader about the shield spell the general was casting.

She aimed up towards the overcast sky and loosed a single arrow.

The arrow flew above the head of the great beast. It The way you've arranged this paragraph "it would seem to refer to the arrow, not the beast, as the arrow is the nearest sentence subject before "it" Maybe say "...above the head of the great beast, which..." continued its assault oblivious to the minuscule projectile soaring high above it.time slowed down as itAgain "it" seemes to refer to the wrong object. approached its target, itdrop the "it" and add "and" impacted andmaybe use an "-ing" verb to avoid the extra "and" sunk deep into the ground, in between the enemy general’s feet. She looked down. It was the distraction they needed. A momentary lapse of concentration would be the beastapostraphes downfall. The life bringing spell faltered momentarily.

“Volley!” cried Marcus once more.This is the first time he's said the word "volley".

The arrows of the elves and imperials penetrated the beast. Two thousand arrows pierced the beastapostraphes head within"in" an instant.
It looked around aimlessly as it realised the link was broken. It ought to be dead already... Also, that's a huge number of archers to be standing on a wall... Across the battlefield TyphosWho is "Typhos"? The general mentioned earlier? snarled.
The beast fell onto the gates.comma splintering the thick oaken doors.

The wall was breached. Well, they didn't think that through, did they?

As one the enemy rushed forward. A tide of bone and rotten flesh. Dotted amongst the wavecomma three black spheres hung above the heads of the generals.
Marcus watched in wonder, rapidly calculating the most efficient counter.You keep using this word, and I don't think it really fits. "response" maybe would be better. He saw the grin of Typhos amongst the horde. Once more she flashed her perfect white teeth at him. He must have damn good eyesight...

“Prepare yourno space hereselves!” he shouted to his defenders"to his men" might be better.

They roared in response and opened fire.Wait, where did they get guns?



It's really hard to do much beyond grammar and punctuation with such a short excerpt. But those definitely need a lot of work, and you should be more careful what words you use. I feel like there wasn't enough tension in the scene. Its clearly from Marcus's perspective, but you don't give a lot of sensory details from his perspective. What's he thinking while all this happens?

Silen
January 4th, 2013, 11:26 AM
Hey thank you for your replies. Recently i posted a new chapter in my novel called the Siege beast. This presented me with a conundrum , how do you slay such a beast.
i typed this up in 5 minutes as a quick sort of experiment. I appreciate the grammatical errors and punctuation failure. How ever the purpose of me posting this was to gather ideas on the way in which such a creature has been dealt with.
Do you think it is to simplistic?
Do you think it is to easy?
Would you like to see more nitty gritty hand to hand combat?
That sort of thing :D

Would like to also add the entire novel is in first draft format currently. Awaiting some feedback before i begin working on punctuation and grammar. I was told that the idea of a first draft is to get the story down, even if it is a messy read. Because once the ideas are down you can build up from that.


Thanks for your replies any way :D x

Jamie
January 4th, 2013, 12:08 PM
Hi Silen,

Great imagination here, but to answer your question regarding the way the beast is felled - I'm not sure it makes enough sense to your reader. It didn't to me.

She fires an arrow over it's head, the beast carries on it's attack, and then the arrow lands between it's feet? How does that happen? Surely the arrow would land somewhere behind it?

It's also not clear why a single arrow between it's feet, or even the distraction, would suddenly cause an impenetrable shield to disappear, leading to it's downfall.

Remember that no matter how clear all of this is in YOUR mind's eye, it won't be to your reader until you make it so.

Ilasir Maroa
January 4th, 2013, 02:02 PM
Hey thank you for your replies. Recently i posted a new chapter in my novel called the Siege beast. This presented me with a conundrum , how do you slay such a beast.
i typed this up in 5 minutes as a quick sort of experiment. I appreciate the grammatical errors and punctuation failure. How ever the purpose of me posting this was to gather ideas on the way in which such a creature has been dealt with.
Do you think it is to simplistic?
Do you think it is to easy?
Would you like to see more nitty gritty hand to hand combat?
That sort of thing :D

Would like to also add the entire novel is in first draft format currently. Awaiting some feedback before i begin working on punctuation and grammar. I was told that the idea of a first draft is to get the story down, even if it is a messy read. Because once the ideas are down you can build up from that.


Thanks for your replies any way :D x

That is the idea of a first draft, which is why you generally don't post a raw draft for critique. I would suggest that you post your questions in the original post, since that will get you feedback closer to what you're looking for.

I feel that this method is a little simplistic. Perhaps there are stronger weapons you could bring to bear on the siege beast? I'm not sure what hand-to-hand combat you could add to the actual slaying.


Hi Silen,

Great imagination here, but to answer your question regarding the way the beast is felled - I'm not sure it makes enough sense to your reader. It didn't to me.

She fires an arrow over it's head, the beast carries on it's attack, and then the arrow lands between it's feet? How does that happen? Surely the arrow would land somewhere behind it?

It's also not clear why a single arrow between it's feet, or even the distraction, would suddenly cause an impenetrable shield to disappear, leading to it's downfall.

Remember that no matter how clear all of this is in YOUR mind's eye, it won't be to your reader until you make it so.

The arrow was fired at the mage protecting the creature, not at the creature itself. The distraction was intended to break their concentration and leave the beast open to attack. I didn't have any trouble getting that, but that doesn't mean it's completely clear.

rotsuchi1
January 17th, 2013, 08:40 PM
This is very good. i liked it :thumbr: