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Silen
December 31st, 2012, 11:39 PM
So guys its been a while since i posted anything on here , been rather busy as of late.
I have posted before regarding my WIP and since receiving feedback i have decided on a small alteration to the evil methods involved in breaking a gate.
Behold the first draft of the siege beast.

The siege beast.
The ranks of the skeletal army formed into rough squares of around a thousand eerie warriors. Through the lines between ranks armored horses clad in black metal, carried more fearsome soldiers garbed in spiked plate Armour with the fallen heads of their losses impaled upon them.

Through the throng of the formations appearing before the mighty walls of Xeron, an enormous rack was being dragged towards the forefront. The beams of the rack loomed up and their tops pierced the clouds forming above the fields before the walls, like twisted spires pointing towards the stars.
Upon the wrack hung a hideous six legged creature, crafted off bone and metal alike. Atop its twisted mess of a skull two enormous horns jutting out and curled around like the antlers of a stag. One made from sickly twisted bone, and the other dull and rusty iron. Three eyes erupted from within its giant skull on shafts of bone and black metal. One blue, one green and the final brown.
The creature hung limp upon the wrack as the massive beasts dragged it inch by inch to the front ranks of soldiers.

Perched atop of the foreboding wrack was the murderess Typhos. Her hair flailing in the wind shining in contrast against the forming rain clouds. The armies faced each other, the only sound that of the wrack creeping ever forward and the banners of the free blowing in the building wind.
Finally the wrack stopped. The creature swinging lifeless between the thick wooden beams. Typhos dismounted the top beam, falling to the ground from a height fatal to anything of this world. She landed gracefully and yelled loud enough for the defenders of Xeron to hear.

“Behold! The siege beast, my master’s greatest creation.”

Her skeletal army banged weapon to shield in unison.

She gazed from the gates of Xeron around and up towards the lifeless siege beast. Dark energy began to surround her as she began to weave the awakening spell. The torrent of energy continued to grow until it surrounded her evil form. Then the energy jolted upright into the sky causing bolts of black lightning to boom around the clouds. The energy struck the beams and the beast slowly roared into life.

Its entire body quivering from the immense energy coursing through its veins caused the bonds to snap and the beast fell with a thud that shook the battlements of Xeron.
From the dust cloud, the form rose higher than the wrack it had been hung on. Its front two legs mutated into eerie six fingered hands , that reached to its back and drew two enormous barbed maces each mace head as big as a small house.
The beast dropped to its other four legs waving the mighty maces around its head in fury and charged. Each mighty footstep shaking the battlefield.

SarahStrange
January 1st, 2013, 12:18 AM
Cool. Very Cool. Reminds me of The Lord of the Rings where the orc armies break through massive doors with that giant metal hog thing lol. Okay, so your description is very good, especially nearing the end, when the climax seems to occur. As I already said, the story itself is cool. Very Interesting.

The biggest problem I had was some of your sentence structure. In the first paragraph, I found myself rereading sentences to make sense of them:

"The ranks of the skeletal army formed into rough squares of around a thousand eerie warriors (the sentence would be a it clearer if you put the word 'each' here to clarify the positioning or something else to just clarify it). Through the lines between ranks armored horses clad in black metal, carried more fearsome soldiers garbed in spiked plate Armour with the fallen heads of their losses impaled upon them. (This sentence is pretty confusing and a bit awkward. The most confusing words are highlighted in green. I suggest just cutting up the sentence into two sentences on for each confusing phrase that is highlighted.)

*****
"Her skeletal army banged (their) weapon(s) (on their) shield(s) in unison."

Thats about it. I find reading aloud will bring more confusing phrases/sentences to my attention quicker than just a silent read. Nice work!

Silen
January 1st, 2013, 01:39 AM
Thank you. As i said it was just a first draft taken from a few scribbles id jotted down. the original siege machine was a cannon shooting acid skeletons, i think this is more fitting. although i do not want it to be too simmilar to lord of the rings.