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Etherus
December 31st, 2012, 12:44 PM
The following is one scene from a novel I am in the process of polishing as a finished product and I am out looking for a good but affordable editor. I would be interested in hearing comments.

As a little girl, Véronique was considered very shy, reticent even, her life was dominated by the economics of a house that accompanied the presence of a drunken and abusive father. She could feel comfortable only in the presence of her older sister and her younger brother, Pierre. At four years of age, she was motherly and protective of her little brother, an aspect that saw her thrashed on more than one occasion. She was however an extraordinarily attractive little girl, a clear, angelic face and long blonde ringlets that fell about her shoulders, hair that her mother was insistent upon maintaining.
Her reticence extended to her school life. She was always a reluctant student, receiving little encouragement from home to either excel or for that matter, to even attend. Attendance, as it was for her brother and sister, was primarily a design to keep her away from the house during the course of the day.
Her father squandered what little money that came into the household. Her mother had over the years, learned to conceal the little money she could raise through her part time work and her social welfare payments, even though her husband would beat her until she handed it over. Wisely, she would divide her money into portions that through expedience, she knew to hide strategically throughout their small house. She had learnt that she must resist his first requests, even at the expense of his beating. No matter how she played she always knew what was coming even if she relented in the first instance. When he had beaten her, she had handed him what she had planned. He always beat her more, convinced that she was holding back. It was a vicious game, ruled only by his indolence and savage dominance. She reluctantly gave in to him and allowed him enough of her hard earned income to go to the cafés where he would spend most of his days drinking himself into oblivion, arriving home at whatever time it suited him, drunk enough that he would not have the strength to beat her anymore. Véronique was ten when her father stepped in front of a speeding car while staggering home drunk late one night. He was killed instantly.
Although the household had become more peaceful as a consequence of his death, Véronique’s mother had enough problems trying to hold her young family together that the little girl was offered little encouragement to extend her school life. At the earliest opportunity, as it had been with her sister before her, Véronique was obliged to leave school and find a low paying job in the town so that she might be able to contribute towards the household maintenance.
At first she worked part time for a market stall as her mother did, selling fruit and vegetables but then soon after, because she had grown to be an attractive teenager, found a better one, assisting in a small dress shop. She was attractive however her natural reticence held her at bay from many potential boyfriends. She didn't give any of them a second glance.
Pascal was her first serious boyfriend who befriended her when she had just turned fifteen. He was big, strong, and good looking with a shock of flaming red hair and didn’t at all mind her shyness at all. She was in accord with him. Her mother accepted him warmly, even though he was ten years older than Véronique. He had a steady job working with his father on the canals, and lived in a modest house that would eventually become his if he chose to stay there. He was responsible and caring and had about him his own quiet way that Veronique found unimposing and easy to relate to. They both could receive great satisfaction just by being together holding hands with little conversation passing between them.
It was some months and several dates before Pascal took the first step towards any physical contact and kissed her. It was her first kiss with a boy and in her limited consciousness she enjoyed the experience for what it was. Once her passions had been ignited however, Véronique constantly desired to be alone with Pascal creating all sorts of reasons that enable her to embrace him and feel his strong arms. She would kiss him with all of the passionate feeling she could muster.
Before many more months passed, the opportunity arose when the rest of the family had gone to stay with relatives in another province and Véronique and Pascal remained at home. She was fifteen he took her virginity and she was pregnant with a matter of months. They married almost the day she turned sixteen. Véronique knew at the time that she loved Pascal.

Topper88
January 7th, 2013, 02:57 PM
As a little girl, Véronique was considered very shy, reticent even, her life was dominated by the economics of a house that accompanied the presence of a drunken and abusive father. She could feel comfortable only in the presence of her older sister and her younger brother, Pierre. At four years of age, she was motherly and protective of her little brother, an aspect that saw her thrashed on more than one occasion. She was however an extraordinarily attractive little girl, a clear, angelic face and long blonde ringlets that fell about her shoulders, hair that her mother was insistent upon maintaining.

"Very shy, reticent even" is redundant. Also, why are you naming her brother but not her sister? Lastly, "however" is used wrong.


Her reticence extended to her school life. She was always a reluctant student, receiving little encouragement from home to either excel or for that matter, to even attend. Attendance, as it was for her brother and sister, was primarily a design to keep her away from the house during the course of the day.
Her father squandered what little money that came into the household. Her mother had over the years, learned to conceal the little money she could raise through her part time work and her social welfare payments, even though her husband would beat her until she handed it over. Wisely, she would divide her money into portions that through expedience, she knew to hide strategically throughout their small house. She had learnt that she must resist his first requests, even at the expense of his beating. No matter how she played she always knew what was coming even if she relented in the first instance. When he had beaten her, she had handed him what she had planned. He always beat her more, convinced that she was holding back. It was a vicious game, ruled only by his indolence and savage dominance. She reluctantly gave in to him and allowed him enough of her hard earned income to go to the cafés where he would spend most of his days drinking himself into oblivion, arriving home at whatever time it suited him, drunk enough that he would not have the strength to beat her anymore. Véronique was ten when her father stepped in front of a speeding car while staggering home drunk late one night. He was killed instantly.

Are the details about how the mother hid her money from the father important to the story? Since the dad dies in the very paragraph it's described, it seems unnecessary.


Although the household had become more peaceful as a consequence of his death, Véronique’s mother had enough problems trying to hold her young family together that the little girl was offered little encouragement to extend her school life. At the earliest opportunity, as it had been with her sister before her, Véronique was obliged to leave school and find a low paying job in the town so that she might be able to contribute towards the household maintenance.
At first she worked part time for a market stall as her mother did, selling fruit and vegetables but then soon after, because she had grown to be an attractive teenager, found a better one, assisting in a small dress shop. She was attractive however her natural reticence held her at bay from many potential boyfriends. She didn't give any of them a second glance.
Pascal was her first serious boyfriend who befriended her when she had just turned fifteen. He was big, strong, and good looking with a shock of flaming red hair and didn’t at all mind her shyness at all. She was in accord with him. Her mother accepted him warmly, even though he was ten years older than Véronique. He had a steady job working with his father on the canals, and lived in a modest house that would eventually become his if he chose to stay there. He was responsible and caring and had about him his own quiet way that Veronique found unimposing and easy to relate to. They both could receive great satisfaction just by being together holding hands with little conversation passing between them.

You don't need to keep restating that she's attractive, and try using words other than "reticent" to describe her shyness, otherwise it gets repetitive. And is it important that she used to sell fruit and vegetables? Why not just say she got a job at a dress shop and leave it at that?


It was some months and several dates before Pascal took the first step towards any physical contact and kissed her. It was her first kiss with a boy and in her limited consciousness she enjoyed the experience for what it was. Once her passions had been ignited however, Véronique constantly desired to be alone with Pascal creating all sorts of reasons that enable her to embrace him and feel his strong arms. She would kiss him with all of the passionate feeling she could muster.
Before many more months passed, the opportunity arose when the rest of the family had gone to stay with relatives in another province and Véronique and Pascal remained at home. She was fifteen he took her virginity and she was pregnant with a matter of months. They married almost the day she turned sixteen. Véronique knew at the time that she loved Pascal.

You don't need to point out again that she's fifteen when they had sex. And she only began to love Pascal after they got married?

It's alright. There's grammatical issues, and the wording seems stilted at points. Keep working on it.

Etherus
January 7th, 2013, 03:07 PM
Thanks Topster. It is easier to see where you are going wrong when other eyes point out what you might think is wrong.