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allyson17white
December 31st, 2012, 05:00 AM
The title is just the name of the caricature since I haven't come up with a real title sorry. So what this is is I was going through some of my practice writing because I was bored and came across this. It was just a small description so I lengthened it and I'm wondering if it's worth pursuing and trying to make a real story out of it, Thanks. :)
And yes it is just a paragraph so it's really short.

Her blonde hair spread out in the soft grass of which she laid, thinking. Her eyes blue like the sky gazed at the passing clouds, she wished more than anything for something, anything to happen. But the land was peaceful and lonely. This world was not cold nor warm there was no fear and no excitement and she was alone. She wanted life, to know that she was at least living but no one was there and no one was coming. She had always been alone and alone she always will be. Her day went on as normal the sun rose and set, the stars came out to great the moon in the sky and sunk down again for the sun to take light of the next day. The world was always like this it always had been and always will be. So why did she care if it were any different? This girl, this lonely teenage girl had such a simple life, there was no hunger, no pain, or sorrow, not a day out of place, the sun always shone, there where no storms, the grass always grew, and there was no drought or death. There was nothing that should cause her to be unhappy, but she was. Because in all of this world’s abundance there, it seemed, was no life. Sure trees grew and the grass and plants all grew and birds flew in the sky and crickets chirped in the night. But she was alone; she had no one to share her great wealth of the world with, and no one to talk to and to answer back. And where was the adventure? Where was the fun in every day? There being no pain, every day was the same, every day was safe and easy. She didn’t want that. She wanted the adventure the difference the change that never came. She wanted the proof of life, to know that she was alive. She knew if she were cut she would bleed, she knew that a heart beat in her chest, she knew that she grew older, and that one day her life would come to an end. But never did she see blood flow from her skin, never did her heart race with excitement or fear, never did she look in a mirror to see her age, and never did she come near to death. “What do you want from me?” She would shout. “What should I do? I crave life, I crave adventure.” She would cry to the heavens in search of an answer, an answer that never came. She would lift her head and yell and scream for hours and days “What should I do?”, “Anything, anything at all, please.” She would say again and again falling to her knees. While she had, what seemed, no true reason to be so sad she was, and every day she would beg and pled but there was never an answer never a sign never any hint of anything that may come, nothing.

Veritas
December 31st, 2012, 07:40 AM
A couple of things.

Technical - Punctuation, mostly. Also - to me, it seems to be mostly stream of consciousness. Maybe someone else could weigh in more than me, but if you do go the SoC route, first person works better. (See Perks of Being a Wallflower, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, etc). It works better becauuuuuse if you do a lot of "how Character X is feeling," it flows better if it's coming from the character themselves. If that makes any kind of sense, lol.

Personal - You do a lot of description, and it's honestly good. But don't settle for "good." Take a page from Dead Poet's Society and remember that adjectives are your friend. :)

And my last personal note: You do a good job starting the story with conflict. What I would do (Take this with a grain of salt, since the way I write is quite a bit different) is switch the POV to first person, work a little more on the power of the descriptions (adjectives! Yay!), and work toward resolving the conflict in the story. And actually - this is a pretty good place to start from, as far as I'm concerned. Basically, the girl is craving adventure and wanting to leave her "real world" life behind. Even IF you scrap the entire story, I'd still say you've got a solid character going. Use it for her backstory at least. For what it is, it makes my imagination go all sorts of fun, fantastical places. Good work thus far.

allyson17white
December 31st, 2012, 08:44 AM
Thank you. I think I will try switching the story to first person and if I don't like it I'll switch it back (easy enough) and adjectives yes I need to work on that as well as punctuation but I think for me as a personal goal and my age I did ok (I'm 13) . Anyway on the point of moving the story along I plain on making it longer, maybe not as long as a book but longer than a short story if I continue it. Thanks for the pointers.

Ilasir Maroa
January 4th, 2013, 05:16 AM
Don't think about doing "good for your age". Think of doing the best job you can.

I'm curious what kind of story this is part of. As the other poster mentioned, it's very stream of consciousness, and there doesn't seem to be a plot involved. I think you need more written to get really good feedback from anyone.

jedellion
January 19th, 2013, 09:02 AM
I love the wandering stream of ideas here. You do need to focus on the craft of writing and that comes form practice. Read read read... look at stories here, see what works... how things work. take advice, try again. Get critiques...

repeat until cooked.

Its the best advice I can give. I have been writing for years and I learn something every single day from the good people of these and other fora.

You are off to a good start.

ktee
January 19th, 2013, 12:18 PM
This is really lovely, so thanks for posting it. It's well written and enjoyable to read.

As other people said, work on your punctuation. One thing to always remind yourself is that our generations are influenced greatly by social media and unfortunately there is a vast difference between what is acceptable writing within social media and what's acceptable in the literary world. This is not a dig at you but an encouragement; you're already ahead of many of your peers but don't use them as your measuring stick, use experienced writers.

Onto your piece:
It's interesting that you've posted this in sci-fi, fantasy and horror. I could see a fantasy come from this; the protagonist is literally seeking a different life or an adventure.

You've given no indication of time or place so this could be used in an both urban fantasy or a more classic fantasy book.

But since there is no narrative you would have a long path ahead of you.

If you're really feeling this piece right now, maybe just try to write without thinking about where it's going. It can't hurt to set a goal (e.g. five pages) and just see where it takes you. Then look it over and see a) if you still want to work on it and if yes, then b) where you think it's going.

James_KirkPatrick
January 20th, 2013, 09:28 AM
I almost expected there to be a twist when I first started reading this. I expected her to be an inanimate object or a statue. That's kind of bizarre I guess.

I like the concept here. Sometimes I write stories just to spend time with the characters. Not focusing on a plot but just a character study. That can be a good exercise but obviously if you want to draw your reader (or most readers) in, you will need to have more story. But obviously you know that.

I hate saying this, because it's such typical reviewer line... but I think you should show more than you tell. You tell how dull her existence is but I think if you gave examples and told brief stories to illustrate your point it would add meat to your story. It would also allow you to develop the atmosphere, surroundings, and characters that inhabit her world. If you don't have a definitive plot already in mind, (if all you currently have is a character you care about and a vague notion of the story) perhaps by exploring her world and the people, events, and customs that fill it, you can discover an interesting plot that will allow you to convey the spirit of the story. Is that a little too...hippy-ish?

Anyway, I do like that the character isn't struggling with some terrible abuse or torment. To me that sounds like melodrama. I like that she is unhappy that she is living a sort of baby-bear, just right existence and she wants something more. That is how Luke Skywalker or even Tom Sawyer's story begins so it is definitely a great launchpad for fiction.

I can feel where Amanda is coming from, some times my life feels a bit luke-warm. I'd be interested to see where you go with this.

Best wishes

J

allyson17white
January 20th, 2013, 09:47 AM
Ok so I hear where everyone is coming from with there being no plot and I just want to make it clear that I know there wasn't because this would actually be the first paragraph in the story and I was going to start getting into what happens as it goes along. So this is just the beginning introducing the caricature.

jedellion
January 20th, 2013, 10:00 AM
I think you mean character. A caricature is a humorous image parodying a real person.

allyson17white
January 20th, 2013, 10:13 AM
yes I do. Sorry about that I am REALLY bad a spelling. (and I use spell check)