Next part(possible new intro?)

[SirThinkALot]

I wanted to post this before Christmas, but between all of the holiday festivities and my internet being out, I havent had time to finish/post this. This is the next part of my story, which I may use as an intro, removing(or just plain moving) what I wrote before.


Out in the fields of Turnbell’s farms, Mr. Turnbell and his two oldest sons were working

in the fields. They were assisted by what appeared to be an animated statue of a rather

deformed man made out of clay, it had longer arms and shorter legs than any man, and its head

seemed to sit right on its shoulders, with no discernable neck. This ‘statue’ was in fact a

golem, and was pulling a plow alongside Mr Turnbell when Major Kirkwell arrived flanked by

roughly two dozen armed soldiers.

Mr. Turnbell and the golem stopped when they saw the soldiers marching through the

fields from the road.

“What is this?” said Mr. Turnbell. “What are you doing on my farm?”

Major Kirkwell ignored Mr. Turnbell’s questions and asked “Is this golem yours?”

“What do you mean is he ‘mine’?” said Mr. Turnbell.

“Its a simple question,” replied Major Kirkwell “Does that golem belong to you?”

“I dont ‘belong’ to anybody.” said the golem before Mr. Turnbell could answer the

question. “The Turnbell’s are paying me to help them plow and plant their field.”

Major Kirkwell gave a slight laugh, “Ah, it speaks.” he said, “so I take it that you must

be Alex’s brother? Mica is it?” He turned to his soldiers “Grab him, tie him up, he’s coming

with us.”

The soldiers started to move towards Mica, Mr. Turnbell grabbed one in an attempt to

stop them, but was thrown to the ground. Major Kirkwell drew his sword and pointed it at Mr.

Turnbell’s throat. The soldiers moved to aprehend Mica. He swung his arm at the nearest,

knocking him to the ground a few feet away, and punched another soldier in the chest hard

enough to crack a few ribs. But another four soldiers grabbed him and pushed him to the

ground. “Tie him up.” Kirkwell said. Sheathing his sword. Mr. Turnbell stood up.

“What the hell is going on here?” he asked.

“Nothing that concerns you.” Said Kirkwell. “This golem represents a major discovery,

one of great importance to the military. It needs to be brought to where our mages can study it

extensively.”

The soldiers had just finished tying up Mica, and Kirkwell was about to give the order to

move out, when they heard somebody scream “Let my brother go.”

The voice belonged to a young man, mid-twenties at the oldest. He was thin and not

particularly tall, with somewhat pale skin, as if he spent more time indoors than most people,

except for his left arm, which was black and appeared to be made out of rock.

“Ignore him” the Major ordered, “We’re moving out.”

The soldiers moved to follow their commanding officer’s orders. Seemingly out of

nowhere lightning struck one, kill him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing Alex?” said

Major Kirkwell to the young man.

“I told you to let him go.” The young man, Alex, replied. He pointed with his right arm,

and the rope tying Mica came undone and wrapped around two of the nearest guards, binding

them together, and pulling them to the ground.

“Kill him” screamed Major Kirkwell. The soldiers moved to charge Alex, when the dirt in

the field billowed up, forming a cloud that blinded the soldiers, while sending them into

coughing fits. One soldier somehow managed to make his way through the cloud of dirt, he

swung his sword at Alex. Alex blocked his blow with his stone arm, and some unseen force,

lifted the soldier several feet off the ground and sent him flying. He landed unconscious some

distance away.

Major Kirkwell gave a fallback order, and the remaining soldiers stumbled back towards

the road and ran some distance along it to regroup. The dirt cloud settled, and Mr. Turnbell, his

sons and Mica were standing around Alex, who was sweating and breathing heavily.

“Are you all right?” the Golem asked Alex.

“Yea I’m fine” said Alex. “Its just...been a long time since I’ve used that much magic at

once. Mica, we need to get back to clinic. Those soldiers will be back before too long, and I

don’t have the strength to fight them off again.”

“What about me?” asked Mr. Turnbell, “Am I in danger? My wife? My children?”

“I don’t think so.” said Alex “It was Mica they were after, not you. And I was the one

who stopped their attack and killed their men.” he turned to Mica “We need to get moving.

Now.”

Alex took a couple of steps. Then his knees buckled and he fell down. “Here let me

help you.” Mica said. He helped pull Alex up and assisted him with walking back to the road and towards Alex’s clinic.

[Burlesk]

I think this is an improvement on the previous part (http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/135137-untitled-fantasy-novel.html). The setting and story are both clearer and more coherent. One question: is it meant to be a humorous story? Because it reads like one. I feel that there's a strong flavour of absurdity in the contrast between the outlandish concepts and incidents and the matter-of-fact narrative style. It feels like you're trying to emulate a sort of Terry Pratchett approach to fantasy. Is that correct?

Again regarding the low-level technical aspects of the writing, I'll repeat what I said in the other thread: I find it quite hard to read a narrative with faulty punctuation. The dialogue especially needs its punctuation tidied up. Many novice writers have difficulty with this; to the extent that I wrote a blog post about it: How to punctuate dialogue (http://readthatbackwithout.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/how-to-punctuate-dialogue.html). I hope it helps.

[Silen]

"Out in the fields of Turnbell’s farms, Mr. Turnbell and his two oldest sons were working

in the fields."
Repetition of the word fields isn't necessary here. As stated above a vast improvement but consider checking punctuation unless you are asking us to grammar check for you. If so. Leave a note in the title.
I agree also with the humorous feel to the narrative.

Intrigued and excited to read more :D

Good luck and continue to write.

[Elvenswordsman]

Better than the previous, more relevant to the story than the child whose mother makes pies.

I'd prefer some indents to help make the piece more fluid, but one cannot always achieve perfection when posting.

"Mr. Turnbell" this and "Mr. Turnbell" that... Try using descriptive terms to refer to him. "Mr. Turnbell" and then "the two boys saw their father thrown down." "the farmer" or anything that can help get rid of repeating his name.

Your description of Alex seems particularly list-like.. perhaps indulge the readers imagination a bit more. Dickens would write paragraphs trying to describe a single concept, and he seemed to be pretty-well liked.

Perhaps punctuation should be looked at in the piece, and you have some errors with your grammar. "I was busy" where as "The boys were busy". Check the ending of the original post to find the piece I'm referencing, or simply ctrl+f "was".

Get rid of the last couple words in the last sentence. Telling people they are headed towards "Alex's clinic" doesn't do anything but confuse them. He just whooped these soldiers, and now he's being carried to his own clinic? Just have Mica carry him, it doesn't need to be stated where they're going.

All in all, it's developed well. I didn't necessarily like the first piece, but having read the second I can't say I like the direction you went with Alex. I suppose it's because I had thought him a good, rational person in the first thread, now I find him abusive of his power. It's a prejudice, I suppose, because I know the original thread. Perhaps tone down the violence, especially if you intend to actually follow through with the part about Alex not wanting to hurt others (you had it posted in the last thread).

Generally needs reviewed for grammar, vocabulary, and punctuation, but the story interests me and I'll be excited to see more. PM me if you post more towards the story, as I'd like to see it develop more.

Cheers,
Elven

[SirThinkALot]

Thanks for the technical notes. I'll certainly take a look into fixing them.

I intended the story to be somewhat lighthearted and whimsical, but not necessarily outright humorous. My inspiration is more the Hobbit and Artemis Fowl than Discworld.

As far as the violence Alex engages in: It needs to be understood that while Alex swore some time ago that he would use magic to help people, as opposed to personal gain(hence the opening of his clinic), he's not a total pacifist and more importantly, he's VERY protective of his brother, to a fault even. Both his wish to help people and his over protection of his brother stem from an event in their past, which will be explained later. It'll also explain why Alex has a stone arm and his brother has a golem body.

[fallenangel1613]

First, I’d like you to know that I like the way this is going. Next, I shall explain my colors. This pinkish color will be for my comments; if I think something needs to be omitted, it will be red with a line through it; if I've tried to remove something and replace it, it will be blue with a line through it; and any new additions will be green. Oh, any small grammatical errors like punctuation, spelling, etc. I will just fix. I have to admit that I’m kind of a grammar nut, so I will be editing for grammar. If you don’t want me to, let me know and I will stop J. And lastly, I’d like to say that I look forward to critique from everyone when I post my own work. Now, here we go!

Out in the fields of Turnbell’s farms, Mr. Turnbell and his two oldest sons were working in the fields. They were assisted by what appeared to be the animated statue of a rather deformed man; it was made out of clay, it had longer arms and shorter legs than any man, and its head seemed to sit right on its shoulders, with no discernible neck. This ‘statue’ was in fact a golem, and was pulling a plow alongside Mr. Turnbell the farmer and his sons when Major Kirkwell arrived flanked by roughly two dozen armed soldiers. Mr. Turnbell and the golem stopped when they saw the soldiers marching through the fields from the road. approaching from the road.

Now, the replacments/addons are just suggestions and don’t have to be taken seriously. I tend to read out loud to myself when I’m writing and that helps me make sure my sentences flow. Also – and I think someone said this already – reading your dialogue aloud also helps with making sure it flows and makes sense. I also agree with another earlier comment that the vernacular doesn’t seem to fit with the setting.

“What is this?” said Mr. Turnbell. “What are you doing on my farm?”

Major Kirkwell ignored Mr. Turnbell’s questions and asked, “Is this golem yours?”
“What do you mean is he ‘mine’?” said Mr. Turnbell.

“It’s a simple question,” replied Major Kirkwell “Does that golem belong to you?”

“I don’t ‘belong’ to anybody.” said the golem before Mr. Turnbell could answer the question. “The Turnbell’s are paying me to help them plow and plant their field.”

Major Kirkwell gave a slight laugh, “Ah, it speaks.” he said, “So I take it that you must be Alex’s brother? Mica, is it?” He turned to his soldiers “Grab him, tie him up; he’s coming with us.”

I really have no changes here. This part seems good to me :)

The soldiers started to move towards Mica; Mr. Turnbell grabbed one in an attempt to stop them, but was thrown to the ground. Major Kirkwell drew his sword and pointed it at Mr. Turnbell’s throat. The soldiers moved to apprehend Mica. He swung his arm at the nearest, knocking him to the ground a few feet away, and punched another soldier in the chest hard enough to crack a few ribs. But another four soldiers grabbed him and pushed him to the ground.

“Tie him up,” Kirkwell said, sheathing his sword. Mr. Turnbell stood up.

“What the hell is going on here?” he asked.

“Nothing that concerns you,” said Kirkwell. “This golem represents a major discovery, one of great importance to the military. It needs to be brought to where our mages can study it extensively.”

This part had a few grammatical errors, but nothing more needs to be done in my opinion.

The soldiers had just finished tying up Mica and Kirkwell was about to give the order to move out. Suddenly, they heard somebody scream, “Let my brother go!” The voice belonged to a young man, in his mid-twenties at the oldest. He was thin and not particularly tall, with somewhat pale skin, as if he spent more time indoors than most people, except for his left arm, which was black and appeared to be made out of rock.

“Ignore him,” the Major ordered, “we’re moving out.”

The soldiers moved to follow their commanding officer’s orders. Seemingly out of nowhere lightning struck one, killing him instantly.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing Alex?” said Major Kirkwell to the young man.

“I told you to let him go,” the young man, Alex, replied. He pointed with his right arm, and the rope tying Mica came undone and wrapped around two of the nearest guards, binding them together, and pulling them to the ground.


“Kill him!” screamed ordered Major Kirkwell. The soldiers moved to charge Alex, when the dirt in the field billowed up, forming a cloud that blinded the soldiers, while also sending them into coughing fits. One soldier somehow managed to make his way through the cloud of dirt and he swung his sword at Alex, attempting a killing blow. Alex blocked his the blow with his stone arm, and some unseen force lifted the soldier several feet off the ground and sent him flying. He landed unconscious some distance away.

Only a few things here and there that I think are in need of change. Again, these are just suggestions and don't need to be taken seriously :).


Major Kirkwell gave a fallback order, and the remaining soldiers stumbled back towards the road and ran some distance along it to regroup. When the dirt cloud settled, and Mr. Turnbell the farmer, his sons and Mica were standing around Alex, who was sweating and breathing heavily.

“Are you all right?” the Golem asked Alex.


“Yeah, I’m fine,” said Alex. “It’s just...been a long time since I’ve used that much magic at once. Mica, we need to get back to clinic. Those soldiers will be back before too long, and I don’t have the strength to fight them off again.”


“What about me?” asked Mr. Turnbell, “Am I in danger? My wife? My children?”


“I don’t think so,” said Alex “It was Mica they were after, not you. And I was the one who stopped their attack and killed their men.” he turned to Mica. “We need to get moving. Now.” Alex took a couple of steps, then his knees buckled and he fell down.

“Here let me help you,” Mica said. He helped pull Alex up and assisted him with walking back to the road and towards Alex’s clinic.

There’re just a few things in this last section that I think need to be changed. I love the pacing and how you throw us into the action. I did find your previous post first and I must say that I really like this for a starter rather than the other. One thing that I know I have trouble with is figuring out punctuation and quotation marks. I noticed in a lot of places where you had – here’s an example – “The sky’s blue.” He said. I do know that in that case it should be a comma rather than a period and that “He” should not be capitalized. Here’s a site that I’ve used from time to time to help me remember the rules for quotes: Quotation Marks | Punctuation Rules (http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp) I hope that I’m being helpful! Oh, and please write more!!

- fallenangel