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View Full Version : Reintroduction Chapter 16 (Adult Language and Themes)



Duncan
December 26th, 2012, 06:32 PM
Removed

SarahStrange
December 26th, 2012, 10:17 PM
Even without reading the previous chapters, I was able to understand what was going on. Therefore, your story line is easy to follow and isn't confusing (at least from what I've seen). Your imagery is solid without being too flowery. Also, your dialogue is strong and natural. However, you use a lot of words to describe speech like 'wailed' 'pleaded' 'screamed' and so on. Sometimes this can be distracting to the reader, rather than helpful. It can also be rather tiring. Readers are usually intuitive and can place how the character is speaking from context clues. When there aren't a terrible amount of speakers you can even just skip the whole he said, she said thing altogether:
“I don’t want this,” Katherine screamed, “Take me outside and shoot me, leave me above ground to find my own fate but don’t do this.”

“The Guardians will bring you back,” Goeth said, his voice trembling with emotion.

“Back to what? Its a nightmare!” removed

“Close the lid,” Ulmer croaked from the doorway, “Close it and be done with it.”

Duncan
December 26th, 2012, 10:32 PM
It's a first draf written this morning. Thanks for the feedback and reminding me that I often leave signposts for myself that need dismantling after the initial draft. It's a tic of mine. I think I have to state to myself what I am trying to evoke before I can do it..and then (as you say) go back and take them out.

I think that descriptors are essential at times but you are right, overuse diminishes their authority

As the whole project is only being sketched out at this point, I've yet to start any serious editing.

Your criticism is valid and the other points very encouraging and helpful...so many thanks for taking the time to respond

Much appreciated

Duncan

Jon M
December 26th, 2012, 10:41 PM
Pretty impressive for a first draft. The writing is clean and straightforward. Agree with the comments about the dialogue tags here. Seems like you're trying really hard to dress them up when a simple 'said' would do nicely. Other than that, though, the prose is great. Curious why you're posting it here and not in the workshop, since putting it here counts as publishing. Plan to self-publish this, then, eventually?

Duncan
December 26th, 2012, 10:44 PM
No, I intend to pull the whole project together eventually and find a publisher...perhaps I should be posting in wrokshop

Duncan
December 26th, 2012, 11:05 PM
I've tweaked and will revist again tomorrow adfter a bit of sleep

Thanks again