View Full Version : Romantic Exceprt from "The Emerald Archon"

December 24th, 2012, 11:54 PM
I've been working on a novel, and have embarked on my first romance scene (if you are curious about the rest of the story, Chapters 1 and 2 are in Fantasy/Sci-Fi. It's understated, but hopefully emotionally-charged enough to invoke something in the reader. Any advice? Is it believable? Natural?

Mokai was the last person sitting in the Swallow’s Wing, the fanciest little restaurant in Pachasan, which wasn’t saying much. It was just a small room with a wooden counter separating a dining area from a kitchen with an adobe oven. It was late, and only the daughter of the owner was left to finish sweeping the floors.

She seemed a little frightened by Mokai, as it wasn’t often that swordsmen would come through Pachasan. As she swept, she would try to steal glances at the stranger’s sword and unusual leather armor. Mokai sipped his tea, while watching her with guilty fascination.

She was around twenty years old, with reddish-brown hair and large, curvy hips giving invigorating drama to her simple, beige shift dress. Her swinging wooden earrings betrayed her inner nervousness, as they waved wildly every time she would sneak a look into Mokai’s direction.

He had tan-brown skin, a shade darker than even the most sun-baked farmer in Pachasan. She had never seen a beard like his; cropped short except for a long, black braid dangling directly under his chin. His black ponytail was cinched behind his head with a fancy metal clasp inlaid with smooth, semi-precious stones.

Unlike the patrons who normally sit in these seats, the man wasn’t using the seatback; his spine was straight like an arrow. His neck was long and shoulders broad, giving his strange armor a regal resting place.

She bent over to sweep the dirt into a dustpan, and Mokai was helpless but to catch a momentary glimpse of the girl’s right breast, freckled and tan, through the loose neckline of her dress. His toes curled in his boots.

“Excuse me miss,” he started, and she jerked in surprise.

“Y..yes, sir?”

“You don’t have to call me sir,” he said gently, “I’m Mokai, and I don’t mean you any harm.”

She was still very cautious. “Would you like something else sir…another cup of tea? It’s getting kinda late…”

“I’d like to help you with your work, if you’d let me?”

She started to protest, “B…but…”

He smiled in her direction and pushed his chair back. “It’s fine, really. It would be my pleasure. What’s your name?”

She hesitantly leaned the broom against the wall. “It’s Maldi,” she said. Her hands were clutched onto her dress, nervously twisting the fabric between her fingers.

He reached across her to take the broom and caught the scent of Maldi’s body. He was overtaken by the heady smell of her natural fragrance; the salt of her sweat from working over the stove, the disorienting pheromones lingering in the air around her. Something inside of him stirred.

Her breath caught in her throat as the man’s well-toned arm brushed past her own. His touch sent a wave of chills through her body, and her skin puckered with expectation. His body was imposing, carved robustly as by an artist, and was now desperately near to her own.

Mokai, broom in hand, noticed that Maldi did not retreat as he moved into her space. She coyly held her ground, but her heaving chest made the quickening of her heart plain to see.

He looked into her eyes, then let his gaze fall to her neck. He breathed out with imperceptible force, and the air brushed upon her shoulders, sending goosebumps down her neck and racing down the neckline of her dress.

Her dress, the only garment she was wearing, revealed stiffening hints of her arousal.

Just underneath the surface of his undisturbed exterior, a ferocious beast inside of him began to rumble and thrash. He, like all other Shadow Swordsmen, was well-trained at keeping his sexual energy channeled, but his abilities were now stressed almost beyond their limit.

With all the sustained calm he could muster, he placed the broom against the wall and firmly placed his hand on the small of Maldi’s back.

“This is my first time in Pachasan,” he said, gently pulling her hips closer to his. “But it wouldn’t be, had I known they hid such beautiful women here. You, Maldi, are a most unexpected and enchanting surprise.

“I’m..I’m pleased to receive you here, swordsman,” she said shyly as she moved her lips closer to his, “welcome to Pachasan.”

December 28th, 2012, 11:44 PM
Monserat, I feel like I'm now stalking you, looking for these tidbits when in reality I just wanted a quick break from the sci-fi/fantasy forum and was looking for something fluffy to read. Yet, here you are.

I think that you need a comma after the "excuse me" when Mokai starts talking to Maldi. I'm starting to get the feel that there are several characters in this story altogether and that there are other elements flowing through the story--Shadow Swordsmen, etc. and I want to know all of them.

What is interesting is that while I get the feeling of seeing Maldi's body, of seeing her movements and even of her nervously chewing on her lip I don't get any sort of image of her face. I know her earrings swing and sway but does she have a beautiful face to go with her alluring body--I assume so but I don't know. In fact, I can't picture the faces of any of the characters I've met in this work.

Once again, your voice is coming through loud and clear and it's a very beautiful voice indeed.

December 29th, 2012, 02:06 AM
Wow amsawtell, I feel like a dirtbag :) You know all bout her hips and other such fanciful bits, but no face...I'm slightly embarrassed, but totally amused! Thank you so much for pointing that out...as I'm thinking back, I really only describe one person's face and its a tiny, minor character. What a great catch; thank you so much! I'll go back and start conjuring up some faces.

Really, tons of appreciation for all of your feedback, it's been wonderful. If I ever publish this story, you'll be in the acknowledgements :)

December 29th, 2012, 02:13 AM
Actually, I don't know that I've ever really done a face before...I just posted Chapter 2.2 and a description of Sylvani's face is right near the beginning. Would you let me know if you feel it's enough, or if you were left wanting?

Many thanks, M